So, my 2 year old loves to watch Maisy. Maisy is a mouse that rides on a tractor and has some uber hip friends named Charlie and Tallulah. Lambchop said, "I wuv Maisy. She's pretty." My 7 year old daughter said, "I can tell Maisy is a girl because her nose is slightly darker and her tail is longer than the average mouse." Really? I must have been absent when we studied mouse gender identification, because I was perplexed by this announcement. Now Minnie and Mickey are icons, and Minnie is more of a Lily Pulitzer kind of mouse with her hot pink bow. Maisy wears overalls with funny hats and most mice that I have seen (and I admit that I prefer not to see them in person) are not that fashion forward. However, I appreciate that my daughter put some thought into Miss Maisy. Did I actually write a paragraph about the fashions worn by animated mice? Yes, I did.
Admittedly I trust the judgement of my 7 year old daughter. I don't know if I should seek the advice of someone who wears a tutu, rain boot, and sunglasses, but she makes it work. She is so candid- like when I was trying on new glasses the other day at the eye doctor. She said, "Mommy, those glasses make you look really nerdy." She selected a pink pair with rhinestones because a) she knows I am so not a pink person and b) I don't do rhinestones. She said, "I love them. You look just like you are 10 and should be on "Good Luck Charlie." Was she looking through a kaleidoscope or one of those fun house mirrors? I will stick to nerdom, thanks.
What is it with reality television? I don't understand the fascination. I'm not sure when this revolution occurred but I remember years ago I heard about a show called "Survivor" when I was camping. When I heard the premise of the show was to try to be the last person (or last people on the island), that sounded like a counterproductive move. If you are stuck on an island, don't you want to go home like ET? Hanging out on an island trying to irritate each other and stink each other out doesn't sound like a good time to me. And then I heard you had to potentially give up lip balm and toothpaste and that show just didn't sound like something I wanted to be associated with on any level. I am wise enough to know that you will feel one of two ways about me if you were trapped on an island with me. You will think I am funny and appreciate my imitations of eastern European supermodels, Linda Blair in "The Exorcist", Jodi Foster in "Silence of the Lambs", or you will take the most likely route which includes wishing that I would be carried off by a vulture or figuring out how to build a makeshift raft to send me to my own island a la Castaway. You've gotta hand it to Tom Hanks. The man came a long way from wearing a bad polyester dress in "Bosom Buddies."
I am not much of a survivalist, but I am completely impressed by those people that possess those skills. So I took a survey of 15 people to see what they bring to the island. You just never know what you are going to hear when you poll people, but one said that he brought procreation to the island. I guess that would be pretty beneficial if we were working on a reality show with Michelle Duggar or Tori Spelling. Some people said they brought nothing and we would all be dead within a short period of time. Note to self-don't want to hang with that pessimistic crowd. Hello! We could build a float with popsicle sticks and driftwood. Didn't they do that on "Gilligan's Island?" Or maybe that was an old episode of "Martha Stewart"?
Of course there are always those people that can survive on the island. 3 respondents broke down how they could hunt, fish, build stuff, and navigate their way home. Yes, those people can do everything. It was truly impressive as the most requested survival skill on my last camping trip was more tequila less lime. I'm sure these guys could get Angie to turn over Billy Bob's blood in a vial (couldn't he have gotten her the diamond encrusted blood vial pendant courtesy of the fine peeps at Zales? perhaps that is why that union collapsed?) and help deliver the 2 year old that Jessica Simpson is about to give birth to in the next month or so.
The lesson learned from all of this? Kids are honest so take their advice and never take a long trip with someone with no survival skills. Unless it is David Beckham. There are exceptions to every rule.
Monday, March 26, 2012
Monday, March 19, 2012
Tattooes and Weddings
So, as I was heading out the door for an exciting night out to Big Lots and Walgreens, my husband asked where I was going. "Hello! I'm going to Big Lots to look for new foods from the Czech Republic." He said, "You look like you are going to a gala or a club." A club???? I have never liked clubs (but I am a devotee of the club cracker-yum!) Did I mention I gave myself the over the counter version of a Brazilian Blowout last night? It literally looks like my hair has been dipped in a vat of Wesson oil. However, I made sure the room was adequately ventilated and I'm still breathing so I suppose I get an A+ for following that section of directions. I love reading the warning labels on products. It's kind of like those commercials for certain medication drugs where they try to hide the big side effects in that "X-peesia may cause drowsiness, dry mouth, organ failure, nasal congestion, permanent paralysis, and nausea. In rare occurrences, X-peesia has caused people to think Two and Half Men is funny and mistake anti-freeze for Hawaiian Punch." You just have to cover your bases with the side effects. Perhaps it was because I wasn't wearing footed pajamas that he thought I was going out for a night on the town.
As I am getting ready to check out at Walgreens with Survivor's "Is This Love?" playing overhead, the lady in front of me starts chatting with me. She has a tattoo of a giant red robin down the bag of her leg. She told me she got the tattoo because of her son. Was her son a bird? I said, "Really?" She said that her son always loved red robins so she got it for him. Interesting approach. I mean my oldest son was crazy about Caillou but I didn't feel it necessary to get a tattoo of a bald 4 year old who wears shorts thru the harsh Canadian winters. My daughter loved Dora, but I felt no permanent commemoration was necessary. Speaking of Dora (my 2 year old calls her Doris), where is the parental unit? She is always traipsing everywhere with Boots and a map and Mom and Dad don't seem concerned about her whereabouts. She is the one kid who needs a cell phone. And what about Swiper? Has he had a rabies vaccination? Anyway, the lady in front of red robin was talking about her upcoming wedding.
Ah weddings. I don't understand why people spend so much money on them. I like them if there is an open bar and good cake. I don't mind the chicken dance but that too is something that is not a necessity. Too many people think "this is their day." Please. It's a freaking wedding and it shouldn't give people the right to act like total ....you know whats. Some people have multiple "their days" which is totally fine. Whatever makes you happy. There is nothing wrong with having a big wedding, but some people use that as an excuse to act like a brat. And I know their are certain people (my daughter included) who think that is their day to be a princess. You should be a princess every day! My wedding? We found a guy in the yellow pages. He had no eyebrows and the only attendants where his parrot and German shepherd. I never said I was a romantic! He said he would blow a conch shell for an additional $25 but I told him that wasn't necessary. I can sing my own Barry Manilow song.
Some of you know this story, but one of the most interesting weddings I went to was a nude wedding right after college. The bride, groom, and minister were nude but most of the other attendees were clothed. This was truly the one wedding where you could never be under-dressed. There was a photographer walking around and it was interesting to see the couple pose for photos. Wonder what that is like when they crack out the wedding album for guests now? Mmmmmm.
Anyway, I love it when I get feedback on my blog. I am thrilled when people tell me it makes them laugh so hard they cry. Thank you! A compliment is much nicer than an insult. But I can take those too....
In light of the discussion of tattoos, I leave you with a quote from the great Tattoo of "Fantasy Island", "Boss! Da plane. Da plane!"
xoxo
As I am getting ready to check out at Walgreens with Survivor's "Is This Love?" playing overhead, the lady in front of me starts chatting with me. She has a tattoo of a giant red robin down the bag of her leg. She told me she got the tattoo because of her son. Was her son a bird? I said, "Really?" She said that her son always loved red robins so she got it for him. Interesting approach. I mean my oldest son was crazy about Caillou but I didn't feel it necessary to get a tattoo of a bald 4 year old who wears shorts thru the harsh Canadian winters. My daughter loved Dora, but I felt no permanent commemoration was necessary. Speaking of Dora (my 2 year old calls her Doris), where is the parental unit? She is always traipsing everywhere with Boots and a map and Mom and Dad don't seem concerned about her whereabouts. She is the one kid who needs a cell phone. And what about Swiper? Has he had a rabies vaccination? Anyway, the lady in front of red robin was talking about her upcoming wedding.
Ah weddings. I don't understand why people spend so much money on them. I like them if there is an open bar and good cake. I don't mind the chicken dance but that too is something that is not a necessity. Too many people think "this is their day." Please. It's a freaking wedding and it shouldn't give people the right to act like total ....you know whats. Some people have multiple "their days" which is totally fine. Whatever makes you happy. There is nothing wrong with having a big wedding, but some people use that as an excuse to act like a brat. And I know their are certain people (my daughter included) who think that is their day to be a princess. You should be a princess every day! My wedding? We found a guy in the yellow pages. He had no eyebrows and the only attendants where his parrot and German shepherd. I never said I was a romantic! He said he would blow a conch shell for an additional $25 but I told him that wasn't necessary. I can sing my own Barry Manilow song.
Some of you know this story, but one of the most interesting weddings I went to was a nude wedding right after college. The bride, groom, and minister were nude but most of the other attendees were clothed. This was truly the one wedding where you could never be under-dressed. There was a photographer walking around and it was interesting to see the couple pose for photos. Wonder what that is like when they crack out the wedding album for guests now? Mmmmmm.
Anyway, I love it when I get feedback on my blog. I am thrilled when people tell me it makes them laugh so hard they cry. Thank you! A compliment is much nicer than an insult. But I can take those too....
In light of the discussion of tattoos, I leave you with a quote from the great Tattoo of "Fantasy Island", "Boss! Da plane. Da plane!"
xoxo
Saturday, March 17, 2012
I will take the whine, I mean wine and you can keep the cheese!
Boo! I hate to whine, but I just feel like it. Right now I feel like having a standing room only pity party like it's 1999. Seriously. I feel exactly like Drew Barrymore (except I don't do blue eye shadow) in "Never Been Kissed" when she oversleeps and wakes up with "Loser" stamped on her forehead. I don't know what I did to Karma, but I'm sorry. Really. I make mistakes. Lots of them, but is there anyway you can cut me some slack? Just as I was about to try to rent a cement mixer to stick my head in (that was for you JC-it replaces hot poker in the eye), my 7 yr old daughter came bounding in the room. She wanted to dance, so I played a song that I thought was by BTR, but it's a British boy band. I suppose that I should be embarrassed that I know who BTR is, right? Sigh. I guess One Direction is the tween version of Duran Duran? You learn something new every day.
Without going into detail of why I feel like I am a Lifetime movie in the making, I find myself no longer being surprised by any news. Btw, Drew, if you are reading this and I am POSITIVE you are not, you can play me. We are an 80% match on that celebrity doppelganger photo thing. I wouldn't have married Tom Green, but I've made some poor choices as well. It happens. If you aren't available, I guess Kate Hudson will do cause girl is over a 90% match. They both have fabulous noses, fatter bank accounts, and personal trainers so we could never be 100% matches. I know they would both be devastated to hear that. However, allegedly neither are fans of bathing and my deodorant is made out of a crystal. Perhaps we are kindred spirits? Who knows? Relax! I bathe. Kate Winslet and Patrick Swayze popped up as lower percentage matches. I've never really thought I looked much like Patrick Swayze (RIP), but perhaps it's the forehead? Kate...She's like the wind in "Titanic." I was about 2-3 years late to that photo matching phenom that was floating around on FB, but I chalk that up to being a later bloomer. Anyway, back to my whine, I know things could always be worse (and I don't want them to get there), but I am hoping they start to move in a super positive direction. As in upwardly mobile...please? With sugar on top? I will throw in some chocolate chips if necessary.......
I am trying to get this foster dog adopted. Not being familiar with hound dogs, I see they have a following. People turn to putty when they see this dog with legs longer than mine. Now, that's not saying much, but she is a rather unusual looking pup. Someone is interested, but she is trying to decide between our foster and a dog named George. Trust me. She will pick George. The thing with attending these foster events is that you have to sell the dog. Here is how an exchange may go:
Prospective Adopter 1-"She's adorable. Do you think she's around 8?"
Me-"She is isn't she? Yes, 8 is a great age. That sounds right" I have no idea how old the dog is as I don't have a birth certificate and she hasn't really volunteered that information.
Prospective Adopter 2-"She has the sweetest face. I love senior dogs. Do you think she's really old?"
Me-"Yes, I think she is really old. I think she just wants to find a nice retirement home and watch reruns of "The Golden Girls" and "Wheel Of Fortune. Why just yesterday she solved a puzzle with no vowels!" Ignore the fact that she never gets tired or sits down.
Propsective Adopter 3-"I love her bark. That's why I love hound dogs. Does she do that frequently?"
Me-"Would you like for her to do that frequently? I can tell you how to get her to do it." And let's hope you have nice neighbors and several sets of ear plugs.
Prospective Adopter 4-"Aw. She is beautiful. Is she quiet?"
Me-"Absolutely. She is like a big mouse." Just don't take her for a car ride or get out the leash because she will not stop talking.
Prospective Adopter 5-"Does she have a high prey drive?"
Me-"Not that I am aware of. She ignores the cat and just gazes at the rabbit." Exactly. Now she may be gazing at the rabbit envisioning her as some type of stew, but we aren't making any formal introductions between the two.
Prospective Adopter 6-"I think her face is prematurely gray don't you? I love gray."
Me-"Absolutely. Gray is a fantastic neutral that looks good on everyone."
Prospective Adopter 7-"I think her gray makes her look older. That kind of bothers me."
Me-" I know. Nothing that a little Garnier can't fix. She would look lovely as a blonde or as a redhead. I mean look at what it did for Julia Roberts."
In closing, someone asked me the other day if I "was one of those people who could laugh at myself." I am still laughing at that question....Peace out!
Without going into detail of why I feel like I am a Lifetime movie in the making, I find myself no longer being surprised by any news. Btw, Drew, if you are reading this and I am POSITIVE you are not, you can play me. We are an 80% match on that celebrity doppelganger photo thing. I wouldn't have married Tom Green, but I've made some poor choices as well. It happens. If you aren't available, I guess Kate Hudson will do cause girl is over a 90% match. They both have fabulous noses, fatter bank accounts, and personal trainers so we could never be 100% matches. I know they would both be devastated to hear that. However, allegedly neither are fans of bathing and my deodorant is made out of a crystal. Perhaps we are kindred spirits? Who knows? Relax! I bathe. Kate Winslet and Patrick Swayze popped up as lower percentage matches. I've never really thought I looked much like Patrick Swayze (RIP), but perhaps it's the forehead? Kate...She's like the wind in "Titanic." I was about 2-3 years late to that photo matching phenom that was floating around on FB, but I chalk that up to being a later bloomer. Anyway, back to my whine, I know things could always be worse (and I don't want them to get there), but I am hoping they start to move in a super positive direction. As in upwardly mobile...please? With sugar on top? I will throw in some chocolate chips if necessary.......
I am trying to get this foster dog adopted. Not being familiar with hound dogs, I see they have a following. People turn to putty when they see this dog with legs longer than mine. Now, that's not saying much, but she is a rather unusual looking pup. Someone is interested, but she is trying to decide between our foster and a dog named George. Trust me. She will pick George. The thing with attending these foster events is that you have to sell the dog. Here is how an exchange may go:
Prospective Adopter 1-"She's adorable. Do you think she's around 8?"
Me-"She is isn't she? Yes, 8 is a great age. That sounds right" I have no idea how old the dog is as I don't have a birth certificate and she hasn't really volunteered that information.
Prospective Adopter 2-"She has the sweetest face. I love senior dogs. Do you think she's really old?"
Me-"Yes, I think she is really old. I think she just wants to find a nice retirement home and watch reruns of "The Golden Girls" and "Wheel Of Fortune. Why just yesterday she solved a puzzle with no vowels!" Ignore the fact that she never gets tired or sits down.
Propsective Adopter 3-"I love her bark. That's why I love hound dogs. Does she do that frequently?"
Me-"Would you like for her to do that frequently? I can tell you how to get her to do it." And let's hope you have nice neighbors and several sets of ear plugs.
Prospective Adopter 4-"Aw. She is beautiful. Is she quiet?"
Me-"Absolutely. She is like a big mouse." Just don't take her for a car ride or get out the leash because she will not stop talking.
Prospective Adopter 5-"Does she have a high prey drive?"
Me-"Not that I am aware of. She ignores the cat and just gazes at the rabbit." Exactly. Now she may be gazing at the rabbit envisioning her as some type of stew, but we aren't making any formal introductions between the two.
Prospective Adopter 6-"I think her face is prematurely gray don't you? I love gray."
Me-"Absolutely. Gray is a fantastic neutral that looks good on everyone."
Prospective Adopter 7-"I think her gray makes her look older. That kind of bothers me."
Me-" I know. Nothing that a little Garnier can't fix. She would look lovely as a blonde or as a redhead. I mean look at what it did for Julia Roberts."
In closing, someone asked me the other day if I "was one of those people who could laugh at myself." I am still laughing at that question....Peace out!
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Karma, gifts, and being thrifty...I'm spanning the globe.
I have a a snippet of joy to share right now. One is that I am comfortably wearing a pair of pre-Lambchop jeans. I can wear some pre-Lambchop pants, but some still put pressure on the pancreas. Again, it's important to celebrate the milestones. In reality, I would love to celebrate this milestone with a blizzard, the greatest invention ever. Sigh. But I can't do that. Denial is a river of chocolate.
Lately, I have been wondering if my karma is out of whack. I try to be kind to others and do as I want others to do to me. Now, I realize you should do things because you want to, but occasionally it's important to do something because, well you just should. I love animals, but they are like kids. Translation-a ton of work. We used to foster dogs until my older dog began her precipitous decline (R.I.P Sasha). I was looking at the updates of a rescue group and a picture caught my eye. The write up said "Poor, old dog just wants somewhere to live out her last days." Apparently, she was in a foster group with multiple other dogs and not doing well. I thought that we could let this dog come stay with us to die. Like hospice for dogs. I wasn't concerned because our dog Atticus loves everyone, and I thought this would be an interesting life experience for the kids. It would be sad, but we would be helping the dog and learning something in the process.
I contact the group to inquire about this dog and whether she likes kids and animals. I am assured she likes animals and kids. "She is a very old couch potato and just needs to be somewhere else. If we can't find a new foster for her, we will have to put her down." What? I can't have that on my conscience. I realize I can't save them all but I've been so busy with work that I haven't had a chance to do something likes this. I fill out 18 pages of paperwork and the founder of the group does a house check. Thankfully, I wasn't wearing the forever lazy getup. The cat sits on his very expensive convertible import while he surveys our house. He approves us and I schedule to pick up Methuselah, I mean Maybelle. I'm envisioning that we will have to lift the dog off the back deck and pick her up to put her in the car. I meet a guy in a parking lot and with him is a very active, long legged hound dog. She is barking and standing up with her paws around his neck. Maybe he brought the wrong dog? I ask him if this is Maybelle. He says, "Yes, she's very old." Maybelle leaps in my car and jumps from the back seat to the passenger seat. The dog gets home and goes for a 5 mile run with my husband. Maybelle does have some grey hair, but I don't think it's time to start the funeral preparations. I'm not even sure if she is at retirement age yet. Oh well. The kids like her and I have explained that we are just fostering and want her to find a permanent retirement home....One thing about Maybelle though is that doesn't like to be alone.
Have I ever told you guys that I love a bargains? I try not to be into stuff but I buy myself a gift every now and then. For example, for Mother's Day a couple of years ago I brought myself a self feeding water dish. No, it's not that I am averse to drinking out of a cup, but I was tired of the dog drinking out of the toilet because the water would splash out of the bowl. Thus a large puddle of water would be in the laundry room and would cause me to think I was preparing for an Olympic Sport trying not to bust my butt because of said puddle. Is that too much info for everyone? I kept the lid down, but some other people in the house didn't. I'm not pointing fingers but you can figure out who they are. I realize it's not the typical gift most women ask for these days. Some want flowers, jewels, or expensive trips. I just wanted a self watering dog bowl. And I am still waiting for my electric blanket that was promised to me so I looked for one today at one of my fave stores ever.
I made a bi-annual vigil to a certain discount store. My husband always gets nervous because I come home with food with labels in languages we have to google. Hello! It's not like I'm bringing home food that says "Made in the USSR". I was too thrifty to purchase Nutella, so I purchased what I assume is a knock off brand. Kind of like when I buy Diet Dr. Peeper, which really sounds like a discount combo weight loss/optometry center. Who knew Poland was such a big producer of cappuccino? Yes, that is a child proof cover over the socket behind the counter. You just never know when I will feel wacky and decide to put a fork in the socket for kicks, so it's for my own safety.
Have I ever told you guys that I love a bargains? I try not to be into stuff but I buy myself a gift every now and then. For example, for Mother's Day a couple of years ago I brought myself a self feeding water dish. No, it's not that I am averse to drinking out of a cup, but I was tired of the dog drinking out of the toilet because the water would splash out of the bowl. Thus a large puddle of water would be in the laundry room and would cause me to think I was preparing for an Olympic Sport trying not to bust my butt because of said puddle. Is that too much info for everyone? I kept the lid down, but some other people in the house didn't. I'm not pointing fingers but you can figure out who they are. I realize it's not the typical gift most women ask for these days. Some want flowers, jewels, or expensive trips. I just wanted a self watering dog bowl. And I am still waiting for my electric blanket that was promised to me so I looked for one today at one of my fave stores ever.
I made a bi-annual vigil to a certain discount store. My husband always gets nervous because I come home with food with labels in languages we have to google. Hello! It's not like I'm bringing home food that says "Made in the USSR". I was too thrifty to purchase Nutella, so I purchased what I assume is a knock off brand. Kind of like when I buy Diet Dr. Peeper, which really sounds like a discount combo weight loss/optometry center. Who knew Poland was such a big producer of cappuccino? Yes, that is a child proof cover over the socket behind the counter. You just never know when I will feel wacky and decide to put a fork in the socket for kicks, so it's for my own safety.
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