World News-The August 1st Edition

 

Question time. How many of you subject yourself to watching the news? Right. So that means you are are determined to throw yourself into a pit of depression so deep, that  eating a pint of Chunky Monkey topped with a dozen krispy kremes wouldn't even bring a smile to your sad  face. No, you will just sit in a dark room listening to Robin Thicke wondering when his pop, Alan, will break into a rendition of the theme from "Growing Pains."  Just turn on the local news. Carjackings. Home Invasions. Shootings. Shootings at birthday parties (I guess that's what happens when someone eats the last piece of cake.) Shootings at the Waffle House (Perhaps Honey Bunny in Pulp Fiction really just wanted an order of scattered, smothered and covered potatoes.) Shootings over parking spaces (that really shows people to park within the lines). Shootings at family barbeques (hands off the grill or else) If you watch the local news, you are a glutton for punishment. Me? If it isn't sports related or completely mindless celebrity garbage, I try to ignore it. Although I was totally intrigued by what Edward Snowden did during those weeks in the Moscow airport. Was he mainlining Popov or Stoli? G-chatting with Putin?  Was he perusing the shops and walking around in a " I went to Moscow and all I got was this lousy t-shirt" tee? Was he posting selfies of himself wearing just his skivvies in the loo (which apparently even grown ups with kids do..you all know who you are)? But let's take some time to catch up on some big events, shall we?

Let's start with that atom splitter Aaron Hernandez. Aaron may not have been smart enough to stay out of questionable situations, but he does respond to a fan letter and says G-d wants him in jail. http://www.tmz.com/2013/08/01/aaron-hernandez-jail-letter-not-guilty-god/  Good to know. However, if things don't go well, perhaps he can call Tebow in to perform an exorcism. For the record, I know so many females who have told me how "hot" he is and the murder charge (s) makes him seem like a bad boy. Facing life in prison does may it sound like you aren't afraid to color outside of the lines, you know?  Right. I guess that's why one of the jurors in the Richard Ramirez trial ended up marrying him. Apparently, some women can overlook a few dead bodies on their way to marital bliss. Haters gonna hate....

I came up with a brilliant marketing idea today. Maybe James Cameron can direct a blockbuster hit showcasing the lives of Lance Armstrong and Alex Rodriguez. He could call it "Mega Tools". Wilmer Valderama could portray A-Rod. Seriously. A-Rod bamboozled the Yankees into giving him a phat contract valid until he is eligible for SSI. The problem is that his leg is on the verge of falling off due to using, ahem, supplements. I will put a gold star next to his name for being a good tipper as I used to wait tables. I maintain you can tell a great deal about a person according to how they tip and the way they treat furry peeps. http://www.tmz.com/2013/07/31/alex-rodriguez-hooters/?adid=tmzhero3  For the record, when I was in college, a certain member of a band (REM) used to come in all of the time. He left the exact same tip whether he was by himself or paying for a table of 10. Oh, and if you remember that horrible band, Del Amitri, they used to come in and say, "don't you know who we are?" Yes, we did and your music sucks. We weren't impressed.

Speaking of impressed, did you hear that a royal baby was born? Hopefully baby Georgie doesn't inherit his father's hairline.http://celebritybabies.people.com/2013/07/23/royal-baby-prince-of-cambridge-first-photo-kate-middleton-prince-william/ Bada bing.

Start hoarding food and bottled water. We are one step closer to the Apocalypse. Jennifer Lopez is directing a reality show about her back up dancers http://worldnewsviews.com/2013/07/02/jennifer-lopez-backup-dancers-featured-in-a-step-away-docu-series-on-nuvotv/  This is must see tv if you have been living in a remote forest and have never had human contact. I'm talking to you, Nell.

In rehab news, Lindsay Lohan is out (I think) and Oprah offered her $2million for a 6 part docu-series. Translation -6 part train wreck. Yawn.  It's good $$$$ if you can get it. And Charlie Sheen's ex, is making her 20th appearance in rehab. http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2324409/Brooke-Mueller-twice-went-rehab-crystal-meth-addiction-PREGNANT-sons-Bob-Max.html  Hopefully, Betty Ford gives both of these ladies a punch card or at least lets them enroll in the rapid rewards program. Perhaps they can take the points they earn with each stint and purchase 8 balls? If 20 doesn't work for Brooke, I'm sure 21 will be the charm.

I'm so ready for football. If only Taj Boyd married Nicki Minaj and took her last name. Taj Minaj sounds catchy, doesn't it? Starships were meant to fly and Amanda Bynes is the captain http://www.thesuperficial.com/amanda-bynes-is-all-better-08-2013

I have to get a tattoo like this. I have added it to the "to do" list under "clean bathroom."   I would totally get my name underneath it in case I get amnesia.

Peace out.