It's not necessary to drudge up that my NFL prognostication record is abysmal. My record has taken more hits than Lindsay Lohan's car. Bada bing. Can I blame the replacement refs?What a crazy season. I can't figure out most of these teams. It's like solving pi with a fork and knife. Let's try again:
Starting with the obvious....
Panthers at Falcons-This may be the worst division in the NFL. Falcons should win the division hands down and should not lose to ANY of these awful teams. Experts are talking about how dangerous the Panthers are. Unless they are running on the field with scissors, I don't see it. Cam Newton is exciting and inconsistent and Steve Smith needs someone to get him the ball. Falcons (smile) put it on the Chargers last week. A drunk Michael Turner should still run through the Panther D (Thomas Davis of UGA is a beast though!). Falcons BIG.....
NE at Buffalo-Patriots are 1-2 but they still look pretty good at 1-2. Bills play the Pats tough but I feel the Pats have to get it going at some point. Is it me or does Rob Gronkowski look like he should hang with the cast of the Jersey Shore? Pats in a close one.
Minnesota at Detroit-As I stated, the Titans game was just the kind of game the Lions would lose. And they did but the loss was rather exciting. Titans were elated because they know that is probably the only W they get this season. While Minnesota knocked off the 49ers. Was it the spirit of Brett Favre? Did they drug the 49ers before the game? As we all know, a W is a W. Lions have no D, no running game, and one expert actually said Stafford was the problem. Well, he did get hurt making a tackle last week but I feel he isn't the issue. Let me ponder (ha) this. Adrian Peterson and the Vikes get the win.
NO at GB-Packers are still reeling from a loss to the Seahags while NO took it on the chin courtesy of the Chiefs. Saints are winless and when you lose to the Chiefs at home, the air has officially come out of the tires. As a matter of fact, you are peddling the car like Fred Flintstone. The Saints could use a visit from Kazoo to help. Brees doesn't look bad, but again, he doesn't play D. I look for Aaron Rodgers to do his discount double take dance and the Saints to be 0-4. Pack will attack.
SF at NYJ-Revis Island is on a vacation for the remainder of the season due to injury. However, this is a battle where both OBs are mediocre at best, but Sanchez is giving Derek Jeter a run for the fattest black book. I think the Jets defense gets Gored. Look for Sanchez to throw a pick 6. It's one thing that is almost a guarantee, like death and taxes. 49ers in a nail biter.
SD at KC- I hope they don't show us this game. Yawn. Chargers
Washington at TB-TB defense doesn't look bad but the O is quite anemic. I do like Josh Freeman's hair though. RG111 is the star of the Redskins and they have looked decent this year. Mmmmmm. Bucs eek out a W.
Giants at Philly-That Philly offensive line looks like a large block of swiss cheese. I forgot how many times Vick has been sacked but dude is just happy to be out of the big house. It's hard to go against Elmer. This is a tough one.G-men
Chicago at Dallas-I just saw breaking news that Kristin Cavalleri announced she and Jay Cutler want to have more kids soon. Uh huh. I'm sure she does. Spin the wheel for $$$$$$$$$. You just never know what you get with these 2 teams but it's time for the Cowboys to win. This is all based on nothing but the fact they win one, lose one, etc. There is no logic to any of this. You get more consistency in a smoothie. Look for Romo to get a W.
Cincy at Jacksonville-Did you hear? Jags won at the end of the game against the Colts. I look for the streak to end. I know the Bengals are also referred to as Bunglemania but they have a nice offense. Bengals get the victory.
Happy Birthday Bryant Gumbel! Yeah, he's allegedly a bit of a jerk and is good friends with Matt Lauer. That's 2 strikes, but he is good at what he does. Love "Real Sports"!
Goooooo Dawgs!
Saturday, September 29, 2012
Thursday, September 27, 2012
The Devoted Fan and College Picks
I have a confession to make. I am a loyal and devoted Georgia Bulldog. When I was pregnant with my daughter, she was due late January. Upon hearing this I told my OBGYN (who has actually been on a reality show...it was a brush with fame), that I was concerned because UGA was preseason number 2 and did she think the baby was coming early? What if they are in the BCS championship game? She looked at me with the same look I have when my kids pee on the toilet seat. Sadly, I didn't have to worry about UGA being in the championship game, but my daughter was born 3 weeks early...right around game time. Sigh. However, I laugh at these people who call into the coaches' shows to say, "You let me down by losing this week. How are you going to make it up to me?" Yes, I heard that on the Paul Johnson show this week and witnessed it in Columbus, OH after OSU lost to Florida. People were saying on the radio and in the newspaper that they expected Jim Tressel to make it up to them. Maybe the players could have hooked those disheartened folks up with a complimentary tattoo? What???? Make what up to you? Listen, life is full of disappointments. The lady on Romper Room let me down because she never called my name when she was looking through the glass. Snackwells let me down when they stopped making those little pudding cups. Disney let me down when they shot Old Yeller at the end of the movie. It was more like a dagger through the heart. My husband let me down when he ate my pumpkin bread after declaring it "gross." Wella Balsam shampoo let me down because they made it sound like if I washed my hair with the stuff, I would look like Brooke Shields. Deceptive marketing to a 7 year old. Wrong! And Jana T let me down in kindergarten after picking someone else to sit with her at the birthday table. Hello! I was terribly shy and just wanted to sit at the freaking table because I had on my brown corduroy jumpsuit and wedge boots. I felt divalicious. But, I got over it (I just have a really good memory). Mark Richt owes me nothing. If they lose, I don't expect to get what is behind door number 3. So those crazy fans, need to get over themselves. I lost 3 last week....Let's turn that frown upside down.
Ohio State vs Michigan State-Have you heard the soundbites from Mark Dantonio (Michigan State's coach)? He sounds like something that belongs in a tool box. Hey dude, sorry you lost to ND but that's your own fault. Ohio State is generally the best team in the BIG 10 each year, but they still have some issues left over from Tressel-gate. Urban has them on the right track so I say Buckeyes.
Wisconsin at Nebraska-Boring vs a little less boring. Gosh, this should really be as exciting as watching your computer start up. Mmmmm. Can we play plinko on this one? Maybe guesstures? Sounds like torn....Cornhuskers.
Arkansas at Texas A&M- I loved John L Smith's press conference this week. He said not to quit on the team and the entire state of Alabama team supported the Hogs. There is some truth to that as Bama has already beaten them by 52, so they want them to look as decent as possible in their other games. The Hogs have a series of problems and A&M is getting a taste of their new life in the SEC. No win for the Hogs this week. Aggies
Texas at Oklahoma State-I haven't heard anything about either of these teams this year. Obviously, I have done my research, right? Both schools always have players with great names like Colt, Ranger, Wyatt, and Lasso. Okay, no lassos that I know of as of now. I guess I will go with Mack Brown leaving a frown on the Cowboys faces.
Arizona State at Cal-I read that AZ State was voted as having the best looking student body of any school. That's lovely. However, both of these teams are perpetually overrated. The score will probably be 59-58 due to the strong D in the PAC 10. Adam Duritz is frequently on the sideline of Cal games and I remember thinking that it was probably awkward since he dated Jennifer Aniston and Courtney Cox. If a player has the last name Jones does he serenade them with "Mr. Jones"? These are serious issues I ponder. Decisions, decisions. Cal
NC State at Miami-The Canes had a big win against GT last week. Sadly, it's still the ACC. I've been to slack to google this but is the QB of Miami the son of Greg Morris of Mission Impossible fame? (See-my freaky memory) Canes
Tennessee at UGA-Smokey the Dog pays a visit to see my boy Russ, who has achieved super celebrity status as the UGA mascot. UGA put it on Vandy last week while Tennessee let Jason Taylor's alma mater of Akron hang around for about 3 quarters. Vols have a pretty good QB, but Rambo and Ogletree should be back. And Jarvis Jones is having a nasty season. GO DAWGS!
Happy Birthday to Shaun Cassidy! I liked Frank Hardy (this was pre-Kirstie Alley and her caravan of doughnuts) better but I love this video. Never date a man with better hair than you. Note, the bad guys are in the leather jackets. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GAuSM-uYWiU
Yes, I have been horrific in my pro picks. Those come out tomorrow.
Ohio State vs Michigan State-Have you heard the soundbites from Mark Dantonio (Michigan State's coach)? He sounds like something that belongs in a tool box. Hey dude, sorry you lost to ND but that's your own fault. Ohio State is generally the best team in the BIG 10 each year, but they still have some issues left over from Tressel-gate. Urban has them on the right track so I say Buckeyes.
Wisconsin at Nebraska-Boring vs a little less boring. Gosh, this should really be as exciting as watching your computer start up. Mmmmm. Can we play plinko on this one? Maybe guesstures? Sounds like torn....Cornhuskers.
Arkansas at Texas A&M- I loved John L Smith's press conference this week. He said not to quit on the team and the entire state of Alabama team supported the Hogs. There is some truth to that as Bama has already beaten them by 52, so they want them to look as decent as possible in their other games. The Hogs have a series of problems and A&M is getting a taste of their new life in the SEC. No win for the Hogs this week. Aggies
Texas at Oklahoma State-I haven't heard anything about either of these teams this year. Obviously, I have done my research, right? Both schools always have players with great names like Colt, Ranger, Wyatt, and Lasso. Okay, no lassos that I know of as of now. I guess I will go with Mack Brown leaving a frown on the Cowboys faces.
Arizona State at Cal-I read that AZ State was voted as having the best looking student body of any school. That's lovely. However, both of these teams are perpetually overrated. The score will probably be 59-58 due to the strong D in the PAC 10. Adam Duritz is frequently on the sideline of Cal games and I remember thinking that it was probably awkward since he dated Jennifer Aniston and Courtney Cox. If a player has the last name Jones does he serenade them with "Mr. Jones"? These are serious issues I ponder. Decisions, decisions. Cal
NC State at Miami-The Canes had a big win against GT last week. Sadly, it's still the ACC. I've been to slack to google this but is the QB of Miami the son of Greg Morris of Mission Impossible fame? (See-my freaky memory) Canes
Tennessee at UGA-Smokey the Dog pays a visit to see my boy Russ, who has achieved super celebrity status as the UGA mascot. UGA put it on Vandy last week while Tennessee let Jason Taylor's alma mater of Akron hang around for about 3 quarters. Vols have a pretty good QB, but Rambo and Ogletree should be back. And Jarvis Jones is having a nasty season. GO DAWGS!
Happy Birthday to Shaun Cassidy! I liked Frank Hardy (this was pre-Kirstie Alley and her caravan of doughnuts) better but I love this video. Never date a man with better hair than you. Note, the bad guys are in the leather jackets. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GAuSM-uYWiU
Yes, I have been horrific in my pro picks. Those come out tomorrow.
Friday, September 21, 2012
The N-F-L Week 3 According to T-L-T
Can I be an NFL referree? I like stripes and smack talk doesn't bother me. Oh, and I promise the games would come in under 24 hours unlike their current format.
What a deplorable week I had pick-wise. (Note to self...I haven't logged into either of my FF leagues so I'm going to assume I will finish at the bottom. One league I paid to join so I will list that as a charitable donation on my taxes. Just kidding IRS posse!) I got a whopping 3 out of 10 picks right last week, but I shall turn those digits around this week.
Bills vs Browns-The Bills rolled up big numbers on the no iron Chefs (aka Chiefs) last week. This week they travel to the dog pound to take on AARP member Brandon Wheedon and Trent Richardson. Browns have been close in their first 2 games, but as we all know, close only counts in pin the tail on the donkey. I like the Browns in an upset.
Speaking of the Chiefs they take on the Saints this weekend. Both teams are 0-2 so someone will get their first win. Saints appear to be missing Sean " I'm sucking on a lemon" Payton. But really, Drew Brees blindfolded and handcuffed to a chair is a better QB than Matt Cassel. If the Saints don't win this week, they should forfeit the remainder of their games. Saints get their first W.
Eagles at the Cardinals-In this battle of the birds, the Eagles have a propensity to turn the ball over and the Dogfather is a main offender. The Eagles will face their former QB in Kevin Kolb. Both are 2-0. I know. I know. The Cards are 2-0 based on no offense so the D must be pretty good. The last time the Cards were good, a guy name Kurt Warner was the QB and went on to "Suite Life On Deck" fame. I remember watching a Cardinals' game and they kept panning to this lady in the stands. I told my husband that must be Kurt Warner's mother. Oops. Sorry Mrs. Warner. I had no idea that was his wife. Everyone is saying take the Cards. And I should, because the Eagles will turn it over 5 or 6 times. Can't do it. Eagles.
Patriots vs Ravens-What happened to the Brady Bunch last week? Was Tom thinking about how hot his wife is? In my very humble opinion, the Ravens got the shaft thanks to the Dollar General refs. Football referring was a PE offered at the University of GA in the 90s. Uh huh. Pats are phasing out Welker because he wants them to make it rain and it snows in Boston. Mmmmmmm. Gosh, can the Pats be 1-2 after 3 games? No, I'm taking the Pats in a close one.
Bengals vs Redskins- Redskins lost to the Rams last week due to some poor judgment on Josh Morgan's part. The Nasty Nati comes to Daniel Snyder's theme park. Redskins in a close one. Prepare to start Griffining.
Bucaneers vs Cowboys-I'm over hearing about Greg Schiano saying they fight until the end. Whatevs Greg. Let's move on from that fiasco. Speaking of fiascos, the Cowboys were completely annihilated by the Seahags and those transformer uniforms. Wow, this one is tough. Mmmmm. Romo & Bryant in a close one.
Lions vs Titans-Lions have no running game and no D. It's comprised of people similar to the ones that played on my brother's high school football team. They lost every game one season (just like the Lions) and they didn't score until the 6th or 7th game of the season. Jake "the Hurt" Locker is already banged up 2 games in so that means they would have to wheel out the Hasselback. As bad as the Titans are, this is the kind of game the Lions could lose. But I support Stafford and Johnson. Lions
Jets vs the Dolphins-Maybe Eva Longoria will sit with Ryan Tanneyhill's wife. Reggie Bush lit the Rayduhs up last week, but something tells me the Jets will be better prepared. I saw an article this week that said Tim Tebow would like to run for office. That's sweet. I guess the opponent's campaign sign will say "No Mo Tebow" or "Tebow Gots 2 Go Go." Jets
49ers vs Vikings-I think the 49ers are the best team in da NFL right now even with Alex Smith at QB. Let me (ha) ponder what the Vikes have. AP, Christian Ponder, and former UGA kicker Blair Walsh. Mmmmmm. Yeah. I'll take the 49ers.
Texans at the Broncos-Peyton had a rough 1st half last week while this is allegedly and supposedly again the Texans year. I just don't know what to think of some of these teams. Broncos
Falcons at the Chargers-Falcons got a big win on MNF and Michael Turner decide to tie one on after the game. Maybe he drank a stoplight? For those of you playing along at home, a stoplight is 3 shots that we used to serve at a place I used to work centuries ago. Red is cinnamon schnappes. Yellow is Galliano (Most restaurants never have to reorder a bottle of this vile alcohol. The bottle is pretty, but it's essentially like drinking urine laced with bleach and rat poison. Sounds scrumptious doesn't it?) and Green is Midori (not to be confused with that Japanese figure skater from the 90s named Midori Ito) I digress. I think it's well documented how I feel about Phillip Rivers and the Chargers, but San Diego is a fabulous, lovely city. This will be close, but I like feel like the "winner, winner chicken dinner dance" will be done by our feathered Falcons.
Shake your tail feathers...
What a deplorable week I had pick-wise. (Note to self...I haven't logged into either of my FF leagues so I'm going to assume I will finish at the bottom. One league I paid to join so I will list that as a charitable donation on my taxes. Just kidding IRS posse!) I got a whopping 3 out of 10 picks right last week, but I shall turn those digits around this week.
Bills vs Browns-The Bills rolled up big numbers on the no iron Chefs (aka Chiefs) last week. This week they travel to the dog pound to take on AARP member Brandon Wheedon and Trent Richardson. Browns have been close in their first 2 games, but as we all know, close only counts in pin the tail on the donkey. I like the Browns in an upset.
Speaking of the Chiefs they take on the Saints this weekend. Both teams are 0-2 so someone will get their first win. Saints appear to be missing Sean " I'm sucking on a lemon" Payton. But really, Drew Brees blindfolded and handcuffed to a chair is a better QB than Matt Cassel. If the Saints don't win this week, they should forfeit the remainder of their games. Saints get their first W.
Eagles at the Cardinals-In this battle of the birds, the Eagles have a propensity to turn the ball over and the Dogfather is a main offender. The Eagles will face their former QB in Kevin Kolb. Both are 2-0. I know. I know. The Cards are 2-0 based on no offense so the D must be pretty good. The last time the Cards were good, a guy name Kurt Warner was the QB and went on to "Suite Life On Deck" fame. I remember watching a Cardinals' game and they kept panning to this lady in the stands. I told my husband that must be Kurt Warner's mother. Oops. Sorry Mrs. Warner. I had no idea that was his wife. Everyone is saying take the Cards. And I should, because the Eagles will turn it over 5 or 6 times. Can't do it. Eagles.
Patriots vs Ravens-What happened to the Brady Bunch last week? Was Tom thinking about how hot his wife is? In my very humble opinion, the Ravens got the shaft thanks to the Dollar General refs. Football referring was a PE offered at the University of GA in the 90s. Uh huh. Pats are phasing out Welker because he wants them to make it rain and it snows in Boston. Mmmmmmm. Gosh, can the Pats be 1-2 after 3 games? No, I'm taking the Pats in a close one.
Bengals vs Redskins- Redskins lost to the Rams last week due to some poor judgment on Josh Morgan's part. The Nasty Nati comes to Daniel Snyder's theme park. Redskins in a close one. Prepare to start Griffining.
Bucaneers vs Cowboys-I'm over hearing about Greg Schiano saying they fight until the end. Whatevs Greg. Let's move on from that fiasco. Speaking of fiascos, the Cowboys were completely annihilated by the Seahags and those transformer uniforms. Wow, this one is tough. Mmmmm. Romo & Bryant in a close one.
Lions vs Titans-Lions have no running game and no D. It's comprised of people similar to the ones that played on my brother's high school football team. They lost every game one season (just like the Lions) and they didn't score until the 6th or 7th game of the season. Jake "the Hurt" Locker is already banged up 2 games in so that means they would have to wheel out the Hasselback. As bad as the Titans are, this is the kind of game the Lions could lose. But I support Stafford and Johnson. Lions
Jets vs the Dolphins-Maybe Eva Longoria will sit with Ryan Tanneyhill's wife. Reggie Bush lit the Rayduhs up last week, but something tells me the Jets will be better prepared. I saw an article this week that said Tim Tebow would like to run for office. That's sweet. I guess the opponent's campaign sign will say "No Mo Tebow" or "Tebow Gots 2 Go Go." Jets
49ers vs Vikings-I think the 49ers are the best team in da NFL right now even with Alex Smith at QB. Let me (ha) ponder what the Vikes have. AP, Christian Ponder, and former UGA kicker Blair Walsh. Mmmmmm. Yeah. I'll take the 49ers.
Texans at the Broncos-Peyton had a rough 1st half last week while this is allegedly and supposedly again the Texans year. I just don't know what to think of some of these teams. Broncos
Falcons at the Chargers-Falcons got a big win on MNF and Michael Turner decide to tie one on after the game. Maybe he drank a stoplight? For those of you playing along at home, a stoplight is 3 shots that we used to serve at a place I used to work centuries ago. Red is cinnamon schnappes. Yellow is Galliano (Most restaurants never have to reorder a bottle of this vile alcohol. The bottle is pretty, but it's essentially like drinking urine laced with bleach and rat poison. Sounds scrumptious doesn't it?) and Green is Midori (not to be confused with that Japanese figure skater from the 90s named Midori Ito) I digress. I think it's well documented how I feel about Phillip Rivers and the Chargers, but San Diego is a fabulous, lovely city. This will be close, but I like feel like the "winner, winner chicken dinner dance" will be done by our feathered Falcons.
Shake your tail feathers...
Thursday, September 20, 2012
College football picks and is it time for the tall boots?
I can't wait until the temps drop so I can crack out the tall boots. If you follow along, you know that utter and complete bliss to me is a pair of really cool boots that fit over my ginormous calves. Cape quest 2012 continues as the one I saw in a magazine the other day cost $6700. No decimal is missing from that price. Even if I was swimming in benjamins, I wouldn't pay that kind of money for a cape. I can just wrap myself in my snuggie which was clearly designed for someone of LeBron James' stature and pretend I'm an equestrian.
As a side note, as I'm watching Thursday night NFL, it looks like it will be Elmer, with the cardigan sweater in the victory formation. Yeah, remember that Greg "I built that juggernaut known as Rutgers" Schiano.... They are also playing "Dead or Alive" during half time so that sounds a bit ominous for Cam and the home team.
Last week I was 4-3, so that makes me 17-4 on the season in college picks. So, I've consulted the crystal ball and my peeps at cfn.scout.com to see who is playing where because I've been busy discussing Amanda Bynes, Dina Lohan, and trying not to have an aneurism due to the antics of my 7 year old daughter. So let's see if I drop the anvil this week on these picks...
Michigan at ND-This is a game that makes prognosticators salivate. Seriously. They want both of these teams to play for a national title each year. Did you know Steve Spurrier, Bob Stoops, Lou Holtz, and Mark Mangino (the guy that bore a striking resemblance to Grimace that coached Kansas) are best of friends? I wonder if anyone ever hands Lou a bib and encourages him to dress up like Sylvester the cat at Halloween? Anyway, I thought Brent Musberger (sp?-too lazy to google) was going to cry as he pulled up the Irish schedule last week during ND-Michigan State. "Folks. Do you realize the Irish could go undefeated?" Totally, Brent. And do you realize I could have been a Victoria's Secret swimsuit model if I was 8 inches taller, 20 pounds thinner, and had over $100k in plastic surgery procedures? Exactly. ND beat Michigan State (land of the celebratory couch burnings) so can they defeat the other Big 10 team from the Wolverine state? Hmmmmm. Gosh. I'm taking Michigan in an upset based on the fact ND's coach always looks drunk.
Clemson vs FSU- These 2 coaches have two of my favorite names....Dabo vs Jimbo. Where is Honey Boo Boo when you need her? Since VA Tech lost to Pitt (the ultimate shame) last week, the ACC is ripe for the taking. Perhaps. It's the ACC (sometimes I think it's the all crap conference) so you never know. I say the spirit of Bobby Bowden will rise up at Doak Campbell and deliver a W for the Noles.
Rutgers at Arkansas-Typically, this wouldn't make the list, but John L Smith has managed to make the Hogs the collegiate version of hard knocks. He sounds like Amanda Bynes during his press conferences and may be speaking to inanimate objects as well. No, it appears he's talking to players but they have tuned him out. Perhaps they should watch "Remember the Titans" and maybe Sunshine will magically appear on the field and lead Woo Pig Sooey to their first win. They looked absolutely atrocious last week. I don't know anything about Rutgers this year, but I'm taking them in a close game. What??? Am I really doing that?
Kansas State at Oklahoma-Kansas State put a hurting on da U. Oklahoma will choke, but I don't think it happens this week. Laundry Jones and Boomer sooner baby!
Miami vs GT- GT was not cavalier about their victory over UVA while the Canes beat Bethune-Cookman. Al Golden's team appears to have a multitude of issues. Alex, I'll take Jackets for $1 for the W.
Mizzou at South Carolina-Gary Pinkel meet Darth Visor. Gamecocks get the win.
Syracuse at Minnesota-Will anyone be watching this game? The last time Syracuse was good was when there was a guy named McNabb at QB and I think (again not fact checking) Dwight Freeney was an Orangeman as well? One of the best malls in America is in Syracuse and they have townships. Me loves the term township. I'll take the Orangemen over the Gophers.
LSU at Auburn- Honeybadger, honeythief, honey boo-boo, honey nut cheerios, it's all the same. Only the names have changed. Auburn had to go to OT to be Louisiana-Monroe. Maybe Brittany Spears will sing the national anthem? Oops I did it again. Auburn will wish they had some of that purple drank with a shot of NyQuil mixed in with those jolly ranchers. Tigers and I'll be specific in the kind...Bayou Bengals get a victory.
UGA vs Vandy-You know my husband says I never understand what's happening in movies or tv shows because I'm not paying attention. It's taken him this long to figure that out? Duh! I don't care about finding Bigfoot. He also says he has no idea what half the words I use mean. That's because I make them up. I'll be releasing my very own version of the dictionary later this year in time for the holidays so order now. UGA beat the Owls of FAU (who get the joy of playing Alabama this week) while Vandy played SC close on the opening Thursday night game. Vandy's D is nice, but I expect Gurley to surely leap into the end zone a couple of times. GO DAWGS!
I was 3-7 on my pro picks last week (can I get an O-U-C-H), but I will redeem myself with picks tomorrow. I leave you with a link to Jay Cutler's offspring. http://celebritybabies.people.com/2012/09/20/kristin-cavallari-camden-labor-delivery-story/#more-169590
As a side note, as I'm watching Thursday night NFL, it looks like it will be Elmer, with the cardigan sweater in the victory formation. Yeah, remember that Greg "I built that juggernaut known as Rutgers" Schiano.... They are also playing "Dead or Alive" during half time so that sounds a bit ominous for Cam and the home team.
Last week I was 4-3, so that makes me 17-4 on the season in college picks. So, I've consulted the crystal ball and my peeps at cfn.scout.com to see who is playing where because I've been busy discussing Amanda Bynes, Dina Lohan, and trying not to have an aneurism due to the antics of my 7 year old daughter. So let's see if I drop the anvil this week on these picks...
Michigan at ND-This is a game that makes prognosticators salivate. Seriously. They want both of these teams to play for a national title each year. Did you know Steve Spurrier, Bob Stoops, Lou Holtz, and Mark Mangino (the guy that bore a striking resemblance to Grimace that coached Kansas) are best of friends? I wonder if anyone ever hands Lou a bib and encourages him to dress up like Sylvester the cat at Halloween? Anyway, I thought Brent Musberger (sp?-too lazy to google) was going to cry as he pulled up the Irish schedule last week during ND-Michigan State. "Folks. Do you realize the Irish could go undefeated?" Totally, Brent. And do you realize I could have been a Victoria's Secret swimsuit model if I was 8 inches taller, 20 pounds thinner, and had over $100k in plastic surgery procedures? Exactly. ND beat Michigan State (land of the celebratory couch burnings) so can they defeat the other Big 10 team from the Wolverine state? Hmmmmm. Gosh. I'm taking Michigan in an upset based on the fact ND's coach always looks drunk.
Clemson vs FSU- These 2 coaches have two of my favorite names....Dabo vs Jimbo. Where is Honey Boo Boo when you need her? Since VA Tech lost to Pitt (the ultimate shame) last week, the ACC is ripe for the taking. Perhaps. It's the ACC (sometimes I think it's the all crap conference) so you never know. I say the spirit of Bobby Bowden will rise up at Doak Campbell and deliver a W for the Noles.
Rutgers at Arkansas-Typically, this wouldn't make the list, but John L Smith has managed to make the Hogs the collegiate version of hard knocks. He sounds like Amanda Bynes during his press conferences and may be speaking to inanimate objects as well. No, it appears he's talking to players but they have tuned him out. Perhaps they should watch "Remember the Titans" and maybe Sunshine will magically appear on the field and lead Woo Pig Sooey to their first win. They looked absolutely atrocious last week. I don't know anything about Rutgers this year, but I'm taking them in a close game. What??? Am I really doing that?
Kansas State at Oklahoma-Kansas State put a hurting on da U. Oklahoma will choke, but I don't think it happens this week. Laundry Jones and Boomer sooner baby!
Miami vs GT- GT was not cavalier about their victory over UVA while the Canes beat Bethune-Cookman. Al Golden's team appears to have a multitude of issues. Alex, I'll take Jackets for $1 for the W.
Mizzou at South Carolina-Gary Pinkel meet Darth Visor. Gamecocks get the win.
Syracuse at Minnesota-Will anyone be watching this game? The last time Syracuse was good was when there was a guy named McNabb at QB and I think (again not fact checking) Dwight Freeney was an Orangeman as well? One of the best malls in America is in Syracuse and they have townships. Me loves the term township. I'll take the Orangemen over the Gophers.
LSU at Auburn- Honeybadger, honeythief, honey boo-boo, honey nut cheerios, it's all the same. Only the names have changed. Auburn had to go to OT to be Louisiana-Monroe. Maybe Brittany Spears will sing the national anthem? Oops I did it again. Auburn will wish they had some of that purple drank with a shot of NyQuil mixed in with those jolly ranchers. Tigers and I'll be specific in the kind...Bayou Bengals get a victory.
UGA vs Vandy-You know my husband says I never understand what's happening in movies or tv shows because I'm not paying attention. It's taken him this long to figure that out? Duh! I don't care about finding Bigfoot. He also says he has no idea what half the words I use mean. That's because I make them up. I'll be releasing my very own version of the dictionary later this year in time for the holidays so order now. UGA beat the Owls of FAU (who get the joy of playing Alabama this week) while Vandy played SC close on the opening Thursday night game. Vandy's D is nice, but I expect Gurley to surely leap into the end zone a couple of times. GO DAWGS!
I was 3-7 on my pro picks last week (can I get an O-U-C-H), but I will redeem myself with picks tomorrow. I leave you with a link to Jay Cutler's offspring. http://celebritybabies.people.com/2012/09/20/kristin-cavallari-camden-labor-delivery-story/#more-169590
Friday, September 14, 2012
The NFL Week 2
It's my 101st post, and just like the dalmatians, my record was a bit spotty last week. Did you see that? Jay Cutler just threw another interception and it was deflected by Kristen Cavalleri. (See Jay pictured below with Clay Mathews in the Dalmatian costume. I'm celebrating Halloween a little early for illustrative purposes.)She doesn't care because Jay will have to make it rain for the next 18 years.
I was questioning the Jets offense but they certainly proved me wrong by hanging 48 on the hapless Buffalo Bills. Sanchez also scored with that pass he made on Eva Longoria, but surely she learned her lesson with Tony Parker. However, I doubt they are discussing the situation in Darfur or the developing typhoon in the Pacific, so I give it 3 months. There appear to be some real clunkers this week, so on to the picks.....
Chiefs vs Bills-Geez...This looks like a terrible game and looks aren't always deceiving. There is nothing for me to analyze, except props to Ryan Fitzpatrick and Matt Cassel for signing fat deals. Were narcotics involved? Mmmmmm. Chiefs?
Ravens vs Eagles-Have I told you how much I love John Harbaugh? He is adorable and a good friend of mine played football with him at Miami of Ohio. Whenever he tells me a college story, I ask if my boyfriend John Harbaugh was there. That makes me sound shallow doesn't it? Eagles looked weak last week with the Dogfather having 4 picks against the Browns. Fortunately, when you play the Browns you can still win with 14 picks. This should be one of the better games this week and I think Ed Reed will get a couple of picks. Ravens in a close one.
Saints at the Panthers-I was sure the Saints would thump the Redskins last week and I was totally wrong on that one. Some prognosticators had Carolina going to the Superbowl. I love watching Cam Newton but nothing indicates they are a Superbowl team or even a tidy bowl team. Will they feel a Brees in Charlotte this weekend? Saints march in and redeem themselves.
Browns vs Bengals-As a friend of mine said, "the Ravens made the Bengals look stupid " last week. However, if you want to look better, play the Browns. AJ Green should have a nice day against the Browns secondary. Hopefully, Andy Dalton slathers himself in 80 plus sunblock before each game. I'll take the NFL home of many former UGA Bulldogs in the battle of Ohio.
Cardinals vs Patriots-Kevin Kolb rallied the Cards last week against the Hags in a game we thankfully did not see. Now, it's time to play a real team. Tom Brady is set to become a dad again later this year, so maybe the Cards can talk to his 2 year old about being the backup QB since Skelton's hurt. Can't be worse than what they have, right? Patriots big.
Redskins vs Rams-Rams played the Lions close last week and RG3 had a great first game. Griffining looks like it works your abs more than Tebowing. Can the Redskins win 2 in a row? Sure, why not.
Raiders vs Dolphins-I guess Dolphin fans are most excited about seeing Ryan Tanneyhill's wife at the games. Maybe she can be a cheerleader? They also get to hear a crappy Jennifer Lopez song specifically written for them at the beginning of the game. No wonder they look so sad. Raiders in a low scoring, snoozer.
Titans vs Chargers-You know I don't like Phillip Rivers because he just seems like a complete redneck. I do however adore the Titan's Will Witherspoon (one of my all time favorite Bulldogs, animal rescuer and all around good guy). Hopefully, the 2 will meet on the field. I'm taking the Titans in an upset for no particular reason and because I don't want the Chargers to win. That's not sound logic is it?
Jets vs Steelers-Big Ben is going to be a dad later this year, and I hope the child looks more like mom (whatever she looks like). Ben can always ask Antonio Cromartie for parenting and naming advice. Pittsburgh d was picked apart by Peyton and company last week. Can the Jets put up big points again? Mmmmmm. Gosh. I would rather the Steelers win, so as a vote of support, I'll wave the yellow towel.
Lions vs 49ers-I picked the 49ers to take the Pack last week and that one I got right! As I've said many times, love Stafford and Johnson and want them to do well. Allegedly, Suh and Lolo Jones are dating. Suh is really intelligent and that's not the vibe Lolo gives off, but she is cute. But none of that will matter because the 49ers are going to win. And then there will be a UFC match at the end between Jim Harbaugh and Jim Scwartz. Again, I will take the 49ers coach in that one too.
Key up CeCe Penniston,...finally....Broncos at the Falcons. It was great to see Peyton Manning do well and Knowshon Moreno have a nice week. Falcons beat up on the Chiefs last week. This should be a good game and I take the Falcons on a late score at the Blank dome. Watch.....
To prove that we have really deep and meaningful discussions in my house, my husband confused Drake with Flo-rida which led to a conversation about Sammy Davis Jr. Next up? A discussion about how much plastic surgery Barry Manilow has had, and I leave you with a clip showing the last time Barry's face moved. Love the vest. That Mandy was a total wench. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GK8-gZVkYsk
I was questioning the Jets offense but they certainly proved me wrong by hanging 48 on the hapless Buffalo Bills. Sanchez also scored with that pass he made on Eva Longoria, but surely she learned her lesson with Tony Parker. However, I doubt they are discussing the situation in Darfur or the developing typhoon in the Pacific, so I give it 3 months. There appear to be some real clunkers this week, so on to the picks.....
Chiefs vs Bills-Geez...This looks like a terrible game and looks aren't always deceiving. There is nothing for me to analyze, except props to Ryan Fitzpatrick and Matt Cassel for signing fat deals. Were narcotics involved? Mmmmmm. Chiefs?
Ravens vs Eagles-Have I told you how much I love John Harbaugh? He is adorable and a good friend of mine played football with him at Miami of Ohio. Whenever he tells me a college story, I ask if my boyfriend John Harbaugh was there. That makes me sound shallow doesn't it? Eagles looked weak last week with the Dogfather having 4 picks against the Browns. Fortunately, when you play the Browns you can still win with 14 picks. This should be one of the better games this week and I think Ed Reed will get a couple of picks. Ravens in a close one.
Saints at the Panthers-I was sure the Saints would thump the Redskins last week and I was totally wrong on that one. Some prognosticators had Carolina going to the Superbowl. I love watching Cam Newton but nothing indicates they are a Superbowl team or even a tidy bowl team. Will they feel a Brees in Charlotte this weekend? Saints march in and redeem themselves.
Browns vs Bengals-As a friend of mine said, "the Ravens made the Bengals look stupid " last week. However, if you want to look better, play the Browns. AJ Green should have a nice day against the Browns secondary. Hopefully, Andy Dalton slathers himself in 80 plus sunblock before each game. I'll take the NFL home of many former UGA Bulldogs in the battle of Ohio.
Cardinals vs Patriots-Kevin Kolb rallied the Cards last week against the Hags in a game we thankfully did not see. Now, it's time to play a real team. Tom Brady is set to become a dad again later this year, so maybe the Cards can talk to his 2 year old about being the backup QB since Skelton's hurt. Can't be worse than what they have, right? Patriots big.
Redskins vs Rams-Rams played the Lions close last week and RG3 had a great first game. Griffining looks like it works your abs more than Tebowing. Can the Redskins win 2 in a row? Sure, why not.
Raiders vs Dolphins-I guess Dolphin fans are most excited about seeing Ryan Tanneyhill's wife at the games. Maybe she can be a cheerleader? They also get to hear a crappy Jennifer Lopez song specifically written for them at the beginning of the game. No wonder they look so sad. Raiders in a low scoring, snoozer.
Titans vs Chargers-You know I don't like Phillip Rivers because he just seems like a complete redneck. I do however adore the Titan's Will Witherspoon (one of my all time favorite Bulldogs, animal rescuer and all around good guy). Hopefully, the 2 will meet on the field. I'm taking the Titans in an upset for no particular reason and because I don't want the Chargers to win. That's not sound logic is it?
Jets vs Steelers-Big Ben is going to be a dad later this year, and I hope the child looks more like mom (whatever she looks like). Ben can always ask Antonio Cromartie for parenting and naming advice. Pittsburgh d was picked apart by Peyton and company last week. Can the Jets put up big points again? Mmmmmm. Gosh. I would rather the Steelers win, so as a vote of support, I'll wave the yellow towel.
Lions vs 49ers-I picked the 49ers to take the Pack last week and that one I got right! As I've said many times, love Stafford and Johnson and want them to do well. Allegedly, Suh and Lolo Jones are dating. Suh is really intelligent and that's not the vibe Lolo gives off, but she is cute. But none of that will matter because the 49ers are going to win. And then there will be a UFC match at the end between Jim Harbaugh and Jim Scwartz. Again, I will take the 49ers coach in that one too.
Key up CeCe Penniston,...finally....Broncos at the Falcons. It was great to see Peyton Manning do well and Knowshon Moreno have a nice week. Falcons beat up on the Chiefs last week. This should be a good game and I take the Falcons on a late score at the Blank dome. Watch.....
To prove that we have really deep and meaningful discussions in my house, my husband confused Drake with Flo-rida which led to a conversation about Sammy Davis Jr. Next up? A discussion about how much plastic surgery Barry Manilow has had, and I leave you with a clip showing the last time Barry's face moved. Love the vest. That Mandy was a total wench. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GK8-gZVkYsk
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Picks and Happy 100th Post
It's my 100th post and in honor of this monumental achievement, I want to say thanks to any and everyone who reads this stuff. I'm trying to prove you can still rock in America and you are the wind beneath my wings. You make me feel like I'm living a teenage dream, and I throw my hands up in the air sometimes saying, a-o.
On another note, I had this visual of what life would be like when my kids started school. I had visions of learning and laughter. That visual is not even close to the reality. It's really more like crying with a bad case of food poisoning while sitting on a chair filled with thumbtacks. It's similar to the friend of mine who romanticized mother hood and thought it would be like one of those images in the J Crew catalog. You know the ones I am referring to... A tall, lanky lady is standing in a field, with long lush tendrils wearing a crisp white shirt, while holding the hand of her cherubic child who is dressed in smocked dress with a daisy in her hair. What you can't see in the picture is the giant bird flying overhead that is about to massive and colossal crap on everyone. Enough of that. On to football...
I hate to brag but SHAZAAM! I got all 7 picks correct last week (take that Game Day) and I didn't pick the cupcakes. Actually, I would always love to pick a cupcake, but I'm just not ready to resign myself to a life in muumuus. As we all know, lightening doesn't strike twice unless you super glue your self to a metal pole in Oklahoma, so I'm prepared to miss big this week. However, the game quality this week is not exactly stellar artois, so coming up with 7 games was difficult.
Notre Dame at Michigan St-Did everyone hear? Notre Dame has joined the ACC but remains an independent with football and hockey. They should just go ahead and join the mediocrity of the ACC football. Someone told me Michigan State may be the best team in the Big 10. Wow. That's really saying nothing. However, I think Sparty will prevail against ND.
USC at Stanford-I saw an interview with Lane Kiffin the other day and the man doesn't look a day over 12. When he is sitting in the living room recruiting the high schoolers, the parents probably ask him when he will be old enough to get his learner's permit not realizing he's the coach there to bamboozle their kid. PAC whatever number they are now football is great, because defense is something that goes up around the back yard pool. Even when 35 seconds remain, both teams have plenty of time to score at least twice. Pan to the song girls...Trojans
Florida at Tennessee- Tennessee is off to a good start and Flo-rida looks a bit shaky. (Btw, I had a couple of classes with Will Muschamp at UGA. He had the same hair.). This has all the makings for Derek Dooley to finally have a solid win behind him with "Rocky Top" playing in the background and Smokey baying on the sidelines. I'm supposed to pick the Vols but I gotta go with the reptiles in a squeaker.
ULM at Auburn-Look at ULM making sooey out of the Razorbacks. Normally I wouldn't pick a game with ULM but based on the fact that they knocked the #8 team out of the top 25, I want to give them their day in the sun.....just like a lizard. Will they knock out 2 SEC teams in 2 weeks? Mmmmm bop....I'll take Auburn
VA at GT-The Cavs managed to eek out an ugly win against Penn State last week. I bet they sent Penn State's kicker a gift card and a bottle of Arbor Mist after the game to thank him for all of those missed field goals and the extra point. GT beat Presbyterian which was misspelled on the ticker. Yeah, I'm a stickler for stuff like that on websites and news sources but not this blog. Jackets get the "W"
Navy at Penn State-Let's hope this doesn't come down to a field goal. Penn State should win this but I'm going to support the armed forces, even though I have no idea how they are playing this year. A few good men in a close one.
North Carolina at Louisville-Butch Davis really tried to put the dagger in the fuze-ball program at UNC. The Cards gained some traction under the notorious Petrino (I'm still waiting for his sit down with his wife on Real Sports. He will hold his wife's hand and talk about how hooking up with a 26 year old chick strengthened his marriage while Bryant Gumble looks disdainfully at him over his glasses). Louisville is now strong (ha) again thanks to a former Gator named Charlie. Actually, I think the gator in that cartoon Maizy is named Charlie as well. (My 2 year old loves Maizy and Charlie) Sorry, I digress. Are you kidding? This is a no-brainer. I'm taking anyone that plays in a stadium named after food. Papa Johns, baby.
I just realized that I probably should log in to my FF teams so I actually have a chance to post a victory. Pro picks up tomorrow. GO DAWGS!
On another note, I had this visual of what life would be like when my kids started school. I had visions of learning and laughter. That visual is not even close to the reality. It's really more like crying with a bad case of food poisoning while sitting on a chair filled with thumbtacks. It's similar to the friend of mine who romanticized mother hood and thought it would be like one of those images in the J Crew catalog. You know the ones I am referring to... A tall, lanky lady is standing in a field, with long lush tendrils wearing a crisp white shirt, while holding the hand of her cherubic child who is dressed in smocked dress with a daisy in her hair. What you can't see in the picture is the giant bird flying overhead that is about to massive and colossal crap on everyone. Enough of that. On to football...
I hate to brag but SHAZAAM! I got all 7 picks correct last week (take that Game Day) and I didn't pick the cupcakes. Actually, I would always love to pick a cupcake, but I'm just not ready to resign myself to a life in muumuus. As we all know, lightening doesn't strike twice unless you super glue your self to a metal pole in Oklahoma, so I'm prepared to miss big this week. However, the game quality this week is not exactly stellar artois, so coming up with 7 games was difficult.
Notre Dame at Michigan St-Did everyone hear? Notre Dame has joined the ACC but remains an independent with football and hockey. They should just go ahead and join the mediocrity of the ACC football. Someone told me Michigan State may be the best team in the Big 10. Wow. That's really saying nothing. However, I think Sparty will prevail against ND.
USC at Stanford-I saw an interview with Lane Kiffin the other day and the man doesn't look a day over 12. When he is sitting in the living room recruiting the high schoolers, the parents probably ask him when he will be old enough to get his learner's permit not realizing he's the coach there to bamboozle their kid. PAC whatever number they are now football is great, because defense is something that goes up around the back yard pool. Even when 35 seconds remain, both teams have plenty of time to score at least twice. Pan to the song girls...Trojans
Florida at Tennessee- Tennessee is off to a good start and Flo-rida looks a bit shaky. (Btw, I had a couple of classes with Will Muschamp at UGA. He had the same hair.). This has all the makings for Derek Dooley to finally have a solid win behind him with "Rocky Top" playing in the background and Smokey baying on the sidelines. I'm supposed to pick the Vols but I gotta go with the reptiles in a squeaker.
ULM at Auburn-Look at ULM making sooey out of the Razorbacks. Normally I wouldn't pick a game with ULM but based on the fact that they knocked the #8 team out of the top 25, I want to give them their day in the sun.....just like a lizard. Will they knock out 2 SEC teams in 2 weeks? Mmmmm bop....I'll take Auburn
VA at GT-The Cavs managed to eek out an ugly win against Penn State last week. I bet they sent Penn State's kicker a gift card and a bottle of Arbor Mist after the game to thank him for all of those missed field goals and the extra point. GT beat Presbyterian which was misspelled on the ticker. Yeah, I'm a stickler for stuff like that on websites and news sources but not this blog. Jackets get the "W"
Navy at Penn State-Let's hope this doesn't come down to a field goal. Penn State should win this but I'm going to support the armed forces, even though I have no idea how they are playing this year. A few good men in a close one.
North Carolina at Louisville-Butch Davis really tried to put the dagger in the fuze-ball program at UNC. The Cards gained some traction under the notorious Petrino (I'm still waiting for his sit down with his wife on Real Sports. He will hold his wife's hand and talk about how hooking up with a 26 year old chick strengthened his marriage while Bryant Gumble looks disdainfully at him over his glasses). Louisville is now strong (ha) again thanks to a former Gator named Charlie. Actually, I think the gator in that cartoon Maizy is named Charlie as well. (My 2 year old loves Maizy and Charlie) Sorry, I digress. Are you kidding? This is a no-brainer. I'm taking anyone that plays in a stadium named after food. Papa Johns, baby.
I just realized that I probably should log in to my FF teams so I actually have a chance to post a victory. Pro picks up tomorrow. GO DAWGS!
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
The Facts (not a football post-picks up tomorrow)
I would like to follow up on a previous story with a possible explanation as to why the pig died. Apparently, pigs can suffer from something called Porcine Stress Syndrome. It basically means they can drop dead from freight. Thanks goodness this doesn't happen to people, because I wouldn't have made it past the 6th grade when I was forced to audition for the school chorus. This woman was Simon Cowell before reality television became popular. I was shy to begin with so singing "Silver Bells" in front of 100 other kids at the audition put me on the verge of urinating on myself. It wasn't my idea of a good time.
As I've stated before, I try to stay away from any political or religious posts. Please note, that I certainly have my opinions about those topics, but I don't feel it's necessary for me to rant or post incessantly about how my beliefs are right. I respect and appreciate people's passion and beliefs, but you are probably wasting your time trying to convert me. I am many things, but dumb is not one those things. Nah, I would totally rather talk about football and Jessica Simpson. However, I am beginning to question the sanity of some people, particularly those who have felt it necessary to message or email me about the "real" facts. Please! I have my own facts.
1.) Christian Bale completely missed his chance with me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know he's happily married, but he didn't have to rush out years ago and marry Winona Ryder's former assistant when he could have had me. She's taller than he is and is frequently smiling. I've heard he's moody. Me too! You should see me when I haven't had my coffee or when someone tries to eat my granola. I loved him before he became mainstream and started starring in blockbuster movies I will never watch. Not that they aren't fabulous...
2.) As much as I respect and love DQ, I'm befuddled as to why they haven't created the ultimate blizzard known as the Almond Joy. How difficult can this be? We created phones with live video streams and have had people camp out at the moon but we can't create an Almond Joy Blizzard? They've had every other flavor so why can't they mix up some chocolate, almonds, and coconut? I could eat this at every meal. Granted, I would probably bear a striking resemblance to Jabba the Hut after a couple of months, but look at what a big star he became. Do they have an idea box? I used to say that I would give up my first born for this concoction. That's not exactly true. No, I would give up whoever last left an empty box in the cupboard or had shoved their socks between the cushions of the couch. Mmmmm.
3.) The inventors of Kids Bop are freaking brilliant. Seriously. They take every catchy song and remove any salacious or profane words. Skin becomes smile. Screwed becomes passed. Drink becomes think. The f word is replaced with kids bop. Why hasn't Hollywood discovered this brilliant trick? Paramount you! Universal you! No, they have to take the f word and replace it with" forget" for cable. Yeah, "forget you" is so frequently uttered in heated arguments.
4.) I finally feel like I make a contribution to society. Why just today the girl that sits in the office next to mine came over and asked if it was true that Mark Sanchez was stepping out with Eva Longoria. I couldn't reach over and dial Mark up on my red phone. No, while Mark hasn't shot me a text letting me know his dinner whereabouts nor has Eva extended an invitation to me to come play Scattergories, it was a topic I could discuss with enthusiasm. I even tossed in a bonus, unsolicited story about Aaron Rodgers' girlfriend and did my imitation of Marisa Tomei from "My Cousin Vinny." It was the least I could do. As I was writing this, I got a text asking for a link to some recent Prince Harry photos. Yes, I'm making bad dreams a reality.
5.) My idea of north is the sky and south is underground so I am impressed when people understand directions. When I'm lost, I still can't figure out why I turn down the radio in the car. It's not like someone is going to start shouting directions to me, so I should keep listening and follow the rainbow.
6.) After going to my husband's high school reunion, I feel pretty good about myself. I left with no delusions of being Giselle, but I certainly didn't feel bad about being a little older than these people. There was one guy I was positive was in his late 50s or at least on a billboard with the words, "Reward for information leading to his capture or arrest" under his photo. Nope, I actually saw people with foreheads larger than mine. Swagger, baby.
7.) Finally, the people who install the lighting in dressing rooms are sadists. They were the last kids picked on the kickball team and had notes stuck to their backs that said "kick me." We get it. This is your revenge but can't we call a truce?
Picks up tomorrow. As a special thank you to my readers, I give you a quote from One Direction because, "you light up my world like nobody else."
As I've stated before, I try to stay away from any political or religious posts. Please note, that I certainly have my opinions about those topics, but I don't feel it's necessary for me to rant or post incessantly about how my beliefs are right. I respect and appreciate people's passion and beliefs, but you are probably wasting your time trying to convert me. I am many things, but dumb is not one those things. Nah, I would totally rather talk about football and Jessica Simpson. However, I am beginning to question the sanity of some people, particularly those who have felt it necessary to message or email me about the "real" facts. Please! I have my own facts.
1.) Christian Bale completely missed his chance with me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know he's happily married, but he didn't have to rush out years ago and marry Winona Ryder's former assistant when he could have had me. She's taller than he is and is frequently smiling. I've heard he's moody. Me too! You should see me when I haven't had my coffee or when someone tries to eat my granola. I loved him before he became mainstream and started starring in blockbuster movies I will never watch. Not that they aren't fabulous...
2.) As much as I respect and love DQ, I'm befuddled as to why they haven't created the ultimate blizzard known as the Almond Joy. How difficult can this be? We created phones with live video streams and have had people camp out at the moon but we can't create an Almond Joy Blizzard? They've had every other flavor so why can't they mix up some chocolate, almonds, and coconut? I could eat this at every meal. Granted, I would probably bear a striking resemblance to Jabba the Hut after a couple of months, but look at what a big star he became. Do they have an idea box? I used to say that I would give up my first born for this concoction. That's not exactly true. No, I would give up whoever last left an empty box in the cupboard or had shoved their socks between the cushions of the couch. Mmmmm.
3.) The inventors of Kids Bop are freaking brilliant. Seriously. They take every catchy song and remove any salacious or profane words. Skin becomes smile. Screwed becomes passed. Drink becomes think. The f word is replaced with kids bop. Why hasn't Hollywood discovered this brilliant trick? Paramount you! Universal you! No, they have to take the f word and replace it with" forget" for cable. Yeah, "forget you" is so frequently uttered in heated arguments.
4.) I finally feel like I make a contribution to society. Why just today the girl that sits in the office next to mine came over and asked if it was true that Mark Sanchez was stepping out with Eva Longoria. I couldn't reach over and dial Mark up on my red phone. No, while Mark hasn't shot me a text letting me know his dinner whereabouts nor has Eva extended an invitation to me to come play Scattergories, it was a topic I could discuss with enthusiasm. I even tossed in a bonus, unsolicited story about Aaron Rodgers' girlfriend and did my imitation of Marisa Tomei from "My Cousin Vinny." It was the least I could do. As I was writing this, I got a text asking for a link to some recent Prince Harry photos. Yes, I'm making bad dreams a reality.
5.) My idea of north is the sky and south is underground so I am impressed when people understand directions. When I'm lost, I still can't figure out why I turn down the radio in the car. It's not like someone is going to start shouting directions to me, so I should keep listening and follow the rainbow.
6.) After going to my husband's high school reunion, I feel pretty good about myself. I left with no delusions of being Giselle, but I certainly didn't feel bad about being a little older than these people. There was one guy I was positive was in his late 50s or at least on a billboard with the words, "Reward for information leading to his capture or arrest" under his photo. Nope, I actually saw people with foreheads larger than mine. Swagger, baby.
7.) Finally, the people who install the lighting in dressing rooms are sadists. They were the last kids picked on the kickball team and had notes stuck to their backs that said "kick me." We get it. This is your revenge but can't we call a truce?
Picks up tomorrow. As a special thank you to my readers, I give you a quote from One Direction because, "you light up my world like nobody else."
Saturday, September 8, 2012
The N-F-L (and I'm not referring to my kids)
That was pretty crafty of me right? Yes, the first letter of my kid's names in birth order = NFL. I didn't plan that but it's worked out well. Before I get started, I just want to say that karma is at work. I loathe Phillip Rivers and somehow I scored him on one of my fantasy football teams entitled "Ben Nasty". Poop! But the pickings of the available QBs look slim and I'm gonna just say no to anyone QBs associated with the Dolphins, Cardinals, Browns and basically anyone named Matt with the exception to Schaub. And the Game Day peeps like Mizzou. GO DAWGS!
I'm sick of hearing about Bounty Gate and thankfully, Chad Ochocinco (is his name still that or did he change it back?) had his new reality show cancelled. Did you see the Cowboys versus the G-Men? Jessica Simpson's ex and now Chace Crawford's brother in law had a great game, but I'm still struggling with the fact that I'm a few years older than Dez Bryant's mom. And the incessant chatter about Jerry Jone's SIL wiping his glasses for him. That did get me thinking though..... If you are one of the Cowboys' stars, do you have to wipe Jerry Jones's butt when you lose? Maybe just his nose? Is that your punishment?
Falcons at the Chefs-No, that isn't a typo. Which Matt is the QB for the Chiefs? (Originally, I had typed OB and I guess that would come in handy if someone went into labor in the stands). Ah yes, this is the Cassel. The other 2 Matts that garnered such fanfare got PAID in the offseason and get to kick back, relax, and hopefully not sprain a finger holding the clipboard. Everyone is saying Chiefs have tons of talent and this is their year. Don't most NFL teams have talent? Isn't that why they are in the NFL? Julio Jones is looking good and should have a phat day. Falcons by 7
Colts at Bears-Some prognosticators think the Bears are going to the Super Bowl but I don't. Jay Cutler is a new dad and will be giving Kristen Cavallari big $$$$$ for the next 18 years if they don't get hitched. What am I saying? He's giving her big money regardles. Brian Urlacher and Jenny McCarthy broke up so perhaps he is focused. Doesn't matter. The Colts are rebuilding. Da Bears
Eagles at the Browns-Although I've never been a fan of Andy Reid, that man has the premium bamboozler because he scammed the Cards into taking Kolb. Nice move, Andy! I hope you got a lifetime supply of Girl Scout cookies with that deal. I would have demanded hand delivered blizzards at 3pm each day but that's me. Up the ante! The Browns have some nice pieces but they are the Browns. Vick gets dinged up easily but I say the Eagles fly.
Redskins at the Saints-Love RG111. Is this really where you want to go week 1? Allegedly Mike Shanahan challenges the staff and players on the Wonderlic. The Bounty Gate players have been reinstated, but I would pick the Saints whether they were or not.
Bills vs Jets-Did the Jets' offense score in the preseason? What a QB comparison you have with these 2 teams! Ryan Fitzpatrick graduated from Harvard and probably discusses the Pythagorean theorem in the offseason while Mark Sanchez is backstage at a Victoria's Secret fashion show. And then there is Tim Tebow. He is allegedly almost perfect and is capable of making Hannah Storm blush and probably has the cure to the hantavirus in his locker. I wonder if Antonio Cromartie buys charm bracelets for the mothers of his children? If so, he's keeping Tiffany in business. he may be more of Zales guy. I'm not sure either of these teams can score in the double digits. I like (what???? maybe I'm delusional??) the Bills in a boring, squeaker.
Seahawks vs Cardinals-Yeesh....Seahags....NEXT!
49ers at the Packers-Oh, it's the QBs in the same draft class. Alex Smith is married to a Raiders cheerleader? Does this lead to awkward dinner time conversations? Not a fan of either, but I like Jim Harbaugh and Patrick Willis. The Packers annoy me so perhaps this is wishful thinking. 49ers.
Rams vs Lions-Love, love Calvin Johnson and Matt Stafford. The Rams are crappy. Poor Steven Jackson. But they did score Jeff Fisher so that should put them in the right direction because they can't get much worse. Sam Bradford seems like a nice boy but I bet he gets Suh-ed. Lions
Chargers vs Raiders-Every year I hear this is the Chargers year. And every year I know it won't happen. As a matter of fact, if I was going to rewrite a Journey song for the Chargers, I would call it, "Stop Believing" But they are playing the Raiders who are notoriously unpredictable. I guess I have to hope Rivers has a good game, right? Chargers
And last, but not least...Bengals at the Ravens-Mmmmmm. Bengals were good last year and they have lots of former Bulldogs on their team. Not a fan of the Ravens, but like John Harbaugh and Ed Reed. Ravens
Peace out
I'm sick of hearing about Bounty Gate and thankfully, Chad Ochocinco (is his name still that or did he change it back?) had his new reality show cancelled. Did you see the Cowboys versus the G-Men? Jessica Simpson's ex and now Chace Crawford's brother in law had a great game, but I'm still struggling with the fact that I'm a few years older than Dez Bryant's mom. And the incessant chatter about Jerry Jone's SIL wiping his glasses for him. That did get me thinking though..... If you are one of the Cowboys' stars, do you have to wipe Jerry Jones's butt when you lose? Maybe just his nose? Is that your punishment?
Falcons at the Chefs-No, that isn't a typo. Which Matt is the QB for the Chiefs? (Originally, I had typed OB and I guess that would come in handy if someone went into labor in the stands). Ah yes, this is the Cassel. The other 2 Matts that garnered such fanfare got PAID in the offseason and get to kick back, relax, and hopefully not sprain a finger holding the clipboard. Everyone is saying Chiefs have tons of talent and this is their year. Don't most NFL teams have talent? Isn't that why they are in the NFL? Julio Jones is looking good and should have a phat day. Falcons by 7
Colts at Bears-Some prognosticators think the Bears are going to the Super Bowl but I don't. Jay Cutler is a new dad and will be giving Kristen Cavallari big $$$$$ for the next 18 years if they don't get hitched. What am I saying? He's giving her big money regardles. Brian Urlacher and Jenny McCarthy broke up so perhaps he is focused. Doesn't matter. The Colts are rebuilding. Da Bears
Eagles at the Browns-Although I've never been a fan of Andy Reid, that man has the premium bamboozler because he scammed the Cards into taking Kolb. Nice move, Andy! I hope you got a lifetime supply of Girl Scout cookies with that deal. I would have demanded hand delivered blizzards at 3pm each day but that's me. Up the ante! The Browns have some nice pieces but they are the Browns. Vick gets dinged up easily but I say the Eagles fly.
Redskins at the Saints-Love RG111. Is this really where you want to go week 1? Allegedly Mike Shanahan challenges the staff and players on the Wonderlic. The Bounty Gate players have been reinstated, but I would pick the Saints whether they were or not.
Bills vs Jets-Did the Jets' offense score in the preseason? What a QB comparison you have with these 2 teams! Ryan Fitzpatrick graduated from Harvard and probably discusses the Pythagorean theorem in the offseason while Mark Sanchez is backstage at a Victoria's Secret fashion show. And then there is Tim Tebow. He is allegedly almost perfect and is capable of making Hannah Storm blush and probably has the cure to the hantavirus in his locker. I wonder if Antonio Cromartie buys charm bracelets for the mothers of his children? If so, he's keeping Tiffany in business. he may be more of Zales guy. I'm not sure either of these teams can score in the double digits. I like (what???? maybe I'm delusional??) the Bills in a boring, squeaker.
Seahawks vs Cardinals-Yeesh....Seahags....NEXT!
49ers at the Packers-Oh, it's the QBs in the same draft class. Alex Smith is married to a Raiders cheerleader? Does this lead to awkward dinner time conversations? Not a fan of either, but I like Jim Harbaugh and Patrick Willis. The Packers annoy me so perhaps this is wishful thinking. 49ers.
Rams vs Lions-Love, love Calvin Johnson and Matt Stafford. The Rams are crappy. Poor Steven Jackson. But they did score Jeff Fisher so that should put them in the right direction because they can't get much worse. Sam Bradford seems like a nice boy but I bet he gets Suh-ed. Lions
Chargers vs Raiders-Every year I hear this is the Chargers year. And every year I know it won't happen. As a matter of fact, if I was going to rewrite a Journey song for the Chargers, I would call it, "Stop Believing" But they are playing the Raiders who are notoriously unpredictable. I guess I have to hope Rivers has a good game, right? Chargers
And last, but not least...Bengals at the Ravens-Mmmmmm. Bengals were good last year and they have lots of former Bulldogs on their team. Not a fan of the Ravens, but like John Harbaugh and Ed Reed. Ravens
Peace out
Thursday, September 6, 2012
Pigs & Football
I missed only one game last week. Thanks Boise State for wetting the bed! I'm watching this dreadful Pitt vs Cincy game but I am so impressed by this Munchie guy's name. What is Munchie short for? Munchimillion? Munchley? Munchabunch? Pitt should have called ESPN and begged them to not air them on Thursday due to last week's debacle against the Youngstown State Penguins. Penguins are so frequently found in Ohio. Anyway, here we go......
Nebraska at UCLA-Yawn. Jim Mora Jr. is attempting to bring sexy back to UCLA. If you look up boring in the dictionary, there is a picture of a cornhusker. Survey says! I'll go against the expected and take UCLA in an upset.
Florida at Texas A&M-Florida looked a bit shaky against Bowling Green. The 12th man will be all excited about Gameday being in da house and the cow bells will be ringing. I should say the gators take a chomp out this buzz in College Station in a squeaker. Maybe I should say A&M? No, they always lose when I pick them. Gators.
Washington vs LSU-I so love huskies. I had a rescue husky for years (R.I.P Puptart). The Huskies will be no match for the Tigers. The buzz has been on the Honeybadger and he isn't even playing. But he will next year....LSU big.
Miss State vs Auburn-Auburn lost a closie to Clemson. Speaking of Clemson, their top recruit's mom is mad and talking to the press. When these crazy moms start talking about how unhappy they are with their son's playing time, I wanted to hand them a block of cheese to go with their whine. Gene Chizik reminds me of a televangelist and this is not a positive. I love MS's mascot. Mullen & Associates by 3.
Penn State versus Virginia-So Penn State lost to a team from Ohio last week in their opener. It wouldn't have been so bad if there was a "State" after the Ohio part. The stadium will be filled with girls named Khaki and Mary Katherine and guys with names like Tripps and Boog. I hate to be so cavalier about this one (ha) but I say UVA in a low scoring, NyQuil kind of game.
Purdue vs Notre Dame-If Notre Dame wins, Lou Holtz will start spitting out that a trip to a BCS game is in the cards. Pass me a bib, Lou. Purdue hasn't been the same since Drew Brees left. I think the luck is on the side of the Irish for this one. ND
UGA vs Mizzou-First off, I totally and completely forgot that UGA lost to Colorado a couple of years ago and Colorado fired the coach at the end of the season because they were such a horrible team. YIKES! The defense looked suspect against Buffalo, a perpetually pathetic team. However, maybe Murray & Gurley were saving up to make a big splash in the show me state? I say the Dawgs in a nail biter in the show me state.
Please note, that it is entirely possible that I miss all 7 of these games. And I'm okay with that. Couple this with the multitude of typos and grammatical errors, and I've got swagger. Peace out!
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