I would like to follow up on a previous story with a possible explanation as to why the pig died. Apparently, pigs can suffer from something called Porcine Stress Syndrome. It basically means they can drop dead from freight. Thanks goodness this doesn't happen to people, because I wouldn't have made it past the 6th grade when I was forced to audition for the school chorus. This woman was Simon Cowell before reality television became popular. I was shy to begin with so singing "Silver Bells" in front of 100 other kids at the audition put me on the verge of urinating on myself. It wasn't my idea of a good time.
As I've stated before, I try to stay away from any political or religious posts. Please note, that I certainly have my opinions about those topics, but I don't feel it's necessary for me to rant or post incessantly about how my beliefs are right. I respect and appreciate people's passion and beliefs, but you are probably wasting your time trying to convert me. I am many things, but dumb is not one those things. Nah, I would totally rather talk about football and Jessica Simpson. However, I am beginning to question the sanity of some people, particularly those who have felt it necessary to message or email me about the "real" facts. Please! I have my own facts.
1.) Christian Bale completely missed his chance with me. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know he's happily married, but he didn't have to rush out years ago and marry Winona Ryder's former assistant when he could have had me. She's taller than he is and is frequently smiling. I've heard he's moody. Me too! You should see me when I haven't had my coffee or when someone tries to eat my granola. I loved him before he became mainstream and started starring in blockbuster movies I will never watch. Not that they aren't fabulous...
2.) As much as I respect and love DQ, I'm befuddled as to why they haven't created the ultimate blizzard known as the Almond Joy. How difficult can this be? We created phones with live video streams and have had people camp out at the moon but we can't create an Almond Joy Blizzard? They've had every other flavor so why can't they mix up some chocolate, almonds, and coconut? I could eat this at every meal. Granted, I would probably bear a striking resemblance to Jabba the Hut after a couple of months, but look at what a big star he became. Do they have an idea box? I used to say that I would give up my first born for this concoction. That's not exactly true. No, I would give up whoever last left an empty box in the cupboard or had shoved their socks between the cushions of the couch. Mmmmm.
3.) The inventors of Kids Bop are freaking brilliant. Seriously. They take every catchy song and remove any salacious or profane words. Skin becomes smile. Screwed becomes passed. Drink becomes think. The f word is replaced with kids bop. Why hasn't Hollywood discovered this brilliant trick? Paramount you! Universal you! No, they have to take the f word and replace it with" forget" for cable. Yeah, "forget you" is so frequently uttered in heated arguments.
4.) I finally feel like I make a contribution to society. Why just today the girl that sits in the office next to mine came over and asked if it was true that Mark Sanchez was stepping out with Eva Longoria. I couldn't reach over and dial Mark up on my red phone. No, while Mark hasn't shot me a text letting me know his dinner whereabouts nor has Eva extended an invitation to me to come play Scattergories, it was a topic I could discuss with enthusiasm. I even tossed in a bonus, unsolicited story about Aaron Rodgers' girlfriend and did my imitation of Marisa Tomei from "My Cousin Vinny." It was the least I could do. As I was writing this, I got a text asking for a link to some recent Prince Harry photos. Yes, I'm making bad dreams a reality.
5.) My idea of north is the sky and south is underground so I am impressed when people understand directions. When I'm lost, I still can't figure out why I turn down the radio in the car. It's not like someone is going to start shouting directions to me, so I should keep listening and follow the rainbow.
6.) After going to my husband's high school reunion, I feel pretty good about myself. I left with no delusions of being Giselle, but I certainly didn't feel bad about being a little older than these people. There was one guy I was positive was in his late 50s or at least on a billboard with the words, "Reward for information leading to his capture or arrest" under his photo. Nope, I actually saw people with foreheads larger than mine. Swagger, baby.
7.) Finally, the people who install the lighting in dressing rooms are sadists. They were the last kids picked on the kickball team and had notes stuck to their backs that said "kick me." We get it. This is your revenge but can't we call a truce?
Picks up tomorrow. As a special thank you to my readers, I give you a quote from One Direction because, "you light up my world like nobody else."
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