Bippity Boppity Boo

Before I start in on the exciting (I suppose that's relative) part of this blog, I would like to share what I was greeted with in the batch of magazines that arrived today in the mail. I had some immediate thoughts on a couple of the headlines. One magazine said "Look Better Naked." Mmmm. That's pretty easy. Either airbrush me or close your eyes and imagine that I look like Jessica Alba. Bam! Problem solved- no article necessary. The 2nd headline that caught my attention was "Look Hot in Shorts." I loathe shorts. Perhaps it's because I have ultra short legs, but it is the least flattering garment on most women in my very, very humble opinion. The last time I wore shorts of my own volition was in 1995 when I worked in a saloon. And those were some SHORT shorts. It was the uniform. So, a word of advice to those who know me know now. If you see me in a pair of shorts, please know that I am under the influence of hallucinogens. If you see me in a pair of short shorts, please call 911 because I have clearly lost my wits and need to be captured.

Wow. I'm not sure what happened to my 2 year old (aka Lambchop) today but at one point I swore that I was talking to Pol Pot. He had a series of issues beginning with some kind of sticky sauce getting on his giraffe. Unlike my older son who takes the George Foreman approach to naming, Lambchop take a more literal approach naming his beloved stuffed giraffe, Giraffe. I was driving on the Interstate and he was crying wanting me to wash Giraffe right now. Hello! Did he see a portable washing machine in the front seat? Then he started screaming and it was exactly like that scene in "Last King of Scotland" where Forest Whitaker is telling James McAvoy with his crazy eye that "Nicholas, you have betrayed me!" And James McAvoy is nervous because he knows Forest knows he is trying to move on from all that is Amin. I was nervous because this 2 year old was turning "mommy" into a 5 syllable word. He was relentless during this 5 hour car ride. Can a 2 year old have road rage? When we had to stop, he would say, "Go fast Mommy. Turn this into a rocket."  I, of course, was trying to reason with him telling him to look at the cars in front of us and that I couldn't take us to mach 4 speed. Then he was smacking me on the shoulder with the dog leash saying, "Go faster mommy!" Was I now Sea Biscuit? What happened to my love bug and why had he been replaced by Damien? Should I remind him of the fact that I have no stomach muscles thanks to him ?

Speaking of Damien, that is one of my absolute favorite horror movies, "The Omen". I like my movies to begin with a bang and that one does with the crazy nanny freaking out at the birthday party. Yeah, the kid playing Damien is creepy, but the woman who plays the 2nd nanny? Oy! The part where Lee Remick (I think that who plays Damien's mom) is in the hospital with 2 broken legs and she is trying to escape only to see the  lady above behind her. Totally makes my heart drop to my kidneys and makes me want to sleep with the light on!  The dad of Damien is supposed to be an Ambassador in the movie. Are we supposed to believe a sane person would allow this woman in the house? And for the record, I couldn't even get through the remake. Weak!!! Leave a classic alone.

This is how the children wear me down. I call this the ground attack. They come at you and ask you the same question 20-40 times. Sometimes in succession and other times that rephrase the question to get you to give a different answer. Since I was driving and stuck in traffic, they could probably sense the anxiety, hence the relentless attack. It's like their very own version of water boarding.

However, after arriving home, my little Lambchop was back. He said he had a surprise for me which I thought was the giant poop he had done, but he wanted to give me a hug first.  I can't hold a grudge.  I guess I just need to add a propeller to the car for him.

xoxo

The Beautiful People

Where have you been Marilyn Manson and your freaky eyeball? That may not be the best title for this blog but I can't think of a song about perfect people. Just roll with it, okay?

Back when I had one child, one of my secret vices was reading the Weddings and Celebrations sections of the NYT. Part of why I considered it such a guilty pleasure is that I couldn't believe people like that existed. This week I decided to revisit that section to see if I felt differently. I didn't. For example, the couples all have names like Abigail Claudia Dorsett Weston Vanderhaagen.  Abigail graduated  from some prep school in CT and graduated summa cum laude from Yale. She probably played a drinking game in college that required her to take a shot any time someone forgot one of her names.  Up until March, Abigail worked at Elle Magazine while serving on several charity boards and creating a vaccine for malaria in her basement. I suppose she left her job to focus on the wedding at the event space in Manhattan and working out with Hailey Pasternak to fit comfortably into her size 0 custom made Monique Lhuillier gown. Abs is so determined to whittle herself  down to Olsen size that she gnaws on the steering wheel of her Range Rover while sniffing an empty box of samoas that she purchased from the lone child (who thankfully was a Girl Scout) in her building to curb her hunger. She has been sucking on lemons for so long that she didn't have to get that extra vial of restylane to perfect her pout. What has she been doing these 5 months leading up to this colossal wedding?  Perhaps she was spending additional hours making sure she was registered for her Vera Wang potholders at Bergdorf Goodman? Who is Abs engaged to? Why none other than  Windensock Wallace Harrison Benson Weatherbee von Wetzen the VI. He is known to friends as something equally pretentious such as Pip or  Wal. Wal graduated magna cum laude (what no summa? failure!) and is attending Columbia Medical School where he is studying to be a neurosurgeon. Abigail will take his last name but where is girl gonna put it? I'm sure there is a character count limit at the DMV. After their wedding they will travel to Fiji and the Canary Islands for a 6 week vacation before returning to their Tribeca loft with their dog, Chanel. But before this trip, Abigail is going to stick her head in the 14 tiers of wedding cake because she is famished and the write up is complete.  She is tired of living on diuretics and lemon juice. Wal is just hoping Abs doesn't find out what happened at the bachelor party at Scores. He saw what happened to Mario Lopez and the Doritos chick.  He wasn't saved by the bell. Are these real people?

This reminded me (on a much smaller scale) of an email I received from a guy I've known since the 2nd grade. Let's call him Thor. Thor was  a very nice super achiever so why should I expect anything different in adulthood? He said he was a doctor specializing in spinal cord injuries and his wife was a fertility specialist. Their 3 perfect children were tri-lingual and had established some charity to benefit small business owners in South America. He also was working on a patent, blah, blah  and I just wanted to hit delete.Is it wrong to admit I threw up in my mouth as I read his email? I could actually hear Beck in the background singing "Loser." Again, he was a very nice, good person and this was all stated with enthusiastic candor. He was simply telling me about his life. When he asked what I had been up to, I couldn't very well tell him that I was happy that I had not worn my dress inside out to work that day or that the principal hadn't called so it was time to celebrate small victories. Should I make up something and tell him that I thought I had the cure for the ebola virus in my kitchen? Hadn't he heard that I won the Nobel Peace Prize? Can he do a split? Ha! I bet he can't. Perhaps his wife had split ends?  Should I remind him of my vast knowledge of the Brady Bunch? No, that would probably backfire and he would say he just had lunch with Greg and Marcia. Sigh.

So yes, apparently those perfect people do exist. You can recognize them because they are the ones that don't need an umbrella on a rainy day. Btw, I could totally go for a Samoa. Where are the Girl Scouts when you need them?

xoxo

The Heat Is On

I absolutely loathe and despise that song. Coming from a person who is normally freezing, even I can admit that it's hotter than Bradley Cooper outside! As a side note, I was listening to the radio the other day and the question was "what celebrity could you see yourself being friends with?" Mmmmmm. I couldn't think of one because I'm kind of crazy and that isn't exactly a selling point. However,I figure if Bradley Cooper was engaged to Renee Zellweger, he could do coffee with me. I could take my contacts out and squint at him just like Renee, because I can't see more than a foot or so in front of me minus these optical devices. Then I realized that  Bradley can see, so that probably wouldn't work out the way I wanted. It was a nice try though. Maybe I could bamboozle him with my beguiling charm and wit? Probably not. I guess I will keep doing coffee by myself.

I'm so out of the loop. I mean my husband told me about TomKat's divorce. And I keep seeing multiple women posting about some movie called Magic Mike? I just googled and read that it's about male strippers. NO. Yeah, I will have to pass on that as that just isn't me. However, I did hear that Kim K and Kanye are in the ATL looking at homes. Now, I ain't sayin she's a gold digger (I couldn't help myself #1) and I'm sure she will be showing off her um, assets (I couldn't help myself #2). No more allegedly reputable news sources for moi. It's just a giant freaking pit of depression. Today's headlines.."Record Heat Brings Death and Horror"; "Wildfire Victims Watch Homes Burn"; ""Ducks Blamed for Massive Pile Up" (I guess the brakes weren't all they were quacked up to be); "Shooting at Birthday Party." What is it with all of these shootings at birthday parties? Is this a southern thang? I don't remember seeing invitations that read "You and your glock are cordially invited..." when I was a kid. Instead of packing a gift these peeps are packing heat.  Is someone saying "I'll cap you if I don't get the last piece of cake"? Are Ak-47s in the goody bags? I don't get it. I did see a birthday party gone bad once. Ironically enough, I took my kids to Chuckee Cheese as a surprise for doing well in school (I'm a glutton for punishment) only to be met with a huge argument as we were getting out of the car. And it was difficult not to notice this argument. It was a husband and wife with at least 6 kids. She  yelled, "You've ruined my (expletive) life. I want a (expletive) divorce." Chuckee Cheese probably isn't the place to go if your marriage is on shaky ground. Nope, I'll just stick to US Weekly, dlisted.com, and ESPN for my news.

Earlier today I was giving myself a giant pat on the back because I almost had 2 kids that share names with those little guys from One Direction. This would give me major clout amongst the kiddos.  Nigel was going to be a Nial, but in keeping with southern tradition, people were adding an "s" on the end and that bothered me. Actually, he was going to be a Simon but I knew too many people with cats named Simon and I've never forgiven Simon LeBon for marrying that swimsuit model. Looking hot in a bikini is totally overrated. There-I said it. I digress.

I've noticed Southerners have a tendency to alter words. Kind of like how "window" becomes "winder."Single syllable words morph into three syllable words.  A former relative used to call her Ford Explorer a Ford Exploder. POW! That must be the vehicle of choice among the suicide bomber crowd. This same lady's husband allegedly drove a Ford Extraction (not sure if it was the wisdom tooth edition). Extraction, extradition, extrapolate..it's all the same I suppose. My mom always says someone is playing in a golf "tounament" (aka tournament). It's difficult for me to imagine Albacore and Yellowtail teeing off, but I suppose anything is possible.

Happy July 1st!

xoxo