Oops Moments and Hoarders...

2 in a row baby! So today I fell in the lobby of the building I work. This is not unusual or atypical for me so I was shocked when the security guard said I needed to complete a statement. What???? I forgot we live in such a litigious society.  I wouldn't mind being on Judge Mathis but it looked like the opportunity wasn't going to present itself.  However, he was doing something and said he would be up in the office later. He didn't have my name and apparently the description  he gave of me presented a challenge for the HR Director. He told her " a young girl with long dirty blonde hair fell in the lobby this am." Quick!!! Get this man to an eye doctor because in no way could I be confused with a young girl-perhaps the mother of a young girl who possesses a  teenage boy's potty humor but never a young girl. Never. Ever. Perhaps he was on heavy medication? And I give it to the man, he has some psychic powers because that IS the natural color of my hair, but it's by no means the current color. It's light chocolate or maybe warm pecan. Always request a hair color that is  food related. After thoroughly confusing the HR Director with his highly inaccurate description I had to complete the statement. What did I say?

"On the way in the building I wiped out on the floor. Yes, it was a klutzy move I know, but it paled in comparison to the giant wipeout I had back in college on the way to English one sunny afternoon. I fell face first down a flight of stairs in front of hundreds of people and I was positively mortified. (If you went to UGA you know exactly which building housed those detrimental stairs outside. The name of the building escapes me but my knees and chin remember them forever!)Now? Eh, not so much. I'm fine. If only I could remember where I parked my car. Got any ideas?  Have a good day!"

I decided not to elaborate about other falls or mishaps because there just wasn't enough paper. And they don't want to hear it and I don't blame them.  He didn't offer up a notebook, so I skipped the story of when I walked into a rehearsal dinner and fell over a cord. Somehow I tumbled forward and the long, flowy dress was wrapped around my head when I landed on my back. I guess this is why mothers tell you to wear clean underwear.  Or the time I stepped off a hill in college,  slid down, and ripped the butt out of my pants. I landed face down on the ground, so in addition to having a draft due to turning my jeans into chaps, I also had gravel stuck to my chin. But I'm so used to embarrassing things that I developed a tolerance from an early age. Like when I went for my driver's test and I couldn't determine if the instructor was male or female. I decided to cover my bases by alternately answering like Peppermint Patty,  "Yes sir" and "excuse me ma'am." Hey I had to be right at least 50% of the time. And of course I recently sent a text to someone saying "Love you! XOXO", but it was to person I barely know. I wavered back and forth between sending the wrong recipient another saying, "Sorry-I don't love you" or perhaps an "Oops. Sorry that wasn't for you" was sufficient. 

And omg did I get a workout this evening.  No, I didn't get back to the Insanity series but rather I vacuumed the couches. What you say? Are the couches the size of Iceland? Nope, just normal couches but it wasn't the size of the couches but rather what I found in the couches that I found rather disturbing. I found 7 socks, 4 crayons, 3 pony tail holders and 2 nail files. I know-I was expecting a partridge in a pear tree but apparently it's not the season.

What is this gene my children have inherited that involves being too slack to throw away an empty cereal box or putting their socks in the laundry basket? This is not from me and must have been passed down via their father because 5 of the socks were his. Is it really that difficult to put your socks in the clothes hamper? After you finish the cereal can't you just take the empty box and put it in the garbage can since you pass right by it? Or is that considered recycling when it's sitting in the pantry waiting for someone else to throw it away? This is exactly how hoarding begins.  First, you shove a couple of socks in the couch. Then you buy a few  extra bottles of mustard because they are on clearance. You think these will come in handy when you decide to host a hot dog eating contest. The dishes are stacking up but you aren't going to be the one to wash them. Instead of investing in some Cascade, you decide to invest in some fly strips  and mouse traps to combat the disgusting rodent magnet you are harboring in the kitchen.  Next, you are just too tired to take the garbage out so you starts stacking it in the garage.  You decide the house is turning into a dump.  Then you have to pee but you decide you might as well go where you are and just pee on the floor instead of making that walk to the bathroom. Oh just stay in the recliner! It's just faster to pee on command regardless of location.  The next thing you know the toilet is broken and you are afraid for the plumber to come inside. Before you know it...BAM! People have started pooping in bags and stacking them in the house. Then you are strapping yourself in a chair with one of those panic devices around your neck so you can call for help if you fall into disgusting germ filled crap in your house. Showers consist of standing in a green tub filled with samples the CDC is afraid to touch and finally the city comes in hazmat suits and gas masks to tell you the neighbors are complaining and this shizzle must be rectified...Pronto!  No, no, no...Throw the cereal box away

Until next time...xoxo