Let's Start With the N-F-L Predictions

Just like those pundits on ESPN, I too, will make predictions. . The difference is that I don’t get paid and my sources are probably more reliable than some prognosticators. Buh-bam!  Before I make my college picks later this week, I need to make my super-duper early NFL team by team record predictions so that I can put them in a hermetically sealed cyber jar. I've spent hours (okay seconds) researching each NFL team and minutes (okay nano seconds) verifying facts. If it wasn't on the Bleacher Report or reported by Adam Schefter or Mort, it hasn't happened in my world.  We can look back 8 weeks (maybe even 8 hours)  in and see how horribly wrong I was. So without further adieu……

Cardinals-Typically, the Raiders are the last stop on the career train, but not for former USC QB, Carson Palmer.  No, he left Oakland for sunny AZ. He does look like Tom Brady compared to last year’s carousel of Cardinal QBs (Brian Hoyer, John Skelton and some other guys who should be selling insurance). Maybe Fitzgerald catches some passes. 6-10.

Falcons- With the addition of Steven Jackson, Falcons O should be haute. I like Tony Gonzalez but I ask that he respectfully not turn into Brett Favre by talking about retirement, percentages of retirement, why he came back. Yada, yada, yada. Gonzalez is back and Falcon fans are happy. 12-4

Ravens-Talk about a team cleaning house post Super Bowl! Love John Harbaugh. And Joe Flacco negotiated a super phat contract because of  the Super Bowl win. It's good money if you can get it.  Gone are Ray Lewis, Ed Reed, and Danelle Ellerbee (Go G!!!!) so I’m not sure if the D will fizzle with only T-Sizzle. But, I say they go 9-7.

Buffalo Bills-Times are tough in Buffalo. Bills sadly thought Kevin Kolb (who hopefully has a shrine of Andy Reid built in his house because he owes every $ to that man) was the man. But Kolb gets a concussion sneezing. So they signed EJ Manuel, but he is hurt too. Next up on the grid? Yes, they just signed Matt Leinhart , another USC QB who was cut by the Raiders. His greatest accomplishments are that he dated Paris Hilton and Britney Spears.  His backup graduated from Duke. Pass the tissue if you are a Bills fan. 3-13. ****Breaking news*****Neither Leinhart nor Thaddeus will be the starting QB. That honor belongs to Jeff Tuel. Who??? Yes, Jeff Tuel. You know. A guy who led a perennial powerhouse named Washington State up and down the field at least twice.

Bears-Jay Cutler=DB. His wife=famewh--e (go ahead an buy a vowel to complete the puzzle). The coach came from the CFL. 7-9.

Panthers-Is this the year? Nada. I don’t buy Rivera but good for Cam for securing endorsements. 8-8

Bengals-UGA 2.0. This roster is filled with folks from the G including standout A.J Green.  The Bengals are also the star of this season’s  “Hard Knocks” and some of these folks do have sketchy pasts and have some have seen the inside of a jail. Gritty gets you to 10-6.

Browns-It’s a bad sign when your first round pick, Barkevious Mingo (love the name as it has star written all over it) is hospitalized after a preseason game and one of your players is charged with murder. But at least you have Bernie Kosar as a colorful color commentator and you will need a translator. The Jim Brown curse continues. 5-11.

Cowboys-The Cowboys have so many devoted fans from the glory years, but can they finally get it done in this century?  Eh, I don’t know about that (at least this year), but Romo gets the blame for everything on this team. Not sure that is warranted so I say 10-6.

Broncos-Everyone is oohing and ahhing over the latest Manning commercial but does that translate into a guaranteed Super Bowl trip for a Manning? Nah. Don't think so. Broncos should be good but they will miss Von Miller, who apparently was getting his rave on prior to his suspension.Who knew? They should take their division, but you never know what will happen. 13-3.

Lions-One of my all time favorite Bulldogs, Matt Stafford, just signed one lion of a contract. Lions added a guy named Ziggy (I think he is lying about his age) and Kim K's former boyfriend, Reggie Bush. Maybe Stafford won't have to line up in the shotgun 70% of the time. Still, this division is owned by Ryan Braun's former bf, Aaron Rodgers. 8-8.

Packers-Aaron, let everyone know when you are going to toss out your salary for the year because you just knew that epic whiner, Ryan Braun, was not using PEDs. Apparently these two own a restaurant together. I wonder if the Biogeneis Burger is on the menu? Packers should be supreme again in the division. 11-5.

Texans-I know. I know. This is the year. As usual, I'm not sold. 10-6.

Colts-I think they are the ultimate in boring and Luck looks like Lurch from the Munsters or Adams Family. Can't remember which show that was. 8-8.

Jaquars-Times have always been tough in Jacksonville. The offense (aka Maurice Jones Drew) got into a fight in the off season in St. Augustine. Did someone step in front of him in the Ripley's Believe It Or Not Museum? No worries. He will play and they will eek out 2 hideously ugly wins. 2-14.

Chiefs-The Bamboozler (Andy Reid) is in town and he has Alex Smith with him. Yes, you aren't going anywhere with Matt Cassel as your QB. Chiefs should be better, but I don't want to watch them. 7-9.

Dolphins-Will Fins sink or swim? I say they float. I can't for the life of me remember the QB's name. You know. The one with the wife everyone was drooling over, but I suspect they will be average. This is all based on......nothing but just speculation. I can't trust any team that Jennifer Lopez has ownership in. 8-8. Taneyhill...that's his name.

Vikings-Speaking of cute wives, Christian Ponder's wife Samantha Steele Ponder is adorable. Sadly, I don't buy him as a QB. As a matter of fact, the only thing of note on the team is AP (the advanced placement of Adrian Peterson on the greatest all time RB list). 6-10.

Patriots-Remember when everyone thought Rob Gronkowski was a moron? He seems like a Rhodes Scholar compared to Aaron Hernandez. The Pats picked up Tebow for a cup of tea and I assume he brings Brady gatorade when he needs it. Maybe Giselle is introducing him to her friends. I'm not ready to declare this a sinking ship like some folks. 11-5.

Saints-Drew Brees is ready to put that  $3 tip on a takeout behind him because his best friend Sean Payton is back. Payton is or was going through a scandalous divorce because he was allegedly dating one of the Saints' cheerleaders. Salacious! That will hit him in the wallet. Saints should be better. 10-6.

Giants-You just never know what to think about Elmer and company. Survey says....10-6.

Jets-Speaking of tough times....It's an ominous sign when there is a line in Vegas that Sanchez's first TD will be to Darrell Revis when they Jets open up against the Bucs. How do you solve this problem? Well a functional team would draft a good qb, while a dysfunctional team signs a guy who played QB at WV.  Sanchez played at USC, so we see how his career on the field plays out. Off the field he has dated Kate Upton, Hilary Rhoda, and Eva Longoria. Not too shabby. 6-10.

Raiders- When your first round pick has just been cleared for contact, after almost dying back in November, one has to wonder about the strategy of the team. Matt Flynn is the QB. Can you win with Flynn? This isn't the campaign trail. So some peeps say Terrelle Pryor is the best option. I had no idea he was still in the league. Why not just bring back Jamarcus Russell and call it a day? 4-12

Eagles-Everyone is all excited to see Chip Kelly's offense. This isn't Oregon and the Philly fans are not excited to see this week's uniform. The Dogfather will be fine until the O-line parts like the Red Sea, and then former (yawn) USC QB, Matt Barkley will come in. Can't see it. 5-11.

Steelers- Hope Jarvis Jones does well. 8-8.

Rams-This is my "surprise" team. They will probably surprise me by laying an egg on the field. One of my all time favorite Dawgs is with the Rams, Will Witherspoon. He rescues animals. 2 gold stars and a smiley for him!  If Sam Bradford can stay quasi healthy, I say 9-7.

Chargers- Remember when Manti Te'o and his girl Lennae were the big story? He seems like a Harvard PHD candidate compared to Aaron Hernandez. I never, ever, ever buy anything about the Chargers (including those hideous uniforms or Philip Rivers) but I will buy the weather and city of San Diego. It's a lovely area. What is 7-9, Alex?

49ers-Love Kapernick. Gosh darn he is cute, but I can't stand the voice. It's the David Beckham syndrome.  No one cares what I think. Remember when Mike Singletary called out Vernon Davis and like dropped his pants or something? Not Vernon. Mike. No, Vernon allegedly dated a former dancer that John Abraham dated named Kashmere. I digress. 12-4.

Seahawks-Look for these guys to take a little step back, but I still say 10-6.

Bucs-Some peeps are excited about the Bucs. Meh. The defense should be good with the addition of Revis, but I just don't know about the QB. 6-10.

Titans-Jake "the hurt" Locker is your starting QB. He is backed up by Ryan Fitzpatrick, who looks like Joe Montana to the Bills about now. 5-11

And finally, the Redskins. RG3 is so much fun to watch, but I think staying healthy is going to be an issue. And, I can't with a good conscience think the Redskins can seal the deal. 7-9

 Next up? College picks...