What I say and what my kids hear

My children ignore most of what I say. When I say "Don't leave your socks on the floor", I am met with a subtle eye roll and an exasperated sigh. So, here is what I say and what they think.

I say, "Go brush your teeth." They hear "mwak mwak mwwak mwak". Yes, they think I am Mrs. Blockhead.

I say, "Let's do your homework." They think, "Great. The next thing she will want me to do is wipe the dirt off my face and tell me I have to take a bath because my hands are sticky. Why doesn't she just dress me up in a suit, make me comb my hair  and  play the quiet game for an hour? Geez"

I say , "You  have milk around your mouth. Why don't you get a cloth so we can wash it off?" They think "Whatevs. That is what your tongue is for,duh!"

I say, "Stop arguing with each other." They think, "She always takes up for X. Didn't she see him/her playing with that toy I haven't played with in 6 months? Actually, I didn't know where it was, but it was mine and I don't want someone else having fun."

I say, "You need to settle down." They think, "What a downer this woman is!  If we keep jumping off the bed, one of is bound to get injured so we can go to the emergency room. Thus, we can stay up later AND have a Popsicle. Winner, winner, turkey dinner!"

The previous line is followed by, "It's time to go to bed." They begin laughing hysterically and then think, " Loser! This is a great time for us to argue with each other. Let's wear her down and make her think she is on the verge of a nervous breakdown. That way, she will succumb and say she is close to putting a hot poker in her eye, but then will  let us watch one more episode of Phineas and Ferb. SCORE!"

I say, " Life seemed  boring before I had kids." They think, 'Your life WAS boring before you had us. Aren't we funny?"