Week 1 of College Foozeball

Do you know what day of the week it is? Woot woot! Yay, yay! That's right. It's the day before college football begins. Btw, I have a brilliant idea I'm working on and it's the first one I've had since 1997. So let's sing that awful song "Celebration" by Kool & the Gang. It's time to come together. It's up to you. What's your pleasure? Everyone around the world, come on. And let's talk some football! For those of you that have been holding your breath, please exhale. You don't look good blue.

Alabama vs Virginia Tech- A recent article says that Nick Saban eats 2 Little Debbie Oatmeal Cream pies for breakfast each day. Really? Hello Nick! You are the reigning BCS Champion. Live a little and indulge in the GOOD Little Debbie products like the Banana Twins http://www.littledebbie.com/www/docs/109/little-debbie-snack-cakes or at least the football brownies http://www.littledebbie.com/www/docs/147/--seasonal-snacks. This is the Chick Fil-A kick off game so hopefully Mr. Saban will wash the Little Debbie's down with a Mocha Cookie Crumble shake. SHAZAAM! Alabama lost some guys to the NFL, but the folks waiting in the wings should be just as good. VT had a tough season last year and Frank Beamer's teeth continue to get longer. He's channeling his inner walrus. Tide will Roll 35-17

North Carolina at South Carolina- Some folks think the Tar Heels are a sleeper team to watch. I find most ACC teams unbearable to watch. Bada bing! Darth Visor's team is led by future first round pick Jadaveon Clowney. Tar Heels will stroll out in those heinous uniforms and hang in for a while, but won't be able to score.  Gamecocks fans yell, "Go Cocks"  which somehow sounds inappropriate yet funny. May the force be with the Gamecocks. The southern USC 24-14

Ole Miss at Vandy-Who knew Vandy was capable of smack talk? Ole Miss had the drool worthy recruiting class including Robert Kimdechee (no, I'm not googling to spell correctly). This kid annoyed the caca out of me last year by committing to Clemson and then talking to everyone about who he was bringing, when they were enrolling, only to turn around and follow his brother Denzel to the Rebels. Vandy is coming off another bowl appearance so there is another shining star in Nashville. Mmmmmm. I'm not buying the Ole Miss hype just yet. This game won't be "Easy" for the Commodores, but James Frankin is trying to build a "Brick House" program for the smarties. Vandy-28-27

LSU vs TCU- Some folks think the wheels are coming off the Bayou Bengal bus, so I guess we will see this season. LSU has a devoted fan base that includes Britney Spears and Vickie Vallencourt, so that alone would cause concern. But let's get real. What sounds more intimidating? A tiger or a horned frog? Exactly. Maybe Mettenberger gets it together this year. LSU 30-24

USC at Hawaii-Remember when Matt Barkley was going to win the Heisman and USC was a shoo in for the National Title last year? Rrright. And to add insult to injury, the Trojans lost to GT in the Sun Bowl in front of 9 people in El Paso. The only way is up, right? A trip to Hawaii would make them look and feel better. Take the Coppertone and grab a lei.  I say Trojans play with Mahalo. 42-21

Buffalo at Ohio State-Urban Meyer is feeling pretty good about now as long as he doesn't receive any collect calls from Aaron Hernandez. Buckeyes went undefeated last year and have tattoogate behind them. Braxton Miller is an early Heisman favorite but we all know what that means....nada. It's difficult to go undefeated 2 years in a row, but who is going to beat them in the Little 10? Dot the "i" early in this one. 56-17.

Bowl of Rice at Texas A&M-Speaking of people I can't bear to hear another word about..yes, I'm talking to you Johnny Manziel. After being the first freshman to win the Heisman, each day we get a report about him wiping his butt or being hungover. I equate him to the Robin Thicke song "Blurred Lines." If I hear that song or hear another story about Manziel, I will eat chards of glass, preferably over ice. He has to sit out the first half of this one, but my 3 year old could fill in and the Aggies would still win.  Just let old boy play. 45-14

****Winner, Winner, Chicken Dinner Game of the Week****

I am not one of those UGA fans who says, "If we had just beat Alabama, then surely we would have beaten ND and won the National Title." That's too many what ifs and not enough actually happened. UGA vs Clemson used to be a HUGE rivalry with past games decided by last second field goals. Dawgs lost several  guys to the NFL (holla at Alec, Orson, Jarvis, and others on Sundays), and Aaron Murray came back for his senior year. The offense should be able to put up some gawdy digits, but Clemson is the ACC cat's meow this year. The future Taj Minaj (call him up, Nicki) is another Heisman favorite along with Murray. Again, all of this means nothing.  Will the Tigers roar? Clemson has never lived up to the hype the last few years so as a Dawg fan,  let's hope they lay another Cadbury egg this week.  You just never know. Look for Todd "whirley" Gurley to have a big game in this nail biter. Drumroll.....Dawgs 28 Tigers 27.

Let's Start With the N-F-L Predictions

Just like those pundits on ESPN, I too, will make predictions. . The difference is that I don’t get paid and my sources are probably more reliable than some prognosticators. Buh-bam!  Before I make my college picks later this week, I need to make my super-duper early NFL team by team record predictions so that I can put them in a hermetically sealed cyber jar. I've spent hours (okay seconds) researching each NFL team and minutes (okay nano seconds) verifying facts. If it wasn't on the Bleacher Report or reported by Adam Schefter or Mort, it hasn't happened in my world.  We can look back 8 weeks (maybe even 8 hours)  in and see how horribly wrong I was. So without further adieu……

Cardinals-Typically, the Raiders are the last stop on the career train, but not for former USC QB, Carson Palmer.  No, he left Oakland for sunny AZ. He does look like Tom Brady compared to last year’s carousel of Cardinal QBs (Brian Hoyer, John Skelton and some other guys who should be selling insurance). Maybe Fitzgerald catches some passes. 6-10.

Falcons- With the addition of Steven Jackson, Falcons O should be haute. I like Tony Gonzalez but I ask that he respectfully not turn into Brett Favre by talking about retirement, percentages of retirement, why he came back. Yada, yada, yada. Gonzalez is back and Falcon fans are happy. 12-4

Ravens-Talk about a team cleaning house post Super Bowl! Love John Harbaugh. And Joe Flacco negotiated a super phat contract because of  the Super Bowl win. It's good money if you can get it.  Gone are Ray Lewis, Ed Reed, and Danelle Ellerbee (Go G!!!!) so I’m not sure if the D will fizzle with only T-Sizzle. But, I say they go 9-7.

Buffalo Bills-Times are tough in Buffalo. Bills sadly thought Kevin Kolb (who hopefully has a shrine of Andy Reid built in his house because he owes every $ to that man) was the man. But Kolb gets a concussion sneezing. So they signed EJ Manuel, but he is hurt too. Next up on the grid? Yes, they just signed Matt Leinhart , another USC QB who was cut by the Raiders. His greatest accomplishments are that he dated Paris Hilton and Britney Spears.  His backup graduated from Duke. Pass the tissue if you are a Bills fan. 3-13. ****Breaking news*****Neither Leinhart nor Thaddeus will be the starting QB. That honor belongs to Jeff Tuel. Who??? Yes, Jeff Tuel. You know. A guy who led a perennial powerhouse named Washington State up and down the field at least twice.

Bears-Jay Cutler=DB. His wife=famewh--e (go ahead an buy a vowel to complete the puzzle). The coach came from the CFL. 7-9.

Panthers-Is this the year? Nada. I don’t buy Rivera but good for Cam for securing endorsements. 8-8

Bengals-UGA 2.0. This roster is filled with folks from the G including standout A.J Green.  The Bengals are also the star of this season’s  “Hard Knocks” and some of these folks do have sketchy pasts and have some have seen the inside of a jail. Gritty gets you to 10-6.

Browns-It’s a bad sign when your first round pick, Barkevious Mingo (love the name as it has star written all over it) is hospitalized after a preseason game and one of your players is charged with murder. But at least you have Bernie Kosar as a colorful color commentator and you will need a translator. The Jim Brown curse continues. 5-11.

Cowboys-The Cowboys have so many devoted fans from the glory years, but can they finally get it done in this century?  Eh, I don’t know about that (at least this year), but Romo gets the blame for everything on this team. Not sure that is warranted so I say 10-6.

Broncos-Everyone is oohing and ahhing over the latest Manning commercial but does that translate into a guaranteed Super Bowl trip for a Manning? Nah. Don't think so. Broncos should be good but they will miss Von Miller, who apparently was getting his rave on prior to his suspension.Who knew? They should take their division, but you never know what will happen. 13-3.

Lions-One of my all time favorite Bulldogs, Matt Stafford, just signed one lion of a contract. Lions added a guy named Ziggy (I think he is lying about his age) and Kim K's former boyfriend, Reggie Bush. Maybe Stafford won't have to line up in the shotgun 70% of the time. Still, this division is owned by Ryan Braun's former bf, Aaron Rodgers. 8-8.

Packers-Aaron, let everyone know when you are going to toss out your salary for the year because you just knew that epic whiner, Ryan Braun, was not using PEDs. Apparently these two own a restaurant together. I wonder if the Biogeneis Burger is on the menu? Packers should be supreme again in the division. 11-5.

Texans-I know. I know. This is the year. As usual, I'm not sold. 10-6.

Colts-I think they are the ultimate in boring and Luck looks like Lurch from the Munsters or Adams Family. Can't remember which show that was. 8-8.

Jaquars-Times have always been tough in Jacksonville. The offense (aka Maurice Jones Drew) got into a fight in the off season in St. Augustine. Did someone step in front of him in the Ripley's Believe It Or Not Museum? No worries. He will play and they will eek out 2 hideously ugly wins. 2-14.

Chiefs-The Bamboozler (Andy Reid) is in town and he has Alex Smith with him. Yes, you aren't going anywhere with Matt Cassel as your QB. Chiefs should be better, but I don't want to watch them. 7-9.

Dolphins-Will Fins sink or swim? I say they float. I can't for the life of me remember the QB's name. You know. The one with the wife everyone was drooling over, but I suspect they will be average. This is all based on......nothing but just speculation. I can't trust any team that Jennifer Lopez has ownership in. 8-8. Taneyhill...that's his name.

Vikings-Speaking of cute wives, Christian Ponder's wife Samantha Steele Ponder is adorable. Sadly, I don't buy him as a QB. As a matter of fact, the only thing of note on the team is AP (the advanced placement of Adrian Peterson on the greatest all time RB list). 6-10.

Patriots-Remember when everyone thought Rob Gronkowski was a moron? He seems like a Rhodes Scholar compared to Aaron Hernandez. The Pats picked up Tebow for a cup of tea and I assume he brings Brady gatorade when he needs it. Maybe Giselle is introducing him to her friends. I'm not ready to declare this a sinking ship like some folks. 11-5.

Saints-Drew Brees is ready to put that  $3 tip on a takeout behind him because his best friend Sean Payton is back. Payton is or was going through a scandalous divorce because he was allegedly dating one of the Saints' cheerleaders. Salacious! That will hit him in the wallet. Saints should be better. 10-6.

Giants-You just never know what to think about Elmer and company. Survey says....10-6.

Jets-Speaking of tough times....It's an ominous sign when there is a line in Vegas that Sanchez's first TD will be to Darrell Revis when they Jets open up against the Bucs. How do you solve this problem? Well a functional team would draft a good qb, while a dysfunctional team signs a guy who played QB at WV.  Sanchez played at USC, so we see how his career on the field plays out. Off the field he has dated Kate Upton, Hilary Rhoda, and Eva Longoria. Not too shabby. 6-10.

Raiders- When your first round pick has just been cleared for contact, after almost dying back in November, one has to wonder about the strategy of the team. Matt Flynn is the QB. Can you win with Flynn? This isn't the campaign trail. So some peeps say Terrelle Pryor is the best option. I had no idea he was still in the league. Why not just bring back Jamarcus Russell and call it a day? 4-12

Eagles-Everyone is all excited to see Chip Kelly's offense. This isn't Oregon and the Philly fans are not excited to see this week's uniform. The Dogfather will be fine until the O-line parts like the Red Sea, and then former (yawn) USC QB, Matt Barkley will come in. Can't see it. 5-11.

Steelers- Hope Jarvis Jones does well. 8-8.

Rams-This is my "surprise" team. They will probably surprise me by laying an egg on the field. One of my all time favorite Dawgs is with the Rams, Will Witherspoon. He rescues animals. 2 gold stars and a smiley for him!  If Sam Bradford can stay quasi healthy, I say 9-7.

Chargers- Remember when Manti Te'o and his girl Lennae were the big story? He seems like a Harvard PHD candidate compared to Aaron Hernandez. I never, ever, ever buy anything about the Chargers (including those hideous uniforms or Philip Rivers) but I will buy the weather and city of San Diego. It's a lovely area. What is 7-9, Alex?

49ers-Love Kapernick. Gosh darn he is cute, but I can't stand the voice. It's the David Beckham syndrome.  No one cares what I think. Remember when Mike Singletary called out Vernon Davis and like dropped his pants or something? Not Vernon. Mike. No, Vernon allegedly dated a former dancer that John Abraham dated named Kashmere. I digress. 12-4.

Seahawks-Look for these guys to take a little step back, but I still say 10-6.

Bucs-Some peeps are excited about the Bucs. Meh. The defense should be good with the addition of Revis, but I just don't know about the QB. 6-10.

Titans-Jake "the hurt" Locker is your starting QB. He is backed up by Ryan Fitzpatrick, who looks like Joe Montana to the Bills about now. 5-11

And finally, the Redskins. RG3 is so much fun to watch, but I think staying healthy is going to be an issue. And, I can't with a good conscience think the Redskins can seal the deal. 7-9

 Next up? College picks...

World News-The August 1st Edition

 

Question time. How many of you subject yourself to watching the news? Right. So that means you are are determined to throw yourself into a pit of depression so deep, that  eating a pint of Chunky Monkey topped with a dozen krispy kremes wouldn't even bring a smile to your sad  face. No, you will just sit in a dark room listening to Robin Thicke wondering when his pop, Alan, will break into a rendition of the theme from "Growing Pains."  Just turn on the local news. Carjackings. Home Invasions. Shootings. Shootings at birthday parties (I guess that's what happens when someone eats the last piece of cake.) Shootings at the Waffle House (Perhaps Honey Bunny in Pulp Fiction really just wanted an order of scattered, smothered and covered potatoes.) Shootings over parking spaces (that really shows people to park within the lines). Shootings at family barbeques (hands off the grill or else) If you watch the local news, you are a glutton for punishment. Me? If it isn't sports related or completely mindless celebrity garbage, I try to ignore it. Although I was totally intrigued by what Edward Snowden did during those weeks in the Moscow airport. Was he mainlining Popov or Stoli? G-chatting with Putin?  Was he perusing the shops and walking around in a " I went to Moscow and all I got was this lousy t-shirt" tee? Was he posting selfies of himself wearing just his skivvies in the loo (which apparently even grown ups with kids do..you all know who you are)? But let's take some time to catch up on some big events, shall we?

Let's start with that atom splitter Aaron Hernandez. Aaron may not have been smart enough to stay out of questionable situations, but he does respond to a fan letter and says G-d wants him in jail. http://www.tmz.com/2013/08/01/aaron-hernandez-jail-letter-not-guilty-god/  Good to know. However, if things don't go well, perhaps he can call Tebow in to perform an exorcism. For the record, I know so many females who have told me how "hot" he is and the murder charge (s) makes him seem like a bad boy. Facing life in prison does may it sound like you aren't afraid to color outside of the lines, you know?  Right. I guess that's why one of the jurors in the Richard Ramirez trial ended up marrying him. Apparently, some women can overlook a few dead bodies on their way to marital bliss. Haters gonna hate....

I came up with a brilliant marketing idea today. Maybe James Cameron can direct a blockbuster hit showcasing the lives of Lance Armstrong and Alex Rodriguez. He could call it "Mega Tools". Wilmer Valderama could portray A-Rod. Seriously. A-Rod bamboozled the Yankees into giving him a phat contract valid until he is eligible for SSI. The problem is that his leg is on the verge of falling off due to using, ahem, supplements. I will put a gold star next to his name for being a good tipper as I used to wait tables. I maintain you can tell a great deal about a person according to how they tip and the way they treat furry peeps. http://www.tmz.com/2013/07/31/alex-rodriguez-hooters/?adid=tmzhero3  For the record, when I was in college, a certain member of a band (REM) used to come in all of the time. He left the exact same tip whether he was by himself or paying for a table of 10. Oh, and if you remember that horrible band, Del Amitri, they used to come in and say, "don't you know who we are?" Yes, we did and your music sucks. We weren't impressed.

Speaking of impressed, did you hear that a royal baby was born? Hopefully baby Georgie doesn't inherit his father's hairline.http://celebritybabies.people.com/2013/07/23/royal-baby-prince-of-cambridge-first-photo-kate-middleton-prince-william/ Bada bing.

Start hoarding food and bottled water. We are one step closer to the Apocalypse. Jennifer Lopez is directing a reality show about her back up dancers http://worldnewsviews.com/2013/07/02/jennifer-lopez-backup-dancers-featured-in-a-step-away-docu-series-on-nuvotv/  This is must see tv if you have been living in a remote forest and have never had human contact. I'm talking to you, Nell.

In rehab news, Lindsay Lohan is out (I think) and Oprah offered her $2million for a 6 part docu-series. Translation -6 part train wreck. Yawn.  It's good $$$$ if you can get it. And Charlie Sheen's ex, is making her 20th appearance in rehab. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2324409/Brooke-Mueller-twice-went-rehab-crystal-meth-addiction-PREGNANT-sons-Bob-Max.html  Hopefully, Betty Ford gives both of these ladies a punch card or at least lets them enroll in the rapid rewards program. Perhaps they can take the points they earn with each stint and purchase 8 balls? If 20 doesn't work for Brooke, I'm sure 21 will be the charm.

I'm so ready for football. If only Taj Boyd married Nicki Minaj and took her last name. Taj Minaj sounds catchy, doesn't it? Starships were meant to fly and Amanda Bynes is the captain http://www.thesuperficial.com/amanda-bynes-is-all-better-08-2013

I have to get a tattoo like this. I have added it to the "to do" list under "clean bathroom."   I would totally get my name underneath it in case I get amnesia.

Peace out.