Where have you been Marilyn Manson and your freaky eyeball? That may not be the best title for this blog but I can't think of a song about perfect people. Just roll with it, okay?
Back when I had one child, one of my secret vices was reading the Weddings and Celebrations sections of the NYT. Part of why I considered it such a guilty pleasure is that I couldn't believe people like that existed. This week I decided to revisit that section to see if I felt differently. I didn't. For example, the couples all have names like Abigail Claudia Dorsett Weston Vanderhaagen. Abigail graduated from some prep school in CT and graduated summa cum laude from Yale. She probably played a drinking game in college that required her to take a shot any time someone forgot one of her names. Up until March, Abigail worked at Elle Magazine while serving on several charity boards and creating a vaccine for malaria in her basement. I suppose she left her job to focus on the wedding at the event space in Manhattan and working out with Hailey Pasternak to fit comfortably into her size 0 custom made Monique Lhuillier gown. Abs is so determined to whittle herself down to Olsen size that she gnaws on the steering wheel of her Range Rover while sniffing an empty box of samoas that she purchased from the lone child (who thankfully was a Girl Scout) in her building to curb her hunger. She has been sucking on lemons for so long that she didn't have to get that extra vial of restylane to perfect her pout. What has she been doing these 5 months leading up to this colossal wedding? Perhaps she was spending additional hours making sure she was registered for her Vera Wang potholders at Bergdorf Goodman? Who is Abs engaged to? Why none other than Windensock Wallace Harrison Benson Weatherbee von Wetzen the VI. He is known to friends as something equally pretentious such as Pip or Wal. Wal graduated magna cum laude (what no summa? failure!) and is attending Columbia Medical School where he is studying to be a neurosurgeon. Abigail will take his last name but where is girl gonna put it? I'm sure there is a character count limit at the DMV. After their wedding they will travel to Fiji and the Canary Islands for a 6 week vacation before returning to their Tribeca loft with their dog, Chanel. But before this trip, Abigail is going to stick her head in the 14 tiers of wedding cake because she is famished and the write up is complete. She is tired of living on diuretics and lemon juice. Wal is just hoping Abs doesn't find out what happened at the bachelor party at Scores. He saw what happened to Mario Lopez and the Doritos chick. He wasn't saved by the bell. Are these real people?
This reminded me (on a much smaller scale) of an email I received from a guy I've known since the 2nd grade. Let's call him Thor. Thor was a very nice super achiever so why should I expect anything different in adulthood? He said he was a doctor specializing in spinal cord injuries and his wife was a fertility specialist. Their 3 perfect children were tri-lingual and had established some charity to benefit small business owners in South America. He also was working on a patent, blah, blah and I just wanted to hit delete.Is it wrong to admit I threw up in my mouth as I read his email? I could actually hear Beck in the background singing "Loser." Again, he was a very nice, good person and this was all stated with enthusiastic candor. He was simply telling me about his life. When he asked what I had been up to, I couldn't very well tell him that I was happy that I had not worn my dress inside out to work that day or that the principal hadn't called so it was time to celebrate small victories. Should I make up something and tell him that I thought I had the cure for the ebola virus in my kitchen? Hadn't he heard that I won the Nobel Peace Prize? Can he do a split? Ha! I bet he can't. Perhaps his wife had split ends? Should I remind him of my vast knowledge of the Brady Bunch? No, that would probably backfire and he would say he just had lunch with Greg and Marcia. Sigh.
So yes, apparently those perfect people do exist. You can recognize them because they are the ones that don't need an umbrella on a rainy day. Btw, I could totally go for a Samoa. Where are the Girl Scouts when you need them?
xoxo
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