So, What's Wrong With You?

As I am sure we can all tell, I have a self deprecating sense of humor. It keeps me sane amongst a mountain of non matching socks and those freaking annoying science projects. I'm a horrible dater. I can't take a compliment-although I do love to give them. I'm fine if I don't like the person or am not attracted to them which is 99% of the time. I actually sat across from a guy who said "Let's chat more to see if we have chemistry." Internally I was thinking "we don't" but I just smiled and nodded for a bit.  So how in h-e-double hockey sticks do I act if I think someone is attractive? Do I act like a 14 year old girl at a One Direction concert? No. Absolutely not. I'm raising 3 kids. I didn't take pain killers after surgery. I have a high maintenance daughter.  I clean up a bunch of caca. I survive those weekly Boy Scout meetings.  I've been a National Sales trainer. I worked at an alleged fancy, schmancy sexay start up company.  Surely, I can talk to someone cute...right????? Ed Norton, I'm waiving and blowing kisses at you!

Listen, the lesson I have learned over the course of my life is if you are going to totally and completely embarrass yourself, do it up right! So, a few months ago I noticed this guy occasionally in the lobby of my building.  I actually thought he was kind of hot. He looked very serious (darn those intense folk) so I was wondering how might I find out about this guy. We will just call him HG (hot guy).  Let me put on my clever hat. I thought about asking the lady at the info desk and then I wondered how that would go down. "Hi lady at info desk. I know we don't know each other but sometimes there is this really cute dude hanging out here, and well I thought I would just ask if you knew his name." Nope. Couldn't do that. Then, I figured out that I saw him on a certain day of the week. So don't laugh but what do you do on that day? That's right! You wear the tightest a$$ dress you can find and try to sashay by and smile at him. And I did smile at him and he didn't smile back. What the pho?? How can you not smile back? I do have a good smile. HG must not think I'm cute and sadly, I still thought he was cute. Bummer. Actually, I thought he must not like chicks with a giant booty! Booty haters!

Anyhoo, fast forward.....so I joined another one of those dating sites. You know the ones where they expect you to write a crock about yourself. "Hi, I'm Tara and I enjoy long walks on the beach, sky diving, and poetry under the stars. I enjoy discussing the celebrity sleaze-scratch that- I mean I enjoy debating the movement of the Ebola virus." You get the picture. Mine is more "skip the lines and just be funny." After writing all of these profiles for others (you guys know who you are!), surely this will be a breeze for me. The writing part was okay. Now what? Anyway, I scan the folks on the site and see one guy I went to college with (Hi J!!!) and then a guy that sort of looks like HG. But I can't really tell if it's him. Because I can't really remember what his face looks like because I had to be so coy when I walked by. Fast forward, he asked where I worked and he said he knew who I was. Omg. That was him. So, does this mean that I have to speak to him now? He said, " do you wanna say hi in person?" Good lord! Is he crazy? I just thought he was hot and I didn't know I would have to speak to him at some point. There has to be something wrong with this guy because again, I am a walking set of luggage.

Have I ever told you guys that I am such a smooth operator (key up Sade!) So what do you do when someone wants to meet in a parking deck to say hi? That's right. You blow right past them because you think you are going to pass out. But I did it. It was a little shaky. I mean I thought I was gonna hurl but I didn't. Baby steps....baby steps.....Maybe one day I will be normal. Whatever that is. Maybe my next t-shirt will define that for me.

I Ain't No Holla Back Girl-Hit Me With Your Best Shot-Haters Gonna Hate

OMG! It has been forever since I have posted. And the best part is that I am super caffeinated so we can all enjoy a laugh at the crazy that is my life. Would you like cream and sugar? Cause I may be short on the sugah:)

I would post a pic of myself in some Kim Kardashian custom made shorts but I want you to keep reading. So, let me give you a brief rundown of the last year or so...I lost 235 (divorce not gastric bypass), Liam still poops in his pants (each week at Boy Scouts),  and the older 2 play hoops (LeBron-you have no competition). I have the best X-ILs in the world (and I wish my ex peace) and my dog thinks I am the shizzle. Seriously. He is always happy to see me even though he has been terribly expensive as of late. Perhaps it's time for him to get cast in one of those "Kibbles & Bits" commercials. I have always tried to do the right thing and admittedly, it has been a challenge.  I'm healthy, pretty darn happy,  have a  great job, 3 fantastic kids, and wonderful friends and family who have listened to me laugh, occasionally cry, and encouraged me not to close the freezer door on my head those days when I get frustrated. Really. It doesn't get much better than my life and I am blessed in every facet. My only regret is that since I'm single I wish I had gotten a tummy tuck post 3rd kid. Yes, Liam, you are lucky you are cute but I blame you for muscle separation.

I have been working hard to live an authentic, honest life with no regrets.  How am I doing? I have no clue. I don't know what I'm giving off, but I am just freaking flooded with kindness and I am very grateful.  Peeps mow my yard. Random strangers buy my stuff. Buy my kids toys. At Disney, someone bought our dinner. Someone paid for my oil change. Boom! Living right....maybe? My kids actually think that it's good to hang out with me because "we don't know what we will get."  And I have been hit on a lot! (English wizards, if you are reading then I want you to know that I know the term "a lot" is a violation of good use of the English language. Cut a sister some slack!) 20 year olds (no thanks-not interested in students, but I do appreciate the free drinks at the QT!!!) all the way to 70 year olds (no thanks to you either but I hear men are a hot ticket at the assisted living home. Allegedly there are like 5 chicks to every dude.) Some guy came up to me at Starbucks and asked if he could read my necklace. I'll just tell you what it says-don't touch it- thanks! But what this all leaves me with is....what am I like right now? Should I become a cat lady? Should I start drinking coffee at dinner and knitting? No, I really like guys too much for that. I mean, I have no problem meeting guys but I have to meet some I like. How do I do that?? Do they exist? Are they like Big Foot and only exist on Animal Planet?

I'm smart. I'm funny. I have a kick booty Wonderlic score which hasn't led to any NFL signing bonuses. I'm fiercely independent. I'm kind of cute. But for the love of googly, I don't have baggage, I have a freaking set of designer luggage. And in the spirit of candor, there is a greater chance that a kangaroo will knock on your door (unless you are in Australia)  than me being attracted to someone. Some days I so wish I was a guy. Don't they supposedly like everyone and everything? I kid:) And I so don't know how to act when I meet someone I'm attracted to which brings me to......