Can you believe 2011 is coming to a close? What a year it has been! Each year, I don't technically make resolutions, but rather lists of things I need to work on to become a better person. One year, I put them on those giant post-it tablets and listed 86 things I needed to address. 86??? This was when I was in a self help book stage and owned a copy of a book entitled "Maybe It IS Him." I hung them up in my office because I thought it would hold me accountable. Actually, after about 2 days of looking at such an overwhelming list, I got a massive headache. So before I officially decide to commit to anything in 2012, let's take a look at some of my bad habits. I know this is probably embarrassing, but supposedly this is how you actually stay focused on the issues. You have to make it public. Not Maury public, but be honest about what you need to do. This all came to me this morning when my car wouldn't start and I was afraid I was going to have to call a towing service with some clever name like 400 Wrecker - We Tow So You Can Go.
I drink out of the milk jug. Isn't that awful and disgusting? My mother would be appalled that I am admitting that, but sometimes I'm the only drinker of the milk. Hence, I don't want to dirty a glass. That's not very dignified is it?
I'm completely mortified that I do this, but I talk over people. I hate doing that! I try to count to 5 and then speak, but inevitably someone starts saying something at that moment. It's a deplorable habit and I am SO sorry for doing that. It's truly an instance of it's me and not you.
Gosh, I've wanted to lose 10 pounds since birth even though I only weighed 7. It doesn't matter how much I weigh, I always want to lose 10. Sometimes 15. The new theory is that you should chronicle your efforts with youtube videos in conjunction with a food diary and ask for feedback. That is why there is this deluge of videos of people trying to fit into jeans 4 sizes too small. Seriously. Google "wiggling into jeans" and you will be astonished at what people post. I think I will pass on the video aspect as I'm trying to hang on to a few friends. And a food journal? Here is a start. I had some triscuits with wasabi mustard, part of an apple, and a slice of cheese. That's probably not going to win any nutrition awards. Mmmmm. Maybe I will post a food journal after all.
And finally, worry less. I used to never, ever worry. Now, I take it to the extreme. Worry solves nothing and causes significant lines on your forehead (or fivehead in my case as my forehead is ginormous). I can only control what I can control and everything has a way of working itself out the way it is supposed to be. I think. At least that is what I try to convince myself of thinking.
Stay tuned....
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Forks in life, long car rides, and darn those people who can actually sing!
As 2011 draws to a close, I find myself at yet another fork in life. Not a pitchfork, probably more like a salad fork or perhaps a dinner fork, but well maybe it's more of an identity crisis? We all have issues but wouldn't it be nice if life was like a a cup of fat free coconut/chocolate yogurt? You would get to experience an "Almond Joy" without the guilt. As I always say, I will figure it out at some point. However, one thing I realized I have not figured out, is how to ensure a nice car ride with kids.
I decided to take my daughter to visit her grandparents for a few days. My oldest son is with his other grandparents, so this means Lambchop would be an only goblin for a few days. And I need to chill out a bit and regroup, so this is a brilliant idea on paper. The car ride down to the grandparents was relatively uneventful. My daughter even mentioned that she didn't mind "listening to old people's music" when Green Day came on the radio. That was really big of her since I was all Selena Gomezed and Katy Perry'd out for the ride. The visit was short (because trust me, my daughter doesn't want me there) and Lambchop and I were on our way back home. I should point out that Lambchop is obsessed with vacuum cleaners. It's an unhealthy obsession. He got one for Christmas and I knew this vacuum cleaner would become an issue. First, he had to have all 3 of his babies and the vacuum cleaner in his lap in the car. He is almost 2, but his lap is just not that big. Then he started hitting me in the back of the head with the vacuum cleaner and crying "vacuum. vacuum." Gosh, I'm sorry. I can't really pull off the highway and turn on this annoying vacuum cleaner. Perhaps it was the hair clip that has been on top of my head since 1992 that made me feel like a power drill was being inserted into my head. No, maybe it was the screaming child yelling at me to turn on a vacuum cleaner while I was on 75 that was giving me a headache. I pulled over 4 times within 30 minutes to adjust this vacuum cleaner and he was still unhappy. So was I. Then he started screaming louder as if I hadn't heard the first hour of screaming. I realized he had a snotty nose from his blubbering, so the fifth time I pulled over I wiped his nose with his sock. Yes, I realize that isn't sanitary, but at least I didn't spit on a napkin to clean his face. Now that is nasty! He just kept whining "vacuum, vacuum" so I decided entertainment was the only route left. I told him (and reminded myself) that I used to LOVE to karaoke years ago. Strange since he has no idea what I was talking about!
Ah, karaoke. I used to have this rotation of songs that I sang with a friend. I never divulged my real name and I always sang at least 2 hours from where I lived. We called ourselves Sasha's Chicken (don't all great bands start with a name like that?) and sang classics such as "Love Will Keep Us Together", "When Will I Be Loved", and "Proud Mary." Each song had this respective dance that went along with the song. Occasionally, when I felt daring (and the audience seemed particularly intoxicated) I sang by myself. That was when I cracked out "Top of the World" by the Carpenters. It was as close as I could get to having my own variety show. Speaking of songs and variety shows, one of the greatest one hit wonders ever is a song called "Hotline" by the Sylvers. I remember seeing them perform on some bad 70s show. They wore these great shoulder baring, bell bottom red jumpsuits with silver fringe (perhaps that paid homage to the band's name?) hanging from the sleeves and had long straight hair. That was the life I envisioned for myself at age 5- a fashion icon with a flat iron. I heard the song in Walgreens a couple of years ago but have been unable to locate the tune. The song is unforgettable. "Stop all the calls in the world. Til I get you girl. Get you at ho-oo-oome. I asked the CIA, they said it was okay." Must find this song..OMG!!! I just googled the Sylvers and still don't have my song but they sang "Boogie Fever"??? I had no idea they had multiple songs or perhaps I forgot. I mean I haven't really listened to them as of late. Wow! Where have I been? Now on to find another song called "Pride" by a totally random band named King. I digress...
So I sang for the baby. Whatever was on the radio and the choices were slim in south GA. Edison Lighthouse (Love grows where my rosemary grows and nobody knows but me) , Lionel Richie (I had no idea I remembered the words to "Stuck On You"-I should have forgotten them), the Doors, 2 versions of "Suspicious Minds" (Elvis and FYC), and even a song by Allison Krauss I learned while working in a saloon right after college. It was the kind of place where people ordered a filet mignon (pronounced the way it was spelled) well done with a Caesar salad with Thousand Island dressing. Yeah. But Lambchop was still whiny so I switched to some type of retro rock show. Amazingly, he started to settle down with classics such as Motley Crue's "10 Seconds to Love", "For Those About to Rock", followed by "Real Love" by Slaughter. I told him the video featured Shannen Doherty and she was labeled a "bad girl" because she was married to Ashley Hamilton for less than 3 months. Nowadays, that is considered a silver anniversary. By the time, Bon Jovi's "Dead or Alive" came on, someone was resting peacefully.......Maybe he was bored by my incessant blabbing on useless music trivia? Perhaps this is why teenagers don't acknowledge their parents? Am I laying the foundation for this during the toddler years?
Anyway, he nestled in and slept peacefully for the remaining 2 hours. But I was reflecting on those karaoke days. Inevitably, there were 2 absolutes during a night of karaoke. Someone always sang "Black Velvet" (horrible song) and there was always someone who sounded FABULOUS! I always rolled my eyes when those people performed because you certainly didn't want to sing AFTER them. No, no, no. It only highlighted your deficiencies. It was imperative that you ask to sing after the people who were slurring or barely coherent. That was the way to make yourself sound like a stellar supahstah!
And I leave you with, "My mama told me, you better shop around. Uh huh. "
I decided to take my daughter to visit her grandparents for a few days. My oldest son is with his other grandparents, so this means Lambchop would be an only goblin for a few days. And I need to chill out a bit and regroup, so this is a brilliant idea on paper. The car ride down to the grandparents was relatively uneventful. My daughter even mentioned that she didn't mind "listening to old people's music" when Green Day came on the radio. That was really big of her since I was all Selena Gomezed and Katy Perry'd out for the ride. The visit was short (because trust me, my daughter doesn't want me there) and Lambchop and I were on our way back home. I should point out that Lambchop is obsessed with vacuum cleaners. It's an unhealthy obsession. He got one for Christmas and I knew this vacuum cleaner would become an issue. First, he had to have all 3 of his babies and the vacuum cleaner in his lap in the car. He is almost 2, but his lap is just not that big. Then he started hitting me in the back of the head with the vacuum cleaner and crying "vacuum. vacuum." Gosh, I'm sorry. I can't really pull off the highway and turn on this annoying vacuum cleaner. Perhaps it was the hair clip that has been on top of my head since 1992 that made me feel like a power drill was being inserted into my head. No, maybe it was the screaming child yelling at me to turn on a vacuum cleaner while I was on 75 that was giving me a headache. I pulled over 4 times within 30 minutes to adjust this vacuum cleaner and he was still unhappy. So was I. Then he started screaming louder as if I hadn't heard the first hour of screaming. I realized he had a snotty nose from his blubbering, so the fifth time I pulled over I wiped his nose with his sock. Yes, I realize that isn't sanitary, but at least I didn't spit on a napkin to clean his face. Now that is nasty! He just kept whining "vacuum, vacuum" so I decided entertainment was the only route left. I told him (and reminded myself) that I used to LOVE to karaoke years ago. Strange since he has no idea what I was talking about!
Ah, karaoke. I used to have this rotation of songs that I sang with a friend. I never divulged my real name and I always sang at least 2 hours from where I lived. We called ourselves Sasha's Chicken (don't all great bands start with a name like that?) and sang classics such as "Love Will Keep Us Together", "When Will I Be Loved", and "Proud Mary." Each song had this respective dance that went along with the song. Occasionally, when I felt daring (and the audience seemed particularly intoxicated) I sang by myself. That was when I cracked out "Top of the World" by the Carpenters. It was as close as I could get to having my own variety show. Speaking of songs and variety shows, one of the greatest one hit wonders ever is a song called "Hotline" by the Sylvers. I remember seeing them perform on some bad 70s show. They wore these great shoulder baring, bell bottom red jumpsuits with silver fringe (perhaps that paid homage to the band's name?) hanging from the sleeves and had long straight hair. That was the life I envisioned for myself at age 5- a fashion icon with a flat iron. I heard the song in Walgreens a couple of years ago but have been unable to locate the tune. The song is unforgettable. "Stop all the calls in the world. Til I get you girl. Get you at ho-oo-oome. I asked the CIA, they said it was okay." Must find this song..OMG!!! I just googled the Sylvers and still don't have my song but they sang "Boogie Fever"??? I had no idea they had multiple songs or perhaps I forgot. I mean I haven't really listened to them as of late. Wow! Where have I been? Now on to find another song called "Pride" by a totally random band named King. I digress...
So I sang for the baby. Whatever was on the radio and the choices were slim in south GA. Edison Lighthouse (Love grows where my rosemary grows and nobody knows but me) , Lionel Richie (I had no idea I remembered the words to "Stuck On You"-I should have forgotten them), the Doors, 2 versions of "Suspicious Minds" (Elvis and FYC), and even a song by Allison Krauss I learned while working in a saloon right after college. It was the kind of place where people ordered a filet mignon (pronounced the way it was spelled) well done with a Caesar salad with Thousand Island dressing. Yeah. But Lambchop was still whiny so I switched to some type of retro rock show. Amazingly, he started to settle down with classics such as Motley Crue's "10 Seconds to Love", "For Those About to Rock", followed by "Real Love" by Slaughter. I told him the video featured Shannen Doherty and she was labeled a "bad girl" because she was married to Ashley Hamilton for less than 3 months. Nowadays, that is considered a silver anniversary. By the time, Bon Jovi's "Dead or Alive" came on, someone was resting peacefully.......Maybe he was bored by my incessant blabbing on useless music trivia? Perhaps this is why teenagers don't acknowledge their parents? Am I laying the foundation for this during the toddler years?
Anyway, he nestled in and slept peacefully for the remaining 2 hours. But I was reflecting on those karaoke days. Inevitably, there were 2 absolutes during a night of karaoke. Someone always sang "Black Velvet" (horrible song) and there was always someone who sounded FABULOUS! I always rolled my eyes when those people performed because you certainly didn't want to sing AFTER them. No, no, no. It only highlighted your deficiencies. It was imperative that you ask to sing after the people who were slurring or barely coherent. That was the way to make yourself sound like a stellar supahstah!
And I leave you with, "My mama told me, you better shop around. Uh huh. "
Sunday, December 25, 2011
Happy Holidays! Infomercial items-boom or bust?
I am updating this blog on Christmas. Now this IS dedication! Since many people exchange gifts during the holidays, I thought I would share what I have found to one of the best gifts ever. I have shared how much of a devotee' of the infomercial I am I'm sure. A few years ago my MIL got me the Sham Wow Super absorbent cloths which allegedly will soak up the Pacific Ocean should you have that type of spill. I can't vouch for that type of absorbency, but well, they work. Unfortunately, they don't remove that permanent "sticky" on everything that is associated with having 3 little people. On a 1-10 , I give them a 6.
While I was pregnant with Lambchop, I decided I needed a spinning mop. Granted, I enjoy mopping as much as I enjoyed having food poisoning, but at least the spinning mop looked disco-riffic. The spinning mop came with directions in a language I am not familiar with, but even I could decipher some typos. Your confidence drops when the instructions have typos. It just feels deceptive. However, the mop worked well before my oldest son broke the handle. You see, everyone was smitten with the spinning mop and wanted to see what kind of magic occurred when you used said mop. Concept-10. Usability-2.
Right after the birth of Lambchop almost 2 years ago, I would watch tv in the middle of the night while nursing him. This is big for me as I am not a big tv watcher. Lo and behold, there was allegedly this miracle sulfate free shampoo/rinse that permanently eradicated frizz. You would pump some crazy number (48 to be exact) pumps of this stuff in your hair, rinse and say goodbye to the "I stuck my finger in an electric socket look." AND, the show was hosted by Alyssa Milano. This had to be legit! Would I finally be saying to my crazy hair "Who's the Boss" now, frizz? So, I broke down and had a very difficult time biting on this exorbitant price tag, but thought a miracle in a bottle might be arriving. Eh, I think because you put so much of the stuff on your hair, there is no way your hair can't be smooth. But, I felt like I had melted candle wax on my hair. Boo hiss. I give it a 4 out of 10.
I should absolutely be ashamed of this next breakdown, but I will blame it on location as I was visiting the parental unit. The infomercial for the Genie Bra came on and I decided to look up from my magazine. They paraded these women out in their ill fitting bras (supposedly 90% of women wear the wrong bra size) and then, BAM! The genie bra made them look like back up Victoria's Secret models minus the wings, feathers, and sequins. I should know better than anyone NOT to be fooled by anything garment related. Right after I got out of college, J Crew made a killing on me as I was bamboozled by the catalog that arrived. Yes, I will look just fabulous in those tan corduroy pants with the argyle vest while holding a daisy in that beautiful meadow. No, that 5'11 size 0 model with legs that equaled my height looked good in those corduroy pants. I looked like a small oak tree. Anyway, could this Genie Bra work some magic? I never believed I was in the 90% of ill fitting bra peeps, because prior to Lambchop I wore a negative A, but perhaps I needed a boost post Lambchop. The GB gets an 9 for comfort and a 5 for results. However, I am not sure what I was expecting. Perhaps only a little surgery could help and I'm not doing that.
However, there is one item that I unequivocally declare one of the greatest inventions of all time. I'm always cold. FREEZING! My MIL gave me a Snuggie one year which should have been a homerun, except the designers of the Snuggie clearly designed for someone of LeBron James' stature and not me. Not to mention, I felt like some kind of deity in the cardinal color with about 4 feet of fabric trailing behind me. Where is a scepter and crown when you need one? No, I asked for and received 2, yes 2, Forever Lazys for my birthday. Granted, these things are not attractive. It's a giant onesie for adults but I love it! I do have one observation on the Lazy. I know obesity is a terrible epidemic for our society, but have we become so lazy as a culture that we require a zipper above your butt? Allegedly, that is in case you want to wear this thing out in public (WHAT????). Are we so slack that we can't unzip it in the front? If I ever venture out of the house in this hideous (yet very warm and cozy) getup, I can admit that I have officially waived the white flag. The Lazy gets a 10 for warmth and comfort but a 1 for appearances. Although, I have to admit, I feel like an astronaut in this. I can just hear "Major Tom" by Peter Schilling playing in the background as I step into my gray Forever Lazy.
In the words of the great Porky Pig, "That's all folks." Happy Holidays!
While I was pregnant with Lambchop, I decided I needed a spinning mop. Granted, I enjoy mopping as much as I enjoyed having food poisoning, but at least the spinning mop looked disco-riffic. The spinning mop came with directions in a language I am not familiar with, but even I could decipher some typos. Your confidence drops when the instructions have typos. It just feels deceptive. However, the mop worked well before my oldest son broke the handle. You see, everyone was smitten with the spinning mop and wanted to see what kind of magic occurred when you used said mop. Concept-10. Usability-2.
Right after the birth of Lambchop almost 2 years ago, I would watch tv in the middle of the night while nursing him. This is big for me as I am not a big tv watcher. Lo and behold, there was allegedly this miracle sulfate free shampoo/rinse that permanently eradicated frizz. You would pump some crazy number (48 to be exact) pumps of this stuff in your hair, rinse and say goodbye to the "I stuck my finger in an electric socket look." AND, the show was hosted by Alyssa Milano. This had to be legit! Would I finally be saying to my crazy hair "Who's the Boss" now, frizz? So, I broke down and had a very difficult time biting on this exorbitant price tag, but thought a miracle in a bottle might be arriving. Eh, I think because you put so much of the stuff on your hair, there is no way your hair can't be smooth. But, I felt like I had melted candle wax on my hair. Boo hiss. I give it a 4 out of 10.
I should absolutely be ashamed of this next breakdown, but I will blame it on location as I was visiting the parental unit. The infomercial for the Genie Bra came on and I decided to look up from my magazine. They paraded these women out in their ill fitting bras (supposedly 90% of women wear the wrong bra size) and then, BAM! The genie bra made them look like back up Victoria's Secret models minus the wings, feathers, and sequins. I should know better than anyone NOT to be fooled by anything garment related. Right after I got out of college, J Crew made a killing on me as I was bamboozled by the catalog that arrived. Yes, I will look just fabulous in those tan corduroy pants with the argyle vest while holding a daisy in that beautiful meadow. No, that 5'11 size 0 model with legs that equaled my height looked good in those corduroy pants. I looked like a small oak tree. Anyway, could this Genie Bra work some magic? I never believed I was in the 90% of ill fitting bra peeps, because prior to Lambchop I wore a negative A, but perhaps I needed a boost post Lambchop. The GB gets an 9 for comfort and a 5 for results. However, I am not sure what I was expecting. Perhaps only a little surgery could help and I'm not doing that.
However, there is one item that I unequivocally declare one of the greatest inventions of all time. I'm always cold. FREEZING! My MIL gave me a Snuggie one year which should have been a homerun, except the designers of the Snuggie clearly designed for someone of LeBron James' stature and not me. Not to mention, I felt like some kind of deity in the cardinal color with about 4 feet of fabric trailing behind me. Where is a scepter and crown when you need one? No, I asked for and received 2, yes 2, Forever Lazys for my birthday. Granted, these things are not attractive. It's a giant onesie for adults but I love it! I do have one observation on the Lazy. I know obesity is a terrible epidemic for our society, but have we become so lazy as a culture that we require a zipper above your butt? Allegedly, that is in case you want to wear this thing out in public (WHAT????). Are we so slack that we can't unzip it in the front? If I ever venture out of the house in this hideous (yet very warm and cozy) getup, I can admit that I have officially waived the white flag. The Lazy gets a 10 for warmth and comfort but a 1 for appearances. Although, I have to admit, I feel like an astronaut in this. I can just hear "Major Tom" by Peter Schilling playing in the background as I step into my gray Forever Lazy.
In the words of the great Porky Pig, "That's all folks." Happy Holidays!
Friday, December 23, 2011
The Holiday Edition
Haven't I been the ultimate slacker updating this blog? Can I blame it on the craziness of December and being distracted with other issues in life? Actually, it's my blog and I can blame it on whatever I want. I can blame it on the rain a la Milli Vanilli. Blame it on the stars that shine at night. Whatever you do, don't put the blame on you, blame it on the rain. Exactly.
So my husband asks why I never write about him. Hmmmmmm. Remember, he says this blog isn't funny. But, I will oblige and share a story. I was surveying the pantry to see what would be needed for our annual family Christmas Eve gathering. I picked up a box of triscuits (top open of course) and lo and behold a single triscuit and 2 slithers of a triscuit are left in the open box. Now why does one leave a triscuit and a half? Were you so stuffed after eating the triscuits that you thought a triscuit and a half would be an adequate snack for a visiting squirrel? I couldn't really serve a variety of cheeses and a triscuit at the soiree', because of course no one would want to be the person who ate the triscuit. He also mentioned that I was being a taskmaster because I said people need to throw their trash away and not leave it on the kitchen counter. Hello? It's a slippery slope. Haven't you seen "Hoarders"? First it's a little dust and some boxes stacked up in the garage and then BAM! They are surrounded by 2 years worth of garbage because they were "just too busy" to take the trash outside.
Anyway, I am a bit of a procrastinator when it comes to Christmas. I'm uber impressed with those people that send me holiday cards with photos of the kids in green and red striped outfits. One year, I sent Christmas cards in January. I had every intention of sending them out in December, but no one has ever cooperated and posed for a family photo. No. No. No. I send out WWF (not the wrestling organization) cards. That is when I actually send them out to people. Yes, I have to wrap gifts tomorrow morning before the guests get here (wouldn't want to do that too far in advance). I'm certainly impressed by those people who keep moving that elf thing around the house. The only elf I am familiar with is Buddy, and we have no statue of Will Ferrell in our house. I should be better at these things, but I'm not exactly Martha Stewart, though I loved that poncho she had on when she left the big house! I guess I'm doing okay. Decorations are in the yard, stockings are up, and I stocked up on spirits for the gathering. Doesn't that count as holiday party planning? It's certainly more than I did for Thanksgiving where we make a trek to the Golden Corral to see this much ballyhooed chocolate fountain. The kids were expecting a fountain similar to those at the Bellagio, but it was more like that volcano Peter built on the Brady Bunch. Yes, I give myself a solid B-/C+ for Christmas preparation.
But really, what crazy fool ventures out to the grocery store on December 23rd? Yeah, that would be me. Last year I went on the 24th and I swore I would not do that again. I backed it up an entire day. The store is filled with novices who don't understand that you are supposed to race thru the store at break neck speed and keep it moving. I even took my 6 year old daughter with me who was sporting a Santa hat. She spent a significant amount of time admiring herself in the doors on the frozen food aisles. "I really rock this hat don't I mommy?" was a comment coming from her as she surveyed the frozen broccoli section followed by, "I'm a really cute little Santa's helper." The girl has confidence and that is a good thing. She will need it because society isn't always so kind.
Yes, we will have football food on Christmas Eve and a choice of beverages. The little people will discuss Santa's arrival. It's not fancy or extravagant, but it's sufficient. Many people aren't so fortunate, so I consider myself lucky and grateful. Cheers!
So my husband asks why I never write about him. Hmmmmmm. Remember, he says this blog isn't funny. But, I will oblige and share a story. I was surveying the pantry to see what would be needed for our annual family Christmas Eve gathering. I picked up a box of triscuits (top open of course) and lo and behold a single triscuit and 2 slithers of a triscuit are left in the open box. Now why does one leave a triscuit and a half? Were you so stuffed after eating the triscuits that you thought a triscuit and a half would be an adequate snack for a visiting squirrel? I couldn't really serve a variety of cheeses and a triscuit at the soiree', because of course no one would want to be the person who ate the triscuit. He also mentioned that I was being a taskmaster because I said people need to throw their trash away and not leave it on the kitchen counter. Hello? It's a slippery slope. Haven't you seen "Hoarders"? First it's a little dust and some boxes stacked up in the garage and then BAM! They are surrounded by 2 years worth of garbage because they were "just too busy" to take the trash outside.
Anyway, I am a bit of a procrastinator when it comes to Christmas. I'm uber impressed with those people that send me holiday cards with photos of the kids in green and red striped outfits. One year, I sent Christmas cards in January. I had every intention of sending them out in December, but no one has ever cooperated and posed for a family photo. No. No. No. I send out WWF (not the wrestling organization) cards. That is when I actually send them out to people. Yes, I have to wrap gifts tomorrow morning before the guests get here (wouldn't want to do that too far in advance). I'm certainly impressed by those people who keep moving that elf thing around the house. The only elf I am familiar with is Buddy, and we have no statue of Will Ferrell in our house. I should be better at these things, but I'm not exactly Martha Stewart, though I loved that poncho she had on when she left the big house! I guess I'm doing okay. Decorations are in the yard, stockings are up, and I stocked up on spirits for the gathering. Doesn't that count as holiday party planning? It's certainly more than I did for Thanksgiving where we make a trek to the Golden Corral to see this much ballyhooed chocolate fountain. The kids were expecting a fountain similar to those at the Bellagio, but it was more like that volcano Peter built on the Brady Bunch. Yes, I give myself a solid B-/C+ for Christmas preparation.
But really, what crazy fool ventures out to the grocery store on December 23rd? Yeah, that would be me. Last year I went on the 24th and I swore I would not do that again. I backed it up an entire day. The store is filled with novices who don't understand that you are supposed to race thru the store at break neck speed and keep it moving. I even took my 6 year old daughter with me who was sporting a Santa hat. She spent a significant amount of time admiring herself in the doors on the frozen food aisles. "I really rock this hat don't I mommy?" was a comment coming from her as she surveyed the frozen broccoli section followed by, "I'm a really cute little Santa's helper." The girl has confidence and that is a good thing. She will need it because society isn't always so kind.
Yes, we will have football food on Christmas Eve and a choice of beverages. The little people will discuss Santa's arrival. It's not fancy or extravagant, but it's sufficient. Many people aren't so fortunate, so I consider myself lucky and grateful. Cheers!
Friday, December 2, 2011
Championship Week and the Holidays
Hi Everyone! I've noticed I have quite a few visitors from a country that allegedly has the highest number of identity thieves. A word of advice to those peeps if they are trying to become T2, don't bother. My bank account is small, I need plastic surgery, and I have a sense of humor that is not for many. There are many cooler, wealthier people to become so aim higher.
So instead of doing the song and dance on Thanksgiving that many do, we headed to the Golden Corral to see this alleged 8th wonder of the world known as the "Chocolate Fountain." The kids were disappointed as they thought it was going to be more like Niagara Falls. However, the one thing about the Corral is that choices are bountiful and I never worry about the kids making a mess. I like anyplace that presents over 30 (gasp) dessert options.
Speaking of the holidays, we had internet woes earlier this week so I worked at the workspace for urban, wannabe hipsters. That's right. Yes, I walked up and ordered a pretentious venti, non fat, no whip, 1/2 pump salted caramel mocha at Starbucks. The one thing I have noticed as of late is that the music is so loud at Starbucks that everyone just yells at each other. No wonder most people kept their ear muffs on all day. To make matters worse, I can only take so many Christmas songs by Karen Carpenter and Michael Buble before I want to hole up in a dark room with Ben & Jerry.
It's the week for many inaugural (albeit terrible looking) championship games, so let's get it started:
Oregon vs UCLA-OMG! When I heard UCLA was in a championship game of any kind I immediately googled to see if there was an error. They are absolutely terrible, but when you hear Ducks versus Bears you immediately think grizzly right? This game will be a combination of grizzly and ghastly. Quack Attack 48-7
VA Tech vs Clemson- Allegedly, they can't pay peeps to go to the ACC Championship game, so expect to see a crowd of 10 or so there. Clemson was dismantled by NC State a few weeks and ago. VA Tech is the exact same team each year. Good, but not that good. I like Beamer's teamer 28-20.
Syracuse vs Pitt-Too bad this isn't hoops. The Big East should not be in any kind of BCS game. It would be more fun to watch me as QB in a game provided I could see over the line. This game will be boring, painful, and terrible. Those are the highlights. The last time Syracuse was good a guy named McNabb was QB. It's anyone's guess, so I like Syracuse in an upset.
Oklahoma and Oklahoma State-Both teams choked as expected but some say OSU should be in the BCS game if they win out. Whatevs! They lost to Iowa State. I've been to that campus and I'm sure "Children of the Corn the Revenge" was shot in Aimes. Stoops and company will swoop in with a squeaker in a high scoring game. The O-48 The other OSU-45
LSU vs UGA- UGA overcame 2 early losses to end up winning the SEC East. No offense to anyone, but I don't think the SEC East is particularly loaded. Again, an SEC East Championship is an SEC East Championship...so it's a bonus. I expect this game to be close for a half before the 2nd half looks like an episode of "Fatal Attractions" on Animal Planet. Russ is cute isn't he? By midway thru the 3rd quarter,you will want the camera on him versus the field. I could certainly be wrong, but I just don't think the Dawgs can win. (maybe reverse psychology will work here?) LSU-38 UGA-21
In the words of those iconic songsters Tag Team, "Whoop! There it is!"
*****I had a really funny thought for paragraph 3, but I skipped it. Alas, I don't want to offend anyone. Sigh.***
So instead of doing the song and dance on Thanksgiving that many do, we headed to the Golden Corral to see this alleged 8th wonder of the world known as the "Chocolate Fountain." The kids were disappointed as they thought it was going to be more like Niagara Falls. However, the one thing about the Corral is that choices are bountiful and I never worry about the kids making a mess. I like anyplace that presents over 30 (gasp) dessert options.
Speaking of the holidays, we had internet woes earlier this week so I worked at the workspace for urban, wannabe hipsters. That's right. Yes, I walked up and ordered a pretentious venti, non fat, no whip, 1/2 pump salted caramel mocha at Starbucks. The one thing I have noticed as of late is that the music is so loud at Starbucks that everyone just yells at each other. No wonder most people kept their ear muffs on all day. To make matters worse, I can only take so many Christmas songs by Karen Carpenter and Michael Buble before I want to hole up in a dark room with Ben & Jerry.
It's the week for many inaugural (albeit terrible looking) championship games, so let's get it started:
Oregon vs UCLA-OMG! When I heard UCLA was in a championship game of any kind I immediately googled to see if there was an error. They are absolutely terrible, but when you hear Ducks versus Bears you immediately think grizzly right? This game will be a combination of grizzly and ghastly. Quack Attack 48-7
VA Tech vs Clemson- Allegedly, they can't pay peeps to go to the ACC Championship game, so expect to see a crowd of 10 or so there. Clemson was dismantled by NC State a few weeks and ago. VA Tech is the exact same team each year. Good, but not that good. I like Beamer's teamer 28-20.
Syracuse vs Pitt-Too bad this isn't hoops. The Big East should not be in any kind of BCS game. It would be more fun to watch me as QB in a game provided I could see over the line. This game will be boring, painful, and terrible. Those are the highlights. The last time Syracuse was good a guy named McNabb was QB. It's anyone's guess, so I like Syracuse in an upset.
Oklahoma and Oklahoma State-Both teams choked as expected but some say OSU should be in the BCS game if they win out. Whatevs! They lost to Iowa State. I've been to that campus and I'm sure "Children of the Corn the Revenge" was shot in Aimes. Stoops and company will swoop in with a squeaker in a high scoring game. The O-48 The other OSU-45
LSU vs UGA- UGA overcame 2 early losses to end up winning the SEC East. No offense to anyone, but I don't think the SEC East is particularly loaded. Again, an SEC East Championship is an SEC East Championship...so it's a bonus. I expect this game to be close for a half before the 2nd half looks like an episode of "Fatal Attractions" on Animal Planet. Russ is cute isn't he? By midway thru the 3rd quarter,you will want the camera on him versus the field. I could certainly be wrong, but I just don't think the Dawgs can win. (maybe reverse psychology will work here?) LSU-38 UGA-21
In the words of those iconic songsters Tag Team, "Whoop! There it is!"
*****I had a really funny thought for paragraph 3, but I skipped it. Alas, I don't want to offend anyone. Sigh.***
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Thanksgiving, picks and why does my mother think I am older than people who were always older than me?
Another snippet of humor from my mother. Suddenly, I have become older than people who were older than me. Confusing right? If someone was 8 years older than me, I have suddenly become "much older than they are." Example, she asked me if I remembered Gardenia Flowergarden (not a real name). I said, "No" and she said that I went to school with her. Then she proceeded to tell me that she died last week and was 59. 59? I'm not even 40, so unless she was on the 27 year elementary school plan, we probably weren't in the same grade.
2nd factoid of the week...I was totally swayed by that infomercial for the Genie Bra. Allegedly this magic bra will work miracles. I bought this alleged life changer and let's just say I don't think I have experienced anything miraculous. Not exactly a ringing endorsement, eh? Perhaps I will feel differently about the forever lazy footed pajamas. They come in blue so I can channel my inner Smurf.
Wow! Those Big 12 teams have choked as expected and the top 3 teams in the BCS are in the SEC West. After beating Oklahoma State, I expect Iowa State to promptly lay an egg. So let's make some predictions..
LSU vs Woo Pig Sooey-I know everyone hopes the Hogs win as that would completely upset the prognosticators and BCS machine. Not gonna happen. Les is more and purple drank prevails 24-20
UGA vs GT-UGA is the SEC East Champ and I'm not sure how good they really are. Wins over Kentucky and Ole Miss aren't exactly impressive, but a title is a title and a "W" is a "W". GT is in the ACC so that speaks volumes. However, it's a rivalry game so I expect a nail biter. Most UGA games are nail biters as Aaron Murray makes me a bit nervous when he drops back and touches the ball. Love the Brandons (Boykin and Smith) The cuter mascot prevails. Russ 20- Buzz 14
Clemson vs SC-Clemson was completely destroyed by NC State last week and it wasn't in hoops. After that performance you would assume it's a gimme for the Gamecocks. However, it's not. Darth versus Dabeau. Mmmmm. Gotta go with the visor 28-17.
For the first time in years, those Thanksgiving pro games don't look like turkeys.
Detroit vs Green Bay- I really would love for the Lions to win, but they have a tendency to start slow. Tough to do that with the Pack attack. Not a fan of those Aaron Rodgers' commercials,but a check is a check. Packers 35-28
Miami vs Dallas-Miami is on a roll winning their last 3. Too bad they lost the 1st 7. Tony Romo is probably happy he escaped the curse of Jessica Simpson. If that relationship had lasted, her dad would have pitched a cell phone commercial called "Roaming with the Romos". But no mo Romo for Jess. Anyway, Dallas squeaked past the Redskins last week in OT and I expect a close one. Dallas 28- The Hotness that is Jason Taylor 21.
SF vs Baltimore-SF is haute while Baltimore has multiple personalities. I mean, they lost to the Jaguars. SF has to lose at some point and it is Harbaugh versus Harbaugh. I like the Harbaughs. This would be one game where it would totally be acceptable if they got snippy with each other post game. They are brothers and it's expected that you have the occasional altercation with your sibling. Gosh...Jim seems scrappier so I take him in the ultimate squeaker. 17-14
****Painful Game of the Week*****Carolina vs Colts-I love those post score celebrations Cam Newton does. The choreography if fantabulous. I think he will have the opportunity to do several this week so he needs to have a few moves in his back pocket. The Colts had a bye last week so they could prep for their next "L". Cam 31- Curtis 10 (actually I'm not sure they can score 10 but I was feeling generous)
Happy T-Day. Be thankful for the little things because stuff is just stuff. Laugh so hard you cry and be nice to someone just because. Life is short so enjoy it. Gobble gobble!
2nd factoid of the week...I was totally swayed by that infomercial for the Genie Bra. Allegedly this magic bra will work miracles. I bought this alleged life changer and let's just say I don't think I have experienced anything miraculous. Not exactly a ringing endorsement, eh? Perhaps I will feel differently about the forever lazy footed pajamas. They come in blue so I can channel my inner Smurf.
Wow! Those Big 12 teams have choked as expected and the top 3 teams in the BCS are in the SEC West. After beating Oklahoma State, I expect Iowa State to promptly lay an egg. So let's make some predictions..
LSU vs Woo Pig Sooey-I know everyone hopes the Hogs win as that would completely upset the prognosticators and BCS machine. Not gonna happen. Les is more and purple drank prevails 24-20
UGA vs GT-UGA is the SEC East Champ and I'm not sure how good they really are. Wins over Kentucky and Ole Miss aren't exactly impressive, but a title is a title and a "W" is a "W". GT is in the ACC so that speaks volumes. However, it's a rivalry game so I expect a nail biter. Most UGA games are nail biters as Aaron Murray makes me a bit nervous when he drops back and touches the ball. Love the Brandons (Boykin and Smith) The cuter mascot prevails. Russ 20- Buzz 14
Clemson vs SC-Clemson was completely destroyed by NC State last week and it wasn't in hoops. After that performance you would assume it's a gimme for the Gamecocks. However, it's not. Darth versus Dabeau. Mmmmm. Gotta go with the visor 28-17.
For the first time in years, those Thanksgiving pro games don't look like turkeys.
Detroit vs Green Bay- I really would love for the Lions to win, but they have a tendency to start slow. Tough to do that with the Pack attack. Not a fan of those Aaron Rodgers' commercials,but a check is a check. Packers 35-28
Miami vs Dallas-Miami is on a roll winning their last 3. Too bad they lost the 1st 7. Tony Romo is probably happy he escaped the curse of Jessica Simpson. If that relationship had lasted, her dad would have pitched a cell phone commercial called "Roaming with the Romos". But no mo Romo for Jess. Anyway, Dallas squeaked past the Redskins last week in OT and I expect a close one. Dallas 28- The Hotness that is Jason Taylor 21.
SF vs Baltimore-SF is haute while Baltimore has multiple personalities. I mean, they lost to the Jaguars. SF has to lose at some point and it is Harbaugh versus Harbaugh. I like the Harbaughs. This would be one game where it would totally be acceptable if they got snippy with each other post game. They are brothers and it's expected that you have the occasional altercation with your sibling. Gosh...Jim seems scrappier so I take him in the ultimate squeaker. 17-14
****Painful Game of the Week*****Carolina vs Colts-I love those post score celebrations Cam Newton does. The choreography if fantabulous. I think he will have the opportunity to do several this week so he needs to have a few moves in his back pocket. The Colts had a bye last week so they could prep for their next "L". Cam 31- Curtis 10 (actually I'm not sure they can score 10 but I was feeling generous)
Happy T-Day. Be thankful for the little things because stuff is just stuff. Laugh so hard you cry and be nice to someone just because. Life is short so enjoy it. Gobble gobble!
Friday, November 18, 2011
Ashton & Demi-Where did it go wrong?
My friend Brad (you know I adore you) asked if I was going to post about the demise of Ashton and Demi. I'm not a fan of either (purposely avoid movies of both except "A Few Good Men"), but I love good sleaze as much as the next person. I thought it was appropriate for a retrospective piece on how they went the distance in Hollywood terms (married for 6 yrs), but another couple bites the dust.
Oh Demi. Remember when she posed on the "Vanity Fair" pregnant and naked, with Scout in her belly? That marriage too, fell apart and everyone wondered who would Demi date next. I'm sure she was searching thru "A Few Good Men" in Hollywood wondering who was a good match. Lo and behold, she started dating a guy who was 16 years her junior, and according to some females, one who was the cat's meow. I'm sure there was full "Disclosure" on that age difference and this was "No Small Affair." In fact, in 2005 there was what would some said was an "Indecent Proposal." Some peeps thought they had been "Punk'd" because they wondered why this guy wanted an instant family. They are both good looking people and age IS just a number. However, some speculated this was just a fling during "One Crazy Summer?" Perhaps Demi and Ashton thought every day would be like "Valentine's Day" if they were "Just Married?" So this union began with more fodder for the paparazzi and tabloids.
They did charity work and allegedly shared dinners with Bruce and the kids. All was supposedly bliss until rumors (not the daughter) started circulating that infidelity was in da house! More and more women starting coming forward anxious to talk "About Last Night" while saying they weren't interested in publicity. Funny how people have a tendency to say things like "I just want to be left alone" to TMZ or while posing provocatively in a wet t-shirt in a magazine. This of course as long as said publication is making it rain!! Were these allegations of a"Striptease" accurate? Did Ashton really believe "What Happens in Vegas" stays in Vegas and that there were "No Strings Attached" to these people who love speaking to the tabloids? Was this a "Ghost" of a marriage? Soon, the relationship had a "Scarlett Letter" tattooed on it and the inevitable press release of "we have made the painful decision to blah blah blah blah..." I'm sure one gathered his/her "Personal Effects" and said "It's you, not me" and walked out the door. Key up "Cry Me a River". Do celebrities mourn the demise of relationships with a pint of Ben & Jerry's and the Carpenters playing in the background?
Yes, Ashton no longer has to say "dude, where's my wife?" I feel confident they will both move on to other people as it is "Open Season" for both. I'm sure they will both find something they feel is a "Lot Like Love" and someone will tell Diane Sawyer about it. Why Diane? Because Oprah x-nayed her show.
Best of luck Demi and Ashton!
Oh Demi. Remember when she posed on the "Vanity Fair" pregnant and naked, with Scout in her belly? That marriage too, fell apart and everyone wondered who would Demi date next. I'm sure she was searching thru "A Few Good Men" in Hollywood wondering who was a good match. Lo and behold, she started dating a guy who was 16 years her junior, and according to some females, one who was the cat's meow. I'm sure there was full "Disclosure" on that age difference and this was "No Small Affair." In fact, in 2005 there was what would some said was an "Indecent Proposal." Some peeps thought they had been "Punk'd" because they wondered why this guy wanted an instant family. They are both good looking people and age IS just a number. However, some speculated this was just a fling during "One Crazy Summer?" Perhaps Demi and Ashton thought every day would be like "Valentine's Day" if they were "Just Married?" So this union began with more fodder for the paparazzi and tabloids.
They did charity work and allegedly shared dinners with Bruce and the kids. All was supposedly bliss until rumors (not the daughter) started circulating that infidelity was in da house! More and more women starting coming forward anxious to talk "About Last Night" while saying they weren't interested in publicity. Funny how people have a tendency to say things like "I just want to be left alone" to TMZ or while posing provocatively in a wet t-shirt in a magazine. This of course as long as said publication is making it rain!! Were these allegations of a"Striptease" accurate? Did Ashton really believe "What Happens in Vegas" stays in Vegas and that there were "No Strings Attached" to these people who love speaking to the tabloids? Was this a "Ghost" of a marriage? Soon, the relationship had a "Scarlett Letter" tattooed on it and the inevitable press release of "we have made the painful decision to blah blah blah blah..." I'm sure one gathered his/her "Personal Effects" and said "It's you, not me" and walked out the door. Key up "Cry Me a River". Do celebrities mourn the demise of relationships with a pint of Ben & Jerry's and the Carpenters playing in the background?
Yes, Ashton no longer has to say "dude, where's my wife?" I feel confident they will both move on to other people as it is "Open Season" for both. I'm sure they will both find something they feel is a "Lot Like Love" and someone will tell Diane Sawyer about it. Why Diane? Because Oprah x-nayed her show.
Best of luck Demi and Ashton!
Sunday, November 13, 2011
Why some daughters have such complicated relationships with their mothers and the potential for 'putting your eye out.'
I just spent a weekend visiting my parents. I don't see them very often and should see them more. My kids really enjoy them, but I have a terribly complicated relationship with my mother. I have read about and know women who are extremely close to their mother. My mother and I don't have much in common. Let me be more specific. We are both short (I am 3 inches taller:)and related by blood but the similarities end there. She is a good person but we are just different. Really different.
Without boring anyone, I know why I am the way about certain things. So when I found out I was having a daughter 6 years ago, I was a bit nervous. Uh oh. A girl! Mmmmmmm. And she was an absolute and complete challenge for the first 5 years (does this give me a pass during the teenage years?). Every wrinkle or gray hair I have can directly be linked back to Fiona. And she is an absolute love! She is funny, smart, talented, beautiful, and yes I am biased. However, there were a few quirks my mother has that I hoped to avoid.
Little girls are keenly aware of their appearance very early in life. I was cutting edge in that department but now it is the social norm. My mom was really big on cracking out the scale when we had guests at our house. Instead of playing Scrabble, she would suggest we all weigh ourselves when family visited. Exactly my idea of a good time! As you recall, "The Price is Right" always has a scale in the showcase because it is so freaking fun to have a weigh in party. I always wanted to eat a sandwich while I weighed so I can max that number as much as possible. Not! So, imagine my delight when she came to visit for a baby shower when I was pregnant with my oldest son. Wait...have I admitted any of what I am about to say in earlier posts? Well, let me admit that when my oldest son was born I weighed 189 pounds. 189 pounds. I gained 56 pounds. I was ginormous. I was the spitting image of a weeble. I had 9 chins and even my toes were fat. I would have liked fatter eyelashes but that didn't happen.
Anyway, she visited when I was about 7 months pregnant. At that time, I was a positively svelte 176-178 (give or take the unfortunate shirt I was wearing) and she suggested we get out the scale to see how much I weighed. Was she trying to be funny? I was more than aware that if we stuck a fin on me I could have played Orca in a remake. Why did I need to stand on the scale to prove I was huge? Trust me, everyone was aware that I looked like a float in the Macy's Parade. Perhaps to get the party started I should have suggested we crack out the tape measure to measure how big my butt was or maybe pour a large pile of cement so I could have a cast to commemorate the ginormity (that's not a real word but I like it) that was me. I want my daughter to be healthy, but I try to steer clear of those discussions.
One other thing that challenges my sanity, is that she is always telling the kids not to do this or that because...."it will put your eye out." Swinging mardi gras beads by a 22 month old, walking with a pencil, eating with a fork...all activities that according to my mom "will put your eye out." Listen, I know emergency rooms are filled with victims of accidents. However, I have been in the ER numerous times with my oldest, but I don't recall an enormous group of patients with an eyeball in hand. How common is the "putting an eye out" occurrence? I'm sure it happens. It's probably not as prevalent as she likes for me to believe.
And thankfully, I got her to stop saying "Guess who died?". I never knew how to respond. It was just too awkward. At first I said, "Mom, I don't really want to guess" because what if I was wrong? Okay, so let's say I play along and say." Chrysanthemum?" Would she say, "No, she's still with us." Did I proceed to my next guess?
I thought we might have more in common once I had kids, but the gap is even wider. She doesn't think I am strict enough and doesn't like that I don't believe in spanking. To each his/her own, but if spanking really worked, wouldn't you only have to do it once? And she thinks that a man should be the leader, and I think gender is a non issue. She is very conservative and I'm not. I could go on and on, but just believe me when I say we couldn't be more different. That's okay because I see things the way they are and am not trying to change anyone. I hate this term, but "it is what it is."
Oh, I totally get on her nerves and I know it. We coexist. However, I am working to have a different relationship with my daughter. I have a scale (actually several) but I keep it tucked away.
Without boring anyone, I know why I am the way about certain things. So when I found out I was having a daughter 6 years ago, I was a bit nervous. Uh oh. A girl! Mmmmmmm. And she was an absolute and complete challenge for the first 5 years (does this give me a pass during the teenage years?). Every wrinkle or gray hair I have can directly be linked back to Fiona. And she is an absolute love! She is funny, smart, talented, beautiful, and yes I am biased. However, there were a few quirks my mother has that I hoped to avoid.
Little girls are keenly aware of their appearance very early in life. I was cutting edge in that department but now it is the social norm. My mom was really big on cracking out the scale when we had guests at our house. Instead of playing Scrabble, she would suggest we all weigh ourselves when family visited. Exactly my idea of a good time! As you recall, "The Price is Right" always has a scale in the showcase because it is so freaking fun to have a weigh in party. I always wanted to eat a sandwich while I weighed so I can max that number as much as possible. Not! So, imagine my delight when she came to visit for a baby shower when I was pregnant with my oldest son. Wait...have I admitted any of what I am about to say in earlier posts? Well, let me admit that when my oldest son was born I weighed 189 pounds. 189 pounds. I gained 56 pounds. I was ginormous. I was the spitting image of a weeble. I had 9 chins and even my toes were fat. I would have liked fatter eyelashes but that didn't happen.
Anyway, she visited when I was about 7 months pregnant. At that time, I was a positively svelte 176-178 (give or take the unfortunate shirt I was wearing) and she suggested we get out the scale to see how much I weighed. Was she trying to be funny? I was more than aware that if we stuck a fin on me I could have played Orca in a remake. Why did I need to stand on the scale to prove I was huge? Trust me, everyone was aware that I looked like a float in the Macy's Parade. Perhaps to get the party started I should have suggested we crack out the tape measure to measure how big my butt was or maybe pour a large pile of cement so I could have a cast to commemorate the ginormity (that's not a real word but I like it) that was me. I want my daughter to be healthy, but I try to steer clear of those discussions.
One other thing that challenges my sanity, is that she is always telling the kids not to do this or that because...."it will put your eye out." Swinging mardi gras beads by a 22 month old, walking with a pencil, eating with a fork...all activities that according to my mom "will put your eye out." Listen, I know emergency rooms are filled with victims of accidents. However, I have been in the ER numerous times with my oldest, but I don't recall an enormous group of patients with an eyeball in hand. How common is the "putting an eye out" occurrence? I'm sure it happens. It's probably not as prevalent as she likes for me to believe.
And thankfully, I got her to stop saying "Guess who died?". I never knew how to respond. It was just too awkward. At first I said, "Mom, I don't really want to guess" because what if I was wrong? Okay, so let's say I play along and say." Chrysanthemum?" Would she say, "No, she's still with us." Did I proceed to my next guess?
I thought we might have more in common once I had kids, but the gap is even wider. She doesn't think I am strict enough and doesn't like that I don't believe in spanking. To each his/her own, but if spanking really worked, wouldn't you only have to do it once? And she thinks that a man should be the leader, and I think gender is a non issue. She is very conservative and I'm not. I could go on and on, but just believe me when I say we couldn't be more different. That's okay because I see things the way they are and am not trying to change anyone. I hate this term, but "it is what it is."
Oh, I totally get on her nerves and I know it. We coexist. However, I am working to have a different relationship with my daughter. I have a scale (actually several) but I keep it tucked away.
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Winner, Winner Turkey Dinner! Picks for the week..
I could start off with the whole Penn State fiasco (I am), but just a couple of things. There is a whacked out contingency of people who are trying to compare the alleged activities witnessed at Penn St to a player getting some free t-shirts or their parents getting to live in a house for free. What????? Not even in the same stratosphere. I'm not going to elaborate, but do the words "wrong" or "deplorable" resonate with them? On with happier topics....
VT at GT-Supposedly this game is on right now but I have no idea what is happening. My husband has it on some horrible "sitcom", and he has the audacity to think I'm not funny? Puhlease. I noticed my neighbors put up their GT flag this week. That is a sure sign they will lose. The Hokey Pokey will turn themselves around. That's what it's all about. VT- 28 GT-21
UGA vs Auburn-UGA showed New Mexico St who was top dog while Auburn has been hot and cold since Sir Cam left. This game is in Athens and generally the visitor wins, I think? This is what we call fact checking. I just scanned my stellar memory that can't recall anyone's name, but I know the words to every obscure song one could imagine and came up with the visitor factoid. UGA hasn't beaten anyone decent (sorry, it's true) and Auburn is suspect. I know I'm not supposed to say this but I think Auburn wins. 28-24. Ick!
Miami at FSU- Remember when this game would have garnered a countdown clock on ESPN? Well they both joined the ACC. Miami beat Duke (yawn) and FSU hasn't exactly been consistent. I expect defense will not be present during roll call. This one is tough. The spirit of Bobby Bowden in a squeaker 38-35.
Oregon at Stanford- Duck vs Luck. The quack attack strolls into Palo Alto while Andrew Luck wonders if he should accept Peyton Manning's FB friend request. The prognosticators are drooling over this one! Stanford is undefeated while Oregon suffered an early loss to LSU. Oregon will try to ruffle the Cardinal feathers, but I think the team with the most Luck wins. Stanford 45-42. Again, I expect defense to be on vacation.
****Pro Picks****
NE at NYJ-It's the battle of the GQ QBs. The Patriots are coming off their first loss at home since ER was on the air. (I know that's not accurate) Not a fan of Rex Ryan but he clearly has a good dentist. Mark Sanchez is always good for a pick 6 so I look for the Pats to rebound in a close game. The Brady Bunch 24-20.
NO at Atlanta-Atlanta is coming off a victory over one of the worst teams I have ever seen, while NO should hang their head in shame for losing to the Rams a couple of weeks ago. This will be close, but expect the Falcons to rise up ( I hate that commercial) at the Dome. Falcons- 28 Saints-27
Jacksonville at Indy-Yo Gabbert Gabbert ! ESPN, if you want to use that I'm cool with it. I accept AMEX, VISA, and MC. This game should be painful. The Colts may be the worst team I have ever seen, and I just adore Peyton Manning. Romeo Void may say, "Never Say Never", but I don't see how the Colts can beat anyone. Jags-14 Colts 7.
Washington at Miami-Skins take on Fins. Sounds like the hibachi special doesn't it? The Dolphins got that elusive first "W" last week while I assume John Beck makes frequent visits to the pain specialist. Can the Dolphins carry their one game win streak to victory deaux? Why not? I know Jason Taylor is old in NFL years but I think he will meet Mr. Beck. Fins 17 Skins-14
Finally, NYG at SF. Elmer& the boys are coming off a big win over NE, while SF is winning, apparently without tiger's blood. SF thinks "Nothing Is Gonna Stop Us Now" in their division. Giants will be a little flat, so I think the 49ers get another "W". 49ers-17 Giants-14.
VT at GT-Supposedly this game is on right now but I have no idea what is happening. My husband has it on some horrible "sitcom", and he has the audacity to think I'm not funny? Puhlease. I noticed my neighbors put up their GT flag this week. That is a sure sign they will lose. The Hokey Pokey will turn themselves around. That's what it's all about. VT- 28 GT-21
UGA vs Auburn-UGA showed New Mexico St who was top dog while Auburn has been hot and cold since Sir Cam left. This game is in Athens and generally the visitor wins, I think? This is what we call fact checking. I just scanned my stellar memory that can't recall anyone's name, but I know the words to every obscure song one could imagine and came up with the visitor factoid. UGA hasn't beaten anyone decent (sorry, it's true) and Auburn is suspect. I know I'm not supposed to say this but I think Auburn wins. 28-24. Ick!
Miami at FSU- Remember when this game would have garnered a countdown clock on ESPN? Well they both joined the ACC. Miami beat Duke (yawn) and FSU hasn't exactly been consistent. I expect defense will not be present during roll call. This one is tough. The spirit of Bobby Bowden in a squeaker 38-35.
Oregon at Stanford- Duck vs Luck. The quack attack strolls into Palo Alto while Andrew Luck wonders if he should accept Peyton Manning's FB friend request. The prognosticators are drooling over this one! Stanford is undefeated while Oregon suffered an early loss to LSU. Oregon will try to ruffle the Cardinal feathers, but I think the team with the most Luck wins. Stanford 45-42. Again, I expect defense to be on vacation.
****Pro Picks****
NE at NYJ-It's the battle of the GQ QBs. The Patriots are coming off their first loss at home since ER was on the air. (I know that's not accurate) Not a fan of Rex Ryan but he clearly has a good dentist. Mark Sanchez is always good for a pick 6 so I look for the Pats to rebound in a close game. The Brady Bunch 24-20.
NO at Atlanta-Atlanta is coming off a victory over one of the worst teams I have ever seen, while NO should hang their head in shame for losing to the Rams a couple of weeks ago. This will be close, but expect the Falcons to rise up ( I hate that commercial) at the Dome. Falcons- 28 Saints-27
Jacksonville at Indy-Yo Gabbert Gabbert ! ESPN, if you want to use that I'm cool with it. I accept AMEX, VISA, and MC. This game should be painful. The Colts may be the worst team I have ever seen, and I just adore Peyton Manning. Romeo Void may say, "Never Say Never", but I don't see how the Colts can beat anyone. Jags-14 Colts 7.
Washington at Miami-Skins take on Fins. Sounds like the hibachi special doesn't it? The Dolphins got that elusive first "W" last week while I assume John Beck makes frequent visits to the pain specialist. Can the Dolphins carry their one game win streak to victory deaux? Why not? I know Jason Taylor is old in NFL years but I think he will meet Mr. Beck. Fins 17 Skins-14
Finally, NYG at SF. Elmer& the boys are coming off a big win over NE, while SF is winning, apparently without tiger's blood. SF thinks "Nothing Is Gonna Stop Us Now" in their division. Giants will be a little flat, so I think the 49ers get another "W". 49ers-17 Giants-14.
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Men -What do they notice?
This is going to be long, so if you tune out early, I don't mind. I admit it! I am totally and completely fascinated by how our culture views men and women. It is a topic I love to read about ( I am a voracious reader,but I can't vouch for the quality of what I read as of late) and discuss. And lately, I have read a myriad of articles lamenting that men and women are nothing alike. Women notice everything while men notice nothing. Mmmmm...really? More on that in a sec...
Anyway, I find it interesting that in our culture as men age they are frequently described as "distinguished" whereas women become "old." What???I have read numerous articles as of late (written by men) declaring they never notice what a woman wears, her hair or if she has gained a few pounds. CACA!!! I have never, ever believed that and I certainly don't now. Please!!! Every male I ever dated or befriended can produce a long laundry list of my actual and alleged flaws and then some (I like to refer to some of those as quirks). As a matter of fact, I am insulted that those crazy fabrications are even published. And I read a ton of fabrications! Let's take Ashton and Demi. Were you expecting that? I wasn't, but I don't know them, and I thought a celebrity analogy would be appropriate for this section. Admittedly, I am not a fan of either, but I have seen several recent headlines describing alleged issues in their relationship (this goes back to the quality of the publications I read at this juncture in my life). One headline declares she is "starving to keep up with younger women" to retain his attention. Personally, I don't know or care what happens in their relationship, but from viewing some recent photos, Demi may want to up the crumb count because girl could impale someone with those elbows. Don't tell me he hasn't noticed. It may not be a hot topic of conversation, but it is always noticed! Did I really just write about Ashton and Demi? Yes, I think I just did.
So, since I love sports and those female sideline reporters garner much attention, I decided to conduct an ultra scientific survey. I have read that these women are inundated with emails each day telling them they "shouldn't wear that color on air" or letting them know they " look like they have gained weight." That's something we all love to hear! People really take the time to email someone to tell them that wearing yellow on air makes them look like they have jaundice? Or they look like they should cut out those trips to the buffet? Like the person isn't aware? And yes, I am about to do the same thing later in this blog, but I'm not emailing or tweeting anyone to tell them to get a new hairdresser. Note to society, if it takes you 15 minutes to button your pants and you feel your liver wrap around your larynx when they are finally zipped, it's not necessary to suggest someone lay off the cookies. Speaking of cookies, I would love a cookie right now but I don't keep those in the house. Oh, back to what I was saying..It may not be discussed, but it is duly noted and no investigation by Lt Caffey is necessary. We get it. Everyone has an opinion!
So I decided to poll 10 males I like and trust, and asked their thoughts on some female reporters..Actually, I trusted they would respond with witty, honest answers and they all delivered as suspected. Unfortunately, one responded with pretty much the same non-printable response on all, so I was left with 9 opinions. And these guys had many thoughts, But I have to say, I was surprised and amused by what I read. Drum roll:
Erin Andrews-I was fully expecting a collective bucket of drool from survey respondents. Many oohed and ahhed, but some noted that while she was tall, blond and hot, they found her talentless and annoying. Maybe so, but I bet they would turn into a pile of putty around Erin. Erin is willowy, blond and has a sweet gig. However, whenever I see her I am reminded of that 911 call where she compares herself to Britney Spears. Crickets. I will stay quiet.
Suzi Kolber- The overwhelming majority said "She's cute and knows her stuff. I would love to hang out with her." She is adorable isn't she? However, one respondent noted that Suzi was a bit happy with the hairspray and needed to ease up on the smile. She was too happy. Really? Is gloom more attractive? I thought men didn't notice these things?
The most polarizing individual was Rachel Nichols. Several said she was hot, but one mentioned he thought she was on a "British dental plan" while another said she was bland and needed to address the dark circles under her eyes. Brutal! Another said her butt was just too much for them. I think Rachel is cute, and I certainly can't crucify the woman for having dark circles and a big butt. I have such dark circles that when I mentioned some new treatment for them, my 6 year old said, "it's going to take more than cream to fix those." When I turned to my 8 yr old for a 2nd opinion, he just looked at me and said ,"maybe the doctor could fix those Mommy." This is why I had a 3rd child. I will train this one to tell me what I want to hear. Maybe that is why I like Rachel? No matter how thin I am, the booty remains. Rachel take a vacation and get some sleep. Me, my butt and dark circles would happily fill in for you! Maybe I can get Sir Mix-a-Lot to make a special guest appearance? xoxox
Michelle Beadle- I think I misspelled this again. She's on Sportsnation with Colin Cowherd! Love them both on the show. While Michelle was unanimously described as "cool and smart", Colin did not escape the wrath of these alleged non-observant men. He was described as some words I won't print and a booger eater. I heart Colin. He cracks himself up and that makes me laugh.
I didn't ask about Holly Rowe, but from one female to another I want to share some advice. Holly, the spirit of Michael Jackson has called and wants his "Thriller" jacket back. What is up with those crazy red or black pleather jackets you wear on the sidelines? I know it's hot under the lights and sun, but blotting paper is our friend. Trust me, I've been there.
What did I learn from this experiment? Exactly what I suspected. Men do notice that stuff, but they don't always discuss it or analyze it like women do. And for cathartic yet poor literary purposes, I just wrote about it.
*****Disclaimer*************As always, this is my crazy opinion and reflects nothing but my sleep deprived opinion. Yes, yes, yes. I am well aware that commas are in the wrong place, and I wouldn't wager a limb for grammatical accuracy.
Anyway, I find it interesting that in our culture as men age they are frequently described as "distinguished" whereas women become "old." What???I have read numerous articles as of late (written by men) declaring they never notice what a woman wears, her hair or if she has gained a few pounds. CACA!!! I have never, ever believed that and I certainly don't now. Please!!! Every male I ever dated or befriended can produce a long laundry list of my actual and alleged flaws and then some (I like to refer to some of those as quirks). As a matter of fact, I am insulted that those crazy fabrications are even published. And I read a ton of fabrications! Let's take Ashton and Demi. Were you expecting that? I wasn't, but I don't know them, and I thought a celebrity analogy would be appropriate for this section. Admittedly, I am not a fan of either, but I have seen several recent headlines describing alleged issues in their relationship (this goes back to the quality of the publications I read at this juncture in my life). One headline declares she is "starving to keep up with younger women" to retain his attention. Personally, I don't know or care what happens in their relationship, but from viewing some recent photos, Demi may want to up the crumb count because girl could impale someone with those elbows. Don't tell me he hasn't noticed. It may not be a hot topic of conversation, but it is always noticed! Did I really just write about Ashton and Demi? Yes, I think I just did.
So, since I love sports and those female sideline reporters garner much attention, I decided to conduct an ultra scientific survey. I have read that these women are inundated with emails each day telling them they "shouldn't wear that color on air" or letting them know they " look like they have gained weight." That's something we all love to hear! People really take the time to email someone to tell them that wearing yellow on air makes them look like they have jaundice? Or they look like they should cut out those trips to the buffet? Like the person isn't aware? And yes, I am about to do the same thing later in this blog, but I'm not emailing or tweeting anyone to tell them to get a new hairdresser. Note to society, if it takes you 15 minutes to button your pants and you feel your liver wrap around your larynx when they are finally zipped, it's not necessary to suggest someone lay off the cookies. Speaking of cookies, I would love a cookie right now but I don't keep those in the house. Oh, back to what I was saying..It may not be discussed, but it is duly noted and no investigation by Lt Caffey is necessary. We get it. Everyone has an opinion!
So I decided to poll 10 males I like and trust, and asked their thoughts on some female reporters..Actually, I trusted they would respond with witty, honest answers and they all delivered as suspected. Unfortunately, one responded with pretty much the same non-printable response on all, so I was left with 9 opinions. And these guys had many thoughts, But I have to say, I was surprised and amused by what I read. Drum roll:
Erin Andrews-I was fully expecting a collective bucket of drool from survey respondents. Many oohed and ahhed, but some noted that while she was tall, blond and hot, they found her talentless and annoying. Maybe so, but I bet they would turn into a pile of putty around Erin. Erin is willowy, blond and has a sweet gig. However, whenever I see her I am reminded of that 911 call where she compares herself to Britney Spears. Crickets. I will stay quiet.
Suzi Kolber- The overwhelming majority said "She's cute and knows her stuff. I would love to hang out with her." She is adorable isn't she? However, one respondent noted that Suzi was a bit happy with the hairspray and needed to ease up on the smile. She was too happy. Really? Is gloom more attractive? I thought men didn't notice these things?
The most polarizing individual was Rachel Nichols. Several said she was hot, but one mentioned he thought she was on a "British dental plan" while another said she was bland and needed to address the dark circles under her eyes. Brutal! Another said her butt was just too much for them. I think Rachel is cute, and I certainly can't crucify the woman for having dark circles and a big butt. I have such dark circles that when I mentioned some new treatment for them, my 6 year old said, "it's going to take more than cream to fix those." When I turned to my 8 yr old for a 2nd opinion, he just looked at me and said ,"maybe the doctor could fix those Mommy." This is why I had a 3rd child. I will train this one to tell me what I want to hear. Maybe that is why I like Rachel? No matter how thin I am, the booty remains. Rachel take a vacation and get some sleep. Me, my butt and dark circles would happily fill in for you! Maybe I can get Sir Mix-a-Lot to make a special guest appearance? xoxox
Michelle Beadle- I think I misspelled this again. She's on Sportsnation with Colin Cowherd! Love them both on the show. While Michelle was unanimously described as "cool and smart", Colin did not escape the wrath of these alleged non-observant men. He was described as some words I won't print and a booger eater. I heart Colin. He cracks himself up and that makes me laugh.
I didn't ask about Holly Rowe, but from one female to another I want to share some advice. Holly, the spirit of Michael Jackson has called and wants his "Thriller" jacket back. What is up with those crazy red or black pleather jackets you wear on the sidelines? I know it's hot under the lights and sun, but blotting paper is our friend. Trust me, I've been there.
What did I learn from this experiment? Exactly what I suspected. Men do notice that stuff, but they don't always discuss it or analyze it like women do. And for cathartic yet poor literary purposes, I just wrote about it.
*****Disclaimer*************As always, this is my crazy opinion and reflects nothing but my sleep deprived opinion. Yes, yes, yes. I am well aware that commas are in the wrong place, and I wouldn't wager a limb for grammatical accuracy.
Friday, November 4, 2011
FB friends dwindle and picks for the week
So, I have written 2 quasi serious blog posts but I have not hit publish. Not sure if I am ready for serious...yet. I mean, I don't want to appear as if I am prepping for an episode of Dr. Phil. As a side note, I wonder if there is a double secret hiding place tally of people of peeps who unfriend you on FB? If so, I may be winning. I try to avoid anything too serious on FB, but alas, you can't please everyone. Maybe I have cooties? I'm just not that hip as a grownup as I am surrounded by Bieber, iCarly and Victorious Jackson talk. Not to mention, US Weekly isn't exactly Pulitzer prize winning material so my brain doesn't always process serious matters as well as it once did. Scratch that. I decide what I want to process at this point. Sigh. I guess I will just feel the way I did when I was 13. When I am down to 1 "friend", I will just have to like everything I say. Mwack mwack mwack. Was that a mini pity party? Where were the chip and margaritas?
It's a big week in football! The game of the century occurs this weekend when wacky Les Miles faces off against the stern face of Nick Saban. Mmmmm. More on that later.
South Carolina at Arkansas-Darth Visor heads to Woo Pig Sooey. I don't know what to think of either. Hogs or Gamecocks. SEC teams have some wacky mascots, eh? I say the Hogs wallow out the win 21-17.
Virginia at Maryland-The Cavs are on a roll and have knocked off GT and da U. However, in typical ACC form, they will lose unexpectedly. Maybe Maryland will blind them with this week's hideous get up. Perhaps they line up real turtles with checker boards painted on their shells at the line of scrimmage? Terps protect a house made of cards in an upset 24-20
Notre Dame at Wake Forest-Notre Dame hasn't been anything to watch since Brady Quinn (aka BQ) left. He was their equivalent to Sunshine in "Remember the Titans"...Haute! Neither team is predictable or reliable, but let's go with the Demon Deacons in this "defense will be absent during roll call" match up. WF-38 ND- 35
Kansas State vs Oklahoma State-The Cowboys will lose to someone (yes, I am well aware the other Cowboys have lost to several people this season), but I say they survive a close one. The great thing about the game is that there will be multiple players named Gunner, Shooter, Wyatt, and Dusty playing. Cowboys 35 K State 24
****Game of a lifetime according to prognosticators at ESPN*** LSU vs Alabama-Everything should tell you to pick Alabama as they are at home and it "feels" like they should win. But never count those wacky Bayou Bengals out of a game. However, they also can't be trusted which you should know if you have ever watched an episode of "Fatal Attractions" on Animal Planet. The camera will pan to those twins in the Bear Bryant hats but I think LSU squeaks out the win 17-14.
And finally, I enlisted the help of my 6 year old with this next pick. UGA takes on New Mexico. I asked my Fi-nom what she saw in store for the Bulldogs with a depleted back field due to some failed tests. (I didn't get into specifics). And this is what she sees for them after "Losing Isaiah" the Bulldog version...
Yes, that's us making the "W" not the "U" sign. The baby was adding some background commentary and the dog was just hoping for crumbs to drop. We have an industrial size garbage can for all to see. And yes, I am wearing a crown along with our best, "Shiny, Happy People" faces (key up REM). We keep it real!
It's a big week in football! The game of the century occurs this weekend when wacky Les Miles faces off against the stern face of Nick Saban. Mmmmm. More on that later.
South Carolina at Arkansas-Darth Visor heads to Woo Pig Sooey. I don't know what to think of either. Hogs or Gamecocks. SEC teams have some wacky mascots, eh? I say the Hogs wallow out the win 21-17.
Virginia at Maryland-The Cavs are on a roll and have knocked off GT and da U. However, in typical ACC form, they will lose unexpectedly. Maybe Maryland will blind them with this week's hideous get up. Perhaps they line up real turtles with checker boards painted on their shells at the line of scrimmage? Terps protect a house made of cards in an upset 24-20
Notre Dame at Wake Forest-Notre Dame hasn't been anything to watch since Brady Quinn (aka BQ) left. He was their equivalent to Sunshine in "Remember the Titans"...Haute! Neither team is predictable or reliable, but let's go with the Demon Deacons in this "defense will be absent during roll call" match up. WF-38 ND- 35
Kansas State vs Oklahoma State-The Cowboys will lose to someone (yes, I am well aware the other Cowboys have lost to several people this season), but I say they survive a close one. The great thing about the game is that there will be multiple players named Gunner, Shooter, Wyatt, and Dusty playing. Cowboys 35 K State 24
****Game of a lifetime according to prognosticators at ESPN*** LSU vs Alabama-Everything should tell you to pick Alabama as they are at home and it "feels" like they should win. But never count those wacky Bayou Bengals out of a game. However, they also can't be trusted which you should know if you have ever watched an episode of "Fatal Attractions" on Animal Planet. The camera will pan to those twins in the Bear Bryant hats but I think LSU squeaks out the win 17-14.
And finally, I enlisted the help of my 6 year old with this next pick. UGA takes on New Mexico. I asked my Fi-nom what she saw in store for the Bulldogs with a depleted back field due to some failed tests. (I didn't get into specifics). And this is what she sees for them after "Losing Isaiah" the Bulldog version...
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Cocktail Party Picks & Pro
You missed me last week, right? On a celebrity sleaze note, I read that Michael Lohan was charged with acting like a Lohan. I just realized his current girlfriend, Kate Major, launched Jon Gosselin for him. Obviously she has MAJORly bad taste in men....
So we have reached the point of the college football season where we know who is too legit to quit. So, without further adieu (I spoke with someone French today so I had to use that word), let's get this party started.
UGA vs Florida- Sigh...18 of the last 21 have been won by Florida. Each year when Florida is bad, the UGA fans say, "this is the year." Florida looks bad. Not Indianapolis Colts (more on them later) bad, but they just don't have swagger. UGA has rebounded after losing their first 2 games, but the teams they have beaten have a 1-15 record in conference (I think. Again, I don't have time to fact check. I rely on you guys for that!). If I pick UGA, the Gators will win. So, let's try reverse psychology. Florida has lost 3 in a row and will rebound with a squeaker. Gators 21-17.
Stanford at USC-There are several teams vying for the services of Andrew Luck next season, but he will spread his Cardinal wings and head to land of the beautiful people. Lane Kiffin has been rather quiet as of late, so I think they pull off the upset. This is based on absolutely nothing. USC 28-Stanford 24 (gotta pick the underdogs on occassion)
Cal at UCLA- Everyone thinks the PAC 10 or 12 or 14 is tres' sexy. In reality, most of the teams are horrible because losing to Sacramento State is unforgivable. However, given UCLA's propensity to get into altercations as of late, HBO might pick this game up for Saturday night boxing. Da fake Bears- 31 Bruin Blue-14
Choklahoma at Kansas St- This looks like a hoops matchup but it's really a Stoops match up. Kansas State is really 7-0? Wow. Didn't know that but I look for Big Bobby and company to stroll into the other Manhattan and hand them their first loss. 38-27
Clemson at GT-It may be time to whip out the ACC version of some purple kool aid. GT has lost 2 in a row and Clemson is enjoying the spotlight. I know, I know. Clemson actually looks good this year, but I just don't think they can seal the deal. GT in an upset....28-24. Again, this is based on absolutely nothing.
PRO GAMES
Miami at the Giants-Miami is winless unless you count having Mark Anthony and Jennifer Lopez supporting your team as a victory. Tony Sparano is probably freshening up his resume as he is most certainly short for the Dolphin world. Andrew Luck is thinking the weather is lovely in south Florida. The best thing I can say about the Dolphins is that #99 looks haute in Dolphin gear. Add another loss to the schedule. Elmer & Co 31-24
Indy at Tennessee-Who would have thought the Colts would be so horrible? I love Peyton Manning but apparently he played defense as well. Rumors are flying that the Colts will trade Manning. I hope they aren't putting the hopes and dreams of the team on Curtis Painter. Remember the Titans in this one. Titans 20 Colts 14
Dallas at Philly-Jessica Simpson's dad is simmering because Tony Romo stole some publicity from the fam by saying he is going to be a dad. Will he name him Romeo Romo? The dream team has played somewhat like a nightmare and the Cowboys are the same as they are every year. Should be close. Philly 21-20.
SD at KC-I never believe the SD hype. Every year they are allegedly going to the Super Bowl. No, they aren't going this year either. The Chefs have improved but I don't buy them either. Can I sell on both? Rivers annoys me so I am taking the Chiefs 35-31
Finally..Detroit at Denver. Is this really Tebow/Moreno versus Stafford? Maybe. Detroit had some sizzle until that near fight between Schwartz and Harbaugh. And sorry to offend the Falcon faithful, but stop yapping to the media what was said on the field. No one expects players to say "I love those shoes" or "No, you take the ball please." However, the Lions look like they may have lost their roar. Granted, the Broncos aren't exactly solid, but they may win. Broncos 17-14.
So we have reached the point of the college football season where we know who is too legit to quit. So, without further adieu (I spoke with someone French today so I had to use that word), let's get this party started.
UGA vs Florida- Sigh...18 of the last 21 have been won by Florida. Each year when Florida is bad, the UGA fans say, "this is the year." Florida looks bad. Not Indianapolis Colts (more on them later) bad, but they just don't have swagger. UGA has rebounded after losing their first 2 games, but the teams they have beaten have a 1-15 record in conference (I think. Again, I don't have time to fact check. I rely on you guys for that!). If I pick UGA, the Gators will win. So, let's try reverse psychology. Florida has lost 3 in a row and will rebound with a squeaker. Gators 21-17.
Stanford at USC-There are several teams vying for the services of Andrew Luck next season, but he will spread his Cardinal wings and head to land of the beautiful people. Lane Kiffin has been rather quiet as of late, so I think they pull off the upset. This is based on absolutely nothing. USC 28-Stanford 24 (gotta pick the underdogs on occassion)
Cal at UCLA- Everyone thinks the PAC 10 or 12 or 14 is tres' sexy. In reality, most of the teams are horrible because losing to Sacramento State is unforgivable. However, given UCLA's propensity to get into altercations as of late, HBO might pick this game up for Saturday night boxing. Da fake Bears- 31 Bruin Blue-14
Choklahoma at Kansas St- This looks like a hoops matchup but it's really a Stoops match up. Kansas State is really 7-0? Wow. Didn't know that but I look for Big Bobby and company to stroll into the other Manhattan and hand them their first loss. 38-27
Clemson at GT-It may be time to whip out the ACC version of some purple kool aid. GT has lost 2 in a row and Clemson is enjoying the spotlight. I know, I know. Clemson actually looks good this year, but I just don't think they can seal the deal. GT in an upset....28-24. Again, this is based on absolutely nothing.
PRO GAMES
Miami at the Giants-Miami is winless unless you count having Mark Anthony and Jennifer Lopez supporting your team as a victory. Tony Sparano is probably freshening up his resume as he is most certainly short for the Dolphin world. Andrew Luck is thinking the weather is lovely in south Florida. The best thing I can say about the Dolphins is that #99 looks haute in Dolphin gear. Add another loss to the schedule. Elmer & Co 31-24
Indy at Tennessee-Who would have thought the Colts would be so horrible? I love Peyton Manning but apparently he played defense as well. Rumors are flying that the Colts will trade Manning. I hope they aren't putting the hopes and dreams of the team on Curtis Painter. Remember the Titans in this one. Titans 20 Colts 14
Dallas at Philly-Jessica Simpson's dad is simmering because Tony Romo stole some publicity from the fam by saying he is going to be a dad. Will he name him Romeo Romo? The dream team has played somewhat like a nightmare and the Cowboys are the same as they are every year. Should be close. Philly 21-20.
SD at KC-I never believe the SD hype. Every year they are allegedly going to the Super Bowl. No, they aren't going this year either. The Chefs have improved but I don't buy them either. Can I sell on both? Rivers annoys me so I am taking the Chiefs 35-31
Finally..Detroit at Denver. Is this really Tebow/Moreno versus Stafford? Maybe. Detroit had some sizzle until that near fight between Schwartz and Harbaugh. And sorry to offend the Falcon faithful, but stop yapping to the media what was said on the field. No one expects players to say "I love those shoes" or "No, you take the ball please." However, the Lions look like they may have lost their roar. Granted, the Broncos aren't exactly solid, but they may win. Broncos 17-14.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Picks!
I just had a nutritious lunch consisting of Skittle and cashews. What would the Surgeon General say? Anyway, I try to avoid all things political in my blog, but I have readers in Alaska. Sarah? Bristol? Levi? I find it hilarious that someone wanting to be president has a reality show. There... I have officially alienated everyone!!
Wow! I am still on shock that Ohio State lost to Nebraska. What an epic and total collapse that was, much like John Edwards political career (bada bing). John, if you are reading this and I know you don't, I liked you back in the day. However, it was incredibly poor judgment to have that TV interview to say you didn't have an extra child when the Enquirer showed us otherwise. Keep up the charity work!
ACCCCCCCKKKKKKK! I just lost half of my blog...GRRRRRRR. It was a good one too. Thanks Mr. Computer!!!
Florida at Auburn-Flo-Rida was spun right round, baby like a record by LSU(sadly they will probably still beat UGA) while Auburn lost to the fighting Bobby Petrinos. Gotta go with Auburn at home. $28 (that was for you Daddy Newton! Your son is going to be a star in the NFL) Florida 20.
Georgia vs Vandy- Georgia has 4 in a row over...a W is a W! Always take the W...Vandy is just being Vandy. UGA 21- Vandy 10
USC at Cal-Lane Kiffin and company roll into Berkley while Cal is nothing write home about to ESPN. Did you know Mark Paul Gosselar aka Zach from Saved by the Bell played for USC? Actually, I think that was UCLA. Severe sleep deprivation allows me to say that, "Yeah, sounds accurate" is considered fact checking. Song girls 38- Bears 24
Oklahoma State at Texas-The Cowboys ride into town with a lasso hoping to hook those horns. HAAAA! Texas stunk it up against Stoops and company. Mack Brown probably thinks everyone leaving for the PAC 10 or SEC sounds like a great idea after all. Cowboys are sizzling so it's time to fizzle. Horns 24-17
Ohio State at Illinois-The Buckeyes completely melted down in the cornfields of Nebraska while the Zooker is saying "winner, winner Illini dinner!" Surely Adam Sandler and the guys will regroup and not allow themselves to be Zooked or Zookied or...something like that. OSU has a history of incredible players including 2 time Heisman winner Archie Griffin, Eddie George (I swear I almost typed Eddie Money), Cris Carter, Art #32455779089356779Schlicter, Kirk Herbstreit (okay maybe not but what a sweet gig he has) and James Laureanitus, the son of one of the Road Warriors. Would that make him Animal Jr or Hawk Jr.? No, Buckeyes bouce back in a tight game. 17-14
I can't vouch for anything in this blog, but I can tell you the Skittles were yummy. Peace out! Word to your mother. Get out of my dreams, get into my car. I'm walking on sunshine. Shake your money maker. I get knocked down, but I get up again. You're never gonna keep me down. When will I be loved??
Wow! I am still on shock that Ohio State lost to Nebraska. What an epic and total collapse that was, much like John Edwards political career (bada bing). John, if you are reading this and I know you don't, I liked you back in the day. However, it was incredibly poor judgment to have that TV interview to say you didn't have an extra child when the Enquirer showed us otherwise. Keep up the charity work!
ACCCCCCCKKKKKKK! I just lost half of my blog...GRRRRRRR. It was a good one too. Thanks Mr. Computer!!!
Florida at Auburn-Flo-Rida was spun right round, baby like a record by LSU(sadly they will probably still beat UGA) while Auburn lost to the fighting Bobby Petrinos. Gotta go with Auburn at home. $28 (that was for you Daddy Newton! Your son is going to be a star in the NFL) Florida 20.
Georgia vs Vandy- Georgia has 4 in a row over...a W is a W! Always take the W...Vandy is just being Vandy. UGA 21- Vandy 10
USC at Cal-Lane Kiffin and company roll into Berkley while Cal is nothing write home about to ESPN. Did you know Mark Paul Gosselar aka Zach from Saved by the Bell played for USC? Actually, I think that was UCLA. Severe sleep deprivation allows me to say that, "Yeah, sounds accurate" is considered fact checking. Song girls 38- Bears 24
Oklahoma State at Texas-The Cowboys ride into town with a lasso hoping to hook those horns. HAAAA! Texas stunk it up against Stoops and company. Mack Brown probably thinks everyone leaving for the PAC 10 or SEC sounds like a great idea after all. Cowboys are sizzling so it's time to fizzle. Horns 24-17
Ohio State at Illinois-The Buckeyes completely melted down in the cornfields of Nebraska while the Zooker is saying "winner, winner Illini dinner!" Surely Adam Sandler and the guys will regroup and not allow themselves to be Zooked or Zookied or...something like that. OSU has a history of incredible players including 2 time Heisman winner Archie Griffin, Eddie George (I swear I almost typed Eddie Money), Cris Carter, Art #32455779089356779Schlicter, Kirk Herbstreit (okay maybe not but what a sweet gig he has) and James Laureanitus, the son of one of the Road Warriors. Would that make him Animal Jr or Hawk Jr.? No, Buckeyes bouce back in a tight game. 17-14
I can't vouch for anything in this blog, but I can tell you the Skittles were yummy. Peace out! Word to your mother. Get out of my dreams, get into my car. I'm walking on sunshine. Shake your money maker. I get knocked down, but I get up again. You're never gonna keep me down. When will I be loved??
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Psychic powers and is Barnes & Nobles the new love connector?
Hola! Let's cut to the chase. I give readings. No, I don't claim to be on of Dionne Warwick's psychic friends or Sylvia Browning (although I have had an unfortunate teenage run in with Sun In which gave me Syl's hair color), but I am rather accurate. It sounds crazy, but I have read a great deal about how the mind "knows" the answers, but we block the receptors with junk, like watching "Khloe & Lamar" or "The Real Housewives of .." The worst part of reading cards for someone is that they don't always like the answer. So, people have a tendency to ask questions they already know the answers, but are hoping someone else will tell them something different. Sister Sweet T will not do that! Nada! This is why therapists and psychics are popular and busy. To quote the Thompson Twins, "Lies, Lies, Lies yeah!" Want to know something? Ask and I won't charge by the minute or tell you that you have a dark spell cast by a former friend that requires several sessions at 3 hundy a pop to remove.
On a different note, I have this friend named John. John is just a wonderful, funny guy and a very devoted dad. John, if you are reading this garbage, please know I adore you as you always make me laugh!! Also, when you are ready to date, I have a surefire strategy we are going to implement that includes your prior work with homeless kids and animals to turn the ladies into a pile of putty. Trust me, every politician will try to steal this platform! John is recently divorced and it has been a challenging situation for him. Lo and behold he called yesterday to tell me he was perusing the self help aisle at Barnes & Nobles (I think they are still in biz) when someone chatted him up and gave him her digits. What??? As another friend would say "Roll up, it's a hold up!" I thought this all happened in the frozen foods section in the grocery store? Years ago, I believed that unfortunate article advising women to search for love among the Lean Cuisines and Hagen Daz. I decided to befriend Hagen Daz and it really liked my butt, but that is another story. But how do these situations occur? Hypothetically, it could go down something like this....
X-"I see you are reading Martha Stewart's magazine. I like to cook and was in prison for tax evasion."
Y-"Seriously? That's incredible. I haven't paid taxes in years so maybe we should grab a bite to eat sometime."
*****Note to the IRS*****This is a fabricated situation and is for humor purposes only. I love and support you*****************
Anyway, back to John. The ink isn't dry on the divorce decree but it's time to get him a shirt that says, "Don't Hate the Player, Hate the Game." However, I did tell him to stay away from college students, psychopaths, people who have been on reality shows, women who have been married so many times they can't remember the names of all of their ex-husbands, and women who have so much baggage that it's more reminiscent of a 24 piece set of luggage. I consider this sound advice!
Btw, my husband doesn't think my blog is funny. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Football picks up tomorrow..
On a different note, I have this friend named John. John is just a wonderful, funny guy and a very devoted dad. John, if you are reading this garbage, please know I adore you as you always make me laugh!! Also, when you are ready to date, I have a surefire strategy we are going to implement that includes your prior work with homeless kids and animals to turn the ladies into a pile of putty. Trust me, every politician will try to steal this platform! John is recently divorced and it has been a challenging situation for him. Lo and behold he called yesterday to tell me he was perusing the self help aisle at Barnes & Nobles (I think they are still in biz) when someone chatted him up and gave him her digits. What??? As another friend would say "Roll up, it's a hold up!" I thought this all happened in the frozen foods section in the grocery store? Years ago, I believed that unfortunate article advising women to search for love among the Lean Cuisines and Hagen Daz. I decided to befriend Hagen Daz and it really liked my butt, but that is another story. But how do these situations occur? Hypothetically, it could go down something like this....
X-"I see you are reading Martha Stewart's magazine. I like to cook and was in prison for tax evasion."
Y-"Seriously? That's incredible. I haven't paid taxes in years so maybe we should grab a bite to eat sometime."
*****Note to the IRS*****This is a fabricated situation and is for humor purposes only. I love and support you*****************
Anyway, back to John. The ink isn't dry on the divorce decree but it's time to get him a shirt that says, "Don't Hate the Player, Hate the Game." However, I did tell him to stay away from college students, psychopaths, people who have been on reality shows, women who have been married so many times they can't remember the names of all of their ex-husbands, and women who have so much baggage that it's more reminiscent of a 24 piece set of luggage. I consider this sound advice!
Btw, my husband doesn't think my blog is funny. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Football picks up tomorrow..
Monday, October 10, 2011
The Brady Bunch (not Tom & Giselle)
This must be a record! Have I really posted 3 days in a row? This may be a preemptive sign that the Apocalypse is upon us. No, the definitive sign of that is when the Olsen Twins announce a reality show. You know the premise, Ashley will have Mary Kate hidden in her handbag and they will celebrate the prank by splitting a Cheerio for dinner and skyping with Bob Saget. It will be a ratings juggernaut!
Patrick? Are you still reading this? I am writing about other topics than football because you are the only guy I know who doesn't like or watch football but sustained a football injury. Consider that your shout out!
Have I ever told you guys how much I loved watching the Brady Bunch when I was a kid? I thought they were so cool because they lived in that groovy split level and had Alice to referee the arguments. I loved the episode where they went to Hawaii and Greg had that bad luck necklace which caused him to wipe out on the surfboard. To reinforce the evil forces, they played this specific tune each time the camera panned to the necklace.
My favorite episodes were when they sang...Like when they were the Silver Platters and tried to win the talent show to pay for the platter they had engraved for Carol and Mike's anniversary. That whack job Jan misunderstood the cost for the engraving, and the Brady kids had to get creative as to how to come up with the funds. I also loved when they were recording the song (I think this was before Greg became "Johnny Bravo") and Peter's voice was changing. "When it's time to change, then it's time to change. Don't fight the tide, come along for the ride, don't you see?" Move over Milli Vanilli. The Brady Bunch absolutely should have won best new artist! Those are Grammy winning lyrics if I say so myself. Yes, I have Brady Bunch CDs.
No, I loved the show because I wanted to be like Marcia. She had long, straight hair and was so cool. I could even relate to that episode where Marcia got smacked in the nose with the football. However, mine was a bit different. Michele Merchant closed the Barbie suitcase on my nose in 3rd grade and I wish she would have just broken it instead of bruising it severely. Michele, wherever you are, I hold that against you. If you were really a friend, you would have done a sister a favor and broken my nose so I could have gotten rhinoplastic surgery like I dreamed of doing. In reality, I was more like Jan. Socially awkward but definitely more creative than Jan. I would have never created an imaginary boyfriend and called him George Glass. I would have called him Simon LeBon or George Michael, although that relationship would probably have been as successful as Jan's was with George Glass...nonexistent!
In reality (and yes reality does exist in my world) I probably am more like Cindy. She had a lisp and I stuttered as a kid. And I think she always felt misunderstood and I probably am misunderstood. Yes, I just did an entire post on how I relate to the Brady Bunch. But did you notice I made no reference to Sam the butcher?
Later!
Patrick? Are you still reading this? I am writing about other topics than football because you are the only guy I know who doesn't like or watch football but sustained a football injury. Consider that your shout out!
Have I ever told you guys how much I loved watching the Brady Bunch when I was a kid? I thought they were so cool because they lived in that groovy split level and had Alice to referee the arguments. I loved the episode where they went to Hawaii and Greg had that bad luck necklace which caused him to wipe out on the surfboard. To reinforce the evil forces, they played this specific tune each time the camera panned to the necklace.
My favorite episodes were when they sang...Like when they were the Silver Platters and tried to win the talent show to pay for the platter they had engraved for Carol and Mike's anniversary. That whack job Jan misunderstood the cost for the engraving, and the Brady kids had to get creative as to how to come up with the funds. I also loved when they were recording the song (I think this was before Greg became "Johnny Bravo") and Peter's voice was changing. "When it's time to change, then it's time to change. Don't fight the tide, come along for the ride, don't you see?" Move over Milli Vanilli. The Brady Bunch absolutely should have won best new artist! Those are Grammy winning lyrics if I say so myself. Yes, I have Brady Bunch CDs.
No, I loved the show because I wanted to be like Marcia. She had long, straight hair and was so cool. I could even relate to that episode where Marcia got smacked in the nose with the football. However, mine was a bit different. Michele Merchant closed the Barbie suitcase on my nose in 3rd grade and I wish she would have just broken it instead of bruising it severely. Michele, wherever you are, I hold that against you. If you were really a friend, you would have done a sister a favor and broken my nose so I could have gotten rhinoplastic surgery like I dreamed of doing. In reality, I was more like Jan. Socially awkward but definitely more creative than Jan. I would have never created an imaginary boyfriend and called him George Glass. I would have called him Simon LeBon or George Michael, although that relationship would probably have been as successful as Jan's was with George Glass...nonexistent!
In reality (and yes reality does exist in my world) I probably am more like Cindy. She had a lisp and I stuttered as a kid. And I think she always felt misunderstood and I probably am misunderstood. Yes, I just did an entire post on how I relate to the Brady Bunch. But did you notice I made no reference to Sam the butcher?
Later!
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Google Me, Google You
This is sooooooo unlike me to update the blog while the SNF is on, but in the words of Aerosmith, "I'm Living on the Edge." That song doesn't even compare to one of the all time greatest hair band hits by Warrant (RIP Janie Lane) "Cherry Pie", but I wasn't sure how to incorporate that song into this paragraph as I am not Betty Crocker or auditioning to be a guest on Iron Chef.
Allegedly, you should google yourself to see what comes up in the search. Obviously, most of the teens I know have not done this as they would know that no privacy (I prefer the British pronunciation of priv-acy) settings means the entire world sees those pics you took of yourself posing provocatively in your undies in front of the mirror. Yeah, you think only Ethan and your 1498 friends see it but that's not the way that works. I have googled myself before , but decided to do a bit more of an indepth search. I know that I'm not incognito on this blog, but for research purposes let's say that my name is Tara Snookipops.
Lo and behold, there are 6 Tara Snookipops in the U.S. One is apparently an executive in Hollywood. I love celebrity sleaze, but have not achieved that kind of status in my life. Another Tara Snookipops is a volunteer firefighter. Definitely not me as I am terrified of heights so that trek up the ladder would make me panicky. She also has no security settings on her Weight Watchers blog, and her goal is to lose 75 pounds. Props to that Ms. Snookipops! I would like to drop 10, but after reading her blog all I wanted was a fork and a cake. Then there was the Tara Snookipops who is president of her sorority (haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!) and that is MOST definitely not me nor would have ever been me. Apparently, she is very involved in all things pan-hellenic and is using sisterhood to right the wrongs of the world. Another Tara Snookipops sells coffee mugs and looked like she walked out of an episode of "Jersey Shore." Nope, not me either. Good for all of these ladies for chasing their dreams, some minus sunscreen.
High up in the search I came across something that made me giggle. Someone had written the following post in the New York Times "Tara Snookipops is a Hot Tamale!" What????Could that be me? Did I have a secret admirer? Had this person caught me on a good hair day? Had the guy behind the counter at the Quik Trip used this forum to explain why he never makes me pay for a beverage? I was freaking giddy and on the verge of blushing. I was nervously getting ready to click on the link hoping that the author was David Beckham or at least Jason Taylor. Jason, if you ever read this (and I know you won't) I positively turned into a pile of putty after that ASPCA commercial you did with your dog. Yes, I am a pathetic individual. Back to the link. No, I clicked on the "Tara Snookipops is a Hot Tamale!" to discover that it was from an admirer, but not of this Tara. Apparently that Tara plays field hockey in NJ and is quite the object of affection of a gaggle of guys. Sigh....
What did I learn from this project? There is only one me, thankfully.
Allegedly, you should google yourself to see what comes up in the search. Obviously, most of the teens I know have not done this as they would know that no privacy (I prefer the British pronunciation of priv-acy) settings means the entire world sees those pics you took of yourself posing provocatively in your undies in front of the mirror. Yeah, you think only Ethan and your 1498 friends see it but that's not the way that works. I have googled myself before , but decided to do a bit more of an indepth search. I know that I'm not incognito on this blog, but for research purposes let's say that my name is Tara Snookipops.
Lo and behold, there are 6 Tara Snookipops in the U.S. One is apparently an executive in Hollywood. I love celebrity sleaze, but have not achieved that kind of status in my life. Another Tara Snookipops is a volunteer firefighter. Definitely not me as I am terrified of heights so that trek up the ladder would make me panicky. She also has no security settings on her Weight Watchers blog, and her goal is to lose 75 pounds. Props to that Ms. Snookipops! I would like to drop 10, but after reading her blog all I wanted was a fork and a cake. Then there was the Tara Snookipops who is president of her sorority (haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!) and that is MOST definitely not me nor would have ever been me. Apparently, she is very involved in all things pan-hellenic and is using sisterhood to right the wrongs of the world. Another Tara Snookipops sells coffee mugs and looked like she walked out of an episode of "Jersey Shore." Nope, not me either. Good for all of these ladies for chasing their dreams, some minus sunscreen.
High up in the search I came across something that made me giggle. Someone had written the following post in the New York Times "Tara Snookipops is a Hot Tamale!" What????Could that be me? Did I have a secret admirer? Had this person caught me on a good hair day? Had the guy behind the counter at the Quik Trip used this forum to explain why he never makes me pay for a beverage? I was freaking giddy and on the verge of blushing. I was nervously getting ready to click on the link hoping that the author was David Beckham or at least Jason Taylor. Jason, if you ever read this (and I know you won't) I positively turned into a pile of putty after that ASPCA commercial you did with your dog. Yes, I am a pathetic individual. Back to the link. No, I clicked on the "Tara Snookipops is a Hot Tamale!" to discover that it was from an admirer, but not of this Tara. Apparently that Tara plays field hockey in NJ and is quite the object of affection of a gaggle of guys. Sigh....
What did I learn from this project? There is only one me, thankfully.
Friday, October 7, 2011
Thoughts on Feedback, Imaginary Friends, and Week 5
So, I received feedback that "I will lose my following if I don't discuss the trials and tribulations of being a mom and just talk about football." Following? It's not like I am Jim Jones or anything and if I was, I would choose kool-aid that doesn't stain your mouth. And I certainly appreciate anyone taking or wasting the time to read my thoughts-I love it! However, I am going to toss in a snippet of life for entertainment.
Confession time! Did your kids have imaginary friends? Better yet, did you have an imaginary friend as a kid? I had several. Shocking, I know! Probably because I was super duper ultra shy I had imaginary friends. My closest imaginary friend was Timmy, a girl. We were BF until I outgrew her when I was around 4. I also had another group of imaginary friends named Babette, Jerrilynn ChapChap, and Lizzard Izzagonoli. Creative huh? Jerrilynn and Babette were sisters and Lizzard was an Italian tennis player. Some of you are probably thinking that was rather imaginative for a 2 or 3 year old while another segment is probably wondering why I am not in a padded room. So..let's talk about professional football!
I read that Peyton Manning would love to play this season. Why Peyton? Are you a glutton for punishment? He won't be able to help an 0-14 squad, so kick back and relax, Peyton. And don't watch your team. You will be depressed!
Packers at the Falcons-Funny things happen at the Georgia Dome, and I don't mean Kim Zolciak cheering on her hubby Kroy (a name that when said sounds like you have a jawbreaker lodged in your throat) Bierman. The Packers have swagger while the Falcons beat the Seahags last week. I think the Packers are mucho better, but again, strange things happen when the Falcons play at home. Falcons 20-17.
Jets at Patriots-Mr. GQ versus the original Mr. GQ. I don't see the hubbub regarding Mark Sanchez, but he is good for a pick 6. I know exactly why Tom Brady launched Bridget Moynahan for Giselle. Hello, she was a Victoria's Secret model and wore wings. Score! One guy not walking any fashion runways is Bill Belichick, but he can put together quite the team. Rumor has it the Patriots have a horrible defense, but the Jets get on my nerves. The Brady Bunch 28-24.
Chiefs at the Colts-I hope they are playing that song "What Have I Done to Deserve This" by the Pet Shop Boys when these teams come out on the field. The Chiefs scored a touchdown and managed to win last week, but I don't think this means they are improving. The Manning-less Colts are winless but did play the Bucs and Steelers close. Kerry Collins wondered why he came out of retirement and is happy to let Curtis "80s hair" Painter get knocked around. The Colts will win at some point, right? Let's say it happens this week. 21-14
Eagles at the Bills-My how the mighty have fallen! I thought the Eagles were supposed to be that and a bag of chips, while the Bills think their Harvard QB, Ryan Fitzpatrick, is the new Jim Kelly. Logic would say go with the Bills, but I have to think the Eagles turn it around at some point. Eagles 31-Bills 27
GAME OF THE WEEK
What????? Is MNF in Detroit? Jay Cutler was allegedly cheering on his former flame from "The Hills" on DWTS. I read she got the ax so maybe love is back in the air? Who cares! The last time MNF was in Detroit was back when apple was just a fruit, not a child or a company. The Bears have Paris Hilton's former flame Brian Urlacher, while Detroit has 3 of my favorite players in Stafford, Johnson and Suh. Is that a law office? The peeps in Detroit have to pumped about this game and the Tigers. Motor City baby! 35-24.
****Disclaimer****** Yes, I have misplaced commas and typos. I know it!
Confession time! Did your kids have imaginary friends? Better yet, did you have an imaginary friend as a kid? I had several. Shocking, I know! Probably because I was super duper ultra shy I had imaginary friends. My closest imaginary friend was Timmy, a girl. We were BF until I outgrew her when I was around 4. I also had another group of imaginary friends named Babette, Jerrilynn ChapChap, and Lizzard Izzagonoli. Creative huh? Jerrilynn and Babette were sisters and Lizzard was an Italian tennis player. Some of you are probably thinking that was rather imaginative for a 2 or 3 year old while another segment is probably wondering why I am not in a padded room. So..let's talk about professional football!
I read that Peyton Manning would love to play this season. Why Peyton? Are you a glutton for punishment? He won't be able to help an 0-14 squad, so kick back and relax, Peyton. And don't watch your team. You will be depressed!
Packers at the Falcons-Funny things happen at the Georgia Dome, and I don't mean Kim Zolciak cheering on her hubby Kroy (a name that when said sounds like you have a jawbreaker lodged in your throat) Bierman. The Packers have swagger while the Falcons beat the Seahags last week. I think the Packers are mucho better, but again, strange things happen when the Falcons play at home. Falcons 20-17.
Jets at Patriots-Mr. GQ versus the original Mr. GQ. I don't see the hubbub regarding Mark Sanchez, but he is good for a pick 6. I know exactly why Tom Brady launched Bridget Moynahan for Giselle. Hello, she was a Victoria's Secret model and wore wings. Score! One guy not walking any fashion runways is Bill Belichick, but he can put together quite the team. Rumor has it the Patriots have a horrible defense, but the Jets get on my nerves. The Brady Bunch 28-24.
Chiefs at the Colts-I hope they are playing that song "What Have I Done to Deserve This" by the Pet Shop Boys when these teams come out on the field. The Chiefs scored a touchdown and managed to win last week, but I don't think this means they are improving. The Manning-less Colts are winless but did play the Bucs and Steelers close. Kerry Collins wondered why he came out of retirement and is happy to let Curtis "80s hair" Painter get knocked around. The Colts will win at some point, right? Let's say it happens this week. 21-14
Eagles at the Bills-My how the mighty have fallen! I thought the Eagles were supposed to be that and a bag of chips, while the Bills think their Harvard QB, Ryan Fitzpatrick, is the new Jim Kelly. Logic would say go with the Bills, but I have to think the Eagles turn it around at some point. Eagles 31-Bills 27
GAME OF THE WEEK
What????? Is MNF in Detroit? Jay Cutler was allegedly cheering on his former flame from "The Hills" on DWTS. I read she got the ax so maybe love is back in the air? Who cares! The last time MNF was in Detroit was back when apple was just a fruit, not a child or a company. The Bears have Paris Hilton's former flame Brian Urlacher, while Detroit has 3 of my favorite players in Stafford, Johnson and Suh. Is that a law office? The peeps in Detroit have to pumped about this game and the Tigers. Motor City baby! 35-24.
****Disclaimer****** Yes, I have misplaced commas and typos. I know it!
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Week 6..Is it? I can't keep up!
In the words of Culture Club, "I know you miss me, I know you miss me blind." Ack! I loathe that song, but I'm losing my clever. Anyway, I want to start by saying that I met a gentleman yesterday who has lost over 500 pounds. It was an amazing and impressive story. However, for some reason whenever I hear stories like that, I cannot stop thinking about food. As a matter of fact, I was famished listening to the story and could not take my mind off the fine offerings at the DQ. So to celebrate this amazing story, I shared a chocolate tartlet with a friend.
I'm not sure what week we are in so let's skip the specifics and get to the picks. Thanks http://cfn.scout.com Without you, I'm just me.
Cal at Oregon-The Bears visit the Ducks and their hideous outfits. I haven't heard much about Cal this year, but I know Adam "Mr. Jones" Duritz is frequently on the sidelines. He is most famous for having dating Courtney Cox and Jennifer Aniston. I guess they were still "Friends" after that. I don't think the Bears will ruffle any feathers so I like the Quack Attack 35-24
Oklahoma vs Texas-The Red River rivalry could be a thing of the past with that move to the glitzy PAC 10 , but I love any game where there is a ferris wheel outside the stadium. Is this Oklahoma's year to win it all? I mean they have a QB who absolutely must have been named after Tom Landry while Texas has a QB named Case (Colt's baby brother). Is there another McCoy brother waiting in the wings named Real? Maybe they only recruit guys names Cody, Wyatt and Shooter? I think Texas is in transition, so I like the Sooners 28-20.
UGA at The Big Orange- 2 schools intertwined in a variety of ways. Derek Dooley is the coach of UT while his dad is the legendary Vince-no last name necessary. Both schools have had mascot woes as Smokey had to be replaced due to biting someone while UGA has not officially replaced Bruce (I think that was his name). UGA has won 3 in a row with 2 sound defeats of the state of Mississippi, while TN has beaten..I have no clue. Arron Murray occasionally reminds me of Joe Cox which is not a good thing. Note to UGA, "What do we want? TD What's that? Touchdown." Skip the Blair Walsh show and let's not have "Rocky Top" ringing in our ears. Halloween may be near but red is more flattering than orange. Go Dawgs 21-17
Maryland at GT-After beating da U, Maryland has looked horrible, literally in those crazy, blindingly ugly uniforms, while GT is quietly winning. Looks like that Clemson/GT showdown in a couple of weeks could have ACC title implications (Yes, that was my Clemson love because I have to acknowledge them now). This game will be played in front of those 25 loyal GT fans and a student body adjusting their pocket protectors. I kid!! I think GT protects their house while the Terps suit up for another "What Not to Wear" episode. Bees 38 Terps-30
Florida at LSU-Wow! Florida was served up like Gator bites courtesy of the Tide last week. Now they roll into Death Valley, with the spirit of Jamarcus Russell looming. The purple drank will be flowing and this may get out of hand. No contest. Miles and Company 31-14.
Finally, Auburn at Arkansas. You have to hand it to Auburn, they find a way to win while the Bobby Petrinos rallied to beat future SEC bottom dweller, Texas A&M. Luck has to run out at some point, right? It may happen in front of a crowd chanting "Woo Pig Sooey!" I think they served that in the cafeteria in elementary school. Yes, the day after the bologna cup. Hogs 38-35.
Finally, Brett Favre is like Elvis isn't he? There is always a sighting...
I'm not sure what week we are in so let's skip the specifics and get to the picks. Thanks http://cfn.scout.com Without you, I'm just me.
Cal at Oregon-The Bears visit the Ducks and their hideous outfits. I haven't heard much about Cal this year, but I know Adam "Mr. Jones" Duritz is frequently on the sidelines. He is most famous for having dating Courtney Cox and Jennifer Aniston. I guess they were still "Friends" after that. I don't think the Bears will ruffle any feathers so I like the Quack Attack 35-24
Oklahoma vs Texas-The Red River rivalry could be a thing of the past with that move to the glitzy PAC 10 , but I love any game where there is a ferris wheel outside the stadium. Is this Oklahoma's year to win it all? I mean they have a QB who absolutely must have been named after Tom Landry while Texas has a QB named Case (Colt's baby brother). Is there another McCoy brother waiting in the wings named Real? Maybe they only recruit guys names Cody, Wyatt and Shooter? I think Texas is in transition, so I like the Sooners 28-20.
UGA at The Big Orange- 2 schools intertwined in a variety of ways. Derek Dooley is the coach of UT while his dad is the legendary Vince-no last name necessary. Both schools have had mascot woes as Smokey had to be replaced due to biting someone while UGA has not officially replaced Bruce (I think that was his name). UGA has won 3 in a row with 2 sound defeats of the state of Mississippi, while TN has beaten..I have no clue. Arron Murray occasionally reminds me of Joe Cox which is not a good thing. Note to UGA, "What do we want? TD What's that? Touchdown." Skip the Blair Walsh show and let's not have "Rocky Top" ringing in our ears. Halloween may be near but red is more flattering than orange. Go Dawgs 21-17
Maryland at GT-After beating da U, Maryland has looked horrible, literally in those crazy, blindingly ugly uniforms, while GT is quietly winning. Looks like that Clemson/GT showdown in a couple of weeks could have ACC title implications (Yes, that was my Clemson love because I have to acknowledge them now). This game will be played in front of those 25 loyal GT fans and a student body adjusting their pocket protectors. I kid!! I think GT protects their house while the Terps suit up for another "What Not to Wear" episode. Bees 38 Terps-30
Florida at LSU-Wow! Florida was served up like Gator bites courtesy of the Tide last week. Now they roll into Death Valley, with the spirit of Jamarcus Russell looming. The purple drank will be flowing and this may get out of hand. No contest. Miles and Company 31-14.
Finally, Auburn at Arkansas. You have to hand it to Auburn, they find a way to win while the Bobby Petrinos rallied to beat future SEC bottom dweller, Texas A&M. Luck has to run out at some point, right? It may happen in front of a crowd chanting "Woo Pig Sooey!" I think they served that in the cafeteria in elementary school. Yes, the day after the bologna cup. Hogs 38-35.
Finally, Brett Favre is like Elvis isn't he? There is always a sighting...
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Week 5 Picks
Aloha! Welcome to week 5 of college football . Before I make my picks which are based entirely on intuition, instinct, and what my decision maker machine says (thanks JCP!!) , I want to call caca on the keratin treatment. Allegedly, this was going to make hair care a breeze in lower humidity months. Phooey! I had smooth hair for exactly 36 hours. Thank goodness I did not indulge in the Brazilian version as those supposedly have high levels of formaldehyde. I need to keep those brain cells! My brain is frazzled so the humor is probably low in this post....
Nebraska at Wisconsin-Or the Cornhuskers versus the Badgers. Boring FB versus Really Boring Football. Nebraska was the first to start that mass exodus from the Big 12 (which is really now like the Big 2 and some crybabies who wanted to sue). Wisconsin is salivating at a Big 10 (actually 11, but who counts the teams anymore?) Championship now that they appear to be the creme de la creme this year. Badgers are rather stellar at Camp Randall, so I like the W in a boring game. 24-17
Michigan St vs Ohio State-Michigan State was humiliated by Notre Dame while Adam Sandler and company had a nice rebound against Colorado. If this coaching thing doesn't work out for OSU's coach, Luke Fickell, I see a starring role in "The Return of Happy Gilmore." Perhaps Rob Schneider will be coaching the special teams? I can't go with a team that was decimated by ND, so I will take "Big Daddy" and the Buckeyes at the Horseshoe. 17-13
Mississippi State vs UGA-Finally, the battle of the 2 cutest mascots in college football. I assume they engage in a bit of smack talk prior to the game, probably suggesting the other one get Botox or join Jenny Craig. Dan Mullen's team has had a rough year thus far, losing a heartbreaker (key up Pat Benatar) to Auburn. The real Bulldogs beat a horrible Ole Miss, uh, team last week. Winner, winner turkey dinner! This will be a close game, but I feel confident with my pick. Bulldogs baby!!! 28-21
Alabama at Florida- Nick Saban and the Tide travel to the Swamp to take on newbie coach and former Bulldog, Will Muschamp. Those Gator fans have a tendency to be obnoxious in their jean shorts, but they have been quietly winning (darn them!!!) I can't pull against a man who came out in a Dolphins tie and said he absolutely, unequivocally would not be the new coach at Alabama, only to wear an Alabama tie the next day. Maybe Lady Gaga wrote "Poker Face" about the Saban. Tide 21-20.
Finally, an ACC game for thought...Clemson at VT- I never believe the Clemson hype, but they have beaten Auburn and FSU. Is it time for me to drink the Tiger blood, er kool aid? Whenever they show Frank Beamer, I can't help but notice how long his teeth are and he can't close his mouth. Are long teeth genetic? And can you take yourself seriously with a name like Dabo? Or is it Dabeau? Is Dabeaux the Cajun version? Mais oui! If Clemson wins this week, I will give them some R-e-s-p-e-c-t, but don't start singing along with Aretha (or Urethra as I've heard before) just yet. Instead of "Enter Sandman" I think VT should play "The Hokey Pokey" when they come out on the field. No Clemson love yet. The Spirit of Deangelo Hall & Mike Vick 28-20.
As some of you know, I am not a big televsion watcher, but I do LOVE a show on the BBC, "Luther." It's ultra clever and stars Idris Alba as Luther. The voice will keep you mesmerized! It's a fantabulous show so check it out some time. That's my non paid PSA for the BBC America. Pro picks tomorrow!
Nebraska at Wisconsin-Or the Cornhuskers versus the Badgers. Boring FB versus Really Boring Football. Nebraska was the first to start that mass exodus from the Big 12 (which is really now like the Big 2 and some crybabies who wanted to sue). Wisconsin is salivating at a Big 10 (actually 11, but who counts the teams anymore?) Championship now that they appear to be the creme de la creme this year. Badgers are rather stellar at Camp Randall, so I like the W in a boring game. 24-17
Michigan St vs Ohio State-Michigan State was humiliated by Notre Dame while Adam Sandler and company had a nice rebound against Colorado. If this coaching thing doesn't work out for OSU's coach, Luke Fickell, I see a starring role in "The Return of Happy Gilmore." Perhaps Rob Schneider will be coaching the special teams? I can't go with a team that was decimated by ND, so I will take "Big Daddy" and the Buckeyes at the Horseshoe. 17-13
Mississippi State vs UGA-Finally, the battle of the 2 cutest mascots in college football. I assume they engage in a bit of smack talk prior to the game, probably suggesting the other one get Botox or join Jenny Craig. Dan Mullen's team has had a rough year thus far, losing a heartbreaker (key up Pat Benatar) to Auburn. The real Bulldogs beat a horrible Ole Miss, uh, team last week. Winner, winner turkey dinner! This will be a close game, but I feel confident with my pick. Bulldogs baby!!! 28-21
Alabama at Florida- Nick Saban and the Tide travel to the Swamp to take on newbie coach and former Bulldog, Will Muschamp. Those Gator fans have a tendency to be obnoxious in their jean shorts, but they have been quietly winning (darn them!!!) I can't pull against a man who came out in a Dolphins tie and said he absolutely, unequivocally would not be the new coach at Alabama, only to wear an Alabama tie the next day. Maybe Lady Gaga wrote "Poker Face" about the Saban. Tide 21-20.
Finally, an ACC game for thought...Clemson at VT- I never believe the Clemson hype, but they have beaten Auburn and FSU. Is it time for me to drink the Tiger blood, er kool aid? Whenever they show Frank Beamer, I can't help but notice how long his teeth are and he can't close his mouth. Are long teeth genetic? And can you take yourself seriously with a name like Dabo? Or is it Dabeau? Is Dabeaux the Cajun version? Mais oui! If Clemson wins this week, I will give them some R-e-s-p-e-c-t, but don't start singing along with Aretha (or Urethra as I've heard before) just yet. Instead of "Enter Sandman" I think VT should play "The Hokey Pokey" when they come out on the field. No Clemson love yet. The Spirit of Deangelo Hall & Mike Vick 28-20.
As some of you know, I am not a big televsion watcher, but I do LOVE a show on the BBC, "Luther." It's ultra clever and stars Idris Alba as Luther. The voice will keep you mesmerized! It's a fantabulous show so check it out some time. That's my non paid PSA for the BBC America. Pro picks tomorrow!
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Week 4 College Picks
Let's see who is playing this week..I would call this humor lite or maybe diet humor this episode.....
UGA vs.Ole Miss-Ole Miss got beat down by those smarty pants of Vandy (and it wasn't even in an operating room) while the Dawgs secured victory number one of the season against the Chanticleers . Really? What kind of name is that? This will be a close one, but I like UGA to win 28-20.
Arkansas vs. Bama- Or should I say Hogs versus the Tide? Sounds like some type of circus act or one of those Animal Planet Episodes of "When Animals Attack" doesn't it? Bobby Petrino vs Saban. This is a no-brainer. Saban 21-17
UCLA versus Oregon State- 2 really bad teams. Oregon St. lost to Sacramento State earlier this year and should have forfeited the remainder of their games after that debacle. Rick Neuheisel is probably feeling like a smore on a open fire as he was supposed to restore UCLA to the glory years. If you can't beat a team that lost to Sacramento State, then it's time to disband and go home. Bruins 35-14
UNC at GT- Bobby Dodd stadium will be packed with all 8 of the loyal GT fans,while UNC will stroll out in those unfortunate uniforms. I haven't seen either play this year, but I will take the fuzzy bees at home. 20-14
FSU at Clemson- Jimbo vs. Dabo. Only in the south! Clemson came from behind and handed Auburn their first loss in 16 games, I think. After the game, Dabo was acting all wacky like maybe he had been sipping on the purple drank during the game. Perhaps he was just so jubilant that he seemed a bit looney? Is this the year Clemson gets it done in the ACC? Not buying... FSU 31-21
UGA vs.Ole Miss-Ole Miss got beat down by those smarty pants of Vandy (and it wasn't even in an operating room) while the Dawgs secured victory number one of the season against the Chanticleers . Really? What kind of name is that? This will be a close one, but I like UGA to win 28-20.
Arkansas vs. Bama- Or should I say Hogs versus the Tide? Sounds like some type of circus act or one of those Animal Planet Episodes of "When Animals Attack" doesn't it? Bobby Petrino vs Saban. This is a no-brainer. Saban 21-17
UCLA versus Oregon State- 2 really bad teams. Oregon St. lost to Sacramento State earlier this year and should have forfeited the remainder of their games after that debacle. Rick Neuheisel is probably feeling like a smore on a open fire as he was supposed to restore UCLA to the glory years. If you can't beat a team that lost to Sacramento State, then it's time to disband and go home. Bruins 35-14
UNC at GT- Bobby Dodd stadium will be packed with all 8 of the loyal GT fans,while UNC will stroll out in those unfortunate uniforms. I haven't seen either play this year, but I will take the fuzzy bees at home. 20-14
FSU at Clemson- Jimbo vs. Dabo. Only in the south! Clemson came from behind and handed Auburn their first loss in 16 games, I think. After the game, Dabo was acting all wacky like maybe he had been sipping on the purple drank during the game. Perhaps he was just so jubilant that he seemed a bit looney? Is this the year Clemson gets it done in the ACC? Not buying... FSU 31-21
Friday, September 16, 2011
NFL Week 2
I'm baaaaack! I asked a friend of mine today if he thought I was going crazy. He said, "From a crazy person on the outside looking in, all crazy people seem the same. No, you don't seem any crazier." Huh? What a vote of confidence for my sanity! I will take that as a yes.
NFL Week 2 baby!!! I missed a few last week as I was positive Mark Sanchez was going to be good for a pick 6 at the very end of the Cowboys vs Jets.. If I remember correctly, he was good for a pick 6, but Tony Romeo was the goat in that game. Here we go:
Oakland vs Buffalo-Ryan Fitzpatrick graduated from Harvard, which is not typical of your NFL qb. Raiders are,well the Raiders. You just never know what will happen. Both of these teams have been sub par the past few years (even though the Raiders didn't lose a single game in the division last year. I think) . I'm going with Richard Seymour & Company. Raiders 17-Buffalo 13
KC vs Detroit-Could we call this Matt vs Matt? The Chefs looked like they were out to dinner last week and were literally served up on a platter. Matt Cassel will get Suh-ed. Stafford and Johnson, how may I direct your call? Lions 28- Chiefs-17
Cleveland vs Indianapolis-Two teams that looked dreadful last week for 2 different reasons. The Browns lost to the Bungles,which is simply shameful. The Colts are without their main Man-ning, and Kerry Collins was probably wondering last week by the end of the 1st why he came out of retirement. If this continues, the Colts may try to get Brett Favre off the tractor and in a Colts uniform. I expect an ugly game, but I look for the Jim Brown curse to continue. Colts 14-13
Chicago vs New Orleans-The Bears dismantled the Falcons while the Saints dropped one to the Packers. I don't think NO will Brees by(ha!!!!), but I expect the Bears to be a little flat. Maybe the cancellation of his engagement was good for the Cutler's game. Saints 31 Bears 24
San Diego vs New England-Not a fan of Phillip Rivers and his Jim Carrey haircut from "Dumb and Dumber." I know, I know. This is allegedly the Chargers' year. Yawn. I will believe it when I see it. The Brady Bunch 28 Chargers 24.
Finally, Michael Vick faces his former team the Atlanta Falcons. The Falcons needed MC Hammer or even Jerry Glanville to play offense and defense last week. Matty Ice made a Joe Cox move where he turned the ball over deep in Falcon territory so the Bears could just walk it in for the TD. I just realized this is a late game, and I love when the players introduce themselves! Falcons will try to show they are 2 legit 2 quit, while the Eagles are trying to live up to the "Dream Team" hype. Eh, I guess I will take the Falcons in a close one. Falcons 20 Eagles 17.
NFL Week 2 baby!!! I missed a few last week as I was positive Mark Sanchez was going to be good for a pick 6 at the very end of the Cowboys vs Jets.. If I remember correctly, he was good for a pick 6, but Tony Romeo was the goat in that game. Here we go:
Oakland vs Buffalo-Ryan Fitzpatrick graduated from Harvard, which is not typical of your NFL qb. Raiders are,well the Raiders. You just never know what will happen. Both of these teams have been sub par the past few years (even though the Raiders didn't lose a single game in the division last year. I think) . I'm going with Richard Seymour & Company. Raiders 17-Buffalo 13
KC vs Detroit-Could we call this Matt vs Matt? The Chefs looked like they were out to dinner last week and were literally served up on a platter. Matt Cassel will get Suh-ed. Stafford and Johnson, how may I direct your call? Lions 28- Chiefs-17
Cleveland vs Indianapolis-Two teams that looked dreadful last week for 2 different reasons. The Browns lost to the Bungles,which is simply shameful. The Colts are without their main Man-ning, and Kerry Collins was probably wondering last week by the end of the 1st why he came out of retirement. If this continues, the Colts may try to get Brett Favre off the tractor and in a Colts uniform. I expect an ugly game, but I look for the Jim Brown curse to continue. Colts 14-13
Chicago vs New Orleans-The Bears dismantled the Falcons while the Saints dropped one to the Packers. I don't think NO will Brees by(ha!!!!), but I expect the Bears to be a little flat. Maybe the cancellation of his engagement was good for the Cutler's game. Saints 31 Bears 24
San Diego vs New England-Not a fan of Phillip Rivers and his Jim Carrey haircut from "Dumb and Dumber." I know, I know. This is allegedly the Chargers' year. Yawn. I will believe it when I see it. The Brady Bunch 28 Chargers 24.
Finally, Michael Vick faces his former team the Atlanta Falcons. The Falcons needed MC Hammer or even Jerry Glanville to play offense and defense last week. Matty Ice made a Joe Cox move where he turned the ball over deep in Falcon territory so the Bears could just walk it in for the TD. I just realized this is a late game, and I love when the players introduce themselves! Falcons will try to show they are 2 legit 2 quit, while the Eagles are trying to live up to the "Dream Team" hype. Eh, I guess I will take the Falcons in a close one. Falcons 20 Eagles 17.
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Week 3 College Football Picks
I want to start this post off by saying I have been told that a keratin smoothing treatment can change your life. I can now tell you it has been a life altering experience! I feel exactly like Drew Barrymore probably did when she saw Michael Vartan on the mound at the end of "Never Been Kissed" (except I don't see Michael Vartan anywhere near me)
NFL picks will be up tomorrow, but I was 2-3 with those selections. Right now, the Colts are writing an early letter to Santa asking for a Peyton Manning twin via express delivery. I was 3-1 in my college picks last week, so here are the selections of the week:
Coastal Carolina vs UGA-It's finally here! The first "w" of the season for the Dawgs is within reach. Coastal Carolina is bringing their wacky coach to Athens to collect a nice check for playing the game. UGA had a tough week against Darth & Associates. The nail in the coffin was that Joe Cox 2.0 move Arron Murray pulled at the end when he fumbled deep in Dawg territory. The Dawgs are ready to win. 35-10.
Ohio State at Miami-The new OSU coach bears a striking resemblance to Adam Sandler. Had they lost to Toledo last week his next role would have been "The Waterboy". Alas, the Buckeyes squeaked out a victory. Miami looked a bit discombobulated while playing Maryland, but it could have been those Terp uniforms making them ill. These teams look similar as they both had some off season woes, but Miami should win. Canes 21-17.
Oklahoma at Florida State-Allegedly Stoops and the Sooners are ready for a switch to the PAC 10, because Norman and southern CA are so similar. I'm not sure if I buy the hype of any team playing in the ACC, and Oklahoma always drops one each year. However, it may be later in the year. I am living on the edge...Sooners 28 FSU 24.
Auburn at Clemson-Auburn is Newton-less, but they have carried their cardiac finishes over into this season. Hey, a win is a win. Clemson struggled against Wofford. Each year it's Clemson's year and each year they fail to capitalize on the opportunities. Auburn 35-Clemson 24.
Michigan State at Notre Dame-What happened to the luck of the Irish? Perhaps it's stuck in an expired box of Lucky Charms? Michigan State beat Youngstown State, so I am not sure they are all that and a bag of chips. Notre Dame's luck has to change at some point, right? Expect no D in this game. ND-38 Michigan State-35.
In closing, as I watched a snippet of the Alabama-Penn State game last week, I was reminded that at any moment Oliver Stone could be working on the epic motion picture "Joe Pa". I bet someone is in negotiations with Joe Pesci regarding that role as we speak. NFL picks up tomorrow, so stay tuned for more dazzling predictions and observations.
NFL picks will be up tomorrow, but I was 2-3 with those selections. Right now, the Colts are writing an early letter to Santa asking for a Peyton Manning twin via express delivery. I was 3-1 in my college picks last week, so here are the selections of the week:
Coastal Carolina vs UGA-It's finally here! The first "w" of the season for the Dawgs is within reach. Coastal Carolina is bringing their wacky coach to Athens to collect a nice check for playing the game. UGA had a tough week against Darth & Associates. The nail in the coffin was that Joe Cox 2.0 move Arron Murray pulled at the end when he fumbled deep in Dawg territory. The Dawgs are ready to win. 35-10.
Ohio State at Miami-The new OSU coach bears a striking resemblance to Adam Sandler. Had they lost to Toledo last week his next role would have been "The Waterboy". Alas, the Buckeyes squeaked out a victory. Miami looked a bit discombobulated while playing Maryland, but it could have been those Terp uniforms making them ill. These teams look similar as they both had some off season woes, but Miami should win. Canes 21-17.
Oklahoma at Florida State-Allegedly Stoops and the Sooners are ready for a switch to the PAC 10, because Norman and southern CA are so similar. I'm not sure if I buy the hype of any team playing in the ACC, and Oklahoma always drops one each year. However, it may be later in the year. I am living on the edge...Sooners 28 FSU 24.
Auburn at Clemson-Auburn is Newton-less, but they have carried their cardiac finishes over into this season. Hey, a win is a win. Clemson struggled against Wofford. Each year it's Clemson's year and each year they fail to capitalize on the opportunities. Auburn 35-Clemson 24.
Michigan State at Notre Dame-What happened to the luck of the Irish? Perhaps it's stuck in an expired box of Lucky Charms? Michigan State beat Youngstown State, so I am not sure they are all that and a bag of chips. Notre Dame's luck has to change at some point, right? Expect no D in this game. ND-38 Michigan State-35.
In closing, as I watched a snippet of the Alabama-Penn State game last week, I was reminded that at any moment Oliver Stone could be working on the epic motion picture "Joe Pa". I bet someone is in negotiations with Joe Pesci regarding that role as we speak. NFL picks up tomorrow, so stay tuned for more dazzling predictions and observations.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
The N-F-L (yes, those are my kids' initials) Week 1
I admit that I am terrified to look at my fantasy football team. Come to think of it, I need a different name for my fantasy football team as I usually name it after someone I went to high school with (clever huh?). No, I am afraid to look because I just hope I didn't draft Brett Favre or Jamarcus Russell. Yeah, I know they are both out of the league but that happened to someone one year. They drafted a retired QB. Anyway, let's make some predictions for week 1.
Falcons at da Bears-Jay Cutler ended his engagement with the reality star so maybe he is focusing on lowering the interceptions. Bears launched many players in the off season including Greg Olsen, so who knows what the offense will look like. Many say the Falcons are Super Bowl bound. Not sure I buy that but I will say Falcons 24-14
Lions at the Buccaneers- I am an honorary Lions fan as I just adore Matthew Stafford, Calvin Johnson and Ndamukong Suh (bet the telemarketers slaughter his name). Bucs have a good QB in Josh Freeman. If Stafford (and it is a big if) can stay healthy, the Lions might be good for a change. Oh, just Suh me for picking the Lions. 28-24
Cincy at Cleveland-It's probably a bad sign when your QB says he would rather retire than play for the Bengals, but that is what Carson Palmer said. The Bengals have a prize in former UGA WR A.J. Green, but can anyone get him the ball? Browns are trying to turn things around with Colt McCoy. This game will probably be ugly and Andy Dalton will need a visit to a pain specialist on Monday. Browns 17-6.
Dallas at NY Jets-It's the battle of 2 of the Hollywood lovin QBs. The Cowboys finally wised up and launched Roy Williams while the Jets are still yapping. I think Sanchez is good for a few picks this game. Cowboys 21-Jets 20
Colts at Houston-Is this finally the year the Texans live up to the hype? Not sure about that but I say no Peyton Manning, no win. Texans 35-24
And finally the Monday night game (I'm not counting Oakland at Denver) with the Patriots at Miami. Will Giselle be in the stands? Will the camera spend more time on Marc Anthony and JLO (separately of course) as they play that horrible Miami Dolphins theme song? Chad Henne got booed in practice, so I'm going with Brady & Associates. 28-14
Falcons at da Bears-Jay Cutler ended his engagement with the reality star so maybe he is focusing on lowering the interceptions. Bears launched many players in the off season including Greg Olsen, so who knows what the offense will look like. Many say the Falcons are Super Bowl bound. Not sure I buy that but I will say Falcons 24-14
Lions at the Buccaneers- I am an honorary Lions fan as I just adore Matthew Stafford, Calvin Johnson and Ndamukong Suh (bet the telemarketers slaughter his name). Bucs have a good QB in Josh Freeman. If Stafford (and it is a big if) can stay healthy, the Lions might be good for a change. Oh, just Suh me for picking the Lions. 28-24
Cincy at Cleveland-It's probably a bad sign when your QB says he would rather retire than play for the Bengals, but that is what Carson Palmer said. The Bengals have a prize in former UGA WR A.J. Green, but can anyone get him the ball? Browns are trying to turn things around with Colt McCoy. This game will probably be ugly and Andy Dalton will need a visit to a pain specialist on Monday. Browns 17-6.
Dallas at NY Jets-It's the battle of 2 of the Hollywood lovin QBs. The Cowboys finally wised up and launched Roy Williams while the Jets are still yapping. I think Sanchez is good for a few picks this game. Cowboys 21-Jets 20
Colts at Houston-Is this finally the year the Texans live up to the hype? Not sure about that but I say no Peyton Manning, no win. Texans 35-24
And finally the Monday night game (I'm not counting Oakland at Denver) with the Patriots at Miami. Will Giselle be in the stands? Will the camera spend more time on Marc Anthony and JLO (separately of course) as they play that horrible Miami Dolphins theme song? Chad Henne got booed in practice, so I'm going with Brady & Associates. 28-14
Friday, September 9, 2011
Football..Yay! Week 2
Football season really kicks into full gear this season with a plethora (love that word) or myriad (like that one too) of excellent college football games. I have read no other predictions and actually had to check my trusty source, http://cfn.scout.com to see who was playing. Yikes! Without further adieu, here are my selections:
Notre Dame at Michigan-Ah...2 teams the prognosticators desperately want to be in the BCS each year. Notre Dame lost to South Florida during a game that lasted 3 days because of a lightening storm. Okay I embellished, it only lasted around 10 hours. And they still lost! What happened to the luck of the Irish? The Wolverines launched Rich Rod for the Hokey Pokey, aka Brady Hoke. I don't really care, but I will take Michigan. 28-24.
Mississippi State at Auburn-Auburn squeaked it out last week against Utah State. Dan Mullen has quietly put together the college football juggernaut in the state of Mississippi (unless Brett Favre has formed a retirement league in his backyard. Maybe Bus is the recruiter?) Mmmm. I love Bulldogs. They are just adorable so I like Mississippi State in an ugly game as they aren't known for their offense. MSU- 17 Auburn 12
Bama at Penn State-It's a battle of wits or maybe who still has their wits with Saban versus the legend, Joe Pa. Joe Pa will celebrate his 122nd birthday this year on the sidelines and allegedly doesn't have plans to step down until the apocalypse occurs. Bama looked stellar in their game last week and Penn St plays in the Big 11. I think Bama's trip to Happy Valley will be quite happy. Bama-21 Penn State 14
Yes, I saved the best for last. After UGA stunk it up big time at the Georgia Dome in those Power Rangers uniforms, they are greeted with a visit from Darth Visor. The only thing positive about the way UGA played last week was that thankfully, there was no lightening delay. Actually, the only lightening we saw was Boise State blowing past UGA, offensively and defensively. CMR looks deflated and this week won't turn that frown upside down. My suggestions to Bobo and Richt would be to devise plays that would drive the ball down the field, attempt to score touchdowns, and get the ball to Branden Boykin. Yeah, after he scored last week they decided he shouldn't get the ball anymore. We all know how that worked out! South Carolina is led by Stephen Garcia and Marcus Lattimore. I believe honesty is the best policy and the Dawgs will lose. I wish they wouldn't but they will. The other USC 28- UGA 20
Up next? Pro football talk....
Notre Dame at Michigan-Ah...2 teams the prognosticators desperately want to be in the BCS each year. Notre Dame lost to South Florida during a game that lasted 3 days because of a lightening storm. Okay I embellished, it only lasted around 10 hours. And they still lost! What happened to the luck of the Irish? The Wolverines launched Rich Rod for the Hokey Pokey, aka Brady Hoke. I don't really care, but I will take Michigan. 28-24.
Mississippi State at Auburn-Auburn squeaked it out last week against Utah State. Dan Mullen has quietly put together the college football juggernaut in the state of Mississippi (unless Brett Favre has formed a retirement league in his backyard. Maybe Bus is the recruiter?) Mmmm. I love Bulldogs. They are just adorable so I like Mississippi State in an ugly game as they aren't known for their offense. MSU- 17 Auburn 12
Bama at Penn State-It's a battle of wits or maybe who still has their wits with Saban versus the legend, Joe Pa. Joe Pa will celebrate his 122nd birthday this year on the sidelines and allegedly doesn't have plans to step down until the apocalypse occurs. Bama looked stellar in their game last week and Penn St plays in the Big 11. I think Bama's trip to Happy Valley will be quite happy. Bama-21 Penn State 14
Yes, I saved the best for last. After UGA stunk it up big time at the Georgia Dome in those Power Rangers uniforms, they are greeted with a visit from Darth Visor. The only thing positive about the way UGA played last week was that thankfully, there was no lightening delay. Actually, the only lightening we saw was Boise State blowing past UGA, offensively and defensively. CMR looks deflated and this week won't turn that frown upside down. My suggestions to Bobo and Richt would be to devise plays that would drive the ball down the field, attempt to score touchdowns, and get the ball to Branden Boykin. Yeah, after he scored last week they decided he shouldn't get the ball anymore. We all know how that worked out! South Carolina is led by Stephen Garcia and Marcus Lattimore. I believe honesty is the best policy and the Dawgs will lose. I wish they wouldn't but they will. The other USC 28- UGA 20
Up next? Pro football talk....
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Post Labor Day thoughts on college football
Yay! So I was 3-1 in my football picks week 1. Sadly, the loss was my alma mater and I just couldn't pick against them game 1. But now I see what we have so I can make an honest assessment. So let's take a look at the Boise St/UGA game.
A friend of mine said it best when he mentioned that he couldn't get behind Bobo because his name was too close to DoDo. I realize that isn't a scientific approach, but he made a valid point. Gosh, UGA looked horrible. Not the fill in mascot, Russ, (are the dogs afraid to take the mascot job due to the dark cloud over that role?) but the team. Ugh! I knew it was over when Richt lined Blair Walsh up in the parking lot of the GA Dome to kick a field goal. He is an awesome kicker, but you are getting beat by a Mountain West team. Go for a TD or go home! Guys, when UGA is losing at halftime, there is a better chance that Salma Hayek leaves her billionaire husband for you than them winning the game. Check the stats-it's unbelievable. Oh, and I still love them and will watch every game. I'm just stating the obvious. Next up? Darth Visor...Need a lead going into half time to win that one!
Since the Notre Dame Game lasted 32 hours (I know..I'm embellishing), I appreciate the fact that NBC showed us some"vintage" Notre Dame games from 2010. Because, those have been stellar performances. I knew they wouldn't call the game, but thankfully it ended..with a ND loss.
In the MD-Miami game, it was a battle of the new coaches. The Terp uniforms looked like some kind of Rorschach test gone bad, but maybe that is a way to psychologically confuse the opponent? It's a T...no, it's a checkerboard...No, it's a turtle playing checkers. Maybe they just tried to give the U a migraine? Those pick 6s hurt and Advil wouldn't help.
Picks up later along with some thoughts on the NFL. Note to self, must check my fantasy football time as I hope I did not draft Favre or Jamarcus Russell. Yes, I know they are both no longer in the league, but stranger things have happened.
A friend of mine said it best when he mentioned that he couldn't get behind Bobo because his name was too close to DoDo. I realize that isn't a scientific approach, but he made a valid point. Gosh, UGA looked horrible. Not the fill in mascot, Russ, (are the dogs afraid to take the mascot job due to the dark cloud over that role?) but the team. Ugh! I knew it was over when Richt lined Blair Walsh up in the parking lot of the GA Dome to kick a field goal. He is an awesome kicker, but you are getting beat by a Mountain West team. Go for a TD or go home! Guys, when UGA is losing at halftime, there is a better chance that Salma Hayek leaves her billionaire husband for you than them winning the game. Check the stats-it's unbelievable. Oh, and I still love them and will watch every game. I'm just stating the obvious. Next up? Darth Visor...Need a lead going into half time to win that one!
Since the Notre Dame Game lasted 32 hours (I know..I'm embellishing), I appreciate the fact that NBC showed us some"vintage" Notre Dame games from 2010. Because, those have been stellar performances. I knew they wouldn't call the game, but thankfully it ended..with a ND loss.
In the MD-Miami game, it was a battle of the new coaches. The Terp uniforms looked like some kind of Rorschach test gone bad, but maybe that is a way to psychologically confuse the opponent? It's a T...no, it's a checkerboard...No, it's a turtle playing checkers. Maybe they just tried to give the U a migraine? Those pick 6s hurt and Advil wouldn't help.
Picks up later along with some thoughts on the NFL. Note to self, must check my fantasy football time as I hope I did not draft Favre or Jamarcus Russell. Yes, I know they are both no longer in the league, but stranger things have happened.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year
Thanks goodness I googled to see who sings that song, because I had it wrong. In the words of Andy Williams, it IS the most wonderful time of the year. No, not Christmas but rather football season. YAY! Disclaimer...anything I say on this blog is strictly my opinion combined with my whacked out sense of humor. It's all in good fun peeps!
Admittedly, I haven't had much time to catch up on preseason expectations as the prognosticators are generally wrong. Every year, it's Clemson's year. And every year they lose to someone like James Madison. And in professional sports, the Chargers and Texans will finally shine. Until of course, they don't. So, I am sticking to college picks this week with my own take on the game. However, this is my go to site to remember who plays who http://cfn.scout.com/ .
Oregon #4 vs LSU #3- Ducks vs Tigers. Sounds like an unfortunate episode of Wild Kingdom doesn't it? It's never a good sign when people are requesting DNA samples in the offseason from your starting QB is it? Don't these kids watch 48 Hours Hard Evidence? Allegedly, Jordan Jefferson kicked someone in the head, so he won't be the starting QB for LSU. Who will? A guy who can just have "Pick Factory" on the back of his jersey instead of Lee. The back up? A guy who was launched from UGA for some unsavory behavior. Oregon? I have so many bad jokes relating to the Ducks. Are they all the hype has them quacked up to be? Will Darron Thomas be ducking the LSU D? I think Oregon waddles away with a loss. Les Miles is lucky, so I say LSU 21 Oregon 17.
Boise State versus UGA-It was a bad season last year for my beloved Bulldogs. The mascot died and they lost to Colorado.Yes, Colorado who promptly went on to can their coach later that year for later losing to such powerhouses as Baylor. A.J Green must have some bad karma because he was promptly drafted by Bunglemania, a team with a QB that retired because he just couldn't play there anymore. The nail in the coffin occurred when UGA lost to UCF in the Toilet Bowl. But it's a new season, and it's win now because the schedule doesn't get any easier until that visit from Coastal Carolina on Sept 17th. ChaChing!! Coastal Carolina gets paid. UGA must score touchdowns versus the FG which should be banned. UGA 31-BSU-24
Maryland vs Miami-Speaking of dark clouds overhead, Miami had a salacious offseason. However, punishment was handed out swiftly in this game. 2 new coaches so who is going to protect the house? I say Terps over the Canes in a snoozer. 16-13
USF vs Notre Dame-I'm sure the prognosticators are penciling in a BCS bowl for Notre Dame because, well they do that every year. Mmmm. I just can't pick a team that has lost to Navy 3 years in a row, I think. I say USF, because whenever I pick Notre Dame they lose. So inevitably they will win this one. USF-35 Notre Dame-31
There are 2 things I am sure of as I wrap this up. Due to my speed demon typing, I am positive there are grammatical errors which will offend some of you (Stan). Sorry. And it is also entirely possibly I will be 0-4, but I can admit it and I'm not picking on the U (Mercedes aka Sportschica:)
Admittedly, I haven't had much time to catch up on preseason expectations as the prognosticators are generally wrong. Every year, it's Clemson's year. And every year they lose to someone like James Madison. And in professional sports, the Chargers and Texans will finally shine. Until of course, they don't. So, I am sticking to college picks this week with my own take on the game. However, this is my go to site to remember who plays who http://cfn.scout.com/ .
Oregon #4 vs LSU #3- Ducks vs Tigers. Sounds like an unfortunate episode of Wild Kingdom doesn't it? It's never a good sign when people are requesting DNA samples in the offseason from your starting QB is it? Don't these kids watch 48 Hours Hard Evidence? Allegedly, Jordan Jefferson kicked someone in the head, so he won't be the starting QB for LSU. Who will? A guy who can just have "Pick Factory" on the back of his jersey instead of Lee. The back up? A guy who was launched from UGA for some unsavory behavior. Oregon? I have so many bad jokes relating to the Ducks. Are they all the hype has them quacked up to be? Will Darron Thomas be ducking the LSU D? I think Oregon waddles away with a loss. Les Miles is lucky, so I say LSU 21 Oregon 17.
Boise State versus UGA-It was a bad season last year for my beloved Bulldogs. The mascot died and they lost to Colorado.Yes, Colorado who promptly went on to can their coach later that year for later losing to such powerhouses as Baylor. A.J Green must have some bad karma because he was promptly drafted by Bunglemania, a team with a QB that retired because he just couldn't play there anymore. The nail in the coffin occurred when UGA lost to UCF in the Toilet Bowl. But it's a new season, and it's win now because the schedule doesn't get any easier until that visit from Coastal Carolina on Sept 17th. ChaChing!! Coastal Carolina gets paid. UGA must score touchdowns versus the FG which should be banned. UGA 31-BSU-24
Maryland vs Miami-Speaking of dark clouds overhead, Miami had a salacious offseason. However, punishment was handed out swiftly in this game. 2 new coaches so who is going to protect the house? I say Terps over the Canes in a snoozer. 16-13
USF vs Notre Dame-I'm sure the prognosticators are penciling in a BCS bowl for Notre Dame because, well they do that every year. Mmmm. I just can't pick a team that has lost to Navy 3 years in a row, I think. I say USF, because whenever I pick Notre Dame they lose. So inevitably they will win this one. USF-35 Notre Dame-31
There are 2 things I am sure of as I wrap this up. Due to my speed demon typing, I am positive there are grammatical errors which will offend some of you (Stan). Sorry. And it is also entirely possibly I will be 0-4, but I can admit it and I'm not picking on the U (Mercedes aka Sportschica:)
Monday, August 29, 2011
Boot Camp
I have the family in "Extreme Lifestyle Makeover" mode. Don't laugh, if that isn't already a show, it will be one soon....right after the demise of fame monger Kate and her gazillion kids or the Bachelor, Season 88.
Unfortunately, I have unusual eating habits. I love all vegetables, but I just like interesting combos. Pretzels and frosting are nice together and I like to think Skittles and Starbursts are fruit. They are colorful and flavorful so they must be full of antioxidants, right? Ha! Oh and I eat standing up or pacing-like a wolf, only with shorter legs. So, I realized I had to set a better example for my kids. More walks, hula hooping, dancing, soccer, and less food for the dog, Atticus. Atticus has totally let himself go, but he can blame the baby. Well, in the spirit of being candid, I needed to step it up a notch. I am typically a zumba/hip hop cardio kind of girl, but I decided I should sign up for boot camp. I mean really! How hard can it be?
When I go to register for boot camp, the lady behind the desk says, "Oh baby. I don't envy the people signing up for boot camp." I haven't confused this with the sign up for the military have I? If so, this would be a bad idea. I do love that movie, "A Few Good Men", but I didn't see Lt Caffey or Col Markinson, so I felt certain I was in the right place."Really?" I ask. "What is so horrible about the boot camp?' She said, "Baby, I see them at the top of that hill (shaking head). Lord, I just want to cry. It looks awful and the people throw up." Was this the sales pitch? Tears and vomit? I was waiting for her to tell me people yell that they want their mommy 10 minutes into the workout. Was this the truth, or did she think I couldn't handle the truth? What about a better booty and a stronger core? Or arms like Jessica Biel? Well, we can all dream. She certainly had not attended those Zig Ziglar or Tony Robbins seminars because they usually encourage you to up sell. I said, "Oh it will be fun and good for me." Perhaps that was an embellishment because at that moment I was thinking a trip to DQ would be fun, and laughing so hard I cry is good for me. More than 4 hours of sleep will be good for me. No, I am going to do this and enjoy it. Yes, I am....
Unfortunately, I have unusual eating habits. I love all vegetables, but I just like interesting combos. Pretzels and frosting are nice together and I like to think Skittles and Starbursts are fruit. They are colorful and flavorful so they must be full of antioxidants, right? Ha! Oh and I eat standing up or pacing-like a wolf, only with shorter legs. So, I realized I had to set a better example for my kids. More walks, hula hooping, dancing, soccer, and less food for the dog, Atticus. Atticus has totally let himself go, but he can blame the baby. Well, in the spirit of being candid, I needed to step it up a notch. I am typically a zumba/hip hop cardio kind of girl, but I decided I should sign up for boot camp. I mean really! How hard can it be?
When I go to register for boot camp, the lady behind the desk says, "Oh baby. I don't envy the people signing up for boot camp." I haven't confused this with the sign up for the military have I? If so, this would be a bad idea. I do love that movie, "A Few Good Men", but I didn't see Lt Caffey or Col Markinson, so I felt certain I was in the right place."Really?" I ask. "What is so horrible about the boot camp?' She said, "Baby, I see them at the top of that hill (shaking head). Lord, I just want to cry. It looks awful and the people throw up." Was this the sales pitch? Tears and vomit? I was waiting for her to tell me people yell that they want their mommy 10 minutes into the workout. Was this the truth, or did she think I couldn't handle the truth? What about a better booty and a stronger core? Or arms like Jessica Biel? Well, we can all dream. She certainly had not attended those Zig Ziglar or Tony Robbins seminars because they usually encourage you to up sell. I said, "Oh it will be fun and good for me." Perhaps that was an embellishment because at that moment I was thinking a trip to DQ would be fun, and laughing so hard I cry is good for me. More than 4 hours of sleep will be good for me. No, I am going to do this and enjoy it. Yes, I am....
Saturday, August 20, 2011
What I say and what my kids hear
My children ignore most of what I say. When I say "Don't leave your socks on the floor", I am met with a subtle eye roll and an exasperated sigh. So, here is what I say and what they think.
I say, "Go brush your teeth." They hear "mwak mwak mwwak mwak". Yes, they think I am Mrs. Blockhead.
I say, "Let's do your homework." They think, "Great. The next thing she will want me to do is wipe the dirt off my face and tell me I have to take a bath because my hands are sticky. Why doesn't she just dress me up in a suit, make me comb my hair and play the quiet game for an hour? Geez"
I say , "You have milk around your mouth. Why don't you get a cloth so we can wash it off?" They think "Whatevs. That is what your tongue is for,duh!"
I say, "Stop arguing with each other." They think, "She always takes up for X. Didn't she see him/her playing with that toy I haven't played with in 6 months? Actually, I didn't know where it was, but it was mine and I don't want someone else having fun."
I say, "You need to settle down." They think, "What a downer this woman is! If we keep jumping off the bed, one of is bound to get injured so we can go to the emergency room. Thus, we can stay up later AND have a Popsicle. Winner, winner, turkey dinner!"
The previous line is followed by, "It's time to go to bed." They begin laughing hysterically and then think, " Loser! This is a great time for us to argue with each other. Let's wear her down and make her think she is on the verge of a nervous breakdown. That way, she will succumb and say she is close to putting a hot poker in her eye, but then will let us watch one more episode of Phineas and Ferb. SCORE!"
I say, " Life seemed boring before I had kids." They think, 'Your life WAS boring before you had us. Aren't we funny?"
I say, "Go brush your teeth." They hear "mwak mwak mwwak mwak". Yes, they think I am Mrs. Blockhead.
I say, "Let's do your homework." They think, "Great. The next thing she will want me to do is wipe the dirt off my face and tell me I have to take a bath because my hands are sticky. Why doesn't she just dress me up in a suit, make me comb my hair and play the quiet game for an hour? Geez"
I say , "You have milk around your mouth. Why don't you get a cloth so we can wash it off?" They think "Whatevs. That is what your tongue is for,duh!"
I say, "Stop arguing with each other." They think, "She always takes up for X. Didn't she see him/her playing with that toy I haven't played with in 6 months? Actually, I didn't know where it was, but it was mine and I don't want someone else having fun."
I say, "You need to settle down." They think, "What a downer this woman is! If we keep jumping off the bed, one of is bound to get injured so we can go to the emergency room. Thus, we can stay up later AND have a Popsicle. Winner, winner, turkey dinner!"
The previous line is followed by, "It's time to go to bed." They begin laughing hysterically and then think, " Loser! This is a great time for us to argue with each other. Let's wear her down and make her think she is on the verge of a nervous breakdown. That way, she will succumb and say she is close to putting a hot poker in her eye, but then will let us watch one more episode of Phineas and Ferb. SCORE!"
I say, " Life seemed boring before I had kids." They think, 'Your life WAS boring before you had us. Aren't we funny?"
Friday, August 19, 2011
Confession and Obsessions
I will open this with a confession. I have called in sick to work once in my life. I have been to work with the chicken pox (until they sent me home), first signs of blood poisoning, the day after 4 wisdom teeth were removed, and was actually on a conference call while in labor with my oldest son. Now I didn't take a trip to Canada when I had the stomach flu, but I still worked. So when did I skip out on work? The one time I called in sick was many years ago right after college. I was playing Scattergories and drinking some very cheap wine. How cheap was it? It came in a box. I was certain someone had inserted a power drill in my temples. What does this all mean? I'm a golden retriever. I'm reliable.
Every once in a while I become mildly obsessed with something. Several years ago when Ed Norton was dating Courtney Love, I was positive he was going to launch her for me. I mean, hello, I was witty and intelligent. And I didn't wear eyeliner so I didn't have big smudges under my eyes. I would have been willing to go platinum blond for him. I sing some really solid Hole songs when I am in the shower. However, when Ed moved on to Salma, I knew it wasn't meant to be.
Then, there was the quest for the poncho in 2004. I was obsessed with getting the "right" poncho after I had my daughter. I'm all about the sale so I searched thrift shops, ebay, and stores, but alas no poncho. I was consumed by this freaking poncho. Would I finally buckle and pay some decent bucks for the much desired poncho? I finally found a "poncho maker to the stars" and I figured if it was good enough for SJP, then it was good for me. The poncho arrived but it wasn't quite what I needed. Finally, I found a lady living in a remote area of Canada who made ponchos. The woman was surrounded by emus and moose, so I felt she understood what I was looking for in a poncho. It was perfect, until I saw the one Martha Stewart allegedly made in prison. Was that where I had gone wrong? Should I have been sending letters to penitentiaries trolling for poncho makers? Somehow, this felt wrong so I moved on to the....
Knee boot of 2005. I envisioned this gorgeous (steeply discounted in price I might add) to the knee boot, but I am calf challenged, meaning they are freakishly ginormous. I even asked if there was calf reduction surgery. Not that I would have done it, but I felt like I was in the minority as I saw people blissfully zipping up their boots while I was investigating if they made industrial strength Spanx for calves. They didn't, but I did find 'stretchy" boots. Happiness at last. Well, until the next obsession...
The cape quest of 2009-2011. I want a cape. No, no like Batman, but a cape that should make me feel like I am horseback riding in the English Countryside after a cup of Earl Grey tea. I am flexible on the color, but black, brown or a subdued print is sufficient. But where is this freaking cape?? It isn't on ebay or at Goodwill..at least not when I looked. However, imagine my delight when a certain magazine arrived with a picture of said dream cape at a price I can love. Will this one be the cape? Will it make me feel like Kate on the way to the UK version of Whole Foods?( Except 6 inches shorter and minus the royal title.) Will they have it or is this one of those items that is perpetually out of stock? Please no! The cape has been an ongoing saga so time will tell...
Every once in a while I become mildly obsessed with something. Several years ago when Ed Norton was dating Courtney Love, I was positive he was going to launch her for me. I mean, hello, I was witty and intelligent. And I didn't wear eyeliner so I didn't have big smudges under my eyes. I would have been willing to go platinum blond for him. I sing some really solid Hole songs when I am in the shower. However, when Ed moved on to Salma, I knew it wasn't meant to be.
Then, there was the quest for the poncho in 2004. I was obsessed with getting the "right" poncho after I had my daughter. I'm all about the sale so I searched thrift shops, ebay, and stores, but alas no poncho. I was consumed by this freaking poncho. Would I finally buckle and pay some decent bucks for the much desired poncho? I finally found a "poncho maker to the stars" and I figured if it was good enough for SJP, then it was good for me. The poncho arrived but it wasn't quite what I needed. Finally, I found a lady living in a remote area of Canada who made ponchos. The woman was surrounded by emus and moose, so I felt she understood what I was looking for in a poncho. It was perfect, until I saw the one Martha Stewart allegedly made in prison. Was that where I had gone wrong? Should I have been sending letters to penitentiaries trolling for poncho makers? Somehow, this felt wrong so I moved on to the....
Knee boot of 2005. I envisioned this gorgeous (steeply discounted in price I might add) to the knee boot, but I am calf challenged, meaning they are freakishly ginormous. I even asked if there was calf reduction surgery. Not that I would have done it, but I felt like I was in the minority as I saw people blissfully zipping up their boots while I was investigating if they made industrial strength Spanx for calves. They didn't, but I did find 'stretchy" boots. Happiness at last. Well, until the next obsession...
The cape quest of 2009-2011. I want a cape. No, no like Batman, but a cape that should make me feel like I am horseback riding in the English Countryside after a cup of Earl Grey tea. I am flexible on the color, but black, brown or a subdued print is sufficient. But where is this freaking cape?? It isn't on ebay or at Goodwill..at least not when I looked. However, imagine my delight when a certain magazine arrived with a picture of said dream cape at a price I can love. Will this one be the cape? Will it make me feel like Kate on the way to the UK version of Whole Foods?( Except 6 inches shorter and minus the royal title.) Will they have it or is this one of those items that is perpetually out of stock? Please no! The cape has been an ongoing saga so time will tell...
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