Television

I always hear peeps talk about "shows" they must watch. It is well documented that I don't watch much tv because what little I see is not impressive. I realize that makes me sound like a snobby wench but I guess 90% of the time I prefer to read. Pass me the pocket protector. I am a nerd.  Let's break down a few shows I do watch from time to time.

"House Hunters"- I only watch this show because I like to try to guess which house they will pick. Who are these folks? Does anyone else notice that these couples always have interesting occupations that don't match up with income? You know. John is a part time mime and aspiring professional ukulele player and Kate works in a snow cone shop 3 days a week.  Kate is starting  a new potentially very lucrative business where she will sell knitted sweaters for orphaned pigeons. They always have a budget of $950k and they achieved this by saving their birthday money and living with their parents for a month. Why haven't I been getting birthday presents like this?? I know how to make snow cones. The kitchen MUST have granite countertops or apparently the couple will immediately die of a heart attack upon seeing no granite countertops that some houses have. The real estate agent showing them the houses is trained in CPR to resuscitate them from unsightly living conditions such as (GASP) carpet!!!! A single sink in the bathroom!!! The horror!!!  No crown molding???? Why don't you just ask John and Kate to digest shards of shredded glass and eat non organic bananas???  And they MUST have a huge area for entertaining because mimes are known for their wild parties and Kate needs space to prepare the snow cones. And a large yard for the tulip growing business they are about to launch, once Kate can cut down her hours at the snow cone shop.

"My 600 Pound Live" I LOVE this show. On a serious note, I do feel for these individuals as I believe they are fighting addiction and a mental illness. On a humorous note, many of these people are extremely innovative. One had a trolley built to deliver donuts to their room. I just gained 3 pounds tying the word "donut."  Eating one? I have to purchase larger jeans. Many have attached deep fryers to their bed. And sometimes they eat things I haven't thought of. Deep frying a Dorito, cheese and French fry sandwich? Dip that in Zaxby's sauce and BAM!!! And they drop pounds a week by walking to the mailbox!!! And so many of these women get divorced and find love at 700 pounds.


"Dateline"/"Deadly Women"/"48 Hours Hard Evidence"- Essentially the ID network. Folks, here is a common sentiment amongst these shows. It probably looks bad to purchase a life insurance policy on someone 3 days before your honeymoon. And went you went "diving"  and only one of you came back-the one that took out the policy...well. Nope. Even my 7 year old says "they always poison them or want the life insurance policy, Mommy." If the 1st grader can figure it out, then you probably look suspicious. Then you have the folks with IQs hovering around freezing who "hire" someone to take out their spouse/ex/etc. And payment ranges anywhere from a slice of Papa John's to a $100 giftcard to Cracker Barrel. The peeps that hire these stealthy individuals are always shocked when the hired killers talk to the authorities. Stop. You could have at least tossed in some Samoas.

"Hoarders"- I have no idea if this show is on but I used to watch. I don't know if this is product placement but I always found it interesting that all of these people had a large bottle of Febreeze stacked on top of the plastic bags of poop and urine they had been saving for the last 18 months because they turned their water off. Yes, I know this is a mental illness but saving fecal matter is hard core. Meanwhile, a family of rats scurried across the kitchen counter as the person could not let go of that case of cream cheese they bought in 1996.

Football-It really is the best time of year. Sadly, it doesn't last long enough so the NFL draft covers some gaps. What more do I say on this?

I'm sure many of you heard that a portion of I-85 collapsed here in the ATL. I heard on the radio they were recommending that you give yourself 6-8 times the amount of time to get somewhere. Essentially, if you have a meeting at 9am on Tuesday, you should be set if you leave by noon on Saturday.

Love, hugs and kisses.

Cliches

Who doesn't love a good cliché? One of my all time favorite's is the ever popular, "It's not you-it's me." Let's be realistic. Sometimes it IS them. I mean, what if Kermit said that to Miss Piggy? Maybe he never saw himself dating a pig. Maybe he always saw himself with a fellow frog.  Maybe they could never agree on vacation plans because Miss Piggy might want a nice spa visit with a mud bath whereas Kermit might want to spend his time at a lake. Dietary challenges? Could Kermit in good faith eat a BLT sandwich in front of Miss Piggy? I don't know. Let's break down some of my favorite clichés.

"It is what it is." This is absolutely 100% factual and I say this one all of the time. However, if it wasn't what it is, then what would it be? Can we ask Miss Cleo? (RIP). Does Dionne Warwick still have the Psychic Friends hotline?

"Get back on the horse." Did we all become cowboys? Is your name Cody or Wyatt? Where are all of these horse riders? They aren't on I-85, that's fo sho. This mode of transportation is rather obsolete so we should all take this one with a grain of salt.

"It's like riding a bike." I am the outlier on this one. Blah, blah, blah. I don't know how to ride a bike so this is not applicable to me. And before you ask, yes, I know how to swim. I have no idea why biking and swimming go hand in hand except in triathlons.

"Dig deeper." I have found that people actually use this as a business strategy.  What? Seriously? What happens if you are at your colon? Where do you go? And best of all, what does it even mean? Do we all have secret shovels attached to our pants? Maybe I should attach a mini shovel to my 7 year old's Ninja Turtle shell he wears around the house.

"We don't always get what we want." No kidding. I think most of learned this around age 2, so the fact that we feel it necessary to drive this home at times is laughable.

"We get what we deserve." Is there some secret online entity monitoring everyone's behavior that is doling out appropriate "deserved-ness" which is not to be confused with dessert? What exactly do we deserve? I believe in karma and I believe we should do the right thing and be kind people. However, when my daughter leaves one inch of water on the bathroom floor, do I deserve wet socks and the fact that I practically dislocate a hip to avoid sliding into the shower head first? I just came in to use the restroom. In the words of the Pet Shop Boys, "What Have I Done to Deserve This?"

"It's not fair." Where are these "fairness" police? As I was telling my niece at Christmas, life isn't "fair" (whatever that means). I gave her the cookie example. Her dad and I each get 4 cookies. We both eat 4 cookies. He loses 3 pounds after eating said cookies while I gain 6 lbs. Is this fair? I don't know. I mean, we both got 4 cookies so it was equal but the consequences did not feel "fair." Howevs, we had equal cookies to the Samoas distribution was impartial and equal. The fat distribution was hateful and biased towards me. But it is what it is, right?

No pic today. I changed my mind. Flowers in bloom.  My hair is insane. I call it the Georgia humidity super style.

Men, Women, and Cookies

In theory, this all sounds lovely. Although this probably should say, "All We Need Is Love And Frosting." This candle is in my kitchen. Confession, I am sucker for anything named after food. My kitchen is painted bread basket because I was hungry when I bought the paint. My hair was once colored caramel latte because it sounded delectable. I always smell like coconut. I just drooled when I typed that-not because I smell so divine but rather because I love coconut. Anyway, the reality is we probably do need more than love and cake. We all can use a good hair day. A shirt that makes us feel swaggy. A pet that loves us unconditionally and trips us as we walk into the bathroom. Love is elusive for some folks, right? Or maybe they just don't know what to look for?

One of my absolute favorite conversations/debates to have with folks is the differences between men and women when it comes to relationships. Obviously, I am not a male but EVEN I admit that women can be delusional. I frequently hear women try to apply "women speak" to men. What does it mean when he says he doesn't want to get married? What does it mean when he says he doesn't want to settle down? 99% of the time, if you listen to a group of women having this conversation, then you will hear all kinds of crazy talk. "He's afraid of his feelings." What?? Are they going to go Michael Myers on him? Nope. "He's been hurt." Key up Mrs. Blockhead. Mwak, mwak, mwak. After the age of 3, we've all had our feelings hurt. I'm no relationship expert but I am going to dispense some free advice. If he says he doesn't want to get married it means one of two things...Ready? Either he doesn't want to get married or he doesn't want to marry you. THE END. And really, if he doesn't want to do those things with you, it would never work in the first place, right? Oh, I know. He is a special unicorn and this situation is different. I know. I know. I do. I LOVE having these conversations with my ex MIL, ex BIL, BF, and BFF. Look at all of those acronyms!!!! I read the urban dictionary. I kid. You see, I am a weird unicorn.

Eva Mendes once said the number one cause of breakups is sweatpants. Why am I quoting Eva Mendes? A) She is beautiful and B) Girl scored Ryan Gosling. She has cred. Cha-ching! And you know what? She may have a point. Oh sweatpants aren't the "reason" for breakups. However, they certainly can be a contributing factor. Allegedly, men get upset when women get all fancy with their friends but pull out their "Margarita Fest 1998" sweatshirt when he comes over. I am lucky because I really only have a couple of friends so this limits my abilities to participate in such activities. I, too, have a pair of sweatpants that are absolutely hideous. The bottoms are ripped and they have a huge streak of paint on the butt. Mariah Carey would never wear such a garment. My 12 year old daughter loves ALL of my clothes. One day, she asked if I had a pair of black sweatpants she could borrow. I offered "the" pants,  and she looked horrified, as if I had said  5 Seconds of Summer had broken up. "Uh, no Mommy. I will find some other pants." I decided after I got divorced to ditch all sweatpants except for my UGA sweatpants and my faded, painted, black sweatpants. And then I realized I was always cold. So I was gifted some fleece sweatpants with paw prints on them.

After that lengthy dissertation, my point is that frequently women don't listen. Oh, I know. Men don't either. But when women say, "Why did he stay when I told him I wanted to get married and he said he didn't want to?" Because he could. By you staying, he thought you were fine with it. That whole actions speaks louder than words jargon.

More on this topic later. For the record, it's time to crack out all of my favorite boho shirts. I've been boho since 197something. I LOVE this shirt but for some reason, retailers think you want some eyelet across your stomach. No. I could do with out and the rest of the world could do without seeing me sport it. Here is today's selfie outside the garage.  I look tired (what's new?) but it's about the shirt. The navy matches the dark circles under my eyes.

I totally missed writing about mindless garbage. It's fun to do this again.

The Selfie

I should be 100% ashamed to admit that I cannot a) find the new blog I started or b) remember the info. And I wanted to start fresh which is why I started the last blog. And it's so fresh that now I can't find it. Argh!!! I digress. So I came back here until I finish the real site....Don't everyone hold your breath. I can't go to THAT many funerals.

Have you read those articles that say people who take selfies are raging narcissists? Aren't we kind of a narcissistic culture with an incessant need for validation and instant gratification? Confession time. I troll peeps on FB (those public folks) that post photos for the parched peeps (aka the "thirsties"  and need validation. I will see girls posting pics in their bathing suits....some look fab..some look good...some look more like me. And the comments!!! "Dizzam. You are sexy! Inbox me!" But what I am super impressed by are those women with total body confidence. They just look so comfortable with themselves. Whether they are tall, skinny, chubby, short....I really give it to those girls because that is NOT something I have. Oh I do about 8% of the time. It's like when I am having a good hair day. I have swag!!!! Look, we all like to feel good. And I love to give compliments. I am THAT person. I will stop someone and say, "you have beautiful hair!" or "that color looks awesome on you." Howevs, I am extremely uncomfortable receiving them. Google that. I know why that is but for the most part they make me feel weird.

However, I LOVE the selfie. Why? Because I always wonder what I look like. For example, I gave a presentation to about 20 peeps the other week and my pants were unzipped the entire time. That was not intentional. And then another day, I was out and had handprints on my butt. Again, I wasn't trying to make a fashion statement. And then there are all of the faces my dermatologist says I MUST stop making. After 40 plus years???? What are they expecting? I also embrace the selfie because I assume a few years I will look back and think sista didn't look so wretched. Just like I look back to my 20s when I thought I was fat (hahaha). Now granted, when I post selfies, some folks people may be thinking, "old girl needs to slow her roll" or "she looks like a bag of cotton candy (fluffy and why I don't do pastels!!!)". I finally realized a few years ago that people think what they think. So, I am going to post a bunch of selfies and why I took them. All are unfiltered except for one. Not because I don't need filters, but because I try to be authentic.

I like to capture sweet times. Here is me and the polar fleece dog.

I bought this dress several years ago for a meeting for $9. I tried it on a few weeks ago. It looks like a prom dress and we all know I did not go to prom.

I am weird about my curls. I hate frizz which I have about 90% of the time but I had a superb hair day the other day and shazzam was I capturing the side.

Wanna know what I look like while writing this blog? Yeah, I don't expect In Style to ask for my beauty secrets. I LOVE off the shoulder shirts. Girls just wanna have fun (I hate that song).

I had soooooo much fun with my bestie at ACDC. So I had to capture me waiting for her slow booty to get there.

I ran to sit in the hammock chair. Made it!! Why was this captured? Because I missed the time before and almost knocked myself unconscious. I crack myself up.

This photo has a filter but I didn't take it. If I was edgy, like that chick who was the lead singer of the Divinyls (may she RIP) I would want my album (yes, I am showing my vintage age) cover to look like this. Except, I kind of ended up looking cross eyed. I'm looking at you. No you. Not the other way.  Like one of those attractions at the Ripley's Believe it or Not attraction. So much for sultry.

I had a date. I needed approval for the outfit so I sent this to Momo. I loved that shirt. Too bad it got stuck in something and inadvertently went in the dryer. Now, it is like a crop top. All together now......NOPE!!!

And I cannot believe I am posting this but I would post on Amazon so I will post here. I read Amazon reviews and I love looking at the photos. So when I got my $12 swimsuit, then I was going to post a faceless photo to show peeps what a real person looked like in a retro swimsuit.

OMG. Sadly there is no filter. I cannot believe I am posting a swimsuit pic. Is there a skinny filter? Nope, I am only posting this because I am GREEN with envy with those women with body confidence. Whether they weigh 100 or 300, I love it when peeps feel good about the way they look. This is not the body of a woman who crossfits or trains for marathons. Oh I work out at least 4 times a week but I think we can unanimously agree that Kate Upton is not worried about me replacing her. This is the body of a middle aged woman who had 3 sections and ate 5 fun size almond Snickers bars today. This is the body of a woman who thought Skittles were considered fruit for years. I've totally matured. Now I think mimosas are fruit. This is the body of a woman who thought she was chubby at 108. Would you like to know the last time I saw 108? It was on my receipt at the grocery store. Oh weight wise? Eh, 22? I should not admit this but I learned the hand on hip pose from an interview I read about Paris Hilton. That may be the most shameful thing yet that I took advice from Paris Hilton. So, fat shame me. Old shame me. I have to learn to fully embrace me. Isn't that what living is?

Getting there......As my kids say, don't hate the player-hate the game. Might as well enjoy the game. Cheers!