As 2011 draws to a close, I find myself at yet another fork in life. Not a pitchfork, probably more like a salad fork or perhaps a dinner fork, but well maybe it's more of an identity crisis? We all have issues but wouldn't it be nice if life was like a a cup of fat free coconut/chocolate yogurt? You would get to experience an "Almond Joy" without the guilt. As I always say, I will figure it out at some point. However, one thing I realized I have not figured out, is how to ensure a nice car ride with kids.
I decided to take my daughter to visit her grandparents for a few days. My oldest son is with his other grandparents, so this means Lambchop would be an only goblin for a few days. And I need to chill out a bit and regroup, so this is a brilliant idea on paper. The car ride down to the grandparents was relatively uneventful. My daughter even mentioned that she didn't mind "listening to old people's music" when Green Day came on the radio. That was really big of her since I was all Selena Gomezed and Katy Perry'd out for the ride. The visit was short (because trust me, my daughter doesn't want me there) and Lambchop and I were on our way back home. I should point out that Lambchop is obsessed with vacuum cleaners. It's an unhealthy obsession. He got one for Christmas and I knew this vacuum cleaner would become an issue. First, he had to have all 3 of his babies and the vacuum cleaner in his lap in the car. He is almost 2, but his lap is just not that big. Then he started hitting me in the back of the head with the vacuum cleaner and crying "vacuum. vacuum." Gosh, I'm sorry. I can't really pull off the highway and turn on this annoying vacuum cleaner. Perhaps it was the hair clip that has been on top of my head since 1992 that made me feel like a power drill was being inserted into my head. No, maybe it was the screaming child yelling at me to turn on a vacuum cleaner while I was on 75 that was giving me a headache. I pulled over 4 times within 30 minutes to adjust this vacuum cleaner and he was still unhappy. So was I. Then he started screaming louder as if I hadn't heard the first hour of screaming. I realized he had a snotty nose from his blubbering, so the fifth time I pulled over I wiped his nose with his sock. Yes, I realize that isn't sanitary, but at least I didn't spit on a napkin to clean his face. Now that is nasty! He just kept whining "vacuum, vacuum" so I decided entertainment was the only route left. I told him (and reminded myself) that I used to LOVE to karaoke years ago. Strange since he has no idea what I was talking about!
Ah, karaoke. I used to have this rotation of songs that I sang with a friend. I never divulged my real name and I always sang at least 2 hours from where I lived. We called ourselves Sasha's Chicken (don't all great bands start with a name like that?) and sang classics such as "Love Will Keep Us Together", "When Will I Be Loved", and "Proud Mary." Each song had this respective dance that went along with the song. Occasionally, when I felt daring (and the audience seemed particularly intoxicated) I sang by myself. That was when I cracked out "Top of the World" by the Carpenters. It was as close as I could get to having my own variety show. Speaking of songs and variety shows, one of the greatest one hit wonders ever is a song called "Hotline" by the Sylvers. I remember seeing them perform on some bad 70s show. They wore these great shoulder baring, bell bottom red jumpsuits with silver fringe (perhaps that paid homage to the band's name?) hanging from the sleeves and had long straight hair. That was the life I envisioned for myself at age 5- a fashion icon with a flat iron. I heard the song in Walgreens a couple of years ago but have been unable to locate the tune. The song is unforgettable. "Stop all the calls in the world. Til I get you girl. Get you at ho-oo-oome. I asked the CIA, they said it was okay." Must find this song..OMG!!! I just googled the Sylvers and still don't have my song but they sang "Boogie Fever"??? I had no idea they had multiple songs or perhaps I forgot. I mean I haven't really listened to them as of late. Wow! Where have I been? Now on to find another song called "Pride" by a totally random band named King. I digress...
So I sang for the baby. Whatever was on the radio and the choices were slim in south GA. Edison Lighthouse (Love grows where my rosemary grows and nobody knows but me) , Lionel Richie (I had no idea I remembered the words to "Stuck On You"-I should have forgotten them), the Doors, 2 versions of "Suspicious Minds" (Elvis and FYC), and even a song by Allison Krauss I learned while working in a saloon right after college. It was the kind of place where people ordered a filet mignon (pronounced the way it was spelled) well done with a Caesar salad with Thousand Island dressing. Yeah. But Lambchop was still whiny so I switched to some type of retro rock show. Amazingly, he started to settle down with classics such as Motley Crue's "10 Seconds to Love", "For Those About to Rock", followed by "Real Love" by Slaughter. I told him the video featured Shannen Doherty and she was labeled a "bad girl" because she was married to Ashley Hamilton for less than 3 months. Nowadays, that is considered a silver anniversary. By the time, Bon Jovi's "Dead or Alive" came on, someone was resting peacefully.......Maybe he was bored by my incessant blabbing on useless music trivia? Perhaps this is why teenagers don't acknowledge their parents? Am I laying the foundation for this during the toddler years?
Anyway, he nestled in and slept peacefully for the remaining 2 hours. But I was reflecting on those karaoke days. Inevitably, there were 2 absolutes during a night of karaoke. Someone always sang "Black Velvet" (horrible song) and there was always someone who sounded FABULOUS! I always rolled my eyes when those people performed because you certainly didn't want to sing AFTER them. No, no, no. It only highlighted your deficiencies. It was imperative that you ask to sing after the people who were slurring or barely coherent. That was the way to make yourself sound like a stellar supahstah!
And I leave you with, "My mama told me, you better shop around. Uh huh. "
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