I remember when my oldest son was a baby, I would literally gaze adoringly at him for hours. He cried! Adorable! He pooed! Too cute! He never slept! Fantastic! I loved rocking him and used to sing to him. However, I don't know many lullabies. Actually, I'm not sure if I know any. What did I sing to him? Yes, "You Are" by that icon of the 80's Lionel Richie. I think that is better than "Hello" which always brings to mind that video which had the blind artist creating a sculpture of Lionel. Fortunately it was just a bust of his head and not that unfortunate sweater he is wearing.
When my daughter came along, I was going on 21 months of serious sleep deprivation. My song of choice for her was "Love Will Keep Us Together," by Captain and Tenille. It's a fun song that you can dance to, so I give it a 93.
Finally, when Woo Woo arrived, the entire family was absolutely smitten. We hadn't had a baby in 5 years so we relished every burp and wet diaper. What do I sing to him? It depends. I was alternating between "Evacuate the Dance Floor" and "Copacabana". You see, Woo loves to dance so it's important to select songs that I can choreograph appropriate moves.
Which brings me to a list of artists/songs that kids should only listen to with adult consent. It's not that some of these aren't fine artists, it's just the way they make you feel. Yes,that was a subtle shout out to Michael Jackson.
Celine Dion- In French or in Anglais this master of the "love" song leaves you feeling like someone removed your spleen minus anesthesia. Seriously, people play her songs at their weddings which has probably lead to an increase in the divorce rate. And she can make you depressed you in 2 languages, which I guess can be considered an additional bonus.
The Carpenters-I love the Carpenters. I really do. The sound of Karen Carpenter's voice is absolutely haunting, hence the inappropriateness for children. The song "Top Of the World" makes you feel like you want to hide under a rock. And that Christmas song about the greeting cards being through!!! 3 notes in and I feel like Eyore. Thank goodness she didn't do a version of "Blue Christmas."
Huey Lewis and the News-Only if you want your kids to hate you
Anything by Staind- Appropriate if you are at an all you can eat Prozac buffet
Aaron Neville-Oh I like him too, but he sounds like he has an Andes mint lodged in his throat. And that song he did with Linda Rondstadt? Something like, I don't know much but I know I love you and that may be all I need to know. Yeah, right. Ask Charlie Sheen what he thinks about that line.
"Bridge Over Troubled Water" Simon & Garfunkel-Another band I like. My old roommate in college used to turn the lights off in the apartment and pick the marshmallows out of Lucky Charms while listening to this at full blast. Regardless of how I felt when entering the room, I found myself reaching for the Visine, particularly during the take it home part.
And finally, the gut wrenching song of all songs is "Mandy" by Barry Manilow. I wonder if they ever play this song during surgeries? Seriously, if you listen to the words you will look like you have a serious case of hay fever and pink eye by the end of the song. I mean Mandy sounds like an evil wench doesn't she? She is the kind of woman who would get in the Express Lane of the grocery store with 21 items and not tell you that you had spinach stuck between your teeth. Exactly! I bet there is even a Lifetime movie about Mandy starring Tori Spelling.
Gosh I guess I have prattled on and on haven't I? In the words of that great Purple Dinosaur Barney, " I love you. You love me. We're a happy family." Until next time....
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