I am updating this blog on Christmas. Now this IS dedication! Since many people exchange gifts during the holidays, I thought I would share what I have found to one of the best gifts ever. I have shared how much of a devotee' of the infomercial I am I'm sure. A few years ago my MIL got me the Sham Wow Super absorbent cloths which allegedly will soak up the Pacific Ocean should you have that type of spill. I can't vouch for that type of absorbency, but well, they work. Unfortunately, they don't remove that permanent "sticky" on everything that is associated with having 3 little people. On a 1-10 , I give them a 6.
While I was pregnant with Lambchop, I decided I needed a spinning mop. Granted, I enjoy mopping as much as I enjoyed having food poisoning, but at least the spinning mop looked disco-riffic. The spinning mop came with directions in a language I am not familiar with, but even I could decipher some typos. Your confidence drops when the instructions have typos. It just feels deceptive. However, the mop worked well before my oldest son broke the handle. You see, everyone was smitten with the spinning mop and wanted to see what kind of magic occurred when you used said mop. Concept-10. Usability-2.
Right after the birth of Lambchop almost 2 years ago, I would watch tv in the middle of the night while nursing him. This is big for me as I am not a big tv watcher. Lo and behold, there was allegedly this miracle sulfate free shampoo/rinse that permanently eradicated frizz. You would pump some crazy number (48 to be exact) pumps of this stuff in your hair, rinse and say goodbye to the "I stuck my finger in an electric socket look." AND, the show was hosted by Alyssa Milano. This had to be legit! Would I finally be saying to my crazy hair "Who's the Boss" now, frizz? So, I broke down and had a very difficult time biting on this exorbitant price tag, but thought a miracle in a bottle might be arriving. Eh, I think because you put so much of the stuff on your hair, there is no way your hair can't be smooth. But, I felt like I had melted candle wax on my hair. Boo hiss. I give it a 4 out of 10.
I should absolutely be ashamed of this next breakdown, but I will blame it on location as I was visiting the parental unit. The infomercial for the Genie Bra came on and I decided to look up from my magazine. They paraded these women out in their ill fitting bras (supposedly 90% of women wear the wrong bra size) and then, BAM! The genie bra made them look like back up Victoria's Secret models minus the wings, feathers, and sequins. I should know better than anyone NOT to be fooled by anything garment related. Right after I got out of college, J Crew made a killing on me as I was bamboozled by the catalog that arrived. Yes, I will look just fabulous in those tan corduroy pants with the argyle vest while holding a daisy in that beautiful meadow. No, that 5'11 size 0 model with legs that equaled my height looked good in those corduroy pants. I looked like a small oak tree. Anyway, could this Genie Bra work some magic? I never believed I was in the 90% of ill fitting bra peeps, because prior to Lambchop I wore a negative A, but perhaps I needed a boost post Lambchop. The GB gets an 9 for comfort and a 5 for results. However, I am not sure what I was expecting. Perhaps only a little surgery could help and I'm not doing that.
However, there is one item that I unequivocally declare one of the greatest inventions of all time. I'm always cold. FREEZING! My MIL gave me a Snuggie one year which should have been a homerun, except the designers of the Snuggie clearly designed for someone of LeBron James' stature and not me. Not to mention, I felt like some kind of deity in the cardinal color with about 4 feet of fabric trailing behind me. Where is a scepter and crown when you need one? No, I asked for and received 2, yes 2, Forever Lazys for my birthday. Granted, these things are not attractive. It's a giant onesie for adults but I love it! I do have one observation on the Lazy. I know obesity is a terrible epidemic for our society, but have we become so lazy as a culture that we require a zipper above your butt? Allegedly, that is in case you want to wear this thing out in public (WHAT????). Are we so slack that we can't unzip it in the front? If I ever venture out of the house in this hideous (yet very warm and cozy) getup, I can admit that I have officially waived the white flag. The Lazy gets a 10 for warmth and comfort but a 1 for appearances. Although, I have to admit, I feel like an astronaut in this. I can just hear "Major Tom" by Peter Schilling playing in the background as I step into my gray Forever Lazy.
In the words of the great Porky Pig, "That's all folks." Happy Holidays!
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