Funnies and Football

OMG! It's football season, but before I go there I have a few snippets to share.

So, I had a conference call with a super big, well known international company regarding an upcoming event. Unbeknownst to me, the call was with someone in Japan (I thought he was in NYC) who was not exactly fluent in English. Have I mentioned that Japanese is not my first or 2nd language?  I did drive a Toyota for years.  Does that count for something? I mean, I do know the term "Domo Arigato" but I'm not Kilroy and the guy on the other end of the line wasn't named Mr. Roboto. Thanks Styx! Yes, sushi is my favorite food and I love Sapporo and Kirin, but this wasn't an episode of "Man Versus Food." Nope, we had some serious disconnect in the language department. So we are going to rectify this situation next week by bringing in the Swiss marketing director. Hmmmmm. Wonder how his English is.  I'm going to win him over by telling him I think Roger Federer took a dive in the Olympics so Andy Murray could win the gold. I think it was a good will gesture to the Brits after that breakdown at Wimbledon. I will also tell him that Lindt bars should be a part of the food pyramid in the U.S.

 I work in a very small department and at a recent sales meeting my boss said he was well versed in pop culture and knew who Justin Derulo was. I asked if Justin Derulo was a cross between Justin Bieber and Jason Derulo. He looked at me and wrote something down. Do you think he wrote something that rhymed with cartpass or witch?

Anyway, football is here as I see Vandy and SC on the telly. Whenever I hear the term "Go Cocks" I chuckle and have painful flashbacks to when Joe Cox was the UGA QB. Holla at my boy Russ (above) for being named the new mascot! I hope he had a lengthy rider and demanded Evian water on the sidelines and an on-call masseuse. His job his stressful, but at least he won't have ongoing issues like Macauley Culkin and Lilo. Russ is haute! Make him mad and he will get botox to remove those wrinkles. On with my picks....

****LOCK OF THE WEEK*****

UGA vs Buffalo-Dawgs versus the Bulls. Sounds like something being played in Pampalona, right? Buffalo football hasn't been the same since they were good for a hot second under Turner Gill. What am I saying? The overall health of Buffalo football in general is similar to living in a tent on Love Canal.   I don't recognize some of the starters for UGA (and many have good names), but they are going to win. They won't cover the 6 TD spread, but this is a W for Russ and the other A Murray.

NC State versus Tennessee-Poor Derek Dooley. He's probably thinking that he should have tried to secure a gig  as a guest attorney on Nancy Grace. Dude looks beat! One of his top players, Da'Rick Rogers flunked da drug tests and the timing was unfortunate. Some prognosticator picked an ACC team to win the National Title. I'm not sure what kind of medication he is on, but perhaps it should be more readily available to the public. He probably also thinks Paris Hilton is a virgin. Did I  just say that? Hey, hey Tyler Bray! Step up to the plate and help your coach out during the opener. I like the Vols to key up "Rocky Top" and win this one in a squeaker. Based on...nothing. Just what I think.

Boise State versus Michigan State-Broncos versus Spartans.  The Big 10 is really the slightly husky 2 or 3. Everyone else is awful. Boise State loves playing the spoiler so I say Broncos.

Clemson versus Auburn- Is this Clemson's year? During the off-season, I heard about how the top recruit (I won't even attempt to spell it and I'm too lazy to google it)  in the nation was going to Clemson, and if they didn't let him bring all of his friends and his woobie he might change his mind. Clemson should totally win this one, right? Mmmm. I guarantee a Tiger win!  I guess I will take Clemson which means Clemson will lose. Auburn should be really happy that I picked Clemson.

Bama vs Michigan-Nick Saban did a little dance when he heard the Honey Badger decided to get all A&E Intervention on LSU. For the record, I always mistakenly called him "The Honey Thief," a song by Hipsway (one of my favorite one hit wonders). Same difference I suppose. Bama is young on defense but you know that bench is as deep as the Pacific Ocean. I've never seen Michigan play any D, but they do have an athletic QB in Denard Robinson. Some peeps say Michigan takes this but not moi. Roll Tide.

GT vs VT-It's an ACC blockbuster. Let's see. VT is usually good for about 9 games of the season and GT has been as exciting as watching paint dry. It's not like the Reggie Ball days where there was fundamental excitement. I just made myself laugh. I think this is in Blacksburg so I supposed Frank Beamer and his very long teeth score a win in the opener.

Goooooooo Dawgs!

It's That Time of the Year

And that totally beats being that time of the month! Have I ever mentioned that my 2 older kids have a strange interest in death? When they go visit my mother in law, they ask to go visit the cemetery. Which brings me to the fact that my dad was telling my daughter a bedtime story about a little girl in a neighboring town who got her hair caught in a tractor and had to have emergency surgery. Fortunately, she was okay, but nice move, dad! What's next? A bed time story about Richard Ramirez or Ted Bundy? Please! Remember the audience.

So, I am in 2 fantasy football leagues, but I haven't logged in to look at my team. Everyone always tries to get all clever with the naming of the teams. Hmmmm. I don't know if I drafted Ryan Leaf or Jamarcus Russell, but at least I have a team name. I name my team after someone I went to high school with because it's memorable. Not sure what happened to him, but he has become a cult figure in my fantasy football league.

I love the turmoil of the offseason in college and professional football. I fully expect Bobby Petrino and his wife to sit down with "Real Sports" and talk about how him hooking up with a 25 year old and getting caught  lying has "strengthened their marriage." Uh huh. I call that the Lilo media approach. Yes, she was hospitalized for an asthma attack because she was holding a puppy.

Not a fan of the preseason. Typically, I would be excited about the Falcons playing the Dolphins because the camera would pan to my boyfriend, Jason Taylor (who had no idea he was my boyfriend. Is that considered delirium?). But he retired, and is taking needy kids back to school shopping (sa-woon!) so the game will be a snoozer. Nice name for your kid, Mr. Bierman. Kash isn't pretentious in the least. If you have a daughter maybe her name will be Suisse Credit.  Below are some predictions I have about the upcoming season. Keep in mind my predictions are not based on research or fact, just what I think at this immediate moment. And maybe if something rhymes. Oh, and let me get this out of the way...Pats, Packers, 49ers, and Elmer &Giants will do well. It also looks like Andrew "Lurch" Luck will have a decent year.

These Guys Take a Step Back.....

Detroit-I just love Matthew Stafford. He bought his girlfriend boobs last year and that's a thoughtful gift. It beats a Whitman's Sampler or some roses. Wonder if he gave her a Hallmark card with the double Ds?  Megatron is one of my favorite receivers. His mother made him do volunteer work every summer when he was a kid, and I find that so endearing. But what's up with people trying to make this team "dirty"? They were 0-16 a couple of years ago, so how bad can they be. They play in a fierce division so they take a step back.

The Bungles-Video may have killed the radio star, but bunglemania manages to kill the team each year. They made the playoffs last year and looked pretty good. The Nasty Nati is filled with former Bulldogs, but I say Andy Dalton hits the sophomore slump. I just hope the guy uses 50 plus sunblock when he is outside. The sophomore slump beats wearing an orange jumpsuit and getting 3 squares in a cell. Did you hear that Odell? Don't threaten people at water parks.

Was Not Was (Everybody Walk the Dinosaur..or in this case...these guys go the way of the dinosaur)

San Diego-Here is my yearly prediction that the Chargers will wet the bed. I  loathe Phillip Rivers. He is the only QB I ever see get personal fouls. Maybe they flag him for being an overt hillbilly. Not buying....

Baltimore-Oh, they will be good. But they won't seal the deal. They will fall short of the Tom Brady & Company, again.

Pittsburgh-Hines Ward is one of my all time favorite Bulldogs and apparently he is quite the dancer too. Wonder if he was invested in the Donnan ponzi scheme? I hope he realized that a 300% return on your investment is as probable as a unicorn in the kitchen. While at UGA,the man played every position and would snap the ball to himself if necessary. But sadly, he is moving on to the broadcast arena which is a much sweeter gig. Like Mike Tomlin, but they are missing some pieces.

The Poop Pile

Cardinals- Larry Fitzgerald. Fabulous WR without a QB. Maybe he can throw to himself? Someone has to win that division so there is hope.

Seahawks-Allegedly, Pete Carroll tells the team "they are smarter than anyone else in the league." Uh huh. That's why he drafted a guy who has already done some time. I don't know which one of their 3 mediocre QBs they will start. (It's a bad sign when Charlie Whitehurst is your bank QB, but he could totally star in "Jesus Christ Superstar" should he decide to join Broadway).
 
Jets-They will probably finish 8-8 but they are entertaining. Mark Sanchez will throw pick 6s but he will continue to score Victoria's Secret models, so I suppose that's a trade-off. How will Tim Tebow interact with Antonio Cromartie? Maybe he can help him remember the names of his kids?

Browns-Jim Brown must have some magical powers because that curse continues. Their new QB has to play now before his AARP magazine starts getting delivered. Colt McCoy is still trying to figure where he is. 

And my "winner, winner, chicken dinner award" for the AFC South goes to..drumroll, please. I have no clue! I'm not sure what to think about the Saints. I'm not buying Greg Schiano for the Bucs (he will probably win coach of the year) because I didn't view Rutgers as a juggernaut. But what do I know? I say Falcons win the division with a 10-6 record. 2 Legit 2 Quit.

Has it really been 7 weeks? Let me fill you in............

Hola! Has it really been that long? I promise I will be better because that scent in the air is that of football.  I'm going to give everyone the speed demon version of what has happened since I last blogged.....

I have bonded with a coworker at work. She confessed that she had a crush on Prince Harry and I immediately decided to accept her in the circle of inner trust. On another note, I hate it when I go to a meeting and someone's butt creeps into my chair. Keep your butt to yourself.  Personal space.

I went on the family vacation for the first time in 7 years. 6 adults, 5 kids and at no time did I see Maureen Maher of "48 Hours Hard Evidence" following us. The great thing about going places with 5 kids is that I  had 2 additional kids to follow me into the bathroom. The more the merrier, right? For the most part, everyone behaved, although I thought I was going to have to have my husband hauled away one day. If I could have put him in a strait jacket, then I most certainly would have. Trust me. My mother in law and brother in law are reading this, smiling, and nodding their head in agreement.

On return, I had this sore on my leg that isn't healing so I pay a visit to the dermatologist. Mind you, I just visited him 6 weeks earlier for a skin exam to which he declared, "You don't need to be so concerned about melanoma (I am) as you are what I would consider low risk." What does he say when I show him said sore? "That could be amelanotic melanoma." Wtf????  Fortunately, the biopsy said this was just scar tissue (thank you!) but this pushed me to clean out my closets and donate more stuff to good will. People, check your skin. It's your largest organ.

Last, week while driving to work I hear this strange noise. Mmmm. Where is this strange noise coming from and what is that burning smell? I decide to glance at my dashboard and notice the needle is way past the HOT. Holy long list of bad words is what I said! I pull off the road and waited for my husband to take me to pick up my electric blue rental car.$967 later, the car is back in action.

This weekend I went to see the parents. My daughter made me ultra nervous by referring to me as "one cheap mother." I was beyond relieved when there was not a word that followed "mother." You just never know what they will say. I'm frugal.  Last night, my dad commented to my daughter that her hair was getting very long and that a little girl in a neighboring town got her hair caught in a tractor and ripped off her scalp. However, she had been transferred to a larger hospital and was doing well. What???? Is this the new bed time story? Couldn't he have just said she was starting to look like Rapunzel? I mean, it's a horrible story but then I had to answer a multitude of questions from a 7 year old wondering if the same would happen to her.

Finally, after going to bed, I am awakened at midnight by several people laughing and screaming. I look out the window but see them get in their cars and disperse a few minutes later. At 2:30 am, I almost poo on myself because I look out the window and there are at least 40 people in my parents' very small  front yard. And trust me, my parents weren't having a party and why is no one else awakened by this? There are 14 cars and over 40 people a couple of feet from the window. What to do? Actually, what are these people going to do and why are they next to the window at 2:30 am? So, I guessed this is when you are supposed to call 911? The 911 operator asked what I thought they were doing. Was I supposed to step out and ask?  Do I look like Miss Cleo? I don't know what they are doing but I'm wondering why they are outside the window. I don't bother to tell the 911 operator that I am terrified of any kind of weaponry and feel faint when I see a plastic picnic knife or firecracker. About 15 minutes later they left, but I was a bit panicky and wasn't trying to be difficult, but with 3 little people, I just felt nervous. There is another story as to why it made me nervous, but eh, not necessary....

And boot quest 2012 is over. Yes, I have to find boots (off season because they are cheaper) for the calf challenged. I have freakishly ginormous calves. This was clear to me in 5th grade when I ripped the seams of my Calvin Klein jeans at the calf. Something did come between me and my Calvins and it was my calves. Cape quest continues. However, cape quest has been going on for around 8 years so I don't see it being resolved any time soon.

That's it....That's my excitement. I'd rather talk about football.