Merry whatever you do or don't celebrate! I realized today that I should just do my own version of that holiday classic "Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer" and switch it up to " Mommy Stepped Out In Front of Reindeer Coming Full Throttle At Her With A Sleigh Made of Steel." Too violent?
We are all ready for Santa. As I write this, I'm enjoying a nice tall glass of mercury. We have 2 substantial pieces of peanut butter cake and hummingbird cake out for his culinary enjoyment and a large glass of chocolate milk. I'm sure Santa would prefer a shot of tequila (what am I saying? Old boy wants the economy size bottle) but it's not happening this year. The tequila would just give him a headache. I did do Santa a solid by eating the frosting off of his cake. Didn't want the sugar to slow him down. He can thank me for saving him some empty calories by sending cash or a 97 year old man looking for an heir to his fortune. I kid!
The kids asked me today what I thought Ms. Claus did. I said that I can assure you Ms. Claus is totally running that operation, managing the Quik books and the elves schedule on the shared Google calendars. In addition to that, I'm sure she does the laundry, cleans the house, feeds the reindeer, and dispenses love advice to the reindeer and elves. Her job is never done. I'm sure she is texting Santa as we speak to remind him to remember to wipe his feet before he slides down the chimney and to CLOSE the door when he has to enter the house that way. Nope. Mrs. Claus is not propped up on the chaise watching "The Real Elf Wives of the North Pole." She probably told Rudolph right before take off that he will one day meet a reindeer that appreciates his beguiling charm and sparkly nose. She told Dasher not to hate the player, hate the game. Mrs. Claus is working it.
I'm running low on clever and wit so I'll give you my version of the 12 Days of Christmas along with my letter to Santa.
Dear Santa ,
You know I'm totally low maintenance but maybe I could have a smidge more fun in 2015? Ya know? Can't hurt to ask.
Love, Me
No one cares about the lords a leaping because someone probably tore an ACL in a celebration dance and gold rings are so 1987. The maids a milking? The French hens? They are probably discussing how obnoxious Americans are merci beau coup. No. I'll give you the random, suburban version.
12 Socks Not Matching
11 book reports unreported
10 bins of toys a dumped
9 naked cupcakes (I ate the frosting)
8 bells a hidden (whistles and bells must be hidden from the little peeps)
7 hours of Disney Jr
6 expletives whispered
5 hours of fighting
4 Legos leave you limping
3 screaming kids
2 pets a hiding
And a mom with a goblet who wants a reality show. Really. Why not?
Happy holidays! This was all written on my phone. Enjoy the typos and the enemy known as autocorrect.
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