Nope, more like a crap sandwich. Maybe one that is the size of 10 football fields. Does Subway market those?Lots of stuff going on in life-car accident, phone rolled in cup of coffee, and some work on life just to name a few. I'm learning more and more about patience and that is something I need to learn.
On May 15th, I decided to visit my dad in the hospital. He was in ICU after a routine procedure. They said he would probably only be there 24 hours tops. I had this epic knot in my stomach and when I got to the hospital, it was past ICU visiting hours. However, the nurses told my brother that I had driven 3 hours so they let me see my Dad. And what I saw, broke my heart. He was on a ventilator and they had removed him from restraints. His monitor started beeping fast when he saw me and his eyes lit up. I was on the verge of tears but I didn't want to upset him. My Dad always hated seeing me cry. He was trying to talk to me but couldn't, so I told him the kids were great and loved him so much. Just like I did.
The nurse told me he was doing well but it didn't feel that way. I took my mom home and 3 hours later we came back for the last visitation of the day. A new nurse stopped us and told us he wasn't doing well at all. His blood pressure was dropping and they thought he may have an infection. I called my brother and niece to come back, and we all huddled in the room. We told him what a great Dad he was and Grandfather he was and my niece would ask if he was in pain. It was devastating to watch him want to talk to us but not be able to do so. I just told him how wonderful he was and that I was lucky to have him as my Dad.
I thought he might go in the middle of the night but they commented on what a fighter he was. Still, his organs were shutting down and when I held his hand it was cold. The doctor told us there was nothing that could be done, so we just watched and waited. And at 10:40 May 16th, he was gone.
My Dad worked many hours when I was growing up, and I would run to the door when he got home. I loved it when he let me spray shaving cream out in the sink and how he let me blow dry my hair (a no no according to my Mom because I had grown up hair and it made me look too old). Every morning I would tell him how much I loved him. He rescued injured birds with me, watched football with me, laughed at me, and was my biggest cheerleader. He always said I had my caca together. He said I could do anything I wanted. I miss him so much. So does my daughter.
At this point in my life, my caca is anything but together. And geez, I would like to wave a wand and magically make everything wonderful, but alas life doesn't work that way. It's a process with many unknowns and who knows where you end? I don't, but I'm committed to doing and being the best person I can. I need to shut up and listen. Something I struggle with often. Being right doesn't matter unless you are on Jeopardy. I feel kind of lost right now, so I guess I will follow the bread crumbs..... as soon I find them.
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