Who would have thought that naming your child would have been such a tedious and demanding process? A friend of mine is going to be a grandmother 3 times over within a 3 week period late summer. But like most people, the expectant parents are trying to find the appropriate moniker. The key is to find a name that is easy to pronounce but is unique to your child. You also have to think about how the name grows with your child. For example, Blueberry Muffin Crumbcake may sound cute as a toddler, but would you take that person seriously as a grown up? What if Blueberry becomes a doctor? Does Dr. Crumbcake sound like a respected physician or does that sound like the latest concoction from Starbucks? What if Blueberry marries someone with the last name Fields or Kupps? Seriously, everyone says you must consider these things.
When I was pregnant with my oldest , we liked the name Olive for a girl. "That is a terrible name," said one acquaintance. "Didn't she star in that reindeer movie with Rudolf?' was another comment. Perhaps my Olive would have cinematic aspirations? Could I retire early?Would my Olive be a breakout star on Nickelodeon and escape the childhood star curse? Perhaps Olive would be a prodigy and attend law school at age 9. Apparently the name Olive has become somewhat hip because Sasha Baron Cohen and Isla Fisher now have an Olive in their lives.
We discovered that baby would be a boy. The boy name we selected was Nile, which sounded cool, simple, yet hip. Then well meaning friends starting adding an 's" on the end. Maybe it's a southern thing...like when "window" becomes "winders". Then they started referencing a Kelsey Grammer show and I realized it was back to the drawing board. Lennox? No, the last name was Wilkes so what if he had a lisp. Neville? What if other kids called him "Neville the Devil?" No, I couldn't have any name that made me think about the movie the Omen. So we decided on Nigel which seemed different but easy to pronounce. Apparently, it is also one of the characters on the Rugrats. Really? You just can't win.
So my advice is to name your child whatever you want. Everyone will find fault with it and have suggestions of why or why you shouldn't name your kid Four Wheel Drive. It's good to be different. Do what makes you happy and remember that a name is just that...a name.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Things Never to Say to a Mother
1.) "You look tired. " I am tired. Are you offering up free botox or juvederm to make me look rested? How about a day at the spa with a massage? Will Sally Hershberger do my hair?
2.) "You should cook more." Contact Mario Batali and his crocs if you want a chef. I do cook. Microwave popcorn has to be cooked to be truly edible and our coffee pot rocks!
3.) "You should rest more." Uh huh. Where is Jack and those magic beans? As soon as that magic fairy comes in to do the laundry, wash the dishes, and mop the floor I will be happy to take that advice. If I take that advice, A&E will be outside the house filming their next reality program.
4.) "Do that later." If you do everything "later", then the "To Do List" becomes a "Wish I Had Time to Do List" or "Must Do List So the Kids Have Pants Without Dirt or Mustard on Them List", or a "I Need A Cocktail Because I Am Overwhelmed and Just Give Up List."
5.) "Are You Expecting?" You better have seen a sonogram picture and even then it's dangerous. What if it is post birth? Just don't say anything to incriminate yourself further. People remember things like this and are less forgiving when you are insinuating they have a fat butt..or belly.
2.) "You should cook more." Contact Mario Batali and his crocs if you want a chef. I do cook. Microwave popcorn has to be cooked to be truly edible and our coffee pot rocks!
3.) "You should rest more." Uh huh. Where is Jack and those magic beans? As soon as that magic fairy comes in to do the laundry, wash the dishes, and mop the floor I will be happy to take that advice. If I take that advice, A&E will be outside the house filming their next reality program.
4.) "Do that later." If you do everything "later", then the "To Do List" becomes a "Wish I Had Time to Do List" or "Must Do List So the Kids Have Pants Without Dirt or Mustard on Them List", or a "I Need A Cocktail Because I Am Overwhelmed and Just Give Up List."
5.) "Are You Expecting?" You better have seen a sonogram picture and even then it's dangerous. What if it is post birth? Just don't say anything to incriminate yourself further. People remember things like this and are less forgiving when you are insinuating they have a fat butt..or belly.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Before FB.....
We live in a culture that is instantaneous. Everything should have happened yesterday. They have self checkout lanes at the grocery store so you can only blame yourself if it takes too long to bag the groceries. Gosh, I even saw a sign the other day that said, "Text the ER to let them know what your injury is." Really? The ER? Does this mean someone is sitting behind the registration desk reading texts that probably range from, "Ate Aunt Edna's meatloaf and think I just threw up my pancreas" to "accidentally ran over my foot with the razor...can you save my favorite pair of boots?"
As I tell my kids, there was a time when you didn't have the capability of posting, "Just finished my 8th load of laundry. Drinking Diet Coke and breaking up an argument on whether to watch iCarly or Handy Manny. Wish the cat would stop shredding the toilet tissue." That's right. You either had to email someone, call someone, or (GASP!!!) write them a letter. And that 3rd choice is a diminishing occurrence. Just ask the US Postal Service as they are losing their booty. Even Santa accepts email. (Note to self, surely Santa has a substantial fan page so I must check that out soon.) Will the Easter Bunny be tweeting "Decorating eggs. Wish kids would leave cookies and milk for me?"Is the Easter Bunny following Charlie Sheen? Will he be "winning" the egg hunt?
Are our lives that exciting? I can't find my glasses right now so I am wearing a pair from about 3 prescriptions ago. Thru this pair, the dog resembles more of a grisly bear and the sky high laundry looks more like modern art. I have looked everywhere for my glasses. I even checked the dishwasher because I have been know to sleepwalk now and then. I checked the kids usual hiding places (between the couch cushions) and have only located some mismatched socks, a glitter pen, a plastic polar bear, a couple of legoes, a pair of Barbie shoes, and a clothes pin. Should I be tweeting, "Can't find glasses. Need suggestions of where to look?" Am I not utilizing all resources in this quest for my glasses?
Supposedly FB has played a key role in breaking up many relationships. The teenagers post their status as "in a relationship" the minute they start dating. Isn't that stressful maintaining the relationship and making sure your status updates are accurate I'm just happy that wasn't part of my life in college....UGH! But it IS fun. And we all need a little fun in our hectic lives.
I wonder if David Beckham will accept my friend request? Until next time....
As I tell my kids, there was a time when you didn't have the capability of posting, "Just finished my 8th load of laundry. Drinking Diet Coke and breaking up an argument on whether to watch iCarly or Handy Manny. Wish the cat would stop shredding the toilet tissue." That's right. You either had to email someone, call someone, or (GASP!!!) write them a letter. And that 3rd choice is a diminishing occurrence. Just ask the US Postal Service as they are losing their booty. Even Santa accepts email. (Note to self, surely Santa has a substantial fan page so I must check that out soon.) Will the Easter Bunny be tweeting "Decorating eggs. Wish kids would leave cookies and milk for me?"Is the Easter Bunny following Charlie Sheen? Will he be "winning" the egg hunt?
Are our lives that exciting? I can't find my glasses right now so I am wearing a pair from about 3 prescriptions ago. Thru this pair, the dog resembles more of a grisly bear and the sky high laundry looks more like modern art. I have looked everywhere for my glasses. I even checked the dishwasher because I have been know to sleepwalk now and then. I checked the kids usual hiding places (between the couch cushions) and have only located some mismatched socks, a glitter pen, a plastic polar bear, a couple of legoes, a pair of Barbie shoes, and a clothes pin. Should I be tweeting, "Can't find glasses. Need suggestions of where to look?" Am I not utilizing all resources in this quest for my glasses?
Supposedly FB has played a key role in breaking up many relationships. The teenagers post their status as "in a relationship" the minute they start dating. Isn't that stressful maintaining the relationship and making sure your status updates are accurate I'm just happy that wasn't part of my life in college....UGH! But it IS fun. And we all need a little fun in our hectic lives.
I wonder if David Beckham will accept my friend request? Until next time....
Monday, March 14, 2011
Let me decide what I want to eat
Did you guys hear? Say au revoir to Captain Crunch...something about it didn't meet federal regulations of being nutritionally sound or something of the sorts. Says who? Certainly the Crunch packs a more nutritional punch than Reeses Peanut Butter Puffs or Smores (both of which are divine I might add). I could understand if you were putting a box of chips ahoy and oreos into the food processor and pouring half and half over them, but the Crunch is an icon. Last year it was the demise of Mother's animal cookies which were frosted shapes of delectable goodness. Yes, obesity is a growing epidemic but do we need this intervention with our food? Can't I decide whether or not I want to devour a bowl of sugar laden cereal that literally tears the roof of my mouth up? If I want to drink hershey's syrup from the bottle and chase it with Nutella isn't it my decision?
For example, who decided to name miniature candy bars "fun" size? Please. Trust me, the reality is that the king size bar is the fun size, but eat too many of those and you will have to pry yourself out of your chair and go purchase a pair of pants made of 99% spandex. They even have celebrity chefs working on school lunch menus which I find totally interesting.
When I was in elementary school one of our popular lunches was a bologna cup. What exactly is a bologna cup you may ask? A piece of fried bologna with a scoop of mashed potatoes and a slice of cheese on top. This delicacy is probably not available at Wolfgang Pucks, but it was an interesting looking dish. Maybe this was a south Georgia specialty, although I can imagine Vicki Vallencourt and Bobby Bouchet dining on the bologna cup.
Well at least the peeps at Special K are on the right track with the addition of their Chocolate Delight. Now, if only DQ could create Blizzards available in the frozen food section...Peace
For example, who decided to name miniature candy bars "fun" size? Please. Trust me, the reality is that the king size bar is the fun size, but eat too many of those and you will have to pry yourself out of your chair and go purchase a pair of pants made of 99% spandex. They even have celebrity chefs working on school lunch menus which I find totally interesting.
When I was in elementary school one of our popular lunches was a bologna cup. What exactly is a bologna cup you may ask? A piece of fried bologna with a scoop of mashed potatoes and a slice of cheese on top. This delicacy is probably not available at Wolfgang Pucks, but it was an interesting looking dish. Maybe this was a south Georgia specialty, although I can imagine Vicki Vallencourt and Bobby Bouchet dining on the bologna cup.
Well at least the peeps at Special K are on the right track with the addition of their Chocolate Delight. Now, if only DQ could create Blizzards available in the frozen food section...Peace
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
To Sing or Not to Sing to the Kids..that is the question
I remember when my oldest son was a baby, I would literally gaze adoringly at him for hours. He cried! Adorable! He pooed! Too cute! He never slept! Fantastic! I loved rocking him and used to sing to him. However, I don't know many lullabies. Actually, I'm not sure if I know any. What did I sing to him? Yes, "You Are" by that icon of the 80's Lionel Richie. I think that is better than "Hello" which always brings to mind that video which had the blind artist creating a sculpture of Lionel. Fortunately it was just a bust of his head and not that unfortunate sweater he is wearing.
When my daughter came along, I was going on 21 months of serious sleep deprivation. My song of choice for her was "Love Will Keep Us Together," by Captain and Tenille. It's a fun song that you can dance to, so I give it a 93.
Finally, when Woo Woo arrived, the entire family was absolutely smitten. We hadn't had a baby in 5 years so we relished every burp and wet diaper. What do I sing to him? It depends. I was alternating between "Evacuate the Dance Floor" and "Copacabana". You see, Woo loves to dance so it's important to select songs that I can choreograph appropriate moves.
Which brings me to a list of artists/songs that kids should only listen to with adult consent. It's not that some of these aren't fine artists, it's just the way they make you feel. Yes,that was a subtle shout out to Michael Jackson.
Celine Dion- In French or in Anglais this master of the "love" song leaves you feeling like someone removed your spleen minus anesthesia. Seriously, people play her songs at their weddings which has probably lead to an increase in the divorce rate. And she can make you depressed you in 2 languages, which I guess can be considered an additional bonus.
The Carpenters-I love the Carpenters. I really do. The sound of Karen Carpenter's voice is absolutely haunting, hence the inappropriateness for children. The song "Top Of the World" makes you feel like you want to hide under a rock. And that Christmas song about the greeting cards being through!!! 3 notes in and I feel like Eyore. Thank goodness she didn't do a version of "Blue Christmas."
Huey Lewis and the News-Only if you want your kids to hate you
Anything by Staind- Appropriate if you are at an all you can eat Prozac buffet
Aaron Neville-Oh I like him too, but he sounds like he has an Andes mint lodged in his throat. And that song he did with Linda Rondstadt? Something like, I don't know much but I know I love you and that may be all I need to know. Yeah, right. Ask Charlie Sheen what he thinks about that line.
"Bridge Over Troubled Water" Simon & Garfunkel-Another band I like. My old roommate in college used to turn the lights off in the apartment and pick the marshmallows out of Lucky Charms while listening to this at full blast. Regardless of how I felt when entering the room, I found myself reaching for the Visine, particularly during the take it home part.
And finally, the gut wrenching song of all songs is "Mandy" by Barry Manilow. I wonder if they ever play this song during surgeries? Seriously, if you listen to the words you will look like you have a serious case of hay fever and pink eye by the end of the song. I mean Mandy sounds like an evil wench doesn't she? She is the kind of woman who would get in the Express Lane of the grocery store with 21 items and not tell you that you had spinach stuck between your teeth. Exactly! I bet there is even a Lifetime movie about Mandy starring Tori Spelling.
Gosh I guess I have prattled on and on haven't I? In the words of that great Purple Dinosaur Barney, " I love you. You love me. We're a happy family." Until next time....
When my daughter came along, I was going on 21 months of serious sleep deprivation. My song of choice for her was "Love Will Keep Us Together," by Captain and Tenille. It's a fun song that you can dance to, so I give it a 93.
Finally, when Woo Woo arrived, the entire family was absolutely smitten. We hadn't had a baby in 5 years so we relished every burp and wet diaper. What do I sing to him? It depends. I was alternating between "Evacuate the Dance Floor" and "Copacabana". You see, Woo loves to dance so it's important to select songs that I can choreograph appropriate moves.
Which brings me to a list of artists/songs that kids should only listen to with adult consent. It's not that some of these aren't fine artists, it's just the way they make you feel. Yes,that was a subtle shout out to Michael Jackson.
Celine Dion- In French or in Anglais this master of the "love" song leaves you feeling like someone removed your spleen minus anesthesia. Seriously, people play her songs at their weddings which has probably lead to an increase in the divorce rate. And she can make you depressed you in 2 languages, which I guess can be considered an additional bonus.
The Carpenters-I love the Carpenters. I really do. The sound of Karen Carpenter's voice is absolutely haunting, hence the inappropriateness for children. The song "Top Of the World" makes you feel like you want to hide under a rock. And that Christmas song about the greeting cards being through!!! 3 notes in and I feel like Eyore. Thank goodness she didn't do a version of "Blue Christmas."
Huey Lewis and the News-Only if you want your kids to hate you
Anything by Staind- Appropriate if you are at an all you can eat Prozac buffet
Aaron Neville-Oh I like him too, but he sounds like he has an Andes mint lodged in his throat. And that song he did with Linda Rondstadt? Something like, I don't know much but I know I love you and that may be all I need to know. Yeah, right. Ask Charlie Sheen what he thinks about that line.
"Bridge Over Troubled Water" Simon & Garfunkel-Another band I like. My old roommate in college used to turn the lights off in the apartment and pick the marshmallows out of Lucky Charms while listening to this at full blast. Regardless of how I felt when entering the room, I found myself reaching for the Visine, particularly during the take it home part.
And finally, the gut wrenching song of all songs is "Mandy" by Barry Manilow. I wonder if they ever play this song during surgeries? Seriously, if you listen to the words you will look like you have a serious case of hay fever and pink eye by the end of the song. I mean Mandy sounds like an evil wench doesn't she? She is the kind of woman who would get in the Express Lane of the grocery store with 21 items and not tell you that you had spinach stuck between your teeth. Exactly! I bet there is even a Lifetime movie about Mandy starring Tori Spelling.
Gosh I guess I have prattled on and on haven't I? In the words of that great Purple Dinosaur Barney, " I love you. You love me. We're a happy family." Until next time....
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Why We Do the Things We Do
Working full time and being a mom to 3 kids doesn't leave much time for rest and relaxation, unless of course you consider going to the restroom by yourself relaxing. Really. For example, years ago spring break meant going to the beach with girlfriends and enjoying cocktails, sun, and surf. Now spring break means trying to figure out what to do with 3 little people who I am convinced are actively out to get me. Just like the cat. I swear the cat is out to terrorize me as she leapt down on my head from the linen closet this am. This is the thanks I get for providing food and shelter after rescuing her from the streets of Tucker.Which leads me to the following question.... Are we gluttons for punishment?
For example, I just mopped the floor. Foolish of me I know since we experienced epic downpours and I see giant mud puddles in the back yard. What do the kids decide they want to do today? They want to go outside and blow bubbles while the dog escapes from the fence. My son returns with a surrealist mud pattern on his face and the dog returns wet, stinky, and the color of Georgia red clay. Why hasn't Crayola penned that as a new color crayon yet? The freshly mopped floor has paw prints all over it. What was I thinking? Was I just anxious to burn the 75 calories I expended while mopping the floor? The baby ate lunch and actually had applesauce on his head. Is applesauce the new organic hair gel? I mean it was no sugar added so that could qualify as environmentally friendly , good for you, and potentially good for your hair I suppose. To quote the Pet Shop Boys, "What Have I Done to Deserve This?"
Let me take this opportunity to translate what the following activities mean now:
Relax-means I will hide in the closet so the children can't find me to change clothes
Make up the bed-I will remove the Handy Manny tools and nerf gun from my bed to create some semblance of order.
Rest- I will crawl into my king sized bed where the children have graciously allowed me a space to rest for a short amount of time. I will be relegated to clutching for dear life on the edge of the bed as my daughter is a major bed hog and brings in her iCarly bear, pillow pet, and stuffed possum, Priscilla. Should I go sleep in the bath tub? I bet if I got under the bed they wouldn't look for me there because that is where I find "missing" toys and socks...Note to self....
Watch TV- It's a good thing I am not a big television watcher because if it isn't iCarly, Alaska State Troopers, Special Agent Oso or something of the sort , then I probably haven't seen it. Speaking of cartoons, where are the parents in these cartoons? Why are Dora and Boots racing around at all hours with a map going on crazy long distance adventures? Where is the adult supervision? That is an episode of Nancy Grace waiting to happen. And how on Earth is Kelly stocking every supply imaginable at the Hardware Store on Handy Manny?Clearly Kelly was a Girl Scout. She is totally prepared for everything. She probably has a carburetor behind the counter or an EKG machine. Best I can tell, Manny and the Tools are her only customers. And why is Caillou always wearing shorts? He is French Canadian and last I checked Quebec wasn't known for their tropical climate. Oops, I digress...
Anyway, it is all worth it when a little person puts their sticky hands around your neck and says "I love you, Mommy." It still turns me to a colossal pile of mush. So, I guess I better enjoy this before the tween/teen years get here and they are angry all of the time and want to listen to Staind.
Until next time.................
For example, I just mopped the floor. Foolish of me I know since we experienced epic downpours and I see giant mud puddles in the back yard. What do the kids decide they want to do today? They want to go outside and blow bubbles while the dog escapes from the fence. My son returns with a surrealist mud pattern on his face and the dog returns wet, stinky, and the color of Georgia red clay. Why hasn't Crayola penned that as a new color crayon yet? The freshly mopped floor has paw prints all over it. What was I thinking? Was I just anxious to burn the 75 calories I expended while mopping the floor? The baby ate lunch and actually had applesauce on his head. Is applesauce the new organic hair gel? I mean it was no sugar added so that could qualify as environmentally friendly , good for you, and potentially good for your hair I suppose. To quote the Pet Shop Boys, "What Have I Done to Deserve This?"
Let me take this opportunity to translate what the following activities mean now:
Relax-means I will hide in the closet so the children can't find me to change clothes
Make up the bed-I will remove the Handy Manny tools and nerf gun from my bed to create some semblance of order.
Rest- I will crawl into my king sized bed where the children have graciously allowed me a space to rest for a short amount of time. I will be relegated to clutching for dear life on the edge of the bed as my daughter is a major bed hog and brings in her iCarly bear, pillow pet, and stuffed possum, Priscilla. Should I go sleep in the bath tub? I bet if I got under the bed they wouldn't look for me there because that is where I find "missing" toys and socks...Note to self....
Watch TV- It's a good thing I am not a big television watcher because if it isn't iCarly, Alaska State Troopers, Special Agent Oso or something of the sort , then I probably haven't seen it. Speaking of cartoons, where are the parents in these cartoons? Why are Dora and Boots racing around at all hours with a map going on crazy long distance adventures? Where is the adult supervision? That is an episode of Nancy Grace waiting to happen. And how on Earth is Kelly stocking every supply imaginable at the Hardware Store on Handy Manny?Clearly Kelly was a Girl Scout. She is totally prepared for everything. She probably has a carburetor behind the counter or an EKG machine. Best I can tell, Manny and the Tools are her only customers. And why is Caillou always wearing shorts? He is French Canadian and last I checked Quebec wasn't known for their tropical climate. Oops, I digress...
Anyway, it is all worth it when a little person puts their sticky hands around your neck and says "I love you, Mommy." It still turns me to a colossal pile of mush. So, I guess I better enjoy this before the tween/teen years get here and they are angry all of the time and want to listen to Staind.
Until next time.................
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