Merry whatever you do or don't celebrate! I realized today that I should just do my own version of that holiday classic "Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer" and switch it up to " Mommy Stepped Out In Front of Reindeer Coming Full Throttle At Her With A Sleigh Made of Steel." Too violent?
We are all ready for Santa. As I write this, I'm enjoying a nice tall glass of mercury. We have 2 substantial pieces of peanut butter cake and hummingbird cake out for his culinary enjoyment and a large glass of chocolate milk. I'm sure Santa would prefer a shot of tequila (what am I saying? Old boy wants the economy size bottle) but it's not happening this year. The tequila would just give him a headache. I did do Santa a solid by eating the frosting off of his cake. Didn't want the sugar to slow him down. He can thank me for saving him some empty calories by sending cash or a 97 year old man looking for an heir to his fortune. I kid!
The kids asked me today what I thought Ms. Claus did. I said that I can assure you Ms. Claus is totally running that operation, managing the Quik books and the elves schedule on the shared Google calendars. In addition to that, I'm sure she does the laundry, cleans the house, feeds the reindeer, and dispenses love advice to the reindeer and elves. Her job is never done. I'm sure she is texting Santa as we speak to remind him to remember to wipe his feet before he slides down the chimney and to CLOSE the door when he has to enter the house that way. Nope. Mrs. Claus is not propped up on the chaise watching "The Real Elf Wives of the North Pole." She probably told Rudolph right before take off that he will one day meet a reindeer that appreciates his beguiling charm and sparkly nose. She told Dasher not to hate the player, hate the game. Mrs. Claus is working it.
I'm running low on clever and wit so I'll give you my version of the 12 Days of Christmas along with my letter to Santa.
Dear Santa ,
You know I'm totally low maintenance but maybe I could have a smidge more fun in 2015? Ya know? Can't hurt to ask.
Love, Me
No one cares about the lords a leaping because someone probably tore an ACL in a celebration dance and gold rings are so 1987. The maids a milking? The French hens? They are probably discussing how obnoxious Americans are merci beau coup. No. I'll give you the random, suburban version.
12 Socks Not Matching
11 book reports unreported
10 bins of toys a dumped
9 naked cupcakes (I ate the frosting)
8 bells a hidden (whistles and bells must be hidden from the little peeps)
7 hours of Disney Jr
6 expletives whispered
5 hours of fighting
4 Legos leave you limping
3 screaming kids
2 pets a hiding
And a mom with a goblet who wants a reality show. Really. Why not?
Happy holidays! This was all written on my phone. Enjoy the typos and the enemy known as autocorrect.
Wednesday, December 24, 2014
Tuesday, December 9, 2014
Oh this birthday eve......
I give you Leonardo DiCaprio, who left a club with not 1, not 2, not even 5 women. Old boy shattered the infamous black book and left with 20 models. What is Leo doing??? Slaying it!!!! (A term that makes me laugh out loud anytime I say or type it). Why yes that is 16 year old boy humor.
So, tomorrow I will be another year older. Another year wiser (that's actually subject to opinion). Another year... Well. Alive. Living. Happily living. And that my friends IS a wonderful thing.
Here's the abbreviated version of what happened since my last birthday for those of you who missed the Lifetime Movie version starring Jennie Garth. Ready????
Attempted to train then 3 yr old to poop on potty. Got trendy license plate. 2 weeks later totaled car so trendy license plate was deemed useless. Laugh hysterically. Got hybrid. Feel like bad a$$ being able to drive to Quebec on one tank of gas. Ok that's a stretch. Got an extra closet due to divorce. Hails to the yeah said my shoe collection! Took kids to Disney. Laugh hysterically. Have great respect for Animal Kingdom as they do it up right by offering a RhinoRita. Was overwhelmed by generosity and kindness on said trip. Felt the extended family needed to be water boarded and took family vacation to Dollywood. 4 yr old old has epic breakdown in candy store. Dr. Phil not available. Heat wave that week. Rode roller coasters. Did not puke. Attempt to train now 4 year old to poop on toilet. Come home from vacation to a dark green pool. Take selfie with the Loch Ness monster. Cat brings me dead snake. Laugh hysterically. Decide I must go on another vacation. Take kids back to Dollywood because I have season pass and I will get money's worth even if we all need to be institutionalized. Only cry once during trip because it's a waste of energy and my mascara is not waterproof. . Laugh hysterically. Kids start back to school. Survive science project. Tell 4 yr old he can go to kindergarten if he poops in potty. He gives me 2 finger salute. Survive book reports. Have blow out on highway during rush hour. Rescued by very nice gang members. Cat brings me dead squirrel. UGA loses to USC. Sigh. Cat brings me dead mouse. Manage not to pull hair out living with preteen girl. Boy Scouts start back. Boy Scout mothers still give me the eye. Laugh hysterically. Catch up with old friends. New friends offer support. I remind friends not to remind me of some of things I do and say at this juncture in my life. Have baby with Ryan Gosling. Oops. That was Eva Mendes. UGA loses to Florida. Watch season 7 of Curious George. Am starting to look forward to next episode. Wonder if Christian Bale would play Man in the Yellow Hat should this come to the big screen. Cat brings me dead wood pecker. Realize it's December. Sing along with crowd in Kohls to that Taylor Swift song. Wonder why I didn't end up on Broadway. 4 year old still pooping in pants. Am wondering if I should buy stock in Febreeze. Decide I'm going to get myself cake AND 2 flavors of ice cream for my birthday. Let kids help but I make final decision. Why? Because I can. And I got a hazelnut cream cake with cream cheese frosting. YAY!
There ya go. The year in a nutshell. Best presents are my 3 kids, my dog, cat, family and wonderful friends. I swear I'm sashaying my way to normal. Whatever that is. The sashay and you know....normal.
Yep. Happy Birthday to me! I'm thankful for another day and I WILL enjoy it.
Xoxo
So, tomorrow I will be another year older. Another year wiser (that's actually subject to opinion). Another year... Well. Alive. Living. Happily living. And that my friends IS a wonderful thing.
Here's the abbreviated version of what happened since my last birthday for those of you who missed the Lifetime Movie version starring Jennie Garth. Ready????
Attempted to train then 3 yr old to poop on potty. Got trendy license plate. 2 weeks later totaled car so trendy license plate was deemed useless. Laugh hysterically. Got hybrid. Feel like bad a$$ being able to drive to Quebec on one tank of gas. Ok that's a stretch. Got an extra closet due to divorce. Hails to the yeah said my shoe collection! Took kids to Disney. Laugh hysterically. Have great respect for Animal Kingdom as they do it up right by offering a RhinoRita. Was overwhelmed by generosity and kindness on said trip. Felt the extended family needed to be water boarded and took family vacation to Dollywood. 4 yr old old has epic breakdown in candy store. Dr. Phil not available. Heat wave that week. Rode roller coasters. Did not puke. Attempt to train now 4 year old to poop on toilet. Come home from vacation to a dark green pool. Take selfie with the Loch Ness monster. Cat brings me dead snake. Laugh hysterically. Decide I must go on another vacation. Take kids back to Dollywood because I have season pass and I will get money's worth even if we all need to be institutionalized. Only cry once during trip because it's a waste of energy and my mascara is not waterproof. . Laugh hysterically. Kids start back to school. Survive science project. Tell 4 yr old he can go to kindergarten if he poops in potty. He gives me 2 finger salute. Survive book reports. Have blow out on highway during rush hour. Rescued by very nice gang members. Cat brings me dead squirrel. UGA loses to USC. Sigh. Cat brings me dead mouse. Manage not to pull hair out living with preteen girl. Boy Scouts start back. Boy Scout mothers still give me the eye. Laugh hysterically. Catch up with old friends. New friends offer support. I remind friends not to remind me of some of things I do and say at this juncture in my life. Have baby with Ryan Gosling. Oops. That was Eva Mendes. UGA loses to Florida. Watch season 7 of Curious George. Am starting to look forward to next episode. Wonder if Christian Bale would play Man in the Yellow Hat should this come to the big screen. Cat brings me dead wood pecker. Realize it's December. Sing along with crowd in Kohls to that Taylor Swift song. Wonder why I didn't end up on Broadway. 4 year old still pooping in pants. Am wondering if I should buy stock in Febreeze. Decide I'm going to get myself cake AND 2 flavors of ice cream for my birthday. Let kids help but I make final decision. Why? Because I can. And I got a hazelnut cream cake with cream cheese frosting. YAY!
There ya go. The year in a nutshell. Best presents are my 3 kids, my dog, cat, family and wonderful friends. I swear I'm sashaying my way to normal. Whatever that is. The sashay and you know....normal.
Yep. Happy Birthday to me! I'm thankful for another day and I WILL enjoy it.
Xoxo
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