This Week's Picks

Happy Black Friday, peeps! First, I want to admit my envy of people who have fun holiday gatherings.  If you are fortunate to have a family that rolls with the punches, consider yourself lucky. Seriously. I'm too angry to get into specifics, but let's just say Dr. Phil would salivate over some of these stories.

It's rivalry week so allegedly anything goes. Right now I'm watchings the Ducks vs Beavers and apparently, these animals have hideous fashion sense if you look at the uniforms. That quacked me up.
UGA vs GT- autocorrect had UGA coming up as UGANDA, but Athens is really a nice place. Poor Aaron Murray. The guy gets hurt against Kentucky so enter the law firm of Hutson Mason. GT runs the triple option which is as exciting as watching bread toast. UGA should win, but you just never know what you are getting with this team. I wouldn't be surprised in the least if they lost, and this game will be a nail biter like one of those "On The Case with Paula Zahn" shows. Bring out the Raid. Dawgs by a paw.

Michigan vs Ohio State-Have I ever told you how much I love Colin Cowherd? He cracks me up on his commentary of the Big 10 and OSU.  Michigan has been Michigan (sorry ESPN and Mark May) while Ohio State could go undefeated for the next 12 years and most folks would yawn. The reality is that the Buckeyes are in another stratosphere than the other Big 10 teams. Bucs get a W and then hope that someone else slides...

Florida vs FSU- Will Muschamp is a guy walking around with 3rd degree burns on his booty after losing to GA Southern last week. Did the Eagles have a prolific passing game? Nope. Actually, they never completed a pass. Apparently Muschamp and Jimbo are best friends and vacation together. Key up Dionne Warwick and "That's What Friends Are For" because Jimbo may have his own issues with his  Heisman (atheist according to autocorrect) candidate, Jameis Winston. I have no idea of his religious affiliation, but I assume the Noles are going to show no mercy and Jimbo will buy Will a cocktail or 2 on the next beach vacation. The Gators may have the worst offense ever. This game will be as exciting as a Kardashian Christmas special. Noles win big.

Clemson vs South Carolina-Dabeau vs Darth. The last time I remember this game being really exciting was slobbering Lou's Gamecocks with that game ending brawl. A classic! I see no Floyd Mayweather activities in this one, but the suspense of one of those Maury paternity episodes.  I say Gamecocks by a beak.    


Auburn vs Alabama- In this edition of the Iron Bowl, we have the Tigers led by Nick Marshall (who was asked to vacate the UGA sandbox) while Bama is led by Mr. Little Debbie Oatmeal Pie, Nick Saban. Bama is número uno and looking to win their 3rd BCS Championship in 3 years. The Tigers lone loss came at the hands of Big Z& the LSU Tigers. Will they show Katherine Webb's hamburger commercial during the game? Pass the ketchup to Auburn. How can I go against the Tide? I can't. McCarron (and his attention monger mom) and company get a w.

Gosh, I have so much to say. Soon.  Very soon, Tattoo. Welcome to the island!

Squeaked these picks in right before kick off!

It's not you guys-it's me. I've been a slacker in the posting section.  What do we need to catch up on? Bulldogs? Mostly bark with little bite following a fast start. Falcons? Can't rise up when the balloon has several holes. Kim and Kanye? Kim is bringing the crop top from the early 90s. Girl should have left that grave alone and thrown a Pearl Jam concert tee on top. My kids? I've implemented an "if you lie to me I will take $5 from you" rule. At this rate, I will have a fully funded IRA by Christmas that will be the envy of Bill Gates. The laundry? Still plentiful with a cornucopia  (holla at you, Thanksgiving!) of single socks. Alex Rodriguez? Still taking a page from the Lance Armstrong novel and saying it wasn't me. Oh, and what will he tell his daughter about his suspension?  I don't know Alex. Maybe you can follow the suspension explanation story with why you are a self absorbed tool who also cheated on her mom with escorts during your marriage. Your daughter might be bothered more by that. Right.  And .lest I forget to mention I celebrated 11 years of marriage( that would be the equivalent of 77 to our canine friends). I bet my husband can relate to the dogs. I'm just too legit to quit. Please note that sometimes I choose what I want to happen, but I'm just as accurate as any expert which means not very. But omg, how cute does my boy Kirk Herbstreit look on GameDay today???Now on with my picks....

Let's go ahead and start with the alma mater. Did you see Auburn vs UGA last week? Seriously. It was like  someone gave you a big box of candy with a huge ribbon and sparkly paper, and when you opened the box you discovered it was filled with chocolate covered prunes. This week the Dawgs have the ever so hapless Kentucky Wildcats coached by one of the Stoops posse'. (I know we aren't talking b-ball, but UGA even beat Kentucky in hoops last year which is a sign that your program is in true rebuilding mode.) I say Murray goes out with a bang at his last home game. I have this Todd Gurley move I do at the end of my kickboxing. I'm trying to hold on to my last shred of dignity so I won't post video. Dawgs take out the Cats. Meow.

Baylor vs Oklahoma State-Baylor is undefeated and they haven't gotten this much attention in Waco since that whole David Koresh fiasco. I know Baylor is fast but can they go undefeated? I haven't seen  the Cowboys this season but I'm sure they have a QB named Shooter or Gunnar. I'll take Cowboys in an upset.

Mizzou vs Ole Miss- The Tigers are licking their chops at the chance to seal the deal and win the SEC East. Their QB, James Franklin, was injured against UGA and Matty Mauk (what self respecting quasi grown up calls himself Matty?) has kept them in the lead. Ole Miss has that Robert Kimdeche kid who were on sports radio here every day last year talking about where he was committing. I'll take Ole Miss in the upset.

Michigan State vs Northwestern-Ah the Big 10 Crap Sandwich special.  Do you remember a few weeks back the prognosticators were saying that it would be a shame if Northwestern went undefeated and didn't get to play for a national title? Whaaaaaat? Would anyone like to guess how many games Northwestern has won since then? Yes, you sir in the Captain Crunch shirt. 0? Correct. Michigan State has only one loss but Ohio State is the star in the Big 10 galaxy. Spartans get a win.

Texas A&M vs LSU- Crack out the grape hater-ade because Johnny Foozeball is coming to town to visit Big Z and the Mad Hatter. Johnny's off field woes in the preseason are behind him now as famous Jameis at FSU has stolen that spotlight. Will he repeat as Heisman winner? Mmmmmm. Not sure at this point. Neither team is really showing any stout D, so I will take Aggies.

I gotta wrap this up because this is the 3rd electronic device I have tried to type this post. I had visions of photos but nothing has cooperated. Go Dawgs!!

College Picks

What day is it? What day is it? It's the day after finding out Matt Leinhart's baby has a sibling.
Brynn Cameron, sister of Jordan Cameron of the Cleveland Browns, procreated with Blake Griffin. I don't find Griffin attractive in the least and Matt Leinhart at one time said that Paris Hilton was the one. So, I doubt Matt  was strolling out of a Mensa meeting when he heard this news but CHA-CHING for Ms. Cameron!
 http://msn.foxsports.com/nba/story/blake-griffin-son-born-brynn-cameron-matt-leinart-baby-mama-ford-wilson-cameron-griffin-jordan-cameron-usc-basketball-092313  Far be it from me to be a moral barometer, but it appears she upgraded in the bank account department. I believe Griffin makes $19million per year. Just like that song on Just Dance 3, "It's not about the money, money, money." Brynne released a statement that said she wanted to set an example for her children. At one point she supposedly asked for $30k per month in child support.  She does appear to have a type....

I skipped posting picks last week because A) I was buried under a mountain of laundry, B) I was doing homework (not my own, of course) and C) I just didn't know who to post about. But this week should be phat, so let's get it started.

VT at GT- Our neighbors have put up their GT flag very early this year, so they must have faith in the Ramblin Wreck this season. The Jackets rallied to beat UNC while VT had to go to 3 or 4 overtimes to beat Marshall last week. One of those wins is slightly more impressive than the other. Hokies will be pokied by the Jackets. GT by 10

Oklahoma at ND-Two teams you can count on to choke. I haven't seen Oklahoma play and of course, you have no choice but to see ND play each week. Big game Bobby vs Bad hair Brian. ND has to rally in every game. Does any team have any pride in the Big 12? I guess we will see. For the record, I assure you that whoever I pick, then you can be assured the other team will win. Eeeny, meanie, miney.....Boomer Sooner in a close one.

Wisconsin at Ohio State-Allegedly Braxton Miller comes back this week for the Buckeyes, but they have been just fine without him hanging 70 plus on FAMU last week. The only thing I know about Wisconsin is that a bikini clad Brett Bieleama's wife (I'm not checking the spelling of the last name-yeah, call me lazy)called it Karma. Well, you know what they say about Karma. Karma is a -----. Buckeyes will roll regardless of whether they start my 3 year old at QB. Buckeyes get a w.

Ole Miss at Alabama-Okay, okay. I said I wasn't buying a turn around at Ole Miss but I will concede they look GRITTY! First they had that come from behind rally to beat Vandy (I know it wasn't a Jeopardy tournament) and then a big win over a struggling Texas team. Hugh "I'm still not spellchecking or googling to verify spelling of his last name" Friez has done a nice job thus far. Maybe he and Nick Saban will sit down for Little Debbie oatmeal pies after the game? Bama had a nice win over Johnny Football, so the West is theirs for the taking if they deliver. The biggest news I heard about the Tide this week was that allegedly Katherine Webb broke up with AJ McCarron because of his his excessive cheating. Must me that massive tattoo of Jesus on his chest. Anyway, Tide win.

LSU at UGA-At one point Zack Mettenberger was a QB at UGA, but due to some indiscretions during Spring Break (I think?) he was asked to leave the party. 4 years later he is with Bobby Bouchet and Vickie Vallencourt in the land of foozeball and purple drank. LSU is undefeated while UGA suffered a disappointing loss at the hands of Dabeau. That sounds Cajun doesn't it?? LSU has a star in Jeremy Hill while UGA has Todd Gurley. Gurley is a beast! The Dawgs have some special team woes while LSU hasn't exactly beaten rock star teams. This should be a nail biter. Lou Holtz will be slobbering before, during and after the game.....about ND and Michigan. UGA by 3. Go Dawgs!

***Bonus Thursday Night NFL Pick*** SF vs Rams- Colin Kaepernick doesn't know it, but yes, he's my boyfriend. Well, one of my boyfriends and my husband knows this too. Kaepernick was running for his life last week against the Colts while the Rams got lit up (Thanks Fall Out Boy) by the Cowboys. How bout them Cowboys? We're not talking about them right now. Rams defense is scrappy while 49ers have some issues. 49ers will be missing Aldon Smith because he pulled a LiLo. I have to think Harbaugh gets it together so I say 49ers rebound with a victory.

Don't hate the player. Hate the game. XO

It's a Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood....College Picks

TGIF! It's been just a typical week but this girl is thrilled it's Friday. Nothing exceptional happened in the world this week. Dina Lohan was arrested (yawn, a Lohan is always arrested) and some peeps took the time to write the FCC about Miley Cyrus' performance at the VMAs. I don't watch that garbage. I prefer classy garbage like those paternity tests on Maury. "This is the 27th man we've tested. Robert, you are not the father." I forgot to mention that the woman always says she was "talking to several men at the time." ******News Alert*******Babies are not a result of talking. If you offend, stop reading. Anyway, if you want to laugh, read some of the letters sent to the network (complete with typos). There is nothing SFW about this site http://dlisted.com/2013/09/13/a-treasure-trove-of-gold-the-fcc-complaints-about-miley-cyrus-vma-twerkaganza/  The fact that some folks consider anything on MTV as family friendly (I guess Teen Mom or Pregnant at 16 are focused on the family) is sad commentary on our culture as a whole.

I'm thrilled that I was wrong about the Dawgs last week. A win is a win. Buh-bam. Here is what I am totally guessing at this week...

UCLA at Nebraska-Jim Mora Jr. thinks he is bringing sexy back to Westwood. The Bruins had been the ugly the stepchild in USC but Lane Kiffin has helped the Bruins look on trend again. Taylor Martinez has to be pushing 40 because I swear he has has been the Cornhusker QB for the last 20 years. I'm not a fan of either of these teams, but I will go with the corn on the cob.

North Texas at UGA-Get ready to feel the Gurley fury and North Texas gets PAID. Woof big.

Bama at Texas A&M-Oh gosh. Seriously. I know more about Johnny Manziel and AJ McCarron's gf than I would like to admit. Has Johnny Football received an invite from LeBron and Savannah to celebrate their 3 day wedding? Maybe Kathryn Webb will do a photobomb? (Really LeBron. A 3 minute ceremony is sufficient.) The prognosticators have told us the wheels are falling off the Tide bus because of the way they looked against the Hokey Pokies. See my statement above where I mentioned a w is a w. It's tough to go against the Little Debbie fan known as Nick Saban. Tide by 4.

Ole Miss at Texas-Mack Brown invested in a case of aloe to cool off his booty because he is on the hot seat after some mediocre years and a bad loss to BYU. Ole Miss had the recruiting class everyone was positively salivating over so allegedly they are on the up and up. Beats being on a rapidly accelerating downward spiral, right? Horns have to have some pride, right? Texas in a squeaker.

Iowa vs Iowa State-What is this? The Children of the Corn bold? Have you been to Aimes? I have and it was interesting. Still, I'm a daredevil because I will wear 2 mismatched socks and not comb my hair. Cyclones in an ugly game.

Tennessee at Oregon-This game quacks me up. Oregon has no D, but I don't think Tennessee has any D or O so that is always a problem. Butch Davis was quite smug last week after defeating the fighting Bobby Petrinos.I don't know if I would be arrogant about that but what do I know? Do they serve tea and quackers at Oregon games?Take this to the bank- Oregon big. You can (ha) bill me on this one.

Maryland at Connecticut-Sadly, this isn't hoops. Terps aren't great, but they look BCS worthy compared to Huskies. Protect the house with the Turtles by 10.

BC at USC-Speaking of hot seat, the Kiffinator lost to Washington State, a team that I can't recall being decent in my lifetime. The traditionally high powered offense of USC scored a whopping 7 points. BC is usually bottom tier ACC, so surely the Trojans have a smidgen of pride and will win. Right? Trojans in a close, boring affair.

My 3 year old told me he has swag. Haters gonna hate!

NFL Week 1

Awesome win by the Bulldogs today. Note to self, keep using reverse psychology when picking UGA games. I can't stomach a full game of ND vs Michigan and the fawning by the network. So what am I watching? As you know I don't watch much so I'm just catching "Argo." Is it strange to say this is the first movie I've ever found Ben Affleck slightly attractive? He's very talented and I like his movies. Must be the hair and scruff. Impressive soundtrack and I'm totally envious of the women's wardrobes in this flick. Bell-bottoms forever baby!!! In the words of the Blackeyed Peas "Let's Get It Started"......

If you had a fantasy football team that consisted of the Dogfather (aka Mike Vick), Cleveland Browns defense, and several members of the Raiders, would you even bother to play? Riiiiiight. Can I get Jamarcus Russell back in the league to make this legit. Speaking of fantasy football, if you had Mr. Manning on Thursday night you had swag.  Peyton had a pretty good night on Thursday for a guy 2 steps from the assisted living home according to some experts, eh? Congrats to Mr. Manning for beating my boyfriend, John Harbaugh (who got a fat contract). However, I think the Broncos are flawed because they have too many players from the University of Kentucky on their team. This ain't hoops Mr. Elway.

New England at Buffalo-Buffalo is lovely in Sept. For you trivia buffs, at one time Buffalo was the incest capital of the US which is certainly something to advertise, right? I digress. Pats have had much hoopla surrounding them including alleged murderers and all that is Tebow. Neither are with the team. BAM! Buffalo has had more QBs on their roster than I can name. Kolb-probably done forever. Leinhart-defying logic proving there was another stop after Oakland but put a fork in him too. Jeff Tuel-who? EJ Manuel gets to start this Sunday. I know some folks say the wheels have fallen off the Pats' bus but I believe there is still an engine. Pats-31 Bills-20.

Seattle at Carolina-Does Cam take the next step? Is he going to claim that Katy Perry song "Roar" as his own? Does Russell Wilson suffer from a sophomore slump? I have no idea but I think the Seahawks get it done. Jet lag included. Hags-28 Panthers-21.

Miami at Cleveland=Poor Cleveland. The Jim Brown curse continues as their first round pick won't be playing the first game. However,  the Browns are scrappy and I trust Bernie Kosar's sober analysis-as soon as I hear it.  Browns in an upset 21-17.

KC at Jacksonville-Also known as "The Ambien Bowl." Chiefs do have Alex Smith and if he can stay upright they should be okay. Jags always amaze everyone when they score in the double digits.  Chiefs will suck up the humidity and leave with a "w". Chiefs 27-10

TB at NY Jets- So the Bucs are going to visit Ringling Brothers this week. There is a line that Mark Sanchez would throw his first TD to Darrell Revis. Vegas was wrong? Sanchez is banged up so enter Gino Smith. I like Gino's odds of throwing a pick 6. But unlike Gruden, the Bucs don't make me swoon.Bucs' QB has good hair and is in a contract year. This means nothing but this game is going to be fug. I can't believe I'm doing this but I will take the Jets. 13-10. Yes, I realize this means Jets will lose by 50.

NYG at Dallas-Elmer goes to Jerry's World. That sounds like a Jonah Hill/Seth Rogan flick. Giants didn't make the playoffs last year so history would tell us they would be good this year. I have no clue. Dallas is building a Victoria's Secret shop at the stadium, but if Jerry could get the Angels to the stadium, it would make Jerry the most popular dude in Dallas. I'll take Romo and company in a good one. 35-28.

GB at SF-Rodgers vs Kapernick. One does the discount double check dance while the other is doing the triple tattoo throw. When I see Kap (I'm too lazy to type that out again), I feel like I need to read him.   49ers-28 Pack Attack-27

Philly vs Washington-.So Chip "I believe I can fly" Kelly left the Ducks with some issues and the Eagles seem to have dissension on the team with Cary Williams challenging Riley Cooper to a WWF match. Birds of a feather flock together. The Dogfather says the young players don't respect him. Where is Dr. Phil when you need him?  RG3 is recovering from a torn ACL and apparently he and Shanahan aren't on the same page. They're probably not even reading the same book. Eagles are a mess and the Redskins will wet the bed later. Redskins-35 Eagles-21

****Winner Winner Chicken Dinner Game of the Week*****

Falcons at the Saints- Falcons fly into New Orleans to take on Drew Brees and associates. Saints have their coach Sean Peyton back this year after a year of doing...whatever he has been doing, Allegedly, he's going thru a messy divorce after his wife caught him canoodling with a cheerleader. Wonder if she walked in and said "Who dat"  before contacting her divorce attorney.  Saints are good at home even though they had one of the worst defenses in the history of the NFL last season. I say. History would say take the Saints but I'll take Steven Jackson to have a nice day. 35-31

Let's see how we do...

College Football Picks Week 2

Word up! First, a brief recap of some world news of the week. Ariel Castro-outie. Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta Jones-finito. Gwen Stefani-expecting. Katie Couric-engaged. George Zimmerman's marriage-done. Lamar Odom-rehab/no rehab. Brooke Mueller-always needs rehab. Terrell Pryor-starting. Brady Quinn-employed. Matt Leinhart-unemployed. Manziel-tool. Alyssa Milano showing her boobs to support Syrians-who's the boob? Syria-cluster. And if I see another Robin Thicke article I  will actually puke on this blog. Yes, there will be actual images of vomit on my next blog entry.  I can't take another publicist's plant telling me that "I just wouldn't believe how hot Robin is in person." They're right. I wouldn't. 

Did you watch the UGA game last week? Right. The lone highlight pictured below.

Poor Russ had the right idea by sleeping through missed opportunities. Sigh. It's a new week, but a note about last week. I loathe when the "experts" spew utter and complete garbage. Mr. Expert: "Kansas State can still win the BCS even though they lost to North Dakota State." What is bull shizzle, Alex? Mr. Super Expert: "This was just a hiccup for UGA. They can still win the BCS." Please start taking your medication. I'm not a doubter. I'm a realist. This is not happening.  

Florida at Miami-I keep hearing the Canes are back. I will believe it when I see it. I expect to see Al Golden and Will Muschamp sweating profusely on the sideline. They won't be raising their hands because they are sure.  Gators make me gag. But I think they win. Chomp 28 Canes-17

Oregon at Virginia -Cavs had the last minute moves like Jagger against BYU last week while (are you ready???) the Ducks waddled all over Nichols State (what the cluck???) Ducks ruffled some feathers of the NCAA but only received some laughable punishment.  I'm not sure playing VA adds to your out of conference strength of schedule, but a W is a W. Quack Attack-48 Cavaliers-10

Notre Dame at Michigan-ESPN is actually handing out drool cups to their prognosticators in preparation for this game. Mark May and Lou Holtz positively salivate over this match up each year.  Actually,  Lou Holtz salivates over everything. Buh-bam. Michigan peeps think Brady Hoke is their guy while Notre Dame is ready to show the world they aren't that pile of dog poo that showed up in the BCS championship against Alabama. They can blame that media ho Lennay Kukua (Congratulations Lennay for making Maxim's 100 hottest women-the only woman on the list who never takes a bad pic) for laying an egg in that game. ND also lost their QB Golston to some academic woes so it's a new year for the Irish. Brian Kelly is a good coach, but I take the Wolves in da big house. 31-30. (This means ND will win. Watch)

Washington State at USC-Cougars battled it out with Auburn last week only to leave with their tails tucked between their legs. Lane Kiffin & company has been strangely quiet this year after the media assured us last year that a) Matt Barkley would win the Heisman b)hence, becoming the 1st pick of the NFL Draft c) just a few months after winning the BCS. Which of those 3 things occurred? Right. I'll take the song girls this week. Trojans 35-24

****Winner, Winner, Chicken Dinner Game of the Week****

South Carolina at UGA-What can I say? I totally forgot that we lost to SC 35-7 last year, but a friend texted me to remind me of that event. Like Dionne said before facing tax evasion, "That's What Friends Are For." From what I could tell last week, UGA's offensive line looked a bit porous-like a large block of swiss cheese.  I hope Kenarious Gates was eating his Wheaties this week because he will be going head to head with that lazy, out of shape slob (haaaaa!) Jadaveon Clowney. Aaron Murray seems like  a really nice kid who is good for a big turnover every game. Generally, a fumble deep in their own territory or occasionally a pick six (those are never desirable). However, he will break all kinds of UGA passing records which looks nice on a resume. Darth Visor and company has won 3 in a row. Again, not being  a downer because I think the Dawgs regroup BUT it will be after this game. At least Russ will be comfortable on his block of ice. Make it 4 for the Gamecocks 28-24. (Perhaps reverse psychology is in play here and they prove me wrong.)

For the record, if the Broncos don't seal the deal this year (and I don't think they do), it will be because they have too many players from the University of Kentucky. Haters gonna hate!

Pro picks up tomorrow.

Week 1 of College Foozeball

Do you know what day of the week it is? Woot woot! Yay, yay! That's right. It's the day before college football begins. Btw, I have a brilliant idea I'm working on and it's the first one I've had since 1997. So let's sing that awful song "Celebration" by Kool & the Gang. It's time to come together. It's up to you. What's your pleasure? Everyone around the world, come on. And let's talk some football! For those of you that have been holding your breath, please exhale. You don't look good blue.

Alabama vs Virginia Tech- A recent article says that Nick Saban eats 2 Little Debbie Oatmeal Cream pies for breakfast each day. Really? Hello Nick! You are the reigning BCS Champion. Live a little and indulge in the GOOD Little Debbie products like the Banana Twins http://www.littledebbie.com/www/docs/109/little-debbie-snack-cakes or at least the football brownies http://www.littledebbie.com/www/docs/147/--seasonal-snacks. This is the Chick Fil-A kick off game so hopefully Mr. Saban will wash the Little Debbie's down with a Mocha Cookie Crumble shake. SHAZAAM! Alabama lost some guys to the NFL, but the folks waiting in the wings should be just as good. VT had a tough season last year and Frank Beamer's teeth continue to get longer. He's channeling his inner walrus. Tide will Roll 35-17

North Carolina at South Carolina- Some folks think the Tar Heels are a sleeper team to watch. I find most ACC teams unbearable to watch. Bada bing! Darth Visor's team is led by future first round pick Jadaveon Clowney. Tar Heels will stroll out in those heinous uniforms and hang in for a while, but won't be able to score.  Gamecocks fans yell, "Go Cocks"  which somehow sounds inappropriate yet funny. May the force be with the Gamecocks. The southern USC 24-14

Ole Miss at Vandy-Who knew Vandy was capable of smack talk? Ole Miss had the drool worthy recruiting class including Robert Kimdechee (no, I'm not googling to spell correctly). This kid annoyed the caca out of me last year by committing to Clemson and then talking to everyone about who he was bringing, when they were enrolling, only to turn around and follow his brother Denzel to the Rebels. Vandy is coming off another bowl appearance so there is another shining star in Nashville. Mmmmmm. I'm not buying the Ole Miss hype just yet. This game won't be "Easy" for the Commodores, but James Frankin is trying to build a "Brick House" program for the smarties. Vandy-28-27

LSU vs TCU- Some folks think the wheels are coming off the Bayou Bengal bus, so I guess we will see this season. LSU has a devoted fan base that includes Britney Spears and Vickie Vallencourt, so that alone would cause concern. But let's get real. What sounds more intimidating? A tiger or a horned frog? Exactly. Maybe Mettenberger gets it together this year. LSU 30-24

USC at Hawaii-Remember when Matt Barkley was going to win the Heisman and USC was a shoo in for the National Title last year? Rrright. And to add insult to injury, the Trojans lost to GT in the Sun Bowl in front of 9 people in El Paso. The only way is up, right? A trip to Hawaii would make them look and feel better. Take the Coppertone and grab a lei.  I say Trojans play with Mahalo. 42-21

Buffalo at Ohio State-Urban Meyer is feeling pretty good about now as long as he doesn't receive any collect calls from Aaron Hernandez. Buckeyes went undefeated last year and have tattoogate behind them. Braxton Miller is an early Heisman favorite but we all know what that means....nada. It's difficult to go undefeated 2 years in a row, but who is going to beat them in the Little 10? Dot the "i" early in this one. 56-17.

Bowl of Rice at Texas A&M-Speaking of people I can't bear to hear another word about..yes, I'm talking to you Johnny Manziel. After being the first freshman to win the Heisman, each day we get a report about him wiping his butt or being hungover. I equate him to the Robin Thicke song "Blurred Lines." If I hear that song or hear another story about Manziel, I will eat chards of glass, preferably over ice. He has to sit out the first half of this one, but my 3 year old could fill in and the Aggies would still win.  Just let old boy play. 45-14

****Winner, Winner, Chicken Dinner Game of the Week****

I am not one of those UGA fans who says, "If we had just beat Alabama, then surely we would have beaten ND and won the National Title." That's too many what ifs and not enough actually happened. UGA vs Clemson used to be a HUGE rivalry with past games decided by last second field goals. Dawgs lost several  guys to the NFL (holla at Alec, Orson, Jarvis, and others on Sundays), and Aaron Murray came back for his senior year. The offense should be able to put up some gawdy digits, but Clemson is the ACC cat's meow this year. The future Taj Minaj (call him up, Nicki) is another Heisman favorite along with Murray. Again, all of this means nothing.  Will the Tigers roar? Clemson has never lived up to the hype the last few years so as a Dawg fan,  let's hope they lay another Cadbury egg this week.  You just never know. Look for Todd "whirley" Gurley to have a big game in this nail biter. Drumroll.....Dawgs 28 Tigers 27.

Let's Start With the N-F-L Predictions

Just like those pundits on ESPN, I too, will make predictions. . The difference is that I don’t get paid and my sources are probably more reliable than some prognosticators. Buh-bam!  Before I make my college picks later this week, I need to make my super-duper early NFL team by team record predictions so that I can put them in a hermetically sealed cyber jar. I've spent hours (okay seconds) researching each NFL team and minutes (okay nano seconds) verifying facts. If it wasn't on the Bleacher Report or reported by Adam Schefter or Mort, it hasn't happened in my world.  We can look back 8 weeks (maybe even 8 hours)  in and see how horribly wrong I was. So without further adieu……

Cardinals-Typically, the Raiders are the last stop on the career train, but not for former USC QB, Carson Palmer.  No, he left Oakland for sunny AZ. He does look like Tom Brady compared to last year’s carousel of Cardinal QBs (Brian Hoyer, John Skelton and some other guys who should be selling insurance). Maybe Fitzgerald catches some passes. 6-10.

Falcons- With the addition of Steven Jackson, Falcons O should be haute. I like Tony Gonzalez but I ask that he respectfully not turn into Brett Favre by talking about retirement, percentages of retirement, why he came back. Yada, yada, yada. Gonzalez is back and Falcon fans are happy. 12-4

Ravens-Talk about a team cleaning house post Super Bowl! Love John Harbaugh. And Joe Flacco negotiated a super phat contract because of  the Super Bowl win. It's good money if you can get it.  Gone are Ray Lewis, Ed Reed, and Danelle Ellerbee (Go G!!!!) so I’m not sure if the D will fizzle with only T-Sizzle. But, I say they go 9-7.

Buffalo Bills-Times are tough in Buffalo. Bills sadly thought Kevin Kolb (who hopefully has a shrine of Andy Reid built in his house because he owes every $ to that man) was the man. But Kolb gets a concussion sneezing. So they signed EJ Manuel, but he is hurt too. Next up on the grid? Yes, they just signed Matt Leinhart , another USC QB who was cut by the Raiders. His greatest accomplishments are that he dated Paris Hilton and Britney Spears.  His backup graduated from Duke. Pass the tissue if you are a Bills fan. 3-13. ****Breaking news*****Neither Leinhart nor Thaddeus will be the starting QB. That honor belongs to Jeff Tuel. Who??? Yes, Jeff Tuel. You know. A guy who led a perennial powerhouse named Washington State up and down the field at least twice.

Bears-Jay Cutler=DB. His wife=famewh--e (go ahead an buy a vowel to complete the puzzle). The coach came from the CFL. 7-9.

Panthers-Is this the year? Nada. I don’t buy Rivera but good for Cam for securing endorsements. 8-8

Bengals-UGA 2.0. This roster is filled with folks from the G including standout A.J Green.  The Bengals are also the star of this season’s  “Hard Knocks” and some of these folks do have sketchy pasts and have some have seen the inside of a jail. Gritty gets you to 10-6.

Browns-It’s a bad sign when your first round pick, Barkevious Mingo (love the name as it has star written all over it) is hospitalized after a preseason game and one of your players is charged with murder. But at least you have Bernie Kosar as a colorful color commentator and you will need a translator. The Jim Brown curse continues. 5-11.

Cowboys-The Cowboys have so many devoted fans from the glory years, but can they finally get it done in this century?  Eh, I don’t know about that (at least this year), but Romo gets the blame for everything on this team. Not sure that is warranted so I say 10-6.

Broncos-Everyone is oohing and ahhing over the latest Manning commercial but does that translate into a guaranteed Super Bowl trip for a Manning? Nah. Don't think so. Broncos should be good but they will miss Von Miller, who apparently was getting his rave on prior to his suspension.Who knew? They should take their division, but you never know what will happen. 13-3.

Lions-One of my all time favorite Bulldogs, Matt Stafford, just signed one lion of a contract. Lions added a guy named Ziggy (I think he is lying about his age) and Kim K's former boyfriend, Reggie Bush. Maybe Stafford won't have to line up in the shotgun 70% of the time. Still, this division is owned by Ryan Braun's former bf, Aaron Rodgers. 8-8.

Packers-Aaron, let everyone know when you are going to toss out your salary for the year because you just knew that epic whiner, Ryan Braun, was not using PEDs. Apparently these two own a restaurant together. I wonder if the Biogeneis Burger is on the menu? Packers should be supreme again in the division. 11-5.

Texans-I know. I know. This is the year. As usual, I'm not sold. 10-6.

Colts-I think they are the ultimate in boring and Luck looks like Lurch from the Munsters or Adams Family. Can't remember which show that was. 8-8.

Jaquars-Times have always been tough in Jacksonville. The offense (aka Maurice Jones Drew) got into a fight in the off season in St. Augustine. Did someone step in front of him in the Ripley's Believe It Or Not Museum? No worries. He will play and they will eek out 2 hideously ugly wins. 2-14.

Chiefs-The Bamboozler (Andy Reid) is in town and he has Alex Smith with him. Yes, you aren't going anywhere with Matt Cassel as your QB. Chiefs should be better, but I don't want to watch them. 7-9.

Dolphins-Will Fins sink or swim? I say they float. I can't for the life of me remember the QB's name. You know. The one with the wife everyone was drooling over, but I suspect they will be average. This is all based on......nothing but just speculation. I can't trust any team that Jennifer Lopez has ownership in. 8-8. Taneyhill...that's his name.

Vikings-Speaking of cute wives, Christian Ponder's wife Samantha Steele Ponder is adorable. Sadly, I don't buy him as a QB. As a matter of fact, the only thing of note on the team is AP (the advanced placement of Adrian Peterson on the greatest all time RB list). 6-10.

Patriots-Remember when everyone thought Rob Gronkowski was a moron? He seems like a Rhodes Scholar compared to Aaron Hernandez. The Pats picked up Tebow for a cup of tea and I assume he brings Brady gatorade when he needs it. Maybe Giselle is introducing him to her friends. I'm not ready to declare this a sinking ship like some folks. 11-5.

Saints-Drew Brees is ready to put that  $3 tip on a takeout behind him because his best friend Sean Payton is back. Payton is or was going through a scandalous divorce because he was allegedly dating one of the Saints' cheerleaders. Salacious! That will hit him in the wallet. Saints should be better. 10-6.

Giants-You just never know what to think about Elmer and company. Survey says....10-6.

Jets-Speaking of tough times....It's an ominous sign when there is a line in Vegas that Sanchez's first TD will be to Darrell Revis when they Jets open up against the Bucs. How do you solve this problem? Well a functional team would draft a good qb, while a dysfunctional team signs a guy who played QB at WV.  Sanchez played at USC, so we see how his career on the field plays out. Off the field he has dated Kate Upton, Hilary Rhoda, and Eva Longoria. Not too shabby. 6-10.

Raiders- When your first round pick has just been cleared for contact, after almost dying back in November, one has to wonder about the strategy of the team. Matt Flynn is the QB. Can you win with Flynn? This isn't the campaign trail. So some peeps say Terrelle Pryor is the best option. I had no idea he was still in the league. Why not just bring back Jamarcus Russell and call it a day? 4-12

Eagles-Everyone is all excited to see Chip Kelly's offense. This isn't Oregon and the Philly fans are not excited to see this week's uniform. The Dogfather will be fine until the O-line parts like the Red Sea, and then former (yawn) USC QB, Matt Barkley will come in. Can't see it. 5-11.

Steelers- Hope Jarvis Jones does well. 8-8.

Rams-This is my "surprise" team. They will probably surprise me by laying an egg on the field. One of my all time favorite Dawgs is with the Rams, Will Witherspoon. He rescues animals. 2 gold stars and a smiley for him!  If Sam Bradford can stay quasi healthy, I say 9-7.

Chargers- Remember when Manti Te'o and his girl Lennae were the big story? He seems like a Harvard PHD candidate compared to Aaron Hernandez. I never, ever, ever buy anything about the Chargers (including those hideous uniforms or Philip Rivers) but I will buy the weather and city of San Diego. It's a lovely area. What is 7-9, Alex?

49ers-Love Kapernick. Gosh darn he is cute, but I can't stand the voice. It's the David Beckham syndrome.  No one cares what I think. Remember when Mike Singletary called out Vernon Davis and like dropped his pants or something? Not Vernon. Mike. No, Vernon allegedly dated a former dancer that John Abraham dated named Kashmere. I digress. 12-4.

Seahawks-Look for these guys to take a little step back, but I still say 10-6.

Bucs-Some peeps are excited about the Bucs. Meh. The defense should be good with the addition of Revis, but I just don't know about the QB. 6-10.

Titans-Jake "the hurt" Locker is your starting QB. He is backed up by Ryan Fitzpatrick, who looks like Joe Montana to the Bills about now. 5-11

And finally, the Redskins. RG3 is so much fun to watch, but I think staying healthy is going to be an issue. And, I can't with a good conscience think the Redskins can seal the deal. 7-9

 Next up? College picks...

World News-The August 1st Edition

 

Question time. How many of you subject yourself to watching the news? Right. So that means you are are determined to throw yourself into a pit of depression so deep, that  eating a pint of Chunky Monkey topped with a dozen krispy kremes wouldn't even bring a smile to your sad  face. No, you will just sit in a dark room listening to Robin Thicke wondering when his pop, Alan, will break into a rendition of the theme from "Growing Pains."  Just turn on the local news. Carjackings. Home Invasions. Shootings. Shootings at birthday parties (I guess that's what happens when someone eats the last piece of cake.) Shootings at the Waffle House (Perhaps Honey Bunny in Pulp Fiction really just wanted an order of scattered, smothered and covered potatoes.) Shootings over parking spaces (that really shows people to park within the lines). Shootings at family barbeques (hands off the grill or else) If you watch the local news, you are a glutton for punishment. Me? If it isn't sports related or completely mindless celebrity garbage, I try to ignore it. Although I was totally intrigued by what Edward Snowden did during those weeks in the Moscow airport. Was he mainlining Popov or Stoli? G-chatting with Putin?  Was he perusing the shops and walking around in a " I went to Moscow and all I got was this lousy t-shirt" tee? Was he posting selfies of himself wearing just his skivvies in the loo (which apparently even grown ups with kids do..you all know who you are)? But let's take some time to catch up on some big events, shall we?

Let's start with that atom splitter Aaron Hernandez. Aaron may not have been smart enough to stay out of questionable situations, but he does respond to a fan letter and says G-d wants him in jail. http://www.tmz.com/2013/08/01/aaron-hernandez-jail-letter-not-guilty-god/  Good to know. However, if things don't go well, perhaps he can call Tebow in to perform an exorcism. For the record, I know so many females who have told me how "hot" he is and the murder charge (s) makes him seem like a bad boy. Facing life in prison does may it sound like you aren't afraid to color outside of the lines, you know?  Right. I guess that's why one of the jurors in the Richard Ramirez trial ended up marrying him. Apparently, some women can overlook a few dead bodies on their way to marital bliss. Haters gonna hate....

I came up with a brilliant marketing idea today. Maybe James Cameron can direct a blockbuster hit showcasing the lives of Lance Armstrong and Alex Rodriguez. He could call it "Mega Tools". Wilmer Valderama could portray A-Rod. Seriously. A-Rod bamboozled the Yankees into giving him a phat contract valid until he is eligible for SSI. The problem is that his leg is on the verge of falling off due to using, ahem, supplements. I will put a gold star next to his name for being a good tipper as I used to wait tables. I maintain you can tell a great deal about a person according to how they tip and the way they treat furry peeps. http://www.tmz.com/2013/07/31/alex-rodriguez-hooters/?adid=tmzhero3  For the record, when I was in college, a certain member of a band (REM) used to come in all of the time. He left the exact same tip whether he was by himself or paying for a table of 10. Oh, and if you remember that horrible band, Del Amitri, they used to come in and say, "don't you know who we are?" Yes, we did and your music sucks. We weren't impressed.

Speaking of impressed, did you hear that a royal baby was born? Hopefully baby Georgie doesn't inherit his father's hairline.http://celebritybabies.people.com/2013/07/23/royal-baby-prince-of-cambridge-first-photo-kate-middleton-prince-william/ Bada bing.

Start hoarding food and bottled water. We are one step closer to the Apocalypse. Jennifer Lopez is directing a reality show about her back up dancers http://worldnewsviews.com/2013/07/02/jennifer-lopez-backup-dancers-featured-in-a-step-away-docu-series-on-nuvotv/  This is must see tv if you have been living in a remote forest and have never had human contact. I'm talking to you, Nell.

In rehab news, Lindsay Lohan is out (I think) and Oprah offered her $2million for a 6 part docu-series. Translation -6 part train wreck. Yawn.  It's good $$$$ if you can get it. And Charlie Sheen's ex, is making her 20th appearance in rehab. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2324409/Brooke-Mueller-twice-went-rehab-crystal-meth-addiction-PREGNANT-sons-Bob-Max.html  Hopefully, Betty Ford gives both of these ladies a punch card or at least lets them enroll in the rapid rewards program. Perhaps they can take the points they earn with each stint and purchase 8 balls? If 20 doesn't work for Brooke, I'm sure 21 will be the charm.

I'm so ready for football. If only Taj Boyd married Nicki Minaj and took her last name. Taj Minaj sounds catchy, doesn't it? Starships were meant to fly and Amanda Bynes is the captain http://www.thesuperficial.com/amanda-bynes-is-all-better-08-2013

I have to get a tattoo like this. I have added it to the "to do" list under "clean bathroom."   I would totally get my name underneath it in case I get amnesia.

Peace out. 

Feeling Kind of Cheeky

To quote the iconic Dora the Explorer, "Hola!" Happy Friday to everyone and I wanted to take the time to wish a belated birthday to the Olsen twins who turned 27 yesterday. They probably celebrated by smelling a birthday cake and licking a spoon that had scooped Ben & Jerrys in 1998. Fortunately, I had access to the event so here is a photo below

Happy B-Day MK and Ashley!

When my father passed away unexpectedly a few weeks ago, it was nice to see some people that I have not seen in probably 20 years. It's been years since someone has called me Suge and it was really very sweet. Although, I don't really think of myself as a Suge because the only other Suge I know is a bit more gangsta than me. One thing that struck me as odd, is that several people commented on the fact that they were surprised that my husband was cute. (Yawn). Hello! Did these peeps think I was going to marry someone who looked like Dog the Bounty Hunter? Although my husband likes this (he also likes that my ob/gyn discusses how adorable he is, but she doesn't live with him and find socks shoved in the cushions of the couch), I was a bit miffed or at least perplexed. I like to remind my husband on a frequent basis the he scored big time by landing a zany, low maintenance wife who know how to cook top ramen in the microwave and can have philosophical conversations about topics ranging from the Miami Heat, Dan Uggla's batting average, Hillary Duff's teeth, all the way to what kind of time frame we give Kim and Kanye post birth of little Northpole. Seriously. I'm one profound biyatch who happens to do a buttload of laundry. Oh, I'm sure I have some annoying qualities. Well, probably several. But isn't that part of your job as a spouse? To annoy the other? We didn't use traditional vows but I distinctly remember something about "to love and annoy until death do you part." Come on peeps. You know you do or say something that makes your spouse or SO have flashes of what their story will look like on Dateline. I know his least favorite phrase I have other than "take out the garbage." It is something along the lines of "haters gonna hate..." However, isn't that an endearing characteristic?Where is my love? Don't peeps think he landed the prize in the pinata?

And on another note, what's up with some of the ridiculous comments people make to each other?I was walking to my car and the guy at the dry cleaner leapt out of the door like Spiderman and says, "why are you wearing a sweater? It's hot." No s&*t Sherlock but I work in an office that is 35 degrees. It's not like I was wearing  a wool sweater with reindeer and sequins. Should I have pointed out that going to work nude is unacceptable in most industries? Why didn't I ask  him why he was wearing pants that were 3 inches too short? Or why wasn't the lecherous perv asking the fat guy in the suit waiting for Marta why he was sweating? Exactly. Who cares if I am wearing a sweater?

Turning off the snark machine....XO



The Consultation Room Not to Be Confused with the Situation Room

I have been on hiatus. No, not like one of those awful NBC sitcoms, but rather I've been kind of holed up. Kind of like the ground hog but no one cares if I see my shadow. It's been a difficult month and even though I haven't felt particularly chatty, I am grateful for all of the kind calls, texts, cards, emails, IMS, and visits from friends and extended family. I appreciate everyone's kind wishes (even if I haven't responded). XO

So, let's travel back 4 weeks. I had to reschedule an annual screening.  You know, the kind where you remove your top and they squish your boobs in between some paddles. No, I wasn't getting ready for a Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition photoshoot but rather a mammogram. I scheduled myself for the last one of the day. I guess the new trend is to create a spa like environment with Yanni playing in the background and plasma tvs showing images of waterfalls and ducks swimming around on lakes. As I waited for the tech, she encouraged me to have a snack. And I did. I freaking devoured every single snackwells creme filled cookie they had and I started to look around to make sure cameras weren't watching. I didn't want to be the lady on the news who was accused of cookie theft  at the breast center.

Anyway, after said mammogram, I dressed, checked the cookie bin and noticed they refilled for the next day. I grabbed a bag for the road and had a feeling those peeps were going to call me back. A week goes by and I get a phone call to come in for additional views. Should I have been doing my Tracy Anderson work out during this week in preparation for these new views? Later that same day a letter arrives that says, "We need to take additional images but please don't be alarmed." I actually called to schedule my follow up and specifically said, "Yeah, a word of advice. Don't put "don't be alarmed" in your letter. It alarms people." I'm just saying.

So if everyone is  following along, after an annual screening, only 10% of people will be called back for additional views. And of these 10%, only 8% will require a biopsy. These odds are starting to sound the same as the odds of me running into Ryan Gosling at Target. Can I tell you that I'm not a fan of the word breast? It reminds me of KFC. Yes, yes. I know that is the technical jargon, but boob just sounds a little less clinical, so I will use that word because I can. I schedule myself for the first appointmet for the follow up because, well, I just want to get the h-e double hockey sticks out of there. Stephanie takes additional pictures of my left boob, and says the radiologist will read the results immediately. I can't wait. A few moments later, the nurse navigator (bad sign) tells me to get dressed and asks me to follow her to something called the consultation room. Mmmmm. Something tells me she won't be serving margaritas.  I feel like my stomach is in my calves.  I enter a dimly lit pink (I HATE PINK) room with a box of tissues. Holy shizzle! She says Dr. Do (yes, that was his name) wants to speak with me. I ask if he is going to give me the winning lottery numbers. Enter Dr. Do. Dr. Do's first or 2nd language is not English. He sounded exactly like one of the bad guys from the Roger Moore James Bond flicks and he doesn't look like he is about to deliver winning lottery numbers.  He says and I quote "Microcalcifcations indeterminant-suspicious. Need biospy. May be malignant." Just my luck-wtf. I just had an idea for a bumper sticker.  Now I'm an 8% er. The navigator gives me 2 choices of biopsies and I said, "I'll spin the wheel and take the stereotactic one, please." I knew I was gonna be an 8% er so I did my research.

Schedule the stereotactic biospy 2 days later. For those of you not familiar with this procedure, you lay on a table designed by an 8th grade shop class and dangle your boob in a hole. A group of peeps underneath, will then take photos, and use a core needle to take out samples of flesh and then sew a sister back up. Sounds better than trip to Bora Bora doesn't it? I climb on said device and I'm told to look at a picture of the Eifel Tower. Perhaps the French Riviera would have been more appropriate since I was topless? Some lady is massaging my calves which was very sweet but then they asked how everything was going. I said, "Well, it's not like having lunch with Bradley Cooper but it's all good." Chuckles. The procedure takes about 10 minutes and they squash (compress) left boob for 20 minutes and then I'm ready to rock and roll on outta there. Parting words are that 80% of these come back benign. Can I be in the majority for once? The weird goofy chick just wants to be in the majority one time. I can be an anomaly in other situations...like at Starbucks.

And finally, yesterday I received the good news that I am an 80% er. Holla! Being healthy is a wonderful thing and many have been dealt an unfortunate set of cards. I know many people (young and old) who are struggling with difficult situations and terrible illnesses and that truly sucks!  It just does. But, I am thankful for the good news and happy to be an 80% er. Happy dance!

Hoppy Easter !!!

So, it's March 31st and I had to sneak in a post. Hoppy Easter to everyone. As you know, I try to stay away from political and religious posts so.....I love me some mini cadbury eggs. But I just said no this year. Why did I freaking do that ?????? I've had 3 fun sized (fun for who? a gnome?) peanut m&ms, a mini twix bar (forgot I'm not a fan of those and should have eaten a peanut butter egg),  a few crackers and a margarita. Does that constitute some type of Easter brunch?I've also decided that some of those recipes Gwyneth Paltrow touts sound delectable? Did I just admit that? Blame my In Style. She's Goopy and I'm loopy.

As parents, we all make mistakes. For example, I took my daughter to visit the parental unit yesterday and somehow my 9 yr old and 3 yr old were under the impression we were going to get frozen yogurt. Did I promise this? I don't think so and this is south GA, so choices aren't exactly plentiful. So I decided to placate everyone and stop at DQ but lo and behold, DQ was closed at 4:30 pm? Why?? It was 80 degrees outside but my 3 year old was having none of this and was making me feel like I needed to drink a vat of anti-freeze. I made the decision to purchase an ice cream sandwich for him. Let me tell you what could happen. You could purchase the ice cream sandwich and the child will begin to scream that his hands are sticky. You can then look for the wipes that you always have in your car as you drive down I-75 with spring breakers and try to figure out where said wipes are. As you do that, your child may become unraveled at the sticky hands and to try to rectify the situation, you may unwrap a panty liner and hand to the child because that's all you can safely find at that moment. You secretly admit this is not ideal but it's the best you can do at that moment.  I'm not saying that happened, but it could. It's all done in the spirit of peace and happiness.

Let's take a look at some events this week shall we?

No post is complete without a photo of the always demure Kim K. What color is this? Bile? Diarrhea? Personally, I was uncomfortable enough while pregnant with my underwear cutting off my blood circulation that this look wouldn't have been for me.

 Poor Biebs. Apparently, JB is accused of not playing well in the sand box...literally. Maybe he needs to go to time out?His monkey is being quarantined and if I remember correctly, he was accused of battery. Clearly this guy is gangsta!!!! Give this guy his woobie and leave him alone.

Speaking of gangsta, Kim Jung Un is allegedly a major Britney Spears fan and is threatening to launch some rockets. This is not one of those things where you wanna say "Oops I Did It Again", but leadership in North Korea is not known for logic or rational...http://worldnews.nbcnews.com/_news/2013/03/31/17539256-north-korea-nukes-are-our-countrys-life?lite

Here is  a picture of the expectant Jessica Simpson, who for once is not showing us her boobage. Except that this sweatshirt is probably the closest she has ever been to Yale.

And did I say I was going to stay away from anything scandalous or political? I can't resist making one point and it's my blog so I can say what I want. Shimmy shimmy shake, hip swivel..oops. That was hip hop abs. Much discussion occurred this week regarding gay marriage and everyone has an opinion. Here's mine. I think everyone should be able to marry who (or is it whom?) ever makes them happy. If you know me, I'm not exactly the poster child for traditionalism.  For those folks who say that makes a mockery of marriage...wait a minute, let me collect myself from the laughter. Have you seen our divorce rate? We live in a culture of selective morality and whatever suits our moral barometer is what we think is right. I get it. We are all entitled to our opinions. However, we have productive, caring citizens who are tall, short, gay, straight, bi, skinny, fat, and so on.

Okay, I'm done. One of the great things about tomorrow? It's another day to laugh AND Easter candy goes on sale. Hail to the yes!

Leaving a Lasting Impression and the Oscars

And the Oscar goes to...... I needed to take a bit of a blogging break because, well, I'll skip it. So, for those of you following along, I missed you! I want to thank my agent at William Morris for your support. I want to thank Mr. Jobs for the i-phone. Without it, I am nothing and don't know what day of the week it is. And to my dog, thank you for liking me regardless of what kind of hair day I am having. Woof.

We like to make a splash in this household. When my older 2 kids started to school, I was called in for 2 separate emergency meetings their first week. If I was charged per phone call from the school, there would be no need for another school fundraiser.  What's that saying? You never get a second chance to make a first impression? That's us. We leave a lasting impression-one that generally involves some type of counselor or the principle. That's better than law enforcement, right?  Lambchop (my youngest), has been so fortunate these past 2+ years to have the most wonderful woman take care of him while we work. When I met Ms. Sandie, I knew she was a perfect fit for us, so I was terribly saddened when she announced she was retiring at the end of the school year. Sigh. Although we selfishly wish that she would stick around until our little bear starts to school, I certainly understand that after 30 years of helping raise many kids, she is ready to relax, retire, and focus on herself and her family. And she deserves it! However, we are forever grateful to her and consider ourselves lucky to know her. My little boy is better person because of her. We love you, Ms. Sandie, and are happy to call you our friend! We will still talk to you because we are terribly difficult to get rid of-just like static cling!!

Did everyone watch the Oscars? I watched none of the show because I only care about what the peeps are wearing.  Let's review some looks courtesy of People magazine....

Darn those Aussies!  Naomi was a yoga teacher for many years before she got her big break. She looks lovely and her forehead isn't 3 miles long like her pal, Nicole Kidman.

It's the fame mongers. Why are they at the Oscars? Oh yes, because there were cameras and media. I know that I am the ultimate stick in the mud, but why is it that pregnant celebrities feel it necessary to push their boobs up around their ears? Yes, I know they are "celebrating" this enhanced cleavage, but boobs should not be near your chin. Just sayin....

So take a look at me now. Cause there's just an empty space (you see it in the back of the dress)..Yes, that is what Lily Collins (Phil's daughter) appears to be saying in this photo. Thank goodness they didn't name her Suissudio. I'm not even googling to correct that spelling of that horrendous song.

Bam! Heidi is all sealed (ha!) up in this dress. In sharp contrast to Kim K, Heidi's boobs are closer to her waist. Not flattering in this particular dress, but well, Heidi is hot.

You can stand under my umbrella, ella, ella, eh, eh, eh. It's not Ri Ri but it looks like Diane Kruger is just missing a pair of wellies and girl is ready for a flood.

Yes, I know Zooey works that hipster look and she was married to the lead singer of Death Cab for Cutie. However,  this resembles a look someone would have been buried in during the 1800s. This also doubles a doily/table cloth at an assisted living home. Buddy the elf gives this a thumbs down.

This is the first photo of Renee Z that I've seen where she is not squinting. Remember when she was engaged to Bradley Cooper? Maybe she walked up to him and said, "I can be your Oscar since you didn't win." Perhaps that why she wore gold? Bradley, I loved you in "The Hangover" and felt it was some of your best work.

And finally, I leave you with one of my husband's favorites.....

Salma is lovely isn't she? And she was engaged to my boyfriend, Ed Norton (he just never knew he was my boyfriend). If I was Salma, I would have stuck with Ed, but that's just me. The ladies clearly like Francois (or his bank account) because he also has a child with Linda Evangelista.

That's all I've got, but I'll be back faster than Lindsay Lohan's career. XO

Do You Want to Know What I'm Thinking?

There is a song in that title...Information Society is the group, I believe (please note that a new year does not bring new rules like fact checking or verifying info. Winging it is the way). But it was more along the lines of, "I want to know what you're thinking. Tell me what's on your mind. " Add in some keyboards to the "Pure Energy" song and  you can get your rave on...

I haven't posted since 2012 and have been in a rather pensive mode. So as a result, I promise no humor and I may sound crazy. Allegedly, I live in a "declining" area (not one of those areas where everyone has a fancy address and a child who has developed the cure for cancer in the bathroom) but they are shooting a movie less than a mile from my house which features Hugh Jackman, Jake Gyllenhall, and Viola Davis. I suppose one advantage to living in a less than desirable area where many movies are shot includes that most folks don't know who the peeps are. Let's remember that I lived in an area called the "Nightly Knifings" so I try to keep things in perspective.

I'm having an issue right now and it will sound politically related and it isn't. Remember, 2012 was the first time I voted. Holla! One of my major flaws is that I assume everyone is like me. No, no, no. I don't mean my general beliefs, but I assume everyone is wired like me. And I know they aren't. I'm certainly not implying that people SHOULD be like me. We are all different and that is what makes the world unique. However, I expect that everyone works hard, wants to be a productive citizen, and raise caring kids. And I suppose most peeps are that way and I won't venture out with some percentage because I don't know. Remember, I'm a loner so I kind of process my own stuff and only discuss if the conversation veers in that direction. However, having school age children makes you think about things you assume are a given.

If there is anything I dislike, it's laziness. And this is coming from a woman who wore her pajamas all day but that is not what I mean. I have worked in some capacity since I was 11 years old. I was eligible for the free lunch every single year at school. Every single year. I don't say this to embarrass my parents, because my dad worked really, really hard (my mom too). But we struggled and had some challenging times. Would you like to know how many years I took the free lunch? Show of hands? Exactly 0. I was too embarrassed which was ridiculous too. Why be embarrassed about something I really didn't control when I was 5?  There were many, many times where we were on the verge of being evicted and not one dollar was coming in unless it was from friends or family. I remember the time my mother applied for public housing but my dad said we weren't going to live there. Yes, there were some kids who made fun of the way I dressed (and it sounds juvenile but occasionally when I run into them, a slight smile creeps across my face when they look less than stellar. Shameful of me to admit, I know).  I felt even more out of place at college as these kids had nice cars and stellar clothes and I shopped in the thrift store. But it's all been good in some capacity. Yes, it stung then, but I think some of those things build character.

I hate that kids are hungry and I know many people are struggling. I know many good people who are having a difficult time getting ahead.  Our world is changing and it can be tough out there. However, my primary gripe is when people say, "well x can't help it because their parents got a divorce so they had a difficult childhood."  Or "y doesn't have a stable life." See stories referenced above. My dad dropped out of school in the 10th grade to go work on a farm. I went to college and paid for it myself. Now, I will skip the stories of me being intoxicated for great lengths of time, but that too was a learning experience.  I realize there are many challenging situations that face people-trust me, I do. Having been in many challenging and less than desirable situations, I understand that it sucks sometimes. But we have 2 choices. We can choose to try to be better or we can use our circumstances as a crutch. Live or die. We are all going to die soon enough, so I'll take option A of live. We live in a culture where people are so freaking hesitant to take responsibility for their own actions. Or in the words of Shaggy, "it wasn't me."  We see it in celebrities, athletes, politicians, and in our everyday lives. McDonalds made people fat with the supersizing. Forget the fact that we have to exercise self control. Peeps sue because the coffee is too hot. Please! If that is the issue stay home and use your Mr. Coffee maker and make it tepid.  It's always someone else's fault. Even when people are caught doing something, they try some to blame someone or something else.

Why not try to step up to the plate and admit you have faults? Gosh, I do.  I occasionally talk over people (I hate it and I don't mean to but I do. UGH! ) I can be rather high strung and  have no tolerance for bs. I have a difficult time being in the moment. However, I can't blame anyone but myself for those issues and many, many others that I have. Please. GTFOY.

Okay, I'm done. I will be rainbows in unicorns next time. I promise:)