Since I did such a horrific job of picking college games last week, I decided to spare everyone my wisdom when it came to the professionals. Actually, I was lazy and didn't crack out the laptop. But I will be back, better or perhaps worse than ever this week. Swagger wagon. Or maybe it's more station wagon.
I had an interesting phone call last week. All names and locations have been changed to protect the identities of the innocent. It played out something like this after I answered the phone...
Me: "Hello"
OP: (other person)-"Ms. Bale?"
Me:"Yes"
OP: "This is Officer Bucky Longtooth with the Sheriff's department."
Me: "Really?Hi Officer Longtooth." (enough with the quotation marks-I once again throw grammatical accuracy to the wind.)
OP: Yes ma'am (I hate being called ma'am. I would rather be called sir.) I am calling regarding an investigation of an incident at Cow Dung Car Wash.
My brain: Oh, I remember that place. It was my first and last time there. It was such a cluster that I'm sure someone took a swing at someone at said establishment and they are looking for witnesses.
Me: Okay. Yes, I remember that. It was really busy.
OP: Ma'am, they don't want to press charges..
Me: What? Whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you talking about? (WTF???Should I tell him I used to get the good citizen award and that I feel uncomfortable when people jaywalk?)
OP: Yes, ma'am they don't want to press charges against you so I am calling to see if we can resolve.
*****I have no idea what this man is talking about. I assume they have me confused with someone else because I was there for an oil change and a car wash that took the equivalent of the gestational period of an elephant. Did I accidentally hit someone and not realize it? I don't suffer from narcolepsy so I assume this must all be a mistake.*******
Me: Press charges? Is this a joke? I have no clue what you are talking about but I did swear that I would never go back. (Is there a camera around? Am I going to be on some show? If so, I would have straightened my hair and worn a different bra. Just saying)
OP: Ma,am, they claim you didn't pay for the car wash.
Me:What? No, I did pay and I will pull up my account and show you. (What? Are they accusing me of theft? Shoplifting? Larceny?)
OP: No ma'am. They claim you didn't pay for part of the service and that you drove off. You owe them an additional $22.20.
****At this point, I look exactly like Linda Blair in "The Exorcist" minus the green snot with my head spinning around*********
My brain: Is this a joke? I am being accused of a crime because some business has an inept staff. 99% of the time I would have looked at the invoice and double checked but I was so tired of being there (with my 7 yr old) in a room that smelled like dirty socks dipped in sewage that I just signed and wrote in a tip. Meanwhile, I'm quite positive convicted felons were swiping people's identities, stealing hubcaps and Mars bars from the vending machine, shoving their pockets with the Splenda packets next to the coffee pot while alleged shenanigans were going on. I felt like Lt. Caffey when he asked Col Jessep if he ordered the Code Red.Yes, Cow Dung Car Wash. You can't handle the truth.
Me: WHAT? DROVE OFF? Horse caca! There is no way I could have driven off because it was so busy and I PAID. I can't help it if they have an incompetent staff. Does this happen frequently?
Apparently, it does. Now I am sure some people try to pull a fast one on them, but NOT ME. So again, we are back to input issues.
Anyway, I pulled up my bank account and realized I was only charged for part of the service. So I asked Officer Longtooth how I could resolve this matter, and he said I could go by and pay the bill. Yeah, I would rather drink a cup of Drano. So he gave me the number to Cow Dung Car Wash and the name of the dumb (insert noun) to call to rectify the matter. Maybe I should skip this and contact Nancy Grace or Judge Mathis? Hello, Nancy would totally have me convicted of this and blame me for the national deficit. Yes, I realize that 3 weeks after this event that I didn't pay the full amount, but I wasn't running the cash register but it was my fault for not checking the bill. For the record, I'm so not a jail person. Remember, I'm super nerdy. Orange is a bad color for me and I'm not into neck tattoos.
I call and get someone we will call Corvette. I ask to speak to Mouthbreather the Manager. She's not available and you will have to call back. No, Corvette. I won't call back as you will get her now. Perhaps my tone indicated that I meant business.
Mouthbreather the Manager: I don't think you did this intentionally.
Me: No, I didn't. You told me how much it cost and I gave you the card. Shame on me for not double checking what I was charged but you falsely accused me of committing a crime. You know it was impossible for me to "drive off" as I gave them the ticket for the services.
Mouthbreather the Manager: Perhaps we made an error. I hope you will come back and I am taking an extra $5 off.
Me: Laughter....Are you serious? Not only am I not coming back, but I am telling everyone I know how crazy this place is and this asinine story. Thanks and best of luck.
The lesson learned from this is to frequent businesses that you like, Also, Officer Longtooth was very nice. It wasn't his fault he was assigned to this task while murderers and dangerous criminals roam the earth.
I leave you with The Clash http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MBeT4ptY9sY
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